advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Anonymous44928
Guest
Anonymous44928 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dec 18, 2020 at 11:14 AM
  #1
This is the message I get all the time, whether I cannot find a job or make friends ... etc. It must be me, and I receive all kind of responses that emphasize that.

About friends, all the time I am the one who must introduce himself, and initiate things, and then keep initiating them. This has happened with all the people I was trying to befriend. The message I get, and I will probably get again, is that there must be something wrong with me and my approach, although I initiated talk with them to make genuine connection with them. But for some reason my attempts weren't reciprocated. This has happened recently with a colleague at work, where I was checking on him while working from home and chat with him, while he didn't show any attempt or interest in initiating that, not even once.

About finding a job, I submit applications, and make the effort to prepare my applications and projects, but all I get is rejection. The response I get is that I am not showing interest in the company, and that I just want a job ... etc.

It seems whatever I do is not good enough, and I must bend all the way all the time to be accepted and get what I want/need.

I feel everyone functions out self-interest. If they feel I am of no benefit to them, then they don't need to connect with me.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
downandlonely, Fuzzybear, hvert, MickeyCheeky, mote.of.soul, Taylor27, unaluna, Werewoman
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky, Taylor27

advertisement
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 05:23 AM
  #2
Beyond chit chat or submitting applications what else do you do for friend and job possibilities?

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous44928
Guest
Anonymous44928 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 08:42 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Beyond chit chat or submitting applications what else do you do for friend and job possibilities?
What do you mean? What else am I supposed to do other than taking initiative and introduce myself to others, and talking to them and keep initiating things and suggesting activities (that were all declined by the way from all people, and that's why I am alone now and I prefer it over humiliating myself trying to make someone else accepts me). Also what else can I do other than submitting my applications? Sure I will hear you must make connections, but the first issue, prevents me from forming connections. Besides, the idea that I have to please someone and make them feel important to make my life easier is not something I swallow easily. Of course, it's how the world works, and you will say I have to adapt to live, but this is the point of my post: how the world works and how things are done by most people doesn't mean it's the right way. It seems to me, people have to basically bend to others and act as humble servants until they reach to the heights of the people they seek approval from, and then expect others to do the same to them. If I were a hiring manager, I wouldn't take candidates except from formal application submission channels. This connections thing favors some people over others, for example extroverts over introverts.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Werewoman
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 09:55 AM
  #4
i can hear you! i have often tried to make FriEnds but to no avail, yet i feel like i have tried pretty hard. in that case i do genuinely believe it was my fault as i am a really boring person. But i do believe sometimes other people don't make much of an effort. Of course they don't really have any obligation towards others, but it does make things harder for us introverts or simply shy people. Please do not give up though as i am SURE that there are people whom would be more willing to take some more initiative, although i can't be quite sure as far as work is concerned unfortunately! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Diurnal, your family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
downandlonely
downandlonely
Legendary
 
downandlonely's Avatar
downandlonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
10.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 02:16 PM
  #5
I have had difficulty making connections before. In my case, I wonder if it's because I might be on the autism spectrum and have difficulty reading social cues.
downandlonely is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Werewoman
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,341 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,262 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 04:52 PM
  #6
I don't think "it must be you" in a sense that you are to blame, doing something wrong, or at fault. The thing is, the only thing you have the power to change is you. You can't force others to talk to you or force employers to hire you, so all you can do is change what you do. It doesn't mean what you did before is wrong, but just that it wasn't working. And I would say it's not YOU; there's nothing wrong with YOU. You don't need to change YOU. You may need to change what you're doing though.

Making friends is always hard. I am an extrovert, but neurodivergent, and it's a challenge for me too. I've developed ways of approaching people that work for me. It's trial and error. With jobs, don't blame yourself. It's REALLY hard out there right now. So many people are looking for jobs, including lots of people who were laid off and have lots of experience. It can be harder if you have less work experience (I think you said somewhere else that you had less experience). I know it doesn't feel like much help to say that it's really hard out there. You could try freelancing and picking up some experience on one of the freelance websites that might help both your bank account and your resume. What I'm trying to say is that it's not a reflection on you that you're having a difficult time landing the final job right now when lots of people are having the same challenge.

