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RoxanneToto
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 04:14 PM
  #1
I did something tonight I think was a stupid decision, and I regret it but I’m mostly feeling mad at myself for even thinking it was an ok thing to do!
I went to the pharmacy for my parents (dad was prescribed with antibiotics by district nurse who came early evening) but thought, since I find it hard to navigate the roads that lead there, I’d park close by and walk. Even though it’s dark and could be dangerous.
Got honked at a few times, by people I think were doing it just to be aggressive because I was waiting to cross over the road, not getting in the way, and I cursed myself the whole time for being so stupid.
The last time I did something “obviously” stupid was trying to drive to work when it was snowing recently. I’d felt the roads were getting dodgy on the way home from work the day before, so I really should have just phoned in
Is there any way to try and fix poor decision making abilities like this?
I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, along with a strong possibility of autism and maybe ADHD tendencies, if that makes any difference.
Honestly, while I did get back to my car and home safely, I’m just feeling rather ashamed of myself tonight...
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 04:35 PM
  #2
Well, this is a bit experimental, but have you tried e.g. writing decisions down and reading them out loud to yourself, trying to judge how they sound? Just a thought, not necessarily a good one^^
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 04:40 PM
  #3
It’s a good suggestion, thanks! I can try to remember to do it in future if I don’t have to make on the spot decisions, at least
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 04:48 PM
  #4
It doesn't sound like a dumb decision at all to me, for what it's worth. You made a decision. There were some aspects of the decision that were annoying, but you got the job done and you got out of the house (which I find exciting during this pandemic, lol).
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 05:14 PM
  #5
That’s true, it’s just I was thinking, it’s night, and I’m alone. And I’m still going there, alone. Part of me was excited but in an anxious kind of way. I might have made a rude hand gesture at the last person who honked as they were driving away, too, not that they’d have seen it (I’m not normally provocative, I swear) XD
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 05:27 PM
  #6
i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. i don't think they were particulary awful choices and moments similar to yours can happen to everyone i think. i think writing down the decisions you plan on making is a good idea to at least see if there are any intendend consequences about doing certain things. Please be kind to yourself. i Hope the posts here will help at least a bit. Sorry if i didn't add much. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RoxanneToto, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 05:45 PM
  #7
It’s always a pleasure to see you post, Mickey, even if you feel you don’t have the answers you wish you did. And thank you. You have all helped put things into a bit more perspective for me, in any case. I’m less angry at myself now.
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 06:16 PM
  #8
Oh RoxanneToto, you did nothing wrong. If people were being aggressive and honking for no reason other than to be a jerk, you didn't do anything wrong from what I read in your post. You feel how you feel, but I want to assure you you've done nothing wrong. The world can be a mean and weird place sometimes. I hope you do something tonight that makes you feel good.
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 06:56 PM
  #9
Thank you, WovenGalaxy! My evening since I got home was fairly quiet, I just played a game and talked to mum until we went to bed but it was nice
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Default Mar 20, 2021 at 08:52 PM
  #10
It seems to me a concern that you parked in a place you knew was dangerous. Was it a situation in which you chose to kind-of ignore the potential danger, or where you purposely putting yourself into a dangerous situation?

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Default Mar 21, 2021 at 05:58 AM
  #11
Ha ha, sounds like any hand gestures that might have happened were well deserved. I accidentally showed up thirty minutes early to pick up take out a few weeks ago and pulled off the road in a bad spot on a curve right after a major intersection. I never would have done it if I hadn't thought I was there at the right time and if I'd realized how early I was sooner, I would have moved. Anyway, I was shocked at the amount of beeps I heard at this intersection. I am not even sure why people were beeping. Patience is at a premium and you certainly get a different view of the road when you are sitting in one place for a while watching traffic go by.
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Default Mar 21, 2021 at 05:24 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
It seems to me a concern that you parked in a place you knew was dangerous. Was it a situation in which you chose to kind-of ignore the potential danger, or where you purposely putting yourself into a dangerous situation?
I’m probably going to sound like I’m making a poor excuse in a moment (and I’m sorry about that) but it was more kind of ignoring the potential danger - to me it seemed like a lesser of two evils. The roads near this place are not well laid out at all, and a lot of people drive too fast there anyway so I was worried about having an accident trying to drive there directly. The place I parked was safe enough, it was just going over to the other place that was a risk.
I’m definitely going to bring this up with T next week and see if she’s got any advice on improving poor judgment. I don’t want to find myself in this kind of situation again.
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Default Mar 21, 2021 at 07:28 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
I’m probably going to sound like I’m making a poor excuse in a moment (and I’m sorry about that) but it was more kind of ignoring the potential danger - to me it seemed like a lesser of two evils. The roads near this place are not well laid out at all, and a lot of people drive too fast there anyway so I was worried about having an accident trying to drive there directly. The place I parked was safe enough, it was just going over to the other place that was a risk.
I’m definitely going to bring this up with T next week and see if she’s got any advice on improving poor judgment. I don’t want to find myself in this kind of situation again.

