Building trust is hard

dwilliams10 · Nov 10, 2019 at 06:26 AM

Do you find it hard to build trust? Because to be honest, I do. It doesn't matter how friendly or approaching a person is, I just find it difficult to earn their trust. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Lilly2 · Nov 10, 2019 at 08:34 PM

I have a hard time building trust, and sometimes I am too trusting (even though inside I don't trust). It's weird.

I think building trust has a lot to do with boundaries. Too loose of boundaries and you trust everyone (e.g., you say yes when you don't want to, and you may still not trust, but you act like you trust), and too rigid of boundaries and you trust no one (e.g., isolating yourself from friends, other relationships, etc.). There are times when it is okay to have loose or rigid boundaries, but on the whole, "flexible" boundaries (somewhere in between loose and rigid) is ideal.

Setting boundaries and finding safety in your voice and your boundaries is a good starting place. You can find tips online, through a google search, or from a therapist. Additional treatments by a therapist might also help with trust issues.

Learning about trust and boundaries is very different from actually being able to do it. It's a challenging road, but doable.

I don't have the good answers for this, but others on PC may. I hope this helps a little. Good post!

dwilliams10 · Nov 19, 2019 at 07:56 AM

Thank you very much. That's a pretty good answer you have there!

bpcyclist · Nov 19, 2019 at 08:47 AM

Sadly, the only people I trust IRL are my daughter, my dad, and 2 friends I've known forever. I've been burned too many times by trusting rotten people.

Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2019 at 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly2

I have a hard time building trust, and sometimes I am too trusting (even though inside I don't trust). It's weird.

I think building trust has a lot to do with boundaries. Too loose of boundaries and you trust everyone (e.g., you say yes when you don't want to, and you may still not trust, but you act like you trust), and too rigid of boundaries and you trust no one (e.g., isolating yourself from friends, other relationships, etc.). There are times when it is okay to have loose or rigid boundaries, but on the whole, "flexible" boundaries (somewhere in between loose and rigid) is ideal.

Setting boundaries and finding safety in your voice and your boundaries is a good starting place. You can find tips online, through a google search, or from a therapist. Additional treatments by a therapist might also help with trust issues.

Learning about trust and boundaries is very different from actually being able to do it. It's a challenging road, but doable.

I don't have the good answers for this, but others on PC may. I hope this helps a little. Good post!

Good post.

There aren't many I trust irl.

Fuzzybear · Nov 19, 2019 at 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dwilliams10

Do you find it hard to build trust? Because to be honest, I do. It doesn't matter how friendly or approaching a person is, I just find it difficult to earn their trust. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Additional suggestions?

I too find it hard (but not impossible) to build trust with people.

My parental units and ''family'' of origin - not trustworthy

eskielover · Nov 23, 2019 at 10:36 AM

Quote:

I just find it difficult to earn their trust.

Earning anyone's trust means following through on what you say you will do.

Being responsible with tasks given to you.

Being responsible with your own life. People observe ACTIONS & determine if they correlate with a persons words.

A person who is making a mess of their own life is definitely not someone I would trust with opinions about mine.

Building trust in the first place is easier than trying to rebuild it after it has been lost.

Honestly, some people have been so hurt that they never will trust no matter how hard we try to prove we deserve to be trusted.....but that works both ways.

My now EX-H was so financially irresponsible that I could never trust him to responsibly handle anything.....exactly why he is my EX & I would NEVER trust him again. Would I ever trust anyone enough to get married again.....highly doubtful as they would have to PROVE themselves beyond a shadow of a doubt in my mind & not JUST with my own assumptions of what I want to see in them.

Do I trust people.....YES!!!!, those who have proven they can be trusted, those who have provided quality advice, those who have done what they SAY they will do.

What builds trust in me for others is exactly what I need to do to build their trust in me.....BUT I also have to be aware of those who will never trust me or maybe anyone. Ask myself if trust ever existed, what did I do to lose their trust & analyze that situation. Maybe what I did was right & they were trusting me to do something wrong. In which case, would you really want that kind of trust? Every trust situation needs to be analyzed on its own merit.

Fuzzybear · Nov 23, 2019 at 12:26 PM

^ Some good points in the above post

Discombobulated · Nov 27, 2019 at 08:08 PM

Sometimes I think the root of my issue is I no longer trust myself to make the right decisions etc.

eskielover · Nov 27, 2019 at 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Sometimes I think the root of my issue is I no longer trust myself to make the right decisions etc.

That can be rebuilt too....I found that using "Wise mind" & "mindfulness" techniques, I was able to rebuild trust in myself

Discombobulated · Nov 27, 2019 at 08:22 PM

Thanks Eskie, I don't know how those techniques work.

At the moment I am in such a place that I am doubting I am fixable.

LilyMop · Nov 27, 2019 at 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Additional suggestions?

I too find it hard (but not impossible) to build trust with people.

My parental units and ''family'' of origin - not trustworthy

Mine are not trustworthy either. I have no family.

LilyMop · Nov 27, 2019 at 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Sometimes I think the root of my issue is I no longer trust myself to make the right decisions etc.

Yes. I have been feeling this lately too.

eskielover · Nov 27, 2019 at 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Thanks Eskie, I don't know how those techniques work.

At the moment I am in such a place that I am doubting I am fixable.

