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Erecura
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 01:56 PM
  #1
*Disclaimer: I know this site is not an official diagnostic tool and I shall not use your opinions as means to self diagnose. I'm simply looking for some guidance and help.*

I have troubles with relationships, but not like most people, people like me, I just don't like them. I was bullied as a kid and it made me develop this natural empathy towards other people. I know how much rejection, ignorance and criticism can hurt, so I would never act hostile to anyone. I'm very sensitive to signs of bullying, whether they're used against me or other people, and they always awake deep negative feelings in me. I always make sure that people in my company feel free, welcome and comfortable. I'm a friendly, cheerful and nice person. I hate conflict and hostile emotions, so I always make sure I find a common ground with others. I always try to find something pleasant or fun to talk about. In general, people seem to like me.

The problem is... I don't feel any real connection with anyone whatsoever, only with my partner of 5 years. But when it comes to other people, I always feel so different from them, that I can hardly find any real and valuable connection with them. I don't share any of the hobbies that my peers seem to have, I like different things, different films, different music, I have strong and different opinions, even when I don't always express them. I can't help myself but to me... most people just seem so superficial, shallow, average and stupid that I feel no desire to share anything with them.

Trust me, I try really, rally hard. I always go to a party when they invite me. I try to talk to them, joke around, make them feel good, but in the end, I always feel lonely, misunderstood and one of a kind. I feel like an alien, I feel like, I'll never belong anywhere and I'll always end up feeling alone, no matter how much I try or how many people I meet. I look for any signs of depth and intelligence in people, anything real, personal, unique in them... but most people just don't have it.

Even with my old friends, I feel further away from them than ever before. I've made my choice to fully invest in my career and professional life and they seem like they're still at the same place they were 10 years ago. It's like... no self growth has been done on their part, while I traveled, built up my career, worked on my skills and education, it feels like they stood still.

I'm not going to lie... My issue is that I feel better than most people. I feel like most people aren't good enough for me. On the other hand, I place so extreme expectations on my self, that I never feel good enough for me either. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I work, I always feel imperfect, weak, pathetic and wrong. Just like with people I focus on the negatives with myself as well.

I see exactly what is wrong and defective with everyone including myself. I'm tortured by endless feelings of guilt, self-hatred and imperfection. I wish to be perfect in every aspect of my life and the harder I try, the more I feel like a loser.

They're days when I work 12+ hours and still feel like I have not done enough work. Even when my boss tells me he likes my projects, I always feel like he's just trying to make feel good and they're actually crap. I often make obsessive plans, schedules that I can never keep and always guilty afterwards.

I'm extremely competitive in the inside, meaning, I always compare myself with others and look for things in which I'm better or worse than the other person.

I obsess over my looks. I have days when I binge eat and then days filled with fasting and extreme restriction. I'm on the low-end of normal weight, so even when people often compliment me on my slim figure, it looks healthy, but there's tons of pain and days of hunger behind it. I often don't eat anything whatsoever and I just get drunk from a very little amount of alcohol and that's how I function every other evening. I tell myself that I'm not an alcoholic because I don't drink much, but I don't eat anything as well so I just get drunk from one glass of wine and then usually regret the extra calories later...

So that's the whole story
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 02:05 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Erecura View Post
*Disclaimer: I know this site is not an official diagnostic tool and I shall not use your opinions as means to self diagnose. I'm simply looking for some guidance and help.*

I have troubles with relationships, but not like most people, people like me, I just don't like them. I was bullied as a kid and it made me develop this natural empathy towards other people. I know how much rejection, ignorance and criticism can hurt, so I would never act hostile to anyone. I'm very sensitive to signs of bullying, whether they're used against me or other people, and they always awake deep negative feelings in me. I always make sure that people in my company feel free, welcome and comfortable. I'm a friendly, cheerful and nice person. I hate conflict and hostile emotions, so I always make sure I find a common ground with others. I always try to find something pleasant or fun to talk about. In general, people seem to like me.

The problem is... I don't feel any real connection with anyone whatsoever, only with my partner of 5 years. But when it comes to other people, I always feel so different from them, that I can hardly find any real and valuable connection with them. I don't share any of the hobbies that my peers seem to have, I like different things, different films, different music, I have strong and different opinions, even when I don't always express them. I can't help myself but to me... most people just seem so superficial, shallow, average and stupid that I feel no desire to share anything with them.

