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TishaBuv
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 07:39 AM
  #21
Yes, it seems like he’s taking his anger out on you, not so much for anything you did, but because he’s angry and you are the closest punching bag. What can you do to ease this anger? Maybe have a conversation with him and make him feel heard, maybe apologize for whatever he alleges you did.

I’ve had a terrible incident that drove away my son recently. It was him callously turning on his parents, then justifying it by saying we were bad parents. He mustered up only two reasons as justification, issues that never were at the time. Only in hindsight did he decide we were bad to ease his conscience for treating us very good parents horribly.

Even though the incident was a shyt show, I have slowly reached out often and we are on a bit better terms. So, my son, who was truly wonderful and we never had one ounce of conflict, went to college and got turned against his parents. It was an ‘okay boomer’ individuation on steroids thing. We weren’t even demanding parents, but somehow got hated for everything our generation stands for. He did something so hurtful to us, I can’t even say.

Keep praying and trying if you want a better relationship. If you really fear him, protect yourself.

Also, since you mentioned MI, at one point my h told him ‘you know Mom has emotional issues, please make this one and only small concession so we can attend your wedding, he said “No special treatment for MI” and he refused, so we didn’t go. How’s that for a shyt show?

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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 02:35 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Yes, it seems like he’s taking his anger out on you, not so much for anything you did, but because he’s angry and you are the closest punching bag. What can you do to ease this anger? Maybe have a conversation with him and make him feel heard, maybe apologize for whatever he alleges you did.
Oh gosh I tried this for years. Every day almost we would sit & I'd try to think of things I'd done so I could apologize, try to empathize with anything else going on, try to find ways to meet in the middle. As long as they were in a good mood, they were gracious about forgiving me. If they were not in a good mood, they simply glared and refused to discuss.

I’ve had a terrible incident that drove away my son recently. It was him callously turning on his parents, then justifying it by saying we were bad parents. He mustered up only two reasons as justification, issues that never were at the time. Only in hindsight did he decide we were bad to ease his conscience for treating us very good parents horribly.

Even though the incident was a shyt show, I have slowly reached out often and we are on a bit better terms. So, my son, who was truly wonderful and we never had one ounce of conflict, went to college and got turned against his parents. It was an ‘okay boomer’ individuation on steroids thing. We weren’t even demanding parents, but somehow got hated for everything our generation stands for. He did something so hurtful to us, I can’t even say.
[COLOR="magenta"]I'm so sorry. It feels like such a betrayal when someone you love and have sacrificed for goes and does those hurtful things. Mine has spread rumors about me, tried to get me in trouble with the police, filed false reports, tried to put my youngest in a harmful situation, and piles of other things. It just never seems to end. /COLOR]
Keep praying and trying if you want a better relationship. If you really fear him, protect yourself. At this point I'm just praying to be able to raise my youngest in peace and quiet. It sounds so horrible but I'm numb at this point. Someday when my youngest is an adult, and I don't need to worry about their safety, maybe I can try reaching out again. At this point I just feel like I need to protect myself and my youngest.

Also, since you mentioned MI, at one point my h told him ‘you know Mom has emotional issues, please make this one and only small concession so we can attend your wedding, he said “No special treatment for MI” and he refused, so we didn’t go. How’s that for a shyt show?
That's so mean. I'm so sorry that happened...
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TishaBuv
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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 04:04 PM
  #23
I feel for you to be fearful of your son. It’s clear you’ve tried so hard, and you’ve been a good mother.

Although my mother has been fairly emotionally/verbally abusive, she’s also been pretty great, and I still love and respect her. You were not at all abusive just because you raised your voice a bit.

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Default Dec 03, 2020 at 05:10 PM
  #24
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I feel for you to be fearful of your son. It’s clear you’ve tried so hard, and you’ve been a good mother.

Although my mother has been fairly emotionally/verbally abusive, she’s also been pretty great, and I still love and respect her. You were not at all abusive just because you raised your voice a bit.
Thank you so much for saying that.
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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 10:58 AM
  #25
All you can do is keep loving the child and its simple to ask the child why they feel that way. I have done it with my brothers and sisters. You might have to apologise if you did anything wrong. It sounds like you haven't done anything wrong, but ask the child why they feel you was an abusive parent.
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Default Dec 06, 2020 at 07:30 AM
  #26
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All you can do is keep loving the child and its simple to ask the child why they feel that way. I have done it with my brothers and sisters. You might have to apologise if you did anything wrong. It sounds like you haven't done anything wrong, but ask the child why they feel you was an abusive parent.
Thank you - I have done this countless times over the years - when they're mad about something, they refuse to speak to me other than accusing me of being horrible and abusive and a terrible parent. When they're not mad they say, oh I was just saying that because I was mad, you're actually a great parent, and I appreciate it that you always take time to listen, and you are supportive, and you are forgiving even when I act out and say mean things, etc.
So for years I tried to ask for specifics and never got an answer - and eventually I just had to cut off contact bc they were ALWAYS mad and no matter who they were mad at, the anger always came out at me, and they'd tell me how everything bad in their life was my fault, and so on. I hope someday they will be able to have some kind of a normal conversation, but for now I have to have distance from that, for what's left of my own mental health.
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TishaBuv
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Default Dec 06, 2020 at 09:54 AM
  #27
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Thank you - I have done this countless times over the years - when they're mad about something, they refuse to speak to me other than accusing me of being horrible and abusive and a terrible parent. When they're not mad they say, oh I was just saying that because I was mad, you're actually a great parent, and I appreciate it that you always take time to listen, and you are supportive, and you are forgiving even when I act out and say mean things, etc.
So for years I tried to ask for specifics and never got an answer - and eventually I just had to cut off contact bc they were ALWAYS mad and no matter who they were mad at, the anger always came out at me, and they'd tell me how everything bad in their life was my fault, and so on. I hope someday they will be able to have some kind of a normal conversation, but for now I have to have distance from that, for what's left of my own mental health.
Your kids must have learned to treat you like that somewhere, and they kept doing it because it got them some kind of payoff.

