[Whereto52]

Hey,

Since I always felt like depressive episodes took what I would call liveliness I finally found the word that would describe the whole thing a lot better:
Apathy.

I don't really feel anything towards people or activities anymore. Or rarely do. Most of the time I just sit down do what I do but never feel invested emotionally towards what I am doing.
That used to be different. I used to get fired up and curious about people or hobbies even when I was in a mild to servere depressive episode. Not even shows or movies are doing anything for me.

For 4 years now I have just been half hearted with zero energy nor ambition. It good worse and worse over these years and now it is mostly nothing.
At the beginning I kind of gave in to the nothingness and only did what I had to do during the day.
Now I at least try to keep a certain discipline throughout the day so that I still invest time into hobbies, family or friends. But it is challenging to really get into a conversation or get into a flow when you are not feeling anything while doing it.

I am on antidepressants but they just keep the low moods in check. Getting a therapist is out of the question for me at the moment, at least until march 2022.(health insurance policies).

Does anyone know what is happening to me or knows how to get back to a more normal emotional state?

[Yaowen]

Dear Whereto52,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Apathy is something I am quite familiar with from experience although I am not in your shoes and wouldn't want to trespass on the uniqueness of your experience.

Medication only partially helped me. I was helped a lot by reading self-help books by famous cognitive behavioral psychologists.

Face to face therapy never did much for me but many people have told me it helped tremendously.

It is heartbreaking that you are weighed down with the apathy you describe. Just heartbreaking!

I wish I could give advice but I am not a doctor or medical professional and so am totally unqualified for that. I realize that each of us is unique in our way and that what helps one person might not help someone else or might make things worse for them. Wish I knew what to say to be useful.

Hopefully others here with more experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really helpful. My heart goes out to you. People who have never carried the burden for apathy have no idea how heavy it is. Four years is a long time to carry it.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[eskielover]

The real question I would ask about is what is the environment you are living in like? Did anything actually CHANGE 4 years ago?

Sometimes if we can go back & analyze the past we can know better why we are where we are today. It is the "integration" my therapist helped me do.

I broke out of the environment that was causing me all my problems. For me, that freedom changed my life & I actually got life back better than it ever had been. We can't always put our finger on what changed but when we start looking back, slowly things become more clear as pieces fit together

[poshgirl]

Whereto52

That's a great word to describe those feelings. Very sad that we often adopt this attitude for self-preservation or it just manifests itself for a number of reasons.

There are so many contributing factors. How we are treated by others, usually negatively. It becomes a coping mechanism.

It's difficult to free yourself from the shackles. It can be like a comfort blanket, to avoid any more hurt. Or it's a hereditary state of mind, that manifests itself as we get older. Sometimes, as in my case, someone opens up your mind again. That's not without its problems. The suppressed emotions can take you to the other extreme.

Hope this makes sense!

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry you're struggling! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about considering your own environment as well. i can relate a bit to what you're saying i think. Unfortunately i don't have a lot of advice myself. Just try to take small steps for self-improvement perhaps. Eat regularly, shower regularly. Do all the things that can make you feel a little bit better and do whatever may improve your mood even just slightly. i think our routines can affect your mental health as well. Just try to practice self-care in any way you can and Hopefully your therapisat will be able to Help when you're able to see him/her. Do you have a Support system in real Life? That can be Useful. Please do try your best and keep us updated if you cana nd want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Whereto52, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Whereto52]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Dear Whereto52,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Apathy is something I am quite familiar with from experience although I am not in your shoes and wouldn't want to trespass on the uniqueness of your experience.

Medication only partially helped me. I was helped a lot by reading self-help books by famous cognitive behavioral psychologists.

Face to face therapy never did much for me but many people have told me it helped tremendously.

It is heartbreaking that you are weighed down with the apathy you describe. Just heartbreaking!

I wish I could give advice but I am not a doctor or medical professional and so am totally unqualified for that. I realize that each of us is unique in our way and that what helps one person might not help someone else or might make things worse for them. Wish I knew what to say to be useful.

Hopefully others here with more experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really helpful. My heart goes out to you. People who have never carried the burden for apathy have no idea how heavy it is. Four years is a long time to carry it.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thanks for taking the time to answer though

I am thinking about going to therapy even when it is not covered by insurance. It will possibly be 80-100€ for each session, so quite alot for a student but I better start sooner than later.

[Whereto52]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The real question I would ask about is what is the environment you are living in like? Did anything actually CHANGE 4 years ago?

Sometimes if we can go back & analyze the past we can know better why we are where we are today. It is the "integration" my therapist helped me do.

I broke out of the environment that was causing me all my problems. For me, that freedom changed my life & I actually got life back better than it ever had been. We can't always put our finger on what changed but when we start looking back, slowly things become more clear as pieces fit together

Yeah, a lot changed for me. I was close to being an addict and nearly did nothing but take drugs. For the first time in a long time I actually try to achieve something. Try to to actually live.

