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RavenGirl1990
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Default Nov 01, 2020 at 10:04 AM
  #1
Hi,

I have difficulty trusting others from friends if I had any, to my coworkers, to even my family. I keep a lot to myself and rarely if ever don’t open to people. Even when I was in therapy, I still didn’t open up much, and kept how I was really feeling hidden.

How do you build trust? Does anyone not trust really anyone?
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Default Nov 01, 2020 at 02:07 PM
  #2
I have had trust issues for the longest time in my life. I have been burned so many times by others. I have been burned by those whom I didn't like that much, which doesn't surprise me. But I have been burned by those whom I liked a lot and trusted, including friends and especially family.

I am very shy with strangers when I'm out in public. I can strike up a conversation fairly easily, but it's hard for me to suggest to a stranger that 'we should get together'. I have a friend who can do that very easily. I can't.

I have no advice or suggestions because I'm feeling the same way. I feel like if you already have trust issues, you can heal yourself from it. But then something happens badly then you'd be right back into not trusting. Just my opinion.
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Default Nov 01, 2020 at 05:23 PM
  #3
I am the same. I have had my trust abused far too often. I am currently not sure I can change this. I do think that it can also depend on where you live. I live in an area known to be rude - but I suppose if you were someplace that was more friendly you could trust easier.
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Default Nov 23, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #4
I think you have to look at putting your trust in someone as a risk. An emotional risk. And it can be a good thing if the other person knows that you're counting on them to honor your trust too, because it can build quite a close relationship, a special relationship.

It's interesting that you ask 'does anyone not trust anyone?' because I've wondered that myself. I think the majority of people are afraid of being hurt, and that's only natural. It's the same with me, as well.
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Default Nov 23, 2020 at 07:29 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by RavenGirl1990 View Post
Hi,

I have difficulty trusting others from friends if I had any, to my coworkers, to even my family. I keep a lot to myself and rarely if ever don’t open to people. Even when I was in therapy, I still didn’t open up much, and kept how I was really feeling hidden.

How do you build trust? Does anyone not trust really anyone?
I have trust issue to.
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Default Nov 23, 2020 at 08:18 PM
  #6
We should start up a Me Too, with regards to trusting people during a time of gaslighting, gang mobbing, and cyber torture.

As it's the first thing to go out the window.
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Default Nov 23, 2020 at 08:55 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by mote.of.soul View Post
I think you have to look at putting your trust in someone as a risk. An emotional risk. And it can be a good thing if the other person knows that you're counting on them to honor your trust too, because it can build quite a close relationship, a special relationship.

It's interesting that you ask 'does anyone not trust anyone?' because I've wondered that myself. I think the majority of people are afraid of being hurt, and that's only natural. It's the same with me, as well.

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Default Nov 28, 2020 at 06:34 PM
  #8
I don't blame you. I don't trust people because THEY have taught me NOT to over the years. Simple.

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Default Nov 28, 2020 at 08:58 PM
  #9
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I don't blame you. I don't trust people because THEY have taught me NOT to over the years. Simple.
I don't blame you. I don't trust people because THEY have taught me NOT to over the years. Simple

Wise words.
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 01:48 AM
  #10
I can relate to your situation. For awhile I could not trust anybody because of the toxic work and social environment I was in during the latter days of my days in undergrad which permanently hurt my ability to see only the good in people. I'm still struggling, but after moving back to my hometown I was able to reconnect with friends who I knew I had built trust upon before and a lot of those fears went away. Maybe a change of scenery and some time to yourself to recover from these stressors that make you feel this way might be in order?

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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 08:47 AM
  #11
I was in during the latter days of my days in undergrad which permanently hurt my ability to see only the good in people. I'm still struggling
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 07:52 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by RavenGirl1990 View Post
Hi,

I have difficulty trusting others from friends if I had any, to my coworkers, to even my family. I keep a lot to myself and rarely if ever don’t open to people. Even when I was in therapy, I still didn’t open up much, and kept how I was really feeling hidden.

How do you build trust? Does anyone not trust really anyone?
Well it's impossible to build trust with someone who isn't interesting in reciprocating. So, the only way to build trust with someone, is to choose someone who has your best interests at heart, to build trust with.

There are no guarantees in life. If you don't want to ever trust anyone again, you won't. No one can promise you that they won't let you down.

You are dealing with human beings after all. It's totally unrealistic to expect people to be 100% trustworthy, because no one is 100% perfect. Everyone will let you down in some way. You just have to learn to accept that, and get over it.
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 09:01 PM
  #13
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 09:29 PM
  #14
Yeah, I have trust issues and people do teach you whether or not to trust them. There's not so many people (in my experience) that are actually good to their word. I find that REALLY frustrating...why say it, if you don't mean it
I think, do not blindly trust, reserve it with your judgement until you know someone. Therapy is helping, cause I was/am prejudging and distrustful because of bad experiences. Even things that I like about people were setting off alarm bells.
I thought I was pretty open in therapy, but was actually kind of telling stories I'd told myself a million times, and avoiding the really triggering stuff. My therapist is really good at checking in, and pays a lot of attention to little things. It's really helping because I had no idea how many things were triggering my defensiveness.
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 10:08 PM
  #15
I agree with KBMK. We teach people how to trust us, how to interact with us, based on what our own interpersonal boundaries are. If you are a pushover, people will NEVER respect you and will always let you down because you can't count on someone who doesn't respect you. If you have strict boundaries and people know what your boundaries are, you have more chance of earning people's respect and trust of you, b/c you show them that you cannot be taken advantage of without them experiencing consequences as a result of breaking your trust.

