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Old 04-17-2021, 06:34 PM   #1
mark27
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Trig Is death the only option?

I posted here a year ago topic about my issues and i havent done anything since. THC that i took 4 months ago changed things in my brain. I become forgetful, more scared, clumsy. I hear noise in my head, heart hurts. Anxiety is so much worse than it was ever before and i truly hate myself for life that i have. Im really alone in this life where i only pay bills and live the same exact routine. I dont think i can be helped. I dont think there is magic pill
I dont think i will ever become someone successful and happy. All i do is suffer, hide, escape reality. My family is blind and when i talked to them they said to stop complain. I have no support from them. I was told to lay down and wait for death. They dont take any responsibility for who i become. Since 2005 i was growing pretty much on my own bouncing between mom dad and grandparents. I become very isolated person. I cant talk to people. I have nothing on my mind. It creates so much issues these days. I want to die but at the same time im scared to do it. I just dont know what to do... its like i want to be gone but at the same time i want to be alive..

Realistically what options do i have...? Meds? If yes for what then? Therapy? I dont believe that talking will cure me. I just cant talk anyway..

Last edited by bluekoi; 04-17-2021 at 07:14 PM.. Reason: To bring within Community Guidelines - Remove method of possible suicidal threat
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Old 04-17-2021, 10:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Iím sorry you feel so alone and that you canít even reach out to family. I do recommend therapy. It might take a few tries but having someone to support you would be a start.
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Old 04-17-2021, 10:33 PM   #3
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

A lot of what you wrote resonates with me. Especially the feeling of wanting to go and to stay at the same time. I'm feeling that very accutely right now. And the feeling of suffering and hiding.

I don't know that I have any advice, as I'm still looking for it, but know that at least one other person understands.

I wish you well.
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Old 04-22-2021, 01:22 PM   #4
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Try living first, you can always end things. Make an effort, go to therapy, see your family, go out and ride your bike down a hill, take the bus up if you can. Try.
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Old 04-22-2021, 04:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

So Sorry that things are being so hard for you. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about trying some therapy. Yes it can take a while before finding the right match and before things start to work out. i do think it is worth it though especially if death is the other option you have in mind. Please remove death from the options you have. i think there is Hope. Just do try your best like you're perhaps already doing. So Sorry if my post isn't particularly Helpful but i Beg you, seek Help, Ok? Hugs. i am here if you want to talk and i think others as well if you just ask around. Sending many Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @mark27, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Old 04-22-2021, 04:56 PM   #6
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

I would consider therapy.......talking doesn't cure you, but talking can help. What a terrible thing to say to you....to wait for death....I am so sorry; no one should ever be told something like that. If you feel you can't talk, you could always write things down. I saw a movie once, where the woman was so traumatized, she couldn't speak, and she and her therapist communicated by writing. I don't think you want to die, but want the pain and misery to stop. There is no reason to suffer, and I hope you will see a therapist, you have nothing to lose. Sending love and hugs
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Old 04-22-2021, 06:12 PM   #7
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Respectfully, I want to say that death is never the answer for anything. You sound anxious and depressed. You are human and not alone. Please keep trying to help yourself. Honestly, that is the answer for everything...to try to help and improve.
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Old 04-22-2021, 07:09 PM   #8
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

I have been where you are, deeply depressed and feeling like life was pointless. Things got better. It might seem like they won't, but I find they always do. We are here to support you.
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Old 04-22-2021, 07:37 PM   #9
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

I donít think youíre beyond help. Iíve been to similar places in the past, mental health wise, including wanting to go but at the same time, stay. It can be difficult to see a way forward, but there is one, even if you need someone else to help you find it.
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Old 04-26-2021, 07:04 PM   #10
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Thanks everyone for responding. I thought my topic was deleted so i didnt check in.

