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KBMK
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Trig Dec 01, 2020 at 03:56 PM
  #1
I have had a lot of loss since the start of 2016. I do not want to list all the losses, and haven't been able to consider the whole of the loss, until I spoke to my therapist today. We talked about Christmas. In the past I spent Christmas with lots of family. There was my dad's side of the family; my maternal Grandmother, and all my mum's side of the family; my own family (husband, step son, and in laws, their spouses and children); as well as work mates, and the vulnerable adults that we supported.

Due to deaths, and estrangement post abuse, and after miscarrying, I have few people in my life now. This Christmas, I will probably spend with an aunt and a cousin, who are lovely people that I am happy to have in my life.

I have put a trigger warning for mention of abuse and miscarriage. I am starting to process all of this loss, and understand how it's impacted on how I live my life. I have lots of methods, and see the grieving process, now after the initial shock, as having two repeating phases.

People say grief comes in waves. I also think of it as the phases of the moon, waxing and waning.

With the waxing, or the rise of the wave, I pay tribute. I give attention to what I have lost, and what it meant to me. I revisit the relationship, and visit resting places, and spend time with photos and mementos.

With the waning, or the fall of the wave, I let go. I say goodbye to whatever/whoever I have been paying tribute to, by moving forward in my life.

I don't know how long this will last, maybe all my life, and of course there will be more losses to come, as long as I'm here.

I hope it helps some people to read this, and I really appreciate anyone's comments, and to hear about your own experiences and coping methods.

Thanks and hugs

Last edited by KBMK; Dec 01, 2020 at 05:52 PM..
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 05:13 PM
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Dear KBMK,

What heartbreaking situations you have endured! I am so, so sorry. In my own life I have suffered some terrible losses but after what seemed like an eternity I somehow passed beyond the grief. It is sad to see people who are beset by grief from every side. People like you inspire me in my own life and I think you are very heroic. So sorry again for your losses!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 05:19 PM
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Thank you Yaowen, it is always lovely and very comforting reading your kind and thoughtful posts. I am happy your grief has passed. It's reassuring to hear too
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 05:29 PM
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i am so Sorry for Your Losses! Please hang in there. It will take Time for You to Grieve Your Losses. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @KBMK, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
i am so Sorry for Your Losses! Please hang in there. It will take Time for You to Grieve Your Losses. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @KBMK, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Kind words Mr Cheeky much appreciated! Hugs and all of that to you too
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 06:34 PM
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The loss itself is never anything one can really prepare for. And when it happens we have to face how there are things that happen in our lives that we do not have any control over. That's hard enough, but then there is a stage that I call the realization of absence. It's very personal, because it's how that presence had an affect on you personally.

My father in law is having a hard time since his wife died. He gets angry when anyone tells him to let go and move on etc. I have to say, that is NOT how to respond to someone struggling. My FIL talks about how his wife was his sweetheart for 70 years. And I know he needs to be able to talk about it, so I let him talk and "feel" so he isn't "feeling alone". My MIL was a very kind and patient woman, and everyone misses her.

Honestly, we never JUST get over a loss, we SLOWLY learn to live our lives despite that absence. That means learning how to do our holidays without that presence and it's not easy. When it's there we get so used to it being there, we don't really think about it not being there. But when it is lost, we slowly realize the value of life. If we did not struggle like this, we would not enjoy togetherness, we would not care at all and if that was the case, we would not have survived the way we have.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by KBMK View Post
With the waxing, or the rise of the wave, I pay tribute. I give attention to what I have lost, and what it meant to me. I revisit the relationship, and visit resting places, and spend time with photos and mementos.

With the waning, or the fall of the wave, I let go. I say goodbye to whatever/whoever I have been paying tribute to, by moving forward in my life.
Very well spoken and described. This is inspiring to me. As you very well know I am dealing with a loss right now.

I love your ideas of how to deal with it. And it does come and go, or wax and wane.

I am terribly sorry for all your losses. I do hope you can find some comfort through this holiday season.


