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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 05:17 AM
  #1
I think there is something seriously wrong with me, with my mind. I had lots of psychiatrists, therapists, neurologists, taken prescribed medications, but so far, I don't feel any better. None of these professionals got even close to any solution, some just listened but never said anything (literally) and I felt like I was paying someone just to listen, some just prescribed meds which didn't help and then acted frustrated because I said I don't feel any improvement, Meds made me just sleeping all the time.
I have a hedonistic side of me, which is the one that wants me to enjoy life, I love comics, books, movies, nature, animals, ice-cream, food in general, beaches, sun, sex etc... I have the side that wants me, so badly, to enjoy life while I can. On the other hand there is the other side of me, desperate, sad, who wants some kind of "justice" for world, who is going after goals impossible to achieve, like I want so badly to protect the animals being killed and suffer when I fail every time (because it's not possible!), side that suffers all the bad things in the world, all the suffering, meaningless pain and pollution, and people being reckless, and this side also wants to be liked and at the same time it wants to be right, it wants to have arguments and win, it wants people to be nice to her and to love her, but is also verbally aggressive and honestly I can look insane because I can't calmly stand behind my believes but it all turns into pure anger and visible desperation. That side of me makes my life living hell. It makes my head full of toxic imagined conversations with people like me trying to get some "sense" into them (like I hate littering! or people who beat animals, or who pollute etc) and I hate hate myself for that. On one hand, yes this world has problems, and a lot, and yes, we should be aware of pollution and respect every life, but on the other, NO ONE CARES! In real life I just get harassed, hated, bullied, and more than anything else, ignored and despised. And I can't even feel like I am a victim because my good loving side knows this other side is just unreasonable bully who wants to teach people "right ways" by pure aggression and desperation, poisoning myself in the process (and possibly also few people that do care about me).
I can't even sleep, I have imaginary conversation, many of them, in my head, with people who did wrong things in my opinion. For example, there is that coworker who irrationally hates me, never told me the reason, he just showed it a lot. I am obsessed in my head to prove him wrong but why??? Why do I even care? Who cares? There is always someone who will hate you for no reason, why give that person so much power? Or person who kicks cats and dogs on the street? Why give them so much space in your head? I will never for sure make them change their mind. Why can't I just freaking live in peace with everything and let my hedonism side enjoy life?
Just to add, I am not physically aggressive or abusive, I don't get into fights or attack people. I have work (for which I live in daily fear of losing it), I am a single mom, I like to look good and take care of myself, and on the outside I come to look pretty normal.
But that dark side of me is RUINING ME! It makes my head full of toxic thoughts and wants to fight some battles I can never win. And it's anxious, it's scared of so many things. What is that? Why can no one help me? People always say "ask for help". I did, but no one helped me. They just... write me off. I started thinking the best for me would be to just disappear. I am damaging myself and everyone around me. What is wrong with me?
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 05:29 AM
  #2
People (including myself) are imperfect and can be disappointing. I have found focusing on spiritual things helpful. It can also be helpful to focus on tangible goals like staying fit, work or a hobby to try to get out of your head. I try to be forgiving because I know I have also done harm. That includes being forgiving of myself. Sometimes it is our own thoughts that cause the most harm.
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 05:49 AM
  #3
Being inside of my head is sometimes like hell. And why so much anger? My life wasn't easy but it wasn't that bad.
I do try to focus on things, I am learning new languages, training kick box and draw... but still have just enough time to think to make me miserable. Especially before sleep.
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 05:57 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
Being inside of my head is sometimes like hell. And why so much anger? My life wasn't easy but it wasn't that bad.
I do try to focus on things, I am learning new languages, training kick box and draw... but still have just enough time to think to make me miserable. Especially before sleep.
I do not have a problem with anger but when I have had other unwanted thoughts, I found that praying to God for the thoughts to go away enabled me to finally stop the thoughts. IMO, there are some things that we need help with in order to put them behind us. You could also reach out to a therapist or psychiatrist if you have not already done this. I think my medications help me with sleep and compulsive thoughts. And this is a good place too!