Another parent might have drawn a boundary by saying ‘You can’t treat me like a punching bag. You can’t keep calling me a horrible parent, as I am a good one and I won’t tolerate this verbal abuse from you anymore.’

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Default Dec 06, 2020 at 05:28 PM
  #28
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Thank you, I appreciate that.
Yes, lots and lots of anger. One of my previous therapists said they think it's attachment issues because the father was never around. I felt like that's a little unfair, lol, bc it all rains down on me, lol. But life isn't fair, I guess.
I too am skeptical that it could be attachment issues just because he didn't grow up with a father but who knows.

What does he (your oldest son) get angry with you about? Edit: I forgot you'd said he won't give specifics. But does he try to contact you?

I agree with TishaBuv that only you know if his behavior is warranted and if you've been a terrible parent - it sounds like you're leaning toward "his behavior is unwarranted and I did my best as a parent." I'm glad and from what you've written here so far (I'm on page 2), I agree. I'm glad MickeyCheeky told you there a no such thing as the perfect parent. Such wise support.

Some people just grow into shits, honestly. I'm glad you've put up boundaries with him, have him blocked, etc. Is he known to break the law and be dangerous? I hope you and your youngest are safe.
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Default Dec 08, 2020 at 07:30 AM
  #29
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I too am skeptical that it could be attachment issues just because he didn't grow up with a father but who knows.

What does he (your oldest son) get angry with you about? Edit: I forgot you'd said he won't give specifics. But does he try to contact you?

I agree with TishaBuv that only you know if his behavior is warranted and if you've been a terrible parent - it sounds like you're leaning toward "his behavior is unwarranted and I did my best as a parent." I'm glad and from what you've written here so far (I'm on page 2), I agree. I'm glad MickeyCheeky told you there a no such thing as the perfect parent. Such wise support.

Some people just grow into shits, honestly. I'm glad you've put up boundaries with him, have him blocked, etc. Is he known to break the law and be dangerous? I hope you and your youngest are safe.
No specifics, and I have pressed more than once, saying - if I don't know what I did, how can I know not to do it again??
But no specifics. The anger comes when I say anything other than praise. Most often it was them making fun of me and laughing at me, and then when I would object and say that I am not going to continue the conversation on those terms, they would get angry and call names and yell at me. I felt like my entire function was to be a sort of emotional punching bag. Someone to take everything out on.
I appreciate your concern. There have been threats, but as yet they are respectful of the police who have intervened. I hope we are safe as well. I am very very hopeful that over time, they will simply find another, more healthy way to express their unhappiness and will stop trying to take that mess out on me.
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Default Dec 08, 2020 at 07:45 AM
  #30
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Your kids must have learned to treat you like that somewhere, and they kept doing it because it got them some kind of payoff.

Another parent might have drawn a boundary by saying ‘You can’t treat me like a punching bag. You can’t keep calling me a horrible parent, as I am a good one and I won’t tolerate this verbal abuse from you anymore.’
Well, I would tell them they were being unkind, and I didn't appreciate their attitude toward me, and if they couldn't give specifics about what I had done that was horrible, they needed to take a walk and cool off, until they could speak calmly. The payoff was losing privileges, until they became an adult - and then it was reduced contact, until it was no contact at all. I don't have the strength to constantly fight with them over that simple rule of 'be kind' anymore - it's been a non-stop struggle for so many years. In retrospect I feel pretty sure that there was some degree of wanting ever-more attention in there. Behaving badly got ALL my attention. No matter what else was going on. Normal life just got normal amounts of attention. We played games, and talked, and had good times every day - Being a mom was my main focus, and I worked as much as I needed to in order to pay bills and have fun with my kids. I drove eldest around to lessons and social events until they were old enough to drive - around other people, eldest was angelic. I'm SURE I was doing something that fed this - but I worked so hard to be consistent with rules, and clear about what happens if rules are broken, and have a consistent schedule, and communicate all the time, and so on and so forth. I just go in circles with it, as you can see. I tried so hard! But maybe it was my trying so hard that messed it up! But I tried so hard...

My youngest is 100% respectful and always has been. Feels free to share disagreement but in a respectful way, which I appreciate. I'm cool with disagreement, bc I always think 2 heads are better than one, and maybe someone else's ideas are better, who knows. Just as long as it's done kindly.
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