[Whereto52]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

Whereto52

That's a great word to describe those feelings. Very sad that we often adopt this attitude for self-preservation or it just manifests itself for a number of reasons.

There are so many contributing factors. How we are treated by others, usually negatively. It becomes a coping mechanism.

It's difficult to free yourself from the shackles. It can be like a comfort blanket, to avoid any more hurt. Or it's a hereditary state of mind, that manifests itself as we get older. Sometimes, as in my case, someone opens up your mind again. That's not without its problems. The suppressed emotions can take you to the other extreme.

Hope this makes sense!

That I repress emotions could be a possibilty. I remember feeling to much stress when I was younger. A lot of stress. Every night I would grind my teath and have nightmares. During the day was always a feeling of dread or anxiety.

Maybe my brain started do disconnect from my "core" emotions to not get into that kind of state anymore. But I wouldn't how to change that. To become more aligned with my emotions, I mean.

[Whereto52]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

So Sorry you're struggling! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about considering your own environment as well. i can relate a bit to what you're saying i think. Unfortunately i don't have a lot of advice myself. Just try to take small steps for self-improvement perhaps. Eat regularly, shower regularly. Do all the things that can make you feel a little bit better and do whatever may improve your mood even just slightly. i think our routines can affect your mental health as well. Just try to practice self-care in any way you can and Hopefully your therapisat will be able to Help when you're able to see him/her. Do you have a Support system in real Life? That can be Useful. Please do try your best and keep us updated if you cana nd want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Whereto52, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I don't really have a support system. My mother is going through her own pain after losing her mother and than soon after her brother.
So I can't push my stuff onto her.
My brother doesn't like to talk about this stuff but he is still a good friend to me.
As for friends..I don't really have any. Or I have no friends at all. At least non I could talk about this kind of stuff.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Whereto52

That I repress emotions could be a possibilty. I remember feeling to much stress when I was younger. A lot of stress. Every night I would grind my teath and have nightmares. During the day was always a feeling of dread or anxiety.

Maybe my brain started do disconnect from my "core" emotions to not get into that kind of state anymore. But I wouldn't how to change that. To become more aligned with my emotions, I mean.

YES. That's what happened to me at age 18. I had too much stress just like that and then it all just shut down like that eventually. I simply could not live in reality anymore like that. Simply because it was too much stress at one point, I mean emotionally, yeah.


How old are you? I saw in another post of yours that you mention being a student. So you are young, yes? You mentioned it might be worth going even paying out of pocket. YES, it's worth it. I wish someone had told me back then to go to therapy. To some therapist that would've been able to understand me. Please, do not wait too long. I waited ten years with my dysthymia with shut down emotions just like this, I did things, I did to go university, etc. but I really only enjoyed talking to people online, no longer in real life. I waited ten years...before it turned into a bipolar episode and a lot of MESS all over the place emotionally. Yeah. It did start healing too, but.... it got worse before it got better, because I still got no help back then. This was also nearly ten years ago - twenty years in total. Not too great eh? I first tried to go to therapy more often 6 years ago. To IRL therapy only 5 years ago, though. Also a lot of psychoeducation.

You asked how to get through this, how to get your emotions back. I really don't know tbh, I think the ten years were just too long for my brain and the "flood" just came out anyway. Some people did "precipitate" it but it would've happened anyway I think. It was just so much mess initially and it still is. Even though it's less mess it's still alot, lol. I think if you find a good therapist it can help though. Primarily to address the stress that overloaded your brain like that. Do get a support system too, that's crucial aswell. Just don't wait too long!! It will just be that much harder to fix it if you wait!

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by poshgirl

Whereto52

That's a great word to describe those feelings. Very sad that we often adopt this attitude for self-preservation or it just manifests itself for a number of reasons.

There are so many contributing factors. How we are treated by others, usually negatively. It becomes a coping mechanism.

It's difficult to free yourself from the shackles. It can be like a comfort blanket, to avoid any more hurt. Or it's a hereditary state of mind, that manifests itself as we get older. Sometimes, as in my case, someone opens up your mind again. That's not without its problems. The suppressed emotions can take you to the other extreme.

Hope this makes sense!

Good stuff. This summary, I mean. Yes, the repressed emotions will take you to the other extreme after your mind gets opened up like that, if they had been repressed too long & the original issue is not solved yet either. Exactly what happened to me after ten years of the shutdown/anergic dysthymia with this emotional disconnect (and low energy and hypersomnia etc etc).

Can I ask, how did it happen for you that someone opened up your mind? What did they do/say? How did it happen overall? I would be very interested in this.

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Medication only partially helped me. I was helped a lot by reading self-help books by famous cognitive behavioral psychologists.

Can I ask which books these were? Thank you.