I was at that place for over 13 years. A change of environment (left a bad 33 year marriage) & I found a wonderful psychologist in my new home town & several years of intense DBT therapy & life started making sense after almost 60 years. Those last 13 years before that I was so broken I was sure that being fixed was impossible & tried to give up permanently many times during those years. There is HOPE.

Fuzzybear · Nov 29, 2019 at 07:06 PM

Nov 30, 2019 at 11:07 AM

I don't trust anyone despite how friendly they are. I've learned that appearances can be very deceiving.

I am STILL stuck in a pattern of shame and conformity of emotional deference with literally everyone I come into contact with. Thanks to my parents' codependency and passive-aggressive personalities.

I think that's what caused my sister and brother to become gaslighters as a defense mechanism. My defense mechanism is to shut down and defer to everyone else and obliterate myself so I won't get punished. A.k.a. "anxiety disorder."

I "defer" to everyone else so that I can "hide" my true feelings and beliefs, to protect myself. Not a functional way to live, is it? Nope. But, I'm nearly 50 and if I can't fix this way to relate to the world, I'll never experience new opportunities, new relationships, new experiences. I don't view it as a mental illness -- is anxiety a mental illness I don't know.

eskielover · Nov 30, 2019 at 01:13 PM

Quote:

I don't trust anyone despite how friendly they are. I've learned that appearances can be very deceiving.

The thing is that maybe you learned the WRONG things to base trust on. It has nothing to do with friendliness or looks. It has EVERYTHING to do with someone saying they will do something & follow through with what they say. It is about actions between 2 people, not just how someone comes across initially.

Trust is EARNED & that takes a lot of time to observe patterns of behavior that prove trust is OK. Any other way of gaining trust for someone leaves one vulnerable to being hurt badly.

I laugh at people who say "trust me" first off. I always say "prove why I should" sometimes they do, most times those kind don't. It does take a level of self-confidence to stand up to those who try to push us into trusting them first off.

Over the years I have also learned that when people say something that doesn't make sense to me, that is usually my red flag for a lie or a cover-co & they NEVER earn my trust.

Fuzzybear · Nov 30, 2019 at 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

The thing is that maybe you learned the WRONG things to base trust on. It has nothing to do with friendliness or looks. It has EVERYTHING to do with someone saying they will do something & follow through with what they say. It is about actions between 2 people, not just how someone comes across initially.

Trust is EARNED & that takes a lot of time to observe patterns of behavior that prove trust is OK. Any other way of gaining trust for someone leaves one vulnerable to being hurt badly.

I laugh at people who say "trust me" first off. I always say "prove why I should" sometimes they do, most times those kind don't. It does take a level of self-confidence to stand up to those who try to push us into trusting them first off.

Over the years I have also learned that when people say something that doesn't make sense to me, that is usually my red flag for a lie or a cover-co & they NEVER earn my trust.

Medusax · Dec 02, 2019 at 08:05 PM

It's darn near impossible for me anymore.....

Open Eyes · Dec 02, 2019 at 10:05 PM

Most if not all abusive toxic people look for niave, innocent, young or vulnerable individuals who tend to be too trusting to attach themselves to. They know what to look for, they are predators who are very skilled at manipulating.

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dwilliams10 Junior Member Member Since Nov 2019 Location: New York, USA Posts: 12 5 3 hugs given	Nov 10, 2019 at 06:26 AM #1 Do you find it hard to build trust? Because to be honest, I do. It doesn't matter how friendly or approaching a person is, I just find it difficult to earn their trust. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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dwilliams10 Junior Member Member Since Nov 2019 Location: New York, USA Posts: 12 5 3 hugs given	Nov 19, 2019 at 07:56 AM #3 Thank you very much. That's a pretty good answer you have there!
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bpcyclist Legendary Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Portland Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!) 5 40.2k hugs given	Nov 19, 2019 at 08:47 AM #4 Sadly, the only people I trust IRL are my daughter, my dad, and 2 friends I've known forever. I've been burned too many times by trusting rotten people. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,466 (SuperPoster!) 22 81.4k hugs given	Nov 23, 2019 at 12:26 PM #8 ^ Some good points in the above post __________________
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Discombobulated Elder Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 5,235 (SuperPoster!) 5 12.4k hugs given	Nov 27, 2019 at 08:08 PM #9 Sometimes I think the root of my issue is I no longer trust myself to make the right decisions etc.
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Discombobulated Elder Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 5,235 (SuperPoster!) 5 12.4k hugs given	Nov 27, 2019 at 08:22 PM #11 Thanks Eskie, I don't know how those techniques work. At the moment I am in such a place that I am doubting I am fixable.
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,466 (SuperPoster!) 22 81.4k hugs given	Nov 29, 2019 at 07:06 PM #15 __________________
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Medusax Grand Member Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Arkansas Posts: 775 7 331 hugs given	Dec 02, 2019 at 08:05 PM #19 It's darn near impossible for me anymore..... __________________ I go about my own business, and keep my mind on myself and my life. I expect the same courtesy from the rest of the world.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Dec 02, 2019 at 10:05 PM #20 Most if not all abusive toxic people look for niave, innocent, young or vulnerable individuals who tend to be too trusting to attach themselves to. They know what to look for, they are predators who are very skilled at manipulating.
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