Trust mem, I try really, rally hard. I always go to a party when they invite me. I try to talk to them, joke around, make them feel good, but in the end, I always feel lonely, misunderstood and one of a kind. I feel like an alien, I feel like, I'll never belong anywhere and I'll always end up feeling alone, no matter how much I try or how many people I meet. I look for any signs of depth and intelligence in people, anything real, personal, unique in them... but most people just don't have it.

Even with my old friends, I feel further away from them than ever before. I've made my choice to fully invest in my career and professional life and they seem like they're still at the same place they were 10 years ago. It's like... no self growth has been done on their part, while I traveled, built up my career, worked on my skills and education, it feels like they stood still.

I'm not going to lie... My issue is that I feel better than most people. I feel like most people aren't good enough for me. On the other hand, I place so extreme expectations on my self, that I never feel good enough for me either. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I work, I always feel imperfect, weak, pathetic and wrong. Just like with people I focus on the negatives with myself as well.

I see exactly what is wrong and defective with everyone including myself. I'm tortured by endless feelings of guilt, self-hatred and imperfection. I wish to be perfect in every aspect of my life and the harder I try, the more I feel like a loser.

They're days when I work 12+ hours a day and still feel like I have not done enough work. Even when my boss tells me he likes my project, I always feel like he's just trying to make feel good and they're actually crap. I often make obsessive plans, schedules that I can never keep and always guilty afterwards.

I'm extremely competitive in the inside, meaning, I always compare myself with others and look for things in which I'm better or worse than the other person.

I obsess over my looks. I have days when I binge eat and then days filled with fasting and extreme restriction. I'm on the low-end of normal weight, so even when people often compliment me on my slim figure, it looks healthy, but there's tons of pain and days of hunger behind it. I often don't eat anything whatsoever and I just get drunk from a very little amount of alcohol and that's how I function every other evening. I tell myself that I'm not an alcoholic because I don't drink much, but I don't eat anything as well so I just get drunk from one glass of wine and then usually regret the extra calories later...

So that's the whole story
Im sorry but it is you that must tell us if you have a personality disorder or not (your title question)

I did read your post. heres the thing if you google what you posted it would show everything you posted can be anything from normal to a medical problem to a physical problem to addictions to thousands of things and back to normal again.

the best guidance I have is to tell you to contact a treatment provider and have a face to face sit down with them most places are now open for in person contact with treatment providers for diagnostics. they can administer all kinds of tests that can tell you whether you have a mental disorder or not.
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 04:16 PM
  #3
Thanks for sharing. You're an extremely self-aware person, which would probably make you an ideal candidate to do some quick work in therapy. I've often had to be hit over the head before I'd acknowledge my weaknesses to the extent you have! In addition to being self-aware, you protect the feelings of others. Good deal. Keep on keeping on!

Other than that, I don't dare share much more. I avoid diagnosing others because I don't feel it's my place. I hope you can get some answers & find some peace. I would add, however, that it's sometimes a mistake to spend too much effort seeking labels. Labels can become crutches which stunt one's growth if one allows that to happen. I'd simply say that you're human...a strange galaxy of positive traits, & traits which might need some work. Welcome to these forums.
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 05:50 PM
  #4
Sorry that you're feeling like this! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters in that we can't really diagnoes you here unless there are medical professionals. It is certainly a good thing that you're acknowledging your own struggles and flaws though so that is already a good start. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Erecura, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 06:16 PM
  #5
Have you ever seen a therapist? It might help. I’d not diagnose you. It’s not all black and white, people are very very complex. Some things you describe might be perfectly normal and those same things could be a sign of a struggle.

I agree that some people like to use a diagnosis (often perceived) as a crutch and as an excuse of not growing and living in misery. Yet some benefit from true diagnosis so they can get a proper treatment and grow.

So seeing professional is a good idea. Diagnosing on here is pointless and isn’t allowed
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 07:06 PM
  #6
As others have said we can't diagnose on here. So this is not a diagnosis, but you do sound like a perfectionist (I don't believe that is an official diagnosis, but it is a term you might understand).

Therapy might help. Since you mention the binge eating and restriction, you might also look into Overeaters Anonymous. I have found those groups helpful. You can find them on oa.org
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Default Mar 07, 2021 at 12:49 PM
  #7
I don't have a personality disorder, but I sure relate to your description of how you feel about people in general.

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