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Old 07-21-2021, 06:22 PM   #1
Jelzig65
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Default Please, I have poured my painful struggle and hope so much for support

Hi, First real in-depth backstory. I hope you will stay with me here.
My family history is one of toxicity and emotional neglect from both parents. My self esteem today is very low. I fear rejection and abandonment. I have specific phobia that I can't quite pin point, but there is a pattern and layered with depression when I'm sinking and not coping.

Last night 15 hours ago, I did shadow work on insight timer, lead by Catherine Leggit. I had confusion trying to link my current trigger with a painful memory that I think is linked with this specific phobia.

My father when I was about 12, told me with smug pleasure that I would amount to nothing, and that no man would approve of me. I had so many serious moments and situations of emotional neglect.

This did something to me as I absolutely have specific fear of successful males. I feel like they zoom in on me under a microscope and find flaws and mistakes and because I am possibly visibly anxious, their own self reaction confirms my belief, I am amounting to nothing and I am not good enough.

I become fixated and slightly obsessed with trying to prove otherwise, but only within myself. I have never divulged to them. But I never get anywhere mentally, just a confused anxious, depressed person.

Currently this is forced to sit in my mind. I have a 24 yr old daughter who is physically very beautiful and on the autism spectrum. In public , neurotypical people would think she arrogant. She really shuts down in public and just gets the bare necessities done. If she can do it without talking she will.

She has no clue of non verbal gesture or language. She can't read non verbal intention either. I am still in the grief and loss stage for my daughter, no first boyfriend, no prom, no first kiss, no friendships, no job.

I feel this would increase as she got older when people her age do have a mortgage, house, car, spouse, kids and jobs, it would be so blatantly obvious and more grief for myself. I think she is somewhat happy in herself. I encourage her to do the weekly shop at the supermarket with me, there is one staff person who openly and obviously panics when he sees her.

The look on his face is one of dread and fear. I know some years back when we checked out our food items with him for the first time, he made a moan sound, it was a surprise sound, he had not seen her til that moment and from that time on to now, he will find ways to not be in her proximity.

I am a super sensitive empath and to me his emotions are all on the outside of him and times he has to check out our groceries his eyes are screaming fear. He makes me really anxious and I used to be able to cope better than recently. It feels offensive, when he reacts that way, and like the people in our extended family and associates of family, look straight through her, like she is not even in front of them.

They dont even greet her. They dismiss her, which is sad, because she is responsive, people just need to want to get in her world a little closer. I may have had a idea that a friendship could have formed between my daughter and the supermarket guy. It is affecting my life to a degree where sleep has been a struggle and eating. I am slightly obsessed with it all. It affects me mostly not my daughter. She is totally unaware. Thankyou for reading and I hope to get some insight and advice., would be very valuable for me. I am very concerned about why this is so much in my mind.
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Old 07-21-2021, 08:46 PM   #2
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What your father said to you sounds like emotional abuse.


You are worthy of love from a good man, and your daughter is worthy of love and connection too.


Have you ever heard of rumination? Maybe that's what you're going through internally. It also sounds like you have unresolved issues from situations and people who affected you greatly. Trauma, in other words.


Are you seeing a therapist?
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Old 07-21-2021, 09:36 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jelzig65 View Post
Hi, First real in-depth backstory. I hope you will stay with me here.
My family history is one of toxicity and emotional neglect from both parents. My self esteem today is very low. I fear rejection and abandonment. I have specific phobia that I can't quite pin point, but there is a pattern and layered with depression when I'm sinking and not coping.

Last night 15 hours ago, I did shadow work on insight timer, lead by Catherine Leggit. I had confusion trying to link my current trigger with a painful memory that I think is linked with this specific phobia.

My father when I was about 12, told me with smug pleasure that I would amount to nothing, and that no man would approve of me. I had so many serious moments and situations of emotional neglect.

This did something to me as I absolutely have specific fear of successful males. I feel like they zoom in on me under a microscope and find flaws and mistakes and because I am possibly visibly anxious, their own self reaction confirms my belief, I am amounting to nothing and I am not good enough.

I become fixated and slightly obsessed with trying to prove otherwise, but only within myself. I have never divulged to them. But I never get anywhere mentally, just a confused anxious, depressed person.

Currently this is forced to sit in my mind. I have a 24 yr old daughter who is physically very beautiful and on the autism spectrum. In public , neurotypical people would think she arrogant. She really shuts down in public and just gets the bare necessities done. If she can do it without talking she will.

She has no clue of non verbal gesture or language. She can't read non verbal intention either. I am still in the grief and loss stage for my daughter, no first boyfriend, no prom, no first kiss, no friendships, no job.

I feel this would increase as she got older when people her age do have a mortgage, house, car, spouse, kids and jobs, it would be so blatantly obvious and more grief for myself. I think she is somewhat happy in herself. I encourage her to do the weekly shop at the supermarket with me, there is one staff person who openly and obviously panics when he sees her.

