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Lostpossum
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Trig Mar 07, 2021 at 02:47 AM
  #1
My ex girlfriend went through having an abortion 7 months ago.

Since then I have tried asking her to go to therapy together to unpack it and talk about it. Her reasonings were due to covid and our lack of jobs, and her fear of her disapproving parents.

She shuts down the conversation pretty quickly and then moves on. She normally would never do this.

Further she hates talking about it altogether and thus I had stopped asking.

She had been binge watching tv shows and movies and focusing on her health which is great yes, but its as if she was not at all thinking about it and that is understandable but I just feel like sweeping things under a rug and disassociating are more damaging.

Out of nowhere 7 months post abortion, she told me she associates me to the abortion and thus she couldn't be with me any longer. Again disassociating from her trauma which is understandable but also hurtful she was connecting me to it when I was supportive of her. Its as if she didnt want to be reminded of it at all...

Finally its been 6 months post breakup and I ran into her sister at a grocery store. After catching up, I asked her about her sister. And she said "Funny you ask, we talked the other day about you. I asked her what's he been up to. And unfortunately she said that she hasn't thought about you, searched you, or any of that."

This killed to hear because we had a long and great relationship and I thought I was special to her in some way despite breaking up.

I felt like she was trying to disassociate me from her mind and life, sweeping me under that big rug of hers and not thinking about me.

Does disassociation ever catch up to someone and then they need to handle all those things they have pushed down?

Would she ever stop disassociating me do you think?

Can disassociation last a lifetime?

I would love to be friends just like we were before dating... but yah she doesnt want me around due to the connection of the abortion, and seemingly she doesnt want me in her head either.

Last edited by bluekoi; Mar 07, 2021 at 12:56 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default Mar 07, 2021 at 06:32 PM
  #2
I don't know how long someone can dissociate for. I'm sorry that you have been hurt (though not maliciously or on purpose) by this person. Breakups suck and hurt and there are myriad reasons why someone breaks up with another. Anyway, I'm sorry. It sounds like, like you said, she connects you with her traumatic abortion. And while you can't change how she feels, and you can't change her actions, you can control what you do in response. It sounds like you have compassion for her situation, and also feel sad that she has pretty much cut you from her life. It makes sense how you feel and of course, it hurts. Have you thought about trying to move on from her? Like send her your good thoughts, and just try moving on / letting go if her / saying goodbye (even just in a letter you don't actually send)? I'm not saying to "get over it." Because she likely will be a part of your memories and care. But it would be healthy for anyone in your situation to not dwell in wishing things were different, and to make their own happiness in life. When you are ready, make your own happiness. I wish you well.
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Default Mar 07, 2021 at 07:01 PM
  #3
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds painful. That said, I would be careful to distinguish the term disassociation from the terms deflection and blame. Disassociation involves rupture between the the physical self and physical reality. It can manifest itself by out of body experiences and extended periods of being removed psychologically from your physical surroundings. It sounds like she may be deflecting her pain and denying her decision making onto you to protect herself from confronting her own decisions. If this is the case, I can only recommend that you begin to move on. You cannot control someone else's denial process. It may last far longer than you might like. I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation.
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Default Mar 08, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #4
If by "disassociation" you mean choosing not to be with someone, the truth is it can last forever. She has said that she doesn't want to be with you. While it's not fair for her to blame you for the abortion, you can't change how she feels. Can you try getting counseling for yourself? You might need help to process the breakup and loss of the potential child.
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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 02:58 PM
  #5
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I think the word that more aptly fits is "detachment."

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Default Mar 09, 2021 at 03:34 PM
  #6
So Sorry about what happened. i am afraid i must agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about moving on and let her be. It seems like this has been difficult for all the parties involved so at minimum it will take time before she is able to get over this at least in my opinion. i'd suggest not to dwell too much over it although i understand it hurts. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Lostpossum, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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