Also, when I was younger and my mind was overactive--I would read all night long. I know this is not practical when we are older but that practice did give my overactive mind a mostly positive place to go.
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 06:59 AM
  #5
I did see aa lot of therapists and psychiatrists, I wrote that in my post. It seems to me like they just don't know what to do about me. Some gave me medications, but most of them have no effect or just make me very sleepy, so I can barely function. Even to this day, when I am suffering from real bad anxiety and can't sleep, just half pill of Xanax or Rivotril easily and quickly knock me out. Which is great, but I don't want to get addicted.
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 07:17 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
I did see aa lot of therapists and psychiatrists, I wrote that in my post. It seems to me like they just don't know what to do about me. Some gave me medications, but most of them have no effect or just make me very sleepy, so I can barely function. Even to this day, when I am suffering from real bad anxiety and can't sleep, just half pill of Xanax or Rivotril easily and quickly knock me out. Which is great, but I don't want to get addicted.
Yes, sorry, you did mention that. I also take xanax (only .25 mg when I do because, yes, I agree, addiction is a real problem with this and using all of the time makes it less effective because we just build tolerance to it) and it works but I don't take it two nights in a row even if I am having trouble sleeping... However, I do find it less harmful to my brain than other things that help me sleep. I do think everyone reacts differently to medications though. Are you ruminating every night? I have found that some days I do and some I don't. Perhaps you are just reacting to a stressful life and you are more normal than you think? Anger is a normal reaction to be being bullied. Can you remove a stress in your life? Can you create space or detach from these bullies? Try not to blame yourself for what these bullies have said or done. That is on them. I do believe we reap what we sow and people who throw rocks sometimes can't handle when it happens to them and it eventually happens to all of us! I ask for strength in my prayers sometimes. Also, sometimes I sleep better when I program in more quiet time into my day. Maybe everyone has their own happy medium? Too little activity and we can't sleep; too much and we can't sleep; then there is the just right though sometimes we only have so much control over it all....

One last thought--perhaps I said too much! It is good to get our frustrations out but sometimes rehashing it makes it temporarily worse. I hope you can distract yourself from anything negative in your life. Try to focus on what is good even if it is just that you had food to eat today and shelter to protect you. Gratitude helps. I have seen other people say so and it has helped me as well.....

Last edited by TunedOut; Mar 03, 2021 at 08:01 AM..
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 10:54 AM
  #7
I am sorry about you being bullied, it’s terrible.

As about being upset how the world runs. Although we might not be able to fix the world, we could make a lot of changes.

If littering is upsetting to you, organize a group that cleans up an area or you can do it alone. Lots of people do that. Clean up the neighborhood

If mistreatment of animals is a concern, plenty of animal shelters and animal welfare organizations will welcome your help.

I am disturbed by homelessness. I donate monthly to a homeless shelter. When I can I volunteer there. If you want to change the world, you should try to become that change. Otherwise it’s just a waste of time agonizing about it. Tell me what areas of humanity and world are upsetting to you and I’ll find ways for you to make a change. It could be free to you.

Change starts with us. When we are busy making changes and improving the world, we have less time to be angry about people who don’t make a change and less time to ruminate over stuff we cannot change
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 11:58 AM
  #8
So Sorry that things are being hard! i completely agree with the wise and wonderful TunedOut and divine1966. Please do try to distract yourself a little bit with those things you've mentioned such as comics or movies. Praying and some relaxation exercises may be of help as well. Please do not give up and continue to seek therapy. Perhaps those doctors you've been seeing simply weren't a good fit? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Biba_yu, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 01:13 PM
  #9
I wonder if you might be an empath who feels the pain of the entire world and all living creatures? I know that feeling, trust me!
You might want to look for various protection methods for empaths and highly sensitive people. Your aggression comes from too much empathy and compassion. It's a protective mechanism.

What might help is mindfulness.

