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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 08:15 PM
  #1
Hello,

I am almost 40 and have only had one serious relationship that ended horribly when I learned she never loved me and was just using me for money. I have recently tried online dating, which only results in either someone trying to scam me or just no longer responding and ignoring me.

I have come to realize that my ex-wife is right, I am unlovable, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am trying to find information (ideally a book or video) on how to accept this and still have some measure of happiness that will allow me to live for at least another 10 to 20 years without feeling like I failed in life and that I am less than human.

I have done multiple searches online, including searches of books with online book sellers, and I have found absolutely nothing to help me with my problem. Is there no research on this? All I have found so far is trite nonsense that does not apply to me. I would greatly appreciate anyone who can at least point me in the right direction.
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 09:52 PM
  #2
I'm sorry your wife said that, that was cruel. I think you need to visualize your ideal woman and she will come into your life. I use it it works for me. Only for men. Its not perfect but it does draw people into your life. Don't give up keep trying. There's a person out there for you.

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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 09:34 PM
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I am new to living alone. My youngest child moved out at the beginning of July leaving me as an empty nester. I just moved 2 weeks ago and its only my place. No roommates. This is my first apartment that I've lived in all by myself from the start. I too don't have a significant other. I have someone whom I WISH were my husband, but he came to visit 2 weeks ago and I don't like that he smokes - he smokes a lot. We've discussed getting married, but he believes all romantic relationships are doomed to fail. So here I am- alone. I, too, tried online dating back in 2004/2005. I did meet a couple guys that I'm still friends with but none of the people I dated ended up in a relationship with me.

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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 10:00 PM
  #4
I didn’t start dating until 36.....I thought I’d always be alone....instead I’ve spent the last four years with someone I love. My pdoc had said to me that we have different levels of success at different stages, just because you weren’t successful at love previously doesn’t mean that you can’t get there someday. Long story short, don’t give up.

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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 10:11 PM
  #5
I divorced years ago in my late 20’s haven’t had a partner since and I’m 62. I live alone and I like it that way. I’m content. I’ve always been a loner tho and didn’t grow up visualizing marriage. So maybe that’s just who I am. I recently moved in with my mum to care for her, it’s an adjustment. I don’t know if there’s anything out there on being alone but I thought I’d reply that you are not alone in being single. There are many of us out there.

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Default Oct 16, 2020 at 01:29 AM
  #6
I left my now ex 13 years ago after 33 years in a bad marriage. I bought a little farm 2100 miles across the country. I have not dated or had any interest in dating. Seriously, living alone for me has been the happiest time of my life. I am happy & satisfied with my life.....no book in the world can give you that feeling or understanding of how to feel it. If you stop making your life about being someone in relation to another person & start appreciating your life for who you are & what you do & start seeing the good around you, that is a good place to start....but it is something you have to feel inside of you, not something you can learn from a book

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Default Oct 16, 2020 at 06:48 AM
  #7
You are NOT unloveable. I have lived alone for 19 years (after a divorce) and while I would love to have someone in my life (on dating sites for many years, not working); I am used to it.It takes time. Everyone deserves to be loved. I know it is a trite saying, but everything is a choice in life. Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies? I sometimes (also) wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, but I won't give up hope. Keeping a journal can help....maybe seeing a therapist could help. Are there any groups you can join? Loneliness is a major problem in society; all we can do is reach out to others. Don't allow others (ex-wife) to define who you are. YOU get to decide that.
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Default Oct 16, 2020 at 09:51 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
I am new to living alone. My youngest child moved out at the beginning of July leaving me as an empty nester. I just moved 2 weeks ago and its only my place. No roommates. This is my first apartment that I've lived in all by myself from the start. I too don't have a significant other. I have someone whom I WISH were my husband, but he came to visit 2 weeks ago and I don't like that he smokes - he smokes a lot. We've discussed getting married, but he believes all romantic relationships are doomed to fail. So here I am- alone. I, too, tried online dating back in 2004/2005. I did meet a couple guys that I'm still friends with but none of the people I dated ended up in a relationship with me.
ADDING:

I was divorced after an 8-year marriage. Dated online for a while but that didn't seem to go well. Now I'm not dating anyone and I live alone so yeah. I do like living alone so far- it's easy to keep the smaller place clean, both because it's smaller and because I don't have to pick up after anyone other than myself. Living with the kids, they were messy. So was my ex husband - messy. I guess that means I was messy too, but now I'm neat. I haven't made my bed today but I had to get up quickly and take my youngest's girlfriend to work. It's easy to keep things tidy.