You know.. I realized in past year that life is all about family, close friends, good time and enjoying in any way we can.
I want some facts to be straight. I didnt have friends since my mom left to united states in 2005. I wasnt socializing with anyone. As much as it didnt bother me at all, this was as normal for me as for someone to hang out every other day. For me it was normal not to hang out and not to have friends. I didnt understand how its like that people can meet up, talk, joke, support each other. It bothers me so much that after 27 years on this planet I realized that i dont have anyone. Nobody asks how am I. Nobody remembers me. I lost so many people along the way because I couldnt keep them near me. Im very limited mentally and as much as it didnt bother me before it does now.
After i got myself into unexpected relationship in mid 2017 till end of 2019 many many many things changed in my head. If it wasnt for this girl I would probably be still online, on forums posting nonsense, fake things trying to make myself feel good. My life for the most part was build on lies online and now i see how much time i wasted there for nothing. at the end of it its all gone, nobody cares what i posted there. Im here today, alone in my apartment living the same routine. Im scared a lot about my mental health, about financial situation and future work. Social life as well that doesnt exist at all.
Right now im a human shell that cries almost every day, few times a day. I wake up with tears and go to sleep with them.
Before i got into relationship i really thought money is the key to be happy. In my world it would mean buying things just to show off online, get some meaningless reputation points. I cant believe i was excited about this nonsense. Im trying to make sense whats possible for me... If i had a choice to go to sleep knowing i wont wake up I would do it without hesitation. I was recently writing will and good bye letters just in case. After i experienced love with the most amazing girl i ever came across in my life things never got the same for me. Being me ended it for us and i never got over that. Its like i wanted to be with her but i knew im not enough and it hurts to this day. she was amazing, loving and tried to make it work. me being in my comfort zone screwed ut up. i want you guys to picture someone who lived under the rock for most of his life and now this person is thrown to live the life. its me and i have no idea how to function. i have so much hate for who i become, so much hate for my family, especially my mother. every kid deserves a parents but not every parents deserve kids. its like we never were broke, had food on the table but my family wasnt ever there for me. for this reason i have no feelings to anyone at all. the only person i still love is my ex who also struggles in life now and it affects me too.
in the end i dont know what to do. it bothers me so much to realize how much of my life has gone without anything being accomplished. how many great people that could be my friends are gone forever. how many great memories are gone. every single day in next weeks will be the same. mentally im so stuck for change. its like i want to go out there make friends but i cant. i have nothing to say and it wont work without saying anything. it bothers me that i probably wont be ever able to create healthy family or relationship with any person. im so afraid its not possible for me.
i dont know how therapy can change anything for me.
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Old 04-27-2021, 03:20 AM   #11
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Death is no option for any of us. It's mandatory but we can choose to hasten it or we can let our lives run their course.

I am sorry that you are in a hard place to be. Our moods, for various reasons, can be so gray that nothing feels worth it. I have to challenge myself each day to take a walk outside, clean something in the house, go to a group or grocery shopping. Some days nothing happens and I mean nothing. Yet on the days when I just get my body outside the four walls of my existence the world seems a little bit better.

Try and set small achievable goals and see where it takes you in the life you are now living.
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Old 04-27-2021, 10:07 AM   #12
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

I am sorry that you are in this situation.

I don't know if my suggestion could help. I think aside of therapy, you have to try something new. Maybe join a community or set up some small goals. Change is hard (and scary), especially for the first time. But if you want to be out from your current situation, you have to take a leap.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Most people don't do incredible stuff or achivements, they also do the same old routine.

All best for you.
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Old 04-27-2021, 12:27 PM   #13
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