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Default Mar 03, 2021 at 09:18 PM
  #10
I find talking about my feelings and problems with others who understand helps. This site is a great place for that.
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 02:54 AM
  #11
Hey @Biba_yu: I am not saying that you need medication or that anyone needs medication to deal with these things but I was wondering if there is a medication that you take daily? I am BPII and my "manic" states involve near obsession or ruminating usually over past things that I cant change or do over. Many times I have magnified their significance. I have been relatively stable for about 15 years and what really saved me was an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. On the occasions where even that doesnt work or in times of great stress I do a grounding thing that I actually learned by watching "the punisher" if you can believe it. In that show the doctor tells a patient to find 3 or 4 or 5 'blue'(or whatever color you want) things in the room to distract you from the hamster wheel in your head. So for me I might say "Ok sweets find 3 blue things in this room". Then I will say to myself: " I see a blue book, I see a blue chair and I see a blue pillow. You get the idea. Its not really something that I feel works all the time but sometimes in great strife it helps break the cycle.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
I think there is something seriously wrong with me, with my mind. I had lots of psychiatrists, therapists, neurologists, taken prescribed medications, but so far, I don't feel any better. None of these professionals got even close to any solution, some just listened but never said anything (literally) and I felt like I was paying someone just to listen, some just prescribed meds which didn't help and then acted frustrated because I said I don't feel any improvement, Meds made me just sleeping all the time.
I have a hedonistic side of me, which is the one that wants me to enjoy life, I love comics, books, movies, nature, animals, ice-cream, food in general, beaches, sun, sex etc... I have the side that wants me, so badly, to enjoy life while I can. On the other hand there is the other side of me, desperate, sad, who wants some kind of "justice" for world, who is going after goals impossible to achieve, like I want so badly to protect the animals being killed and suffer when I fail every time (because it's not possible!), side that suffers all the bad things in the world, all the suffering, meaningless pain and pollution, and people being reckless, and this side also wants to be liked and at the same time it wants to be right, it wants to have arguments and win, it wants people to be nice to her and to love her, but is also verbally aggressive and honestly I can look insane because I can't calmly stand behind my believes but it all turns into pure anger and visible desperation. That side of me makes my life living hell. It makes my head full of toxic imagined conversations with people like me trying to get some "sense" into them (like I hate littering! or people who beat animals, or who pollute etc) and I hate hate myself for that. On one hand, yes this world has problems, and a lot, and yes, we should be aware of pollution and respect every life, but on the other, NO ONE CARES! In real life I just get harassed, hated, bullied, and more than anything else, ignored and despised. And I can't even feel like I am a victim because my good loving side knows this other side is just unreasonable bully who wants to teach people "right ways" by pure aggression and desperation, poisoning myself in the process (and possibly also few people that do care about me).
I can't even sleep, I have imaginary conversation, many of them, in my head, with people who did wrong things in my opinion. For example, there is that coworker who irrationally hates me, never told me the reason, he just showed it a lot. I am obsessed in my head to prove him wrong but why??? Why do I even care? Who cares? There is always someone who will hate you for no reason, why give that person so much power? Or person who kicks cats and dogs on the street? Why give them so much space in your head? I will never for sure make them change their mind. Why can't I just freaking live in peace with everything and let my hedonism side enjoy life?
Just to add, I am not physically aggressive or abusive, I don't get into fights or attack people. I have work (for which I live in daily fear of losing it), I am a single mom, I like to look good and take care of myself, and on the outside I come to look pretty normal.
But that dark side of me is RUINING ME! It makes my head full of toxic thoughts and wants to fight some battles I can never win. And it's anxious, it's scared of so many things. What is that? Why can no one help me? People always say "ask for help". I did, but no one helped me. They just... write me off. I started thinking the best for me would be to just disappear. I am damaging myself and everyone around me. What is wrong with me?

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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 04:32 AM
  #12
Thank you all for really nice words!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Yes, sorry, you did mention that. I also take xanax (only .25 mg when I do because, yes, I agree, addiction is a real problem with this and using all of the time makes it less effective because we just build tolerance to it) and it works but I don't take it two nights in a row even if I am having trouble sleeping... However, I do find it less harmful to my brain than other things that help me sleep. I do think everyone reacts differently to medications though. Are you ruminating every night? I have found that some days I do and some I don't. Perhaps you are just reacting to a stressful life and you are more normal than you think? Anger is a normal reaction to be being bullied. Can you remove a stress in your life? Can you create space or detach from these bullies? Try not to blame yourself for what these bullies have said or done. That is on them. I do believe we reap what we sow and people who throw rocks sometimes can't handle when it happens to them and it eventually happens to all of us! I ask for strength in my prayers sometimes. Also, sometimes I sleep better when I program in more quiet time into my day. Maybe everyone has their own happy medium? Too little activity and we can't sleep; too much and we can't sleep; then there is the just right though sometimes we only have so much control over it all....

One last thought--perhaps I said too much! It is good to get our frustrations out but sometimes rehashing it makes it temporarily worse. I hope you can distract yourself from anything negative in your life. Try to focus on what is good even if it is just that you had food to eat today and shelter to protect you. Gratitude helps. I have seen other people say so and it has helped me as well.....
So true! I do get my frustrations out too much! And I think I don't ruminate every night, at least not in same proportions. It depends on how stressful day it was. I have a lot of problem with temper and anger management and socialization so I try to minimize contacts with people that could "trigger" me, but it's not always possible. Also, the news... We all know how devastating news can make you and you can't do anything to make those bad things any better. I think half of xanax or any benzo here and there makes less damage than being tense and miserable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
I am sorry about you being bullied, it’s terrible.

As about being upset how the world runs. Although we might not be able to fix the world, we could make a lot of changes.

If littering is upsetting to you, organize a group that cleans up an area or you can do it alone. Lots of people do that. Clean up the neighborhood

If mistreatment of animals is a concern, plenty of animal shelters and animal welfare organizations will welcome your help.