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Default Nov 02, 2020 at 12:59 AM
  #9
You ARE lovable but there are skills for managing relationships that are handy to have.

I dont profess to be an expert on them so hopefully someone else will chime in on that topic. But two come to mind......self care/ good hygiene helps and listening skills.

As for living alone, again I'm no expert, but embracing the challenging for acquiring new skills can help a great deal. For example on youtube there are videos on organisational skills and decluttering, cooking and DIY. Its possible to comment and connect with the people ....in fact you're likely already doing this since you found this forum. You can do a course on almost anything including relationship skills and many courses are online now and it can be a great way to get to know others.

For healing from hurt or conflict in your past relationship if you can afford it, seeing or talking with a therapist maybe helpful. Of course you can post here anonymously too. There are a few free helplines where I am but I dont know about the US.
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Default Nov 02, 2020 at 07:54 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Iwilldiealone View Post
Hello,

I am almost 40 and have only had one serious relationship that ended horribly when I learned she never loved me and was just using me for money. I have recently tried online dating, which only results in either someone trying to scam me or just no longer responding and ignoring me.

I have come to realize that my ex-wife is right, I am unlovable, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am trying to find information (ideally a book or video) on how to accept this and still have some measure of happiness that will allow me to live for at least another 10 to 20 years without feeling like I failed in life and that I am less than human.

I have done multiple searches online, including searches of books with online book sellers, and I have found absolutely nothing to help me with my problem. Is there no research on this? All I have found so far is trite nonsense that does not apply to me. I would greatly appreciate anyone who can at least point me in the right direction.
No one should have ever said that to you. You are loveable you just attracted the wrong people. Check out Lisa A Romano abandonment on youtube and read her book divorce codependent no more and she has counseled, Susan Anderson abandonment. Jerry Wise and Mark Smith family tree counseling has great self help video and books as well as counseling. Kati Morton has self help video and does counseling.

I'm lonely to.
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Default Nov 03, 2020 at 07:55 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Iwilldiealone View Post
I have come to realize that my ex-wife is right, I am unlovable, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am trying to find information (ideally a book or video) on how to accept this and still have some measure of happiness that will allow me to live for at least another 10 to 20 years without feeling like I failed in life and that I am less than human.
I have looked and there isn't a lot out there. Well there is but most of it is junk.

I know I am going to die alone. I am not very upset about it. I never had a chance. I have a few physical things that are wrong with me and I am just not knock down pretty. I have accepted it. Obviously I am not going to push people away who want to be with me, but no one ever wants to be. That isn't a pity party way... just fact.

I am able to accept this because personally I see so many married / coupled people that are miserable and then, they do die alone! But usually after 50 years of caregiving for the other person. Being with someone is no guarantee that you will not die alone.

My advice.
Pets: Get a pet of some type. Their love is often more pure and no one with a pet thinks they don't have a soul or a mind.

Find a few online boards that you can chat on.

Get a streaming service and audio book service. Keep your mind focused on other peoples stories.

Focus on work.

Focus on yourself. Take that dating energy and put it into being healthy. Put it in to being mentally healthy. Learning about the world / exploring.

Do something every weekend that gives you joy. Crafting, hiking, driving, travel.