People don't just act trustworthy with you. You have to set up the parameters with them by telling them what your boundaries are. So, its about communication skills with other people and being consistent.
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Default Nov 29, 2020 at 10:52 PM
  #16
It depends what you are trusting them with; a secret, your body, your money, watching your kids... you get the idea. People prove themselves trustworthy by showing you over time they can be trusted. There’s a sense with some people that they can be, and others just give off a vibe that you know they can’t be. Then there are those who fool you. When you’ve entrusted them with too much and they disappoint, it really stings. It makes you feel like you shouldn’t have been so easily played. I generally trust in ways I can cope with the disappointment if betrayed.

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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 11:49 AM
  #17
Trust is something built up over time. It is earned and not given. You also have to do your part in letting the ill feelings of past go.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 12:25 PM
  #18
Some really good points being made here!
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 09:04 PM
  #19
Some good posts and good points here!

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Default Feb 10, 2021 at 02:23 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by RavenGirl1990 View Post
Hi,

I have difficulty trusting others from friends if I had any, to my coworkers, to even my family. I keep a lot to myself and rarely if ever don’t open to people. Even when I was in therapy, I still didn’t open up much, and kept how I was really feeling hidden.

How do you build trust? Does anyone not trust really anyone?
I absolutely do "not trust really anyone" because everyone I could even be in a position of trusting has either betrayed that trust or preemptively acted in a way that shows that they'd take advantage of that trust if I were foolish enough to trust them. Every human being I've encountered has acted in a way that shows demonstrably that trusting them is a mistake.

Furthermore, studying psychology, sociology, and anthropology has shown me why. Human beings are hard-wired to exploit those people not in their social groups in order to help those people in their social groups. Every human being in a group acts (in a successful, functioning tribe) as a conduit or processor of resources from outside the group. In a world where most resources are no longer "wild", that necessarily means exploiting outsiders to secure and protect the insiders. Which is great for those inside a social group, as that social group will tend to protect an individual member from other social groups. But if one has no social group, one is "fair game" to everyone - the outcast has no protection outside of their own fangs and claws, and he or she finds themselves surrounded by spears.

To the outcast, trust is merely the conman's tool - a method of exploitation used to extract resources from the outcast that doesn't involve open violence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusax View Post
I don't blame you. I don't trust people because THEY have taught me NOT to over the years. Simple.
MedusaX and ShaneG have the right idea; it's not a person's responsibility to trust people unconditionally - people have to behave in a trustworthy manner to get that trust. But instead, I have found that people would rather exercise power over others to force that trust, to use force to put people in positions of disadvantage instead of being trustworthy.

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Originally Posted by Motts View Post
Well it's impossible to build trust with someone who isn't interesting in reciprocating. So, the only way to build trust with someone, is to choose someone who has your best interests at heart, to build trust with.
But one can't assume such a person exists. There's not a physical law forcing the creation of such a person, and one cannot depend on random chance to supply one.

It's in everyone's best economic interest to not reciprocate with anyone not already in their social circle.

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Originally Posted by Motts View Post
There are no guarantees in life. If you don't want to ever trust anyone again, you won't. No one can promise you that they won't let you down.
Then the only reason to deal with people is if you're put under duress to deal with them. If they cannot be depended on, then the cost of dealing with them is guaranteed to outstrip any gain you may get from them.

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You are dealing with human beings after all. It's totally unrealistic to expect people to be 100% trustworthy, because no one is 100% perfect.
People have, as a rule, expected and demanded perfection from me - and are willing to use any amount of violence to enforce it. Stating that it's "unrealistic" to expect the same thing from others as they demand under pain of violence of me creates a clear conflict; an inherent imbalance of power ripe for exploitation. And people demands of my perfection cannot be stopped - they'd literally face any other fate rather than lessen their demands.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Motts View Post
I agree with KBMK. We teach people how to trust us, how to interact with us, based on what our own interpersonal boundaries are. If you are a pushover, people will NEVER respect you and will always let you down because you can't count on someone who doesn't respect you. If you have strict boundaries and people know what your boundaries are, you have more chance of earning people's respect and trust of you, b/c you show them that you cannot be taken advantage of without them experiencing consequences as a result of breaking your trust.

People don't just act trustworthy with you. You have to set up the parameters with them by telling them what your boundaries are. So, its about communication skills with other people and being consistent.
It doesn't matter if you have "strict" boundaries or not - people will violate those boundaries no matter how "strict" you may be about them, simply to demonstrate that they have the power to do so. In fact, many people see strict boundaries as a personal attack - asserting that there are things they cannot do is seen as a personal attack on their liberty, as if you're invading their territory - violating their boundaries - and stealing from them.

I have never been a pushover in my life, but my boundaries have at best been considered nonexistent because people do not consider me human enough to have valid boundaries - to them, it makes as much sense to respect my boundaries as it does to "respect" the "boundaries" of a coffee table. And any attempt that I make to enforce my boundaries is interpreted as an unwarranted attack precisely because no one can conceptualize the fact that I'm a human being that can have valid boundaries. Any "consequences" I show for violating my boundaries don't get psychologically connected to violating those boundaries because people refuse to conceptualize my own agency; people insist under duress of any consequences that I am an object, capable of being owned and therefore cannot have its own boundaries separate of its owner.

One can "teach" people how to trust us, but it cannot be expect that they are interested in learning - and in fact it economically behooves them not to , as obeying those boundaries represents added cost for reduced gain.

Last edited by UnpopularTiger; Feb 10, 2021 at 03:05 PM..
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