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KBMK
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
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#1
I have had a lot of loss since the start of 2016. I do not want to list all the losses, and haven't been able to consider the whole of the loss, until I spoke to my therapist today. We talked about Christmas. In the past I spent Christmas with lots of family. There was my dad's side of the family; my maternal Grandmother, and all my mum's side of the family; my own family (husband, step son, and in laws, their spouses and children); as well as work mates, and the vulnerable adults that we supported.
Due to deaths, and estrangement post abuse, and after miscarrying, I have few people in my life now. This Christmas, I will probably spend with an aunt and a cousin, who are lovely people that I am happy to have in my life. I have put a trigger warning for mention of abuse and miscarriage. I am starting to process all of this loss, and understand how it's impacted on how I live my life. I have lots of methods, and see the grieving process, now after the initial shock, as having two repeating phases. People say grief comes in waves. I also think of it as the phases of the moon, waxing and waning. With the waxing, or the rise of the wave, I pay tribute. I give attention to what I have lost, and what it meant to me. I revisit the relationship, and visit resting places, and spend time with photos and mementos. With the waning, or the fall of the wave, I let go. I say goodbye to whatever/whoever I have been paying tribute to, by moving forward in my life. I don't know how long this will last, maybe all my life, and of course there will be more losses to come, as long as I'm here. I hope it helps some people to read this, and I really appreciate anyone's comments, and to hear about your own experiences and coping methods. Thanks and hugs Last edited by KBMK; Dec 01, 2020 at 05:52 PM.. |
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky, Open Eyes, Yaowen
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Have Hope, MickeyCheeky, Open Eyes
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Yaowen
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#2
Dear KBMK,
What heartbreaking situations you have endured! I am so, so sorry. In my own life I have suffered some terrible losses but after what seemed like an eternity I somehow passed beyond the grief. It is sad to see people who are beset by grief from every side. People like you inspire me in my own life and I think you are very heroic. So sorry again for your losses! Sincerely yours, Yao Wen |
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KBMK, Open Eyes
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KBMK
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Member
KBMK
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
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#3
Thank you Yaowen, it is always lovely and very comforting reading your kind and thoughtful posts. I am happy your grief has passed. It's reassuring to hear too
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Legendary
MickeyCheeky
My echo is the only voice coming back
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
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#4
i am so Sorry for Your Losses! Please hang in there. It will take Time for You to Grieve Your Losses. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @KBMK, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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KBMK
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KBMK
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Member
KBMK
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Location: Cumbria
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#5
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Legendary Wise Elder
Open Eyes
Not a Unicorn, just another horse
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#6
The loss itself is never anything one can really prepare for. And when it happens we have to face how there are things that happen in our lives that we do not have any control over. That's hard enough, but then there is a stage that I call the realization of absence. It's very personal, because it's how that presence had an affect on you personally.
My father in law is having a hard time since his wife died. He gets angry when anyone tells him to let go and move on etc. I have to say, that is NOT how to respond to someone struggling. My FIL talks about how his wife was his sweetheart for 70 years. And I know he needs to be able to talk about it, so I let him talk and "feel" so he isn't "feeling alone". My MIL was a very kind and patient woman, and everyone misses her. Honestly, we never JUST get over a loss, we SLOWLY learn to live our lives despite that absence. That means learning how to do our holidays without that presence and it's not easy. When it's there we get so used to it being there, we don't really think about it not being there. But when it is lost, we slowly realize the value of life. If we did not struggle like this, we would not enjoy togetherness, we would not care at all and if that was the case, we would not have survived the way we have. |
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KBMK
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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#7
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I love your ideas of how to deal with it. And it does come and go, or wax and wane. I am terribly sorry for all your losses. I do hope you can find some comfort through this holiday season. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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KBMK
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KBMK
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Member
KBMK
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 402
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#8
Quote:
It is hard to realize the absence...it is true, and I had felt that, but not thought of it in that way. It's true that I miss people from my past, and miss sometimes the physical presence, but then it is very personal to feel what is missing from your own life. Like you say, it does make the importance of togetherness SO apparent. Thank you |
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Open Eyes
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KBMK
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Location: Cumbria
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#9
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Hope we can spread some cheer (and no nasty viruses) |
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Have Hope
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Member
KBMK
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Location: Cumbria
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#10
I know you are dealing with loss too, @HaveHope , and I know it especially shocking and confusing when it's the loss of an abusive relationship.
It's hard to process, and to revisit the great memories and the personal importance of the love you shared and the commitments that were made |
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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#11
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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KBMK
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KBMK
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#12
Quote:
It's a death. So I am grieving a death of all that the relationship represented. I am healing though.. there IS a bright spot through all the darkness. There always is. One just needs to look for it and find it. Kind of like the new babies in your life. Life has been taken away, but also given. There's a certain beauty in that, though very bittersweet. Hugs to you! __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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KBMK
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KBMK
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Prycejosh1987
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Location: UK
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#13
Sorry to hear that, as we get older things become worse because people around you will pass away suddenly. My Nan makes a hobby of going to friends funerals. She has a lot of friends. As a Jamaican christian woman i couldnt expect any less. The way to cope with a death of someone close, is to find closure. We could get a necklace or braclet, or visit the graveside from time to time, when we feel overwhelmed. Etc.
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Open Eyes
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