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto, Turtle_Rider
RoxanneToto
Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 yr Member
6,991 hugs
given
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 05:07 PM
  #7
I don’t think it is “you”, per se, it is difficult for a lot of people to make friends (autism spectrum/neurodivergent, or not) and as for the job market, it’s been tough in general for ages, even pre covid. All you can do there is make yourself as “marketable” as possible and keep trying. I get it’s difficult, though.
RoxanneToto is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 06:33 PM
  #8
I don’t think it’s just you, some people are A holes.
(too many “you” statements (and multiple yawn making, cringe making cliches). Or extreme self absorption can be a give away. Maybe dump some of them before they dump you........

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 19, 2020 at 06:36 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
I don't think "it must be you" in a sense that you are to blame, doing something wrong, or at fault. The thing is, the only thing you have the power to change is you. You can't force others to talk to you or force employers to hire you, so all you can do is change what you do. It doesn't mean what you did before is wrong, but just that it wasn't working. And I would say it's not YOU; there's nothing wrong with YOU. You don't need to change YOU. You may need to change what you're doing though.

Making friends is always hard. I am an extrovert, but neurodivergent, and it's a challenge for me too. I've developed ways of approaching people that work for me. It's trial and error. With jobs, don't blame yourself. It's REALLY hard out there right now. So many people are looking for jobs, including lots of people who were laid off and have lots of experience. It can be harder if you have less work experience (I think you said somewhere else that you had less experience). I know it doesn't feel like much help to say that it's really hard out there. You could try freelancing and picking up some experience on one of the freelance websites that might help both your bank account and your resume. What I'm trying to say is that it's not a reflection on you that you're having a difficult time landing the final job right now when lots of people are having the same challenge.
I agree with this post.


__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
seesaw
Anonymous44928
Guest
Anonymous44928 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dec 22, 2020 at 08:35 AM
  #10
The point of my post is that I think I am initiating and being proactive and trying to meet people in the middle, but I feel I have to reach all the way and must keep doing this all the time. I don't mind changing my approach and keep trying from time to time, but I have issues with changing who I am to please others, or to be fake just to get things. It seems to me this is the way the world works, and the world is full of "pleasers", and I am greatly troubled by this. For example, in my last job, employees were trying to please the manager to get promoted ... etc. Our societies are designed in a way that contradicts our nature: we humans are equalitarian species, and being in a hierarchal structure with less social status is very detrimental to our well-being. I hate it, and I guess others hate it, too, but they go with it to get what they want/need, and reach new social and power heights by pleasing the powerful, so that others start asking for their approval. Is this smart and I am being stupid? Maybe.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Marielle
Member
 
Marielle's Avatar
Marielle has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 44
8 yr Member
10 hugs
given
Default Dec 22, 2020 at 03:56 PM
  #11
It's a reality that the world only cares about what you offer it. It's not so much about who you are (nice, smart, funny, etc.) but what you do to contribute. That's what living in a society is, with everyone doing and contributing. The trick is finding a group where you both give AND take because you need what the others in the group offer and they need what you offer. That can be very difficult, though. I struggle with it, myself.
Marielle is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
MsLady
Poohbah
MsLady has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,143
3 yr Member
360 hugs
given
Default Dec 27, 2020 at 03:59 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diurnal View Post
[FONT="Book Antiqua"][SIZE="4"]I don't mind changing my approach but I have issues with changing who I am to please others, or to be fake just to get things.
I can relate with this. I don't do well with superficial "small-talk" and I'm not good at it when it's with important people in my life (colleagues, in-laws, neighbours).. and it shows. Undoubtedly, it's what keeps my social circle limited. They're simply uncomfortable with me because I'm uncomfortable with this social dance. It doesn't feel natural and despite it's intention to connect, I don't feel a connection when having these superficial conversations.

It's like the world lives in Facebook. What people present in there statuses is not their authentic self. It's a show for attention and validation, and is very self-serving.. but we don't know what's really going on in their heads. THAT I find disconnecting.

Why are people pushing you away? Maybe it's because you're not being your authentic self. Sounds like you're putting your energy into pleasing others against your own grain and it may be presenting itself with force, a tone of voice, and a phony interest in others as you "try" making a friend.

Be you. Figure out what that means.
MsLady is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Turtle_Rider
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 28, 2020 at 01:24 AM
  #13
I am with MsLady on this. I hate small talk. I am social but I maintain somewhat small circle of friends (as oppose to large crowd) because I can’t stand small talk. I zone out and move on. If there’s no substance, I have no patience to engage.

I am not interested in pleasing people unless it’s something needed for professional reasons like keeping clientele pleased, that’s different
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Turtle_Rider
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:40 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.