[SarahSweden]

I'm 40 years old and I haven't managed to do anything with my life. I did manage to get a university degree and I also studied several other university courses which I completed. But after that, after 30, I haven't managed to do anything out of my life.

I've never had a relationship, I've never dated, I've had a few acquaintances but I don't meet with them any longer. I don't work and never did except during some shorter periods in my 20s and 30s. I know I've been depressed for years but not as early as when I was 30.

I'm not looking for ideas like joining a club or looking for mental health care elsewhere. I'm more interested in how I ended up like this. I don't have any neuropsychiatric conditions and not everything has been up to me either.

I just wonder how it all went so very wrong. Now I think about suicide several times a month and I don't see a path to anything really, but misery. It's not a matter of attitude or "seeing things differently" as I'm so totally behind everyone else and what they have been able to do in their lives.

I easily get hurt by other people and I can't handle the rather harsh work climate. I cry and I don't have the strength nor will to push through all obstacles. There's no help, I've been trying to find help for years but noone can help me.

[UnpopularTiger]

I'm sorry you're in the pain you're in. I wish I could help you. I'm on the same road.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that you're hurting. Sometimes there may be no easy explainations for how things turn out in our own Lives. i can't provide answers but i Hope you will find Support here. Please do not give up. You matter. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @SarahSweden, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Sorry to hear about this. I feel like I can very well relate. I'm older than you are and when I was in my 30s and 40s, I felt very much the same. I hadn't been married, though I came close a couple of times and did not have many relationships and friends. Also, it seemed like everyone else was doing better than me with their occupations.

Right now in my life, things haven't changed much since then, but I feel more content. It seems like now, "making it" isn't so important like it used to be. I'm still not married and only have one friend who is just alright but not great. Also my family has separated and there's very little contact with them.

My father passed away when I was in my early 40s and I got a small inheritance. When I received it, I decided to sink most of it into a down payment for a condo. When my mother passed away eight years later, I received more in the inheritance. A few years later I paid off the mortgage. A couple of years ago, I sold the condo and received three times more than what I purchased it for. So now I have the money in my savings and looking forward to retiring, which should be fairly soon.

I have been introverted and felt like an outcast all of my life; and have not been rewarded greatly because of it. I can't offer any suggestions but I had tried everything other people had suggested for me that would help, and nothing worked. Maybe I'm not much help, but at least you're not alone and I think that things can get better for you in the future.

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you're suffering @SarahSweden

Maybe you're a highly sensitive person with depression. I think you are asking the wrong question though ("why did I end up like this?"). If you want to be happy and lead a more quality life, why not ask yourself how you can achieve that, instead? I don't see what good could come of analyzing the past like this. I'm sorry you're struggling.

[unaluna]

Woven youre saying like, the two dogs, one growling, one sweet - which one survives? The one you feed.

Una, thanks. Yeah I guess it is like the dogs the one you feed. I hope SarahSweden finds it helpful - I was worried I'd come across as flippant. I really know what its like to be depressed and like my life "didn't amount to much." I can relate. I also wonder if those thoughts in and of themselves come from a depressed place. Hugs to the OP.

[Marie123]

Would you consider seeing a therapist?

[downandlonely]

I actually saw a TED talk about people who are introspective. It found that people who introspectively asked "why" (as you seem to do Sarah) were often unhappy.

If people changed the question to "how" as in, "How can I achieve what I want to in my life?" it lifted their moods.

I'm not trying to downplay how you are feeling, but I agree with others that asking why is not really helpful. You will never find a satisfactory answer. I find when I focus on the present and the future (rather than the past and the why), I feel better.

[unaluna]

Downandlonely yeah, i saw an article quite some time ago that said, people who are optimistic that their lives will be better a year from now, often do NOT make the needed changes for that to happen, because they just sit there in their blissful little delusional bubble, and i realized thats EXACTLY what i was doing!

Also the thing about make ONE little POSITIVE change in your life until it becomes a habit - never seemed like ENOUGH.

Until i started doing it. Its hard to accept the positive effect of even one little change in your life, thats the problem. Its like trying to turn the Titanic away from the iceberg. But is that a reason to stop trying? C'mon, we got this! (I TOLD you i was delusionally optimistic!)

[seeker33]

I'm sorry Sarah. I have no advice for you. Just wanted to say I'm similar. I'm 33, never been in a relationship, I've never kissed a boy... I do work but it's only a small family business for half a day. I pretend that I'm a private tutor in the afternoon but it's not a proper job either, more a hobby that I do to socialise. I'm dreading the time when I'll have to get a proper job. I'm sure I'll break down from the pressure. I won't be able to do that.
I know this isn't helpful, but you're not alone. Hugs

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your support. :-)

Originally Posted by UnpopularTiger

I'm sorry you're in the pain you're in. I wish I could help you. I'm on the same road.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Hugs back to you, thanks for your support! :-)

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

So Sorry that you're hurting. Sometimes there may be no easy explainations for how things turn out in our own Lives. i can't provide answers but i Hope you will find Support here. Please do not give up. You matter. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @SarahSweden, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for sharing. I think it´s hard to be one of few who hasn't married nor been in a relationship. When years go by I feel it´s also more difficult to "defend" and explain why I haven´t been in a relationship. It´s also hard to be without important aspects in life like family and friends. It´s like I just survive but there´s no life quality.

