feeling unstable, unsure about maybe diagnosis

I don't know what to do about myself these days.Had about a week of waaay too much energy, which was nice bc I had a lot of stuff to do and was able to channel my energy in a kind of productive way.


Normally when I'm like this, I try not to do too much, force myself to also rest and say no to every new project.

This time I didn't and immediately regretted it afterwards, when I hit a bad depression point where I was nearly unable to function


Now my dark days are over for now (I don't feel like physically dying anymore, so yay). Instead I feel bad, but also have restless energy and I don't know what's worse. I rushed across the city several times today to get some second hand items, bc I really needed to leave the house while also having small panic attacks being outside.


I don't know if I'm allowed to call myself bipolar or if it's all just anxiety/depression and cptsd.

I never had a "real diagnosis" for being bipolar, just some statements of my last T saying I am, and her monitoring my mood and checking in etc.

But she never gave me an official diagnosis on it in written form (while depression and cptsd are on my record), and despite saying so multiple times in the first year, she then continued to never use that term again and only asked for my ups and downs and how I managed them etc.

She's also not a friend of medication, so I never got them and all my small attempts of bringing it up didn't help anything.

In our last session though, she agreed that I should go see a neurologist for "emergency medication", since I'm managing, but it's just so damn hard to do it without and sometimes it's just too much.

Now I moved and so my therapy stopped and the longer I live here, the less stable I feel.

Sorry, I think I just needed to vent.

I don't know what I am and I feel like while I did get really good help for my trauma, it's just not enough.
Having these ups and downs and dealing with them for over 15 years (okay, maybe 3 of them kind of successfully) without medication made me think I had it under control, but maybe I don't.