You know... i dont know how to live next 50 years when past 15 years of my life were wasted. I miss so much human interactions but at the same time im not able to keep anyone close to me. This thoguht hurts so much. This reality. Im trying tp gp outside, walk, try to enjoy anything but being alone just makes it so much worse. I see families, friends, couples and i cry that im not able to be in their spot. Its a lot happening on my mind, lots of pain, regrets. I for some reason dont believe that the way my brain functions will ever change for better. All i want is to be able to talk to people, being someone who can give advice, joke, have story to tell. Spend good quality time. Im so scared to go to therapy and realize it wont help me. There is hope at the back of my mind that this may help me but at the same time i know that once i go there and it wont help me, there wont be anything else that change things for better. On the side note i was attending therapy back in 2016 after i met one girl who i was friends with. Long story short frendship didnt work due to my.issues. i had first depression ever in my life and i wasnt able to handle that. I went to psychologist maybe 8 times and talking didnt do anything to me. She would tell me to bring bad memories back abd let it go while holding some vibrating device in my hand. It was just a waste of time. Aftera while my depression was going back on its own, not due to meetings and i stopped coming. Thatd why i dont really believe in it knowing myself pretty well at this point.
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Old 04-27-2021, 07:33 PM   #14
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

I have regrets about my past too. I think we all do. But it's more helpful to me to concentrate on what I can do to make my present situation better.

I admit, I tried therapy for years, and it didn't really help. What did was going to support groups with other people who have similar struggles. I used to go in person, but a lot of them have moved online. I can share some links with you if you're interested.
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Old 04-27-2021, 08:34 PM   #15
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Yeah im down for anything online.
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Old 04-28-2021, 12:06 PM   #16
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Also i feel this need to go back to drinking to numb myself. I didnt have anything for over 4 months now due to what thc did to my brain but now i feel like im capable of drinking again
Just scared not to make things worse.. i just want to feel free.. not trapped or depressed. My ex doesnt respond for 4 days now and i know she has her issues but she is the only person in this entire world that i care for and not hearing back breaks me inside. I have nobody i could hug to.. its brutal.
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Old 04-28-2021, 03:34 PM   #17
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Drinking can only make things worse. I'm sure you know that. I strongly urge you to try therapy again...and not with someone who tells you to hold some device in your hand. No, with someone who will listen to you, empathize, and help you to be on a healthier path in life, so you feel more successful.
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Old 05-02-2021, 10:07 AM   #18
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Trig Re: Is death the only option?

I used to think it was. I have TRD or treatment resistant depression. For decades I searched for answers. Here's what works for me.

I have a L.M.H.C. or licensed mental health counselor. A psychologist is great for some issues, like marriage counseling, but not for treating mental illness, imo.
A good psychiatrist is necessary. My latest one that I've been seeing for about 10 years now explained to me early on that finding the right combination of meds and therapy was going to be trial and error.
I now take Viibryd (major depressive disorder), Wellbutrin (dopamine re-uptake prohibitor), Buspar (anxiety), lithium (mood stabilizer), and once every four weeks I go to a clinic for a ketamine infusion (TRD).

The "vibrating devices" you describe are for a trauma treatment called EMDR or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I did it for years and it really helped my PTSD. Just make sure to verify the therapist using it is certified. Some are not, but it's easy to check on the internet.

I don't know how old you are, or where you are in your healing process but I know that before I began treatment with ketamine, I was hopelessly suicidal and walking around with a death wish just waiting to die so the pain would stop.

I'm better now than I've been in YEARS.

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Old 05-02-2021, 04:18 PM   #19
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Some groups are on Support Groups Central | Live Online Peer Support Groups for Life's Challenges and Hey Peers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect. You just need an email to register, and then you can attend groups.
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Old 05-04-2021, 11:35 AM   #20
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Default Re: Is death the only option?

Hey Mark.
It sounds like forgiving yourself is an important step in your healing process.
I was chalk full of regrets, anywhere I went and anything I did fell under their shadow. It destroyed the joy of living, even the hope of joy.
Psychotherapy helped me get to a place where I was able to lift blame where it was misplaced and forgive the younger me for making mistakes.
I didnít tackle it until I was in my late 30s, you have an opportunity to start the process towards finding ways to like yourself.
I didnít have my own back when I was young, I didnít care for myself, and that turned out to be one of only a few real regrets, itís also why I felt so vulnerable and isolated.
Sometimes we have to protect ourselves from ourselves, no one else can do that for us.
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