No, it doesn't sound like a poor excuse. I would view this as a concern only if "taking chances" by putting yourself in dangerous situations is a habit.

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Default Mar 21, 2021 at 08:21 PM
  #14
It is my understanding, RoxanneToto, that you were not thinking this was dangerous and you were not thinking rude people were going to honk at you? That was my interpretation. Do I have that right?
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Default Mar 22, 2021 at 02:15 AM
  #15
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
It is my understanding, RoxanneToto, that you were not thinking this was dangerous and you were not thinking rude people were going to honk at you? That was my interpretation. Do I have that right?
I felt it was a risk, but a lesser risk than the alternative, but you’re right that I didn’t think about how drivers might react to me crossing the road. It’s probably because I’d never consider honking (or yelling) at a pedestrian unless I felt I had a reason to. Which is not when I’m stopped at red lights and they’re just crossing over.
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Default Mar 22, 2021 at 07:56 AM
  #16
I still don't think you did anything wrong or bad and am wondering if you're being very hard on yourself due to having social anxiety and trauma. Edit: what did you think was risky about it?

I was confused by the tone of BethRags post to you, hence why I asked what I did.

Yes feel free to talk to your T. I think this is not something you are at fault for though.

Last edited by WovenGalaxy; Mar 22, 2021 at 08:19 AM..
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Default Mar 22, 2021 at 12:29 PM
  #17
I didn’t really consider who else might have been around, I guess. In this instance I felt like I just had to get it done, one way or another, but there have been a few other times in the past where I’ve put myself in potential danger without truly considering what could happen. I don’t want this to become a habit, and I do realise I’ve probably been lucky nothing bad has happened. I’m just hoping we (me and T) can figure out why I’m doing it and see what we can do to help prevent me doing it in future.
I would like to apologise if I’ve worried or alarmed anyone, that wasn’t my intention at all. The responses have been very helpful, though, so thank you!
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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 12:19 PM
  #18
Not every decision we make that could possibly put us in a dangerous position is wrong. I have made those decisions & they were necessary to help the person involved. Mostly I always make sure I have my phone right there with me in situations like that & I make sure I am observant of my surroundings at all times through those situations. I am not adverse to risk in my life & willing to take risks wisely when necessary. My choice to live my life that way. Friends tell me after that they never would have done what I did.....but I know I took the risk wisely & as carefully as possible & the people & animals in the situation also were glad I did.

Just remember, not all risk is bad if we enter wisely observe our surroundings so we know if we need to react to anything while there.

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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 01:23 PM
  #19
Thanks, eskielover! I did have my phone and a personal alarm in my pocket, I think I just felt really scared going over there and back so maybe that’s a big part of why I questioned myself afterwards. My T said it was good that I’d challenged myself, when we spoke last week, too.
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Default Mar 30, 2021 at 05:09 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
Thanks, eskielover! I did have my phone and a personal alarm in my pocket, I think I just felt really scared going over there and back so maybe that’s a big part of why I questioned myself afterwards. My T said it was good that I’d challenged myself, when we spoke last week, too.
I think you are right about the fear being a big part of it. When I make a decision to do something I find I have wise caution when doing it but not fear. Probably because my wise caution has helped me avoid things that would reinforce any feeling of fear in the first place. Though I am sure others would feel fear. I can recall 2 times in my life dealing real fear. One was when I took the tram to the top of a black diamond ski slope in Jackson Hole. I had the skills to ski down, I didn't have self-confidence in those skills while my daughter was flying down the slope yelling back at me "come on mom". I got down in one piece

The other time was when my mom was dying of cancer & I was staying with her & caught the home care person abusing her. Police involved, she had connections with my mom's boyfriend & I had no idea what she might do until I got her out of the house. That was a traumatic experience. Guess everything else has been relative to those experiences

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