I am disturbed by homelessness. I donate monthly to a homeless shelter. When I can I volunteer there. If you want to change the world, you should try to become that change. Otherwise it’s just a waste of time agonizing about it. Tell me what areas of humanity and world are upsetting to you and I’ll find ways for you to make a change. It could be free to you.

Change starts with us. When we are busy making changes and improving the world, we have less time to be angry about people who don’t make a change and less time to ruminate over stuff we cannot change
It's great you have homeless shelters and animal help in your country! We don't have that yet, I wish we did. We have real homeless people and people who pretend to be homeless to get money, which is awful because people are then suspicious or people who really need help! There is no organization that enables you to help them, or to help animals because country is poor and has to deal with economic disasters and political issues, which are a lot! From my side, I can't do much about littering alone, one thing I can do is feed stray animals and try not to get noticed. But even that could bite me back because, if number of strays gets too large, people might decide to kill them all. SO I feel like I am doing a damage by feeding them and getting them used to humans. I feel also very alone in this, because people are so worried about basic existence needs that they don't care about pollution or homeless or animals. Government is destroying all green areas for parking lots and malls no one needs and it's sometimes too much! Also, we don't have real measures for epidemics, so the situation here is tough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky
So Sorry that things are being hard! i completely agree with the wise and wonderful TunedOut and divine1966. Please do try to distract yourself a little bit with those things you've mentioned such as comics or movies. Praying and some relaxation exercises may be of help as well. Please do not give up and continue to seek therapy. Perhaps those doctors you've been seeing simply weren't a good fit? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Biba_yu, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Thank you! I used to do all that a lot, but my mind seems to be very distracted now and it's difficult to concentrate. I always had problems with attention span so I think I might have some form of ADD. And when I am stressed out, my attention span is zero! Chores help sometimes as they do not require too much thinking, also working out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker33
I wonder if you might be an empath who feels the pain of the entire world and all living creatures? I know that feeling, trust me!
You might want to look for various protection methods for empaths and highly sensitive people. Your aggression comes from too much empathy and compassion. It's a protective mechanism.

What might help is mindfulness.
Maybe, it is possible, but it's the worst thing in the world! I tried to work on mindfulness but I still didn't get how it works. Having possible ADD and impatience makes things more difficult. I think impatience is my worst enemy , was and still is.
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 04:40 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @Biba_yu: I am not saying that you need medication or that anyone needs medication to deal with these things but I was wondering if there is a medication that you take daily? I am BPII and my "manic" states involve near obsession or ruminating usually over past things that I cant change or do over. Many times I have magnified their significance. I have been relatively stable for about 15 years and what really saved me was an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. On the occasions where even that doesnt work or in times of great stress I do a grounding thing that I actually learned by watching "the punisher" if you can believe it. In that show the doctor tells a patient to find 3 or 4 or 5 'blue'(or whatever color you want) things in the room to distract you from the hamster wheel in your head. So for me I might say "Ok sweets find 3 blue things in this room". Then I will say to myself: " I see a blue book, I see a blue chair and I see a blue pillow. You get the idea. Its not really something that I feel works all the time but sometimes in great strife it helps break the cycle.
I am not taking any medications daily at this time, I used to be on some antidepressants but they didn't work. This:
Quote:
I am BPII and my "manic" states involve near obsession or ruminating usually over past things that I cant change or do over. Many times I have magnified their significance.
I recognize myself in this a lot!!! I know exactly the feeling, like a hundreds of imagined dialogs and possibilities and monologs and thoughts running through your head at the same time, and you can't stop them! Sometimes I just want to switch my mind off. Some benzos can help temporary, but I have to be careful not to develop resistance or addiction so it's not real solution. Just like you said, a hamster wheel in my head, but sometimes, it's like whole amusement park but in a bad way.
That method with blue color, one of my therapists suggested something similar: first you find 5 objects in the room to focus visually, then 4 things to touch and feel their structure, the 3 sounds (most difficult to find), then 2 smells to feel, and finally 1 thing to taste, I believe (I am not sure about the last one). It's similar but requires more time. I forgot about that, thanks for reminding me!
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 07:27 AM
  #14
I get it that not every country has programs to help those in need. I am just saying that sometimes taking even a small action about something is more useful than keep ruminating about it. I do understand it’s hard to stop.

You said you can’t do much alone. You can pick up trash outside. Not saying you should do that it might take your mind of things and turn it in to action

I am familiar with your country, I grew up in Europe, your country is less poor than where I am from. It also has charitable organizations helping those in need, of course not perfect but there are organizations dealing with stray dogs and people in need. It’s not a rich country of course but it is no where near the bottom of the list

Last edited by divine1966; Mar 04, 2021 at 07:40 AM..
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