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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 08:36 AM
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The loss itself is never anything one can really prepare for. And when it happens we have to face how there are things that happen in our lives that we do not have any control over. That's hard enough, but then there is a stage that I call the realization of absence. It's very personal, because it's how that presence had an affect on you personally.

My father in law is having a hard time since his wife died. He gets angry when anyone tells him to let go and move on etc. I have to say, that is NOT how to respond to someone struggling. My FIL talks about how his wife was his sweetheart for 70 years. And I know he needs to be able to talk about it, so I let him talk and "feel" so he isn't "feeling alone". My MIL was a very kind and patient woman, and everyone misses her.

Honestly, we never JUST get over a loss, we SLOWLY learn to live our lives despite that absence. That means learning how to do our holidays without that presence and it's not easy. When it's there we get so used to it being there, we don't really think about it not being there. But when it is lost, we slowly realize the value of life. If we did not struggle like this, we would not enjoy togetherness, we would not care at all and if that was the case, we would not have survived the way we have.
I can't imagine what your father in law is going through, and why anyone would push him to move on after all those years together.
It is hard to realize the absence...it is true, and I had felt that, but not thought of it in that way.
It's true that I miss people from my past, and miss sometimes the physical presence, but then it is very personal to feel what is missing from your own life. Like you say, it does make the importance of togetherness SO apparent. Thank you
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 08:45 AM
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Very well spoken and described. This is inspiring to me. As you very well know I am dealing with a loss right now.

I love your ideas of how to deal with it. And it does come and go, or wax and wane.

I am terribly sorry for all your losses. I do hope you can find some comfort through this holiday season.

Thanks I love Christmas! It's been weirdly different year after year, and (no losses in the family since last Xmas, but two new babies ) with Covid, it's more shrunk down than ever. I wish everyone could spend Christmas with someone they really love. There's a bistro near me that puts on dinner for anyone who wants company at Christmas, and I'm hoping, if all's well next year I can help out there
Hope we can spread some cheer (and no nasty viruses)
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 09:12 AM
  #10
I know you are dealing with loss too, @HaveHope , and I know it especially shocking and confusing when it's the loss of an abusive relationship.
It's hard to process, and to revisit the great memories and the personal importance of the love you shared and the commitments that were made
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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 09:33 AM
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Thanks I love Christmas! It's been weirdly different year after year, and (no losses in the family since last Xmas, but two new babies ) with Covid, it's more shrunk down than ever. I wish everyone could spend Christmas with someone they really love. There's a bistro near me that puts on dinner for anyone who wants company at Christmas, and I'm hoping, if all's well next year I can help out there
Hope we can spread some cheer (and no nasty viruses)
I love the spirit of Christmas, but not the commercialism. That Bistro has the right idea - bringing people together who are lonely and/or without loved ones on Christmas. I volunteered at a homeless soup kitchen one year and it was the most rewarding experience. The gift of giving and kindness is what it's all about.

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Default Dec 02, 2020 at 09:35 AM
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I know you are dealing with loss too, @HaveHope , and I know it especially shocking and confusing when it's the loss of an abusive relationship.
It's hard to process, and to revisit the great memories and the personal importance of the love you shared and the commitments that were made
Thank you, my friend. I deeply appreciate your kind words and support (very much!!!).

It's a death. So I am grieving a death of all that the relationship represented. I am healing though.. there IS a bright spot through all the darkness. There always is. One just needs to look for it and find it. Kind of like the new babies in your life. Life has been taken away, but also given. There's a certain beauty in that, though very bittersweet.



Hugs to you!

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Default Dec 04, 2020 at 11:01 AM
  #13
Sorry to hear that, as we get older things become worse because people around you will pass away suddenly. My Nan makes a hobby of going to friends funerals. She has a lot of friends. As a Jamaican christian woman i couldnt expect any less. The way to cope with a death of someone close, is to find closure. We could get a necklace or braclet, or visit the graveside from time to time, when we feel overwhelmed. Etc.
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