It´s good you got that inheritance even if money can´t compensate for other things. But at least you get a little more freedom when having some money to spend. Do you still think of trying to find someone to marry or to find more friends?

Originally Posted by will19

Sorry to hear about this. I feel like I can very well relate. I'm older than you are and when I was in my 30s and 40s, I felt very much the same. I hadn't been married, though I came close a couple of times and did not have many relationships and friends. Also, it seemed like everyone else was doing better than me with their occupations.

Right now in my life, things haven't changed much since then, but I feel more content. It seems like now, "making it" isn't so important like it used to be. I'm still not married and only have one friend who is just alright but not great. Also my family has separated and there's very little contact with them.

My father passed away when I was in my early 40s and I got a small inheritance. When I received it, I decided to sink most of it into a down payment for a condo. When my mother passed away eight years later, I received more in the inheritance. A few years later I paid off the mortgage. A couple of years ago, I sold the condo and received three times more than what I purchased it for. So now I have the money in my savings and looking forward to retiring, which should be fairly soon.

I have been introverted and felt like an outcast all of my life; and have not been rewarded greatly because of it. I can't offer any suggestions but I had tried everything other people had suggested for me that would help, and nothing worked. Maybe I'm not much help, but at least you're not alone and I think that things can get better for you in the future.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I´m sorry you´re in a similar position as mine. I think it becomes a bit of a handicap when you´re above 30 and haven´t been in a relationship, at least I feel that way. Do you mean you couldn´t cope with an ordinary job?

Where I live the job market is very difficult and a lot of people get workrelated issues and illnessess due to the hard work climate.

Originally Posted by seeker33

I'm sorry Sarah. I have no advice for you. Just wanted to say I'm similar. I'm 33, never been in a relationship, I've never kissed a boy... I do work but it's only a small family business for half a day. I pretend that I'm a private tutor in the afternoon but it's not a proper job either, more a hobby that I do to socialise. I'm dreading the time when I'll have to get a proper job. I'm sure I'll break down from the pressure. I won't be able to do that.
I know this isn't helpful, but you're not alone. Hugs

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Do you still think of trying to find someone to marry or to find more friends?

As far as for me getting married is concerned, I feel like it's too late for me because I'm too old to be married for the first time. So many people have told me that it's never too late, but I think they have no idea what it's like to be old and married for the first time. I have personally known a few people who got married for the first time after 50. All of them came down with severe health issues and passed away within a few years after they got married. It seemed like their health were OK before they got married. Also, it's a tremendous adjustment to make, since it's very difficult to live with someone else after years of being alone and being the "boss" for yourself. The older you get, the harder it is to find compatibility.

I'd like to make more friends, but it's always been difficult for me. Men (I'm a male myself) tend to be very picky about who to have as friends. I'm that way myself. Plus, I have trust issues with meeting new people. I have been burned so many times. And, of course, there's the pandemic to deal with. But it was hard for me before that.

[divine1966]

Several of my good girlfriends have never been married. Some random relationships they had were very short lived and a very long time ago. They came to terms that it’s not happening and enjoy other things in life.

They say married men live longer than unmarried. But married women die sooner and generally are unhappier than single women. I attribute it to many women having too many responsibilities and too much stress. Of course many men have also overwhelming responsibilities of running a household, especially if a woman doesn’t work. Single life might be a blessing in that regard.

To all honesty no one needs to know that you had no relationships. No one’s business

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I think one can be perfectly happy being single or having no experience from marriage but personally I don´t feel that´s how I want life to be. It´s not neccessary to get married perhaps but I don´t want to live on my own. At the same time, I have "nothing" to offer another person ans I would be too ashamed to go out on a date and tell the other person that I don´t work, or that I´ve had mental issues for several years. It´s not how I see myself either, as someone who will just keep using mental health services all my life.

It´s very difficult to hide that I haven´t had any relationships if I don´t want to lie. At a workplace, if I´ll ever find a job, or when meeting with new people as friends the question will always be there. In a friendship I want to be honest and at the same time it can be seen as very odd if one has never had a relationship. Also, it´s a sorrow to me and it feels nothing in my life is really working.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Several of my good girlfriends have never been married. Some random relationships they had were very short lived and a very long time ago. They came to terms that it’s not happening and enjoy other things in life.

They say married men live longer than unmarried. But married women die sooner and generally are unhappier than single women. I attribute it to many women having too many responsibilities and too much stress. Of course many men have also overwhelming responsibilities of running a household, especially if a woman doesn’t work. Single life might be a blessing in that regard.

To all honesty no one needs to know that you had no relationships. No one’s business

[downandlonely]

yeah, I don't advertise my lack of relationships

[divine1966]

How is it difficult to hide lack of relationships at work? It’s not something needed to be discussed at work at all. Why would it even matter?

It’s not unusual to have mental health issues and many people won’t care or they maybe have some issues themselves!

Is there any particular reason you don’t work? I know there is unemployment in Sweden but it’s only a bit higher than in the US. Working even a part time would open your horizons. Are there no recruitment or job services helping people with employment?