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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,181
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#21
Yes, it seems like he’s taking his anger out on you, not so much for anything you did, but because he’s angry and you are the closest punching bag. What can you do to ease this anger? Maybe have a conversation with him and make him feel heard, maybe apologize for whatever he alleges you did.
I’ve had a terrible incident that drove away my son recently. It was him callously turning on his parents, then justifying it by saying we were bad parents. He mustered up only two reasons as justification, issues that never were at the time. Only in hindsight did he decide we were bad to ease his conscience for treating us very good parents horribly. Even though the incident was a shyt show, I have slowly reached out often and we are on a bit better terms. So, my son, who was truly wonderful and we never had one ounce of conflict, went to college and got turned against his parents. It was an ‘okay boomer’ individuation on steroids thing. We weren’t even demanding parents, but somehow got hated for everything our generation stands for. He did something so hurtful to us, I can’t even say. Keep praying and trying if you want a better relationship. If you really fear him, protect yourself. Also, since you mentioned MI, at one point my h told him ‘you know Mom has emotional issues, please make this one and only small concession so we can attend your wedding, he said “No special treatment for MI” and he refused, so we didn’t go. How’s that for a shyt show? __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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downandlonely
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Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Texas
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#22
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downandlonely, TishaBuv
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,181
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#23
I feel for you to be fearful of your son. It’s clear you’ve tried so hard, and you’ve been a good mother.
Although my mother has been fairly emotionally/verbally abusive, she’s also been pretty great, and I still love and respect her. You were not at all abusive just because you raised your voice a bit. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Toughcooki
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Toughcooki
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Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Texas
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#24
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Member
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 368
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#25
All you can do is keep loving the child and its simple to ask the child why they feel that way. I have done it with my brothers and sisters. You might have to apologise if you did anything wrong. It sounds like you haven't done anything wrong, but ask the child why they feel you was an abusive parent.
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Toughcooki
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Toughcooki
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Member
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Texas
Posts: 221
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#26
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So for years I tried to ask for specifics and never got an answer - and eventually I just had to cut off contact bc they were ALWAYS mad and no matter who they were mad at, the anger always came out at me, and they'd tell me how everything bad in their life was my fault, and so on. I hope someday they will be able to have some kind of a normal conversation, but for now I have to have distance from that, for what's left of my own mental health. |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,181
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#27
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Another parent might have drawn a boundary by saying ‘You can’t treat me like a punching bag. You can’t keep calling me a horrible parent, as I am a good one and I won’t tolerate this verbal abuse from you anymore.’ __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Toughcooki
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Toughcooki
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,854
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#28
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What does he (your oldest son) get angry with you about? Edit: I forgot you'd said he won't give specifics. But does he try to contact you? I agree with TishaBuv that only you know if his behavior is warranted and if you've been a terrible parent - it sounds like you're leaning toward "his behavior is unwarranted and I did my best as a parent." I'm glad and from what you've written here so far (I'm on page 2), I agree. I'm glad MickeyCheeky told you there a no such thing as the perfect parent. Such wise support. Some people just grow into shits, honestly. I'm glad you've put up boundaries with him, have him blocked, etc. Is he known to break the law and be dangerous? I hope you and your youngest are safe. |
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Toughcooki
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Toughcooki
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Member
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Texas
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#29
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But no specifics. The anger comes when I say anything other than praise. Most often it was them making fun of me and laughing at me, and then when I would object and say that I am not going to continue the conversation on those terms, they would get angry and call names and yell at me. I felt like my entire function was to be a sort of emotional punching bag. Someone to take everything out on. I appreciate your concern. There have been threats, but as yet they are respectful of the police who have intervened. I hope we are safe as well. I am very very hopeful that over time, they will simply find another, more healthy way to express their unhappiness and will stop trying to take that mess out on me. |
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WovenGalaxy
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WovenGalaxy
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Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Texas
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#30
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My youngest is 100% respectful and always has been. Feels free to share disagreement but in a respectful way, which I appreciate. I'm cool with disagreement, bc I always think 2 heads are better than one, and maybe someone else's ideas are better, who knows. Just as long as it's done kindly. |
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