Look at being single as an opportunity.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 12:34 PM
  #12
I have been in the exact boat as you. You could try again, although, i must admit its harder to find a partner has is single with no kids at your age. You best option is social network sites.
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Default Dec 19, 2020 at 11:51 PM
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You are very hard on yourself. I'm sure that is not true. Best wishes.
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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 02:06 AM
  #14
I lived for 5 years alone and often crying by myself. I didn't feel loved either. I was completely obsessed with someone who didn't ever want to speak to me again and the last time we had spoken the most I could get him to admit to was he liked me, but he couldn't say he loved me. I dated a man for ten years and he said he "loved me but wasn't in love with me" These words hurt. But these men spent years of their lives with me, they called me beautiful and treated me with love (if you can call it that, but that's another post). These men thought I was sexy and so did other men. My mother and father love me and think I'm capable of treating them with respect. My grandmother was there for me and she loved me. My friends love me. My teachers loved how smart I was. So therefore, I'm a beautiful woman, who is smart and sexy, who respects her parents and is loved by her grandma and is a good friend. I went from being unloved and not good enough (which is exactly how I felt before I did this very exercise and I suggest you do it) to being good enough without exaggerating. Think of compliments people have given you. Think of anyone you have been around and have been kind to, the grocery store clerk can do the priest, anyone preferably in the present, but the past works too. and think about how you can be kind, and handsome or have lovable qualities everyone has at least one lovable quality.


Give it time. For me it took 5 years. It felt more like a lifetime. I learned how to be alone, I didn't need a book, I learned the hard way. Sometimes you just need to cry, so cry. Separate from her completely if you don't have kids with her. Go no contact, lose all her contact information and block her. I bet everyone is telling you what is best for you, but you're scared to do it. Faith is the hard part and deciding what to do is hard when you're stressed. Just don't die okay. Don't do anything stupid. You sound upset and I remember exactly how I felt when I was in your shoes. Just hold on and everything is going to be okay. Eventually I accepted I was going to be alone and I was happy, truly happy with all sorts of friends. I was pushing guys away. Then suddenly my boyfriend appeared and now I'm happy and for once someone loves me and I love him back. You just have to have faith and hope. Take care!

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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 04:47 AM
  #15
I’d focus on building a good friendship network and living in a way that brings you pleasure, than focusing on not having a partner - if someone right for you comes along at some point, great, but if not, you’ll still be ok. After all, plenty of people do have partners who make them unhappy and feel more alone than when they were single! Not that I equate being single with loneliness at all, but it is a common misconception that if you’re single you’re “lonely” (because your friends, family and everyone else you know just don’t count, apparently...)
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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 06:38 AM
  #16
I have been alone for 19 years after divorce. The reason I stayed so long, was the fear of being alone.......You are not unloveable....no one is; those are lies we have been told by cruel people. Talking to friends, joining a group, volunteering....all are good ways to help with lonliness...there are so many lonely people in the world. ....so many feeling as you do. Visiting a nursing home is a wonderful thing...of course with Covid...we can't do that.Keeping a journal is helpful also. Don't allow another person to define who you are. YOU get to do that.
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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 01:50 PM
  #17
I am single by choice. I tried dating, and realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice my independence. I love living alone (although it has been more difficult since Covid started). Once you're used to living alone, you don't want to make compromises to live with other people. That's not to say I don't have friends and family. I do, but I like just having my cat at the end of the day.
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Default Dec 21, 2020 at 11:47 PM
  #18
I live alone and while sometimes I feel lonely (which is NORMAL), I don't miss living with roommates. When you live alone, you are in charge of your schedule, what you eat, what you watch on tv, when you want to go out, where you want to go.

I think your response is more a reflection of how you feel after divorce. It's very scary to go from being married to being divorced and having to rely on yourself for your emotional health at first. There are online support groups, and I know that counselors offer virtual therapy sessions via video too. Have you tried that yet?

I know that your perspective right now is to feel hopeless, the way you have internalized your shame and frustration of being divorced, about ever finding happiness with a partner again in the future. First, you have to go through the icky part of recovering from your divorce, before you can be ready to be with another person again in a long-term relationship. I don't know how you feel about therapy. I think it could help you change your perspective to talk to someone about it.

Try to surround yourself (virtually, FaceTime or GoogleMeet or Zoom, or whatever) with friends and family if you can. Do you have any pets? If not, consider adopting a cat or dog for companionship. It will give you something to love and nurture and care for, and in turn, you will be able to love, nurture and care for yourself.

Living alone doesn't mean you are unloveable. Living alone is just a transitional phase you are going through in your life right now. It's not a reflection of your internal character, your personality or your interests or strengths or weaknesses. It's just how you have to live right now.

If you can't bear to live alone, then find roommates who would take you in.
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Default Dec 23, 2020 at 02:17 PM
  #19
So much great advice and TRUTH in this thread.
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