The look on his face is one of dread and fear. I know some years back when we checked out our food items with him for the first time, he made a moan sound, it was a surprise sound, he had not seen her til that moment and from that time on to now, he will find ways to not be in her proximity.

I am a super sensitive empath and to me his emotions are all on the outside of him and times he has to check out our groceries his eyes are screaming fear. He makes me really anxious and I used to be able to cope better than recently. It feels offensive, when he reacts that way, and like the people in our extended family and associates of family, look straight through her, like she is not even in front of them.

They dont even greet her. They dismiss her, which is sad, because she is responsive, people just need to want to get in her world a little closer. I may have had a idea that a friendship could have formed between my daughter and the supermarket guy. It is affecting my life to a degree where sleep has been a struggle and eating. I am slightly obsessed with it all. It affects me mostly not my daughter. She is totally unaware. Thankyou for reading and I hope to get some insight and advice., would be very valuable for me. I am very concerned about why this is so much in my mind.

I certainly donít want to put down a therapeutic relationship or experience but I do know that shadow work can be considered controversial simply because itís been based on jungian theory. I donít know much about the person whose courses you took. I also know that it can be dangerous for some people to try and reframe a trauma or look for the trigger without the help of an actual therapist. Just a thought. My other thoughts are what kind of therapies and help did/does your daughter receive ?

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Old 07-22-2021, 12:50 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post


What your father said to you sounds like emotional abuse.


You are worthy of love from a good man, and your daughter is worthy of love and connection too.


Have you ever heard of rumination? Maybe that's what you're going through internally. It also sounds like you have unresolved issues from situations and people who affected you greatly. Trauma, in other words.


Are you seeing a therapist?
I am seeing a psychologist, she is in her late 70's. I dont think she is updating her knowledge and or new treatments/therapies. She says I should do a, b and c. Its just a matter of doing this and that and everything should fall into place. I think its toxic positivity. You can't heal without first feeling the anguish.
I also see a counsellor related to being a carer and he is really good at helping me see that perhaps the supermarket guy is triggering. He really wants to get away from my daughter and it just reminds me of all the people that ignore her and all the things she won't get to do or be. He is either insecure himself and really likes her or he can't figure her out. Thankyou for your support, it is a life saver for me. I have never been this low right now. I am in a very deep hole.
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Old 07-22-2021, 01:00 AM   #5
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I certainly donít want to put down a therapeutic relationship or experience but I do know that shadow work can be considered controversial simply because itís been based on jungian theory. I donít know much about the person whose courses you took. I also know that it can be dangerous for some people to try and reframe a trauma or look for the trigger without the help of an actual therapist. Just a thought. My other thoughts are what kind of therapies and help did/does your daughter receive ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
thankyou for taking the time to talk to me. I've an app called insight timer. Catherine Leggit is the teacher/therapist. The way I feel today is the worst I have felt in a very long time. Its like the trauma is fresh and 1000 times felt. I went for one of the worst memories, there are a few. I should have gone lightly she did suggest, but I said to myself, you've been to hell and back, you can do this. I might look for a trauma therapist instead of a psychologist that hasn't updated her knowledge in what seems a very long time. She feels like toxic positivity, do a, b and c and I will be ok.

I am my daughters advocate and run her around to therapies, cooking, drive lessons, speech therapy and social connections group.

Can you tell me if I should be concerned with jungian therapy. I have no idea.

I appreciate your insights. Thankyou
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Old 07-22-2021, 02:29 AM   #6
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Default Re: Please, I have poured my painful struggle and hope so much for support

Jungís ideas are mostly (?) out of date, now, which isnít surprising since he was around so long ago. The problem is, weíve moved on in leaps and bounds since his time, and weíre still learning about human psychology and coming up with better ways of helping people with psychotherapy and counselling. I would strongly suggest you find someone who does update their knowledge, because it doesnít sound like your therapist has much insight into your specific issues.
Also, there is an autism spectrum sub forum here you might find useful, in a tangential sort of way? You sound like a caring parent, which absolutely can make a big difference to autistic people.
What your father said to you was disgusting, and (in my opinion) smacks of his own insecurity, among other things. Comments like that are designed to keep someone in a certain ďplaceĒ, possibly so the other person doesnít have to confront their own shortcomings or lack of success.
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Old 07-22-2021, 02:37 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jelzig65 View Post
thankyou for taking the time to talk to me. I've an app called insight timer. Catherine Leggit is the teacher/therapist. The way I feel today is the worst I have felt in a very long time. Its like the trauma is fresh and 1000 times felt. I went for one of the worst memories, there are a few. I should have gone lightly she did suggest, but I said to myself, you've been to hell and back, you can do this. I might look for a trauma therapist instead of a psychologist that hasn't updated her knowledge in what seems a very long time. She feels like toxic positivity, do a, b and c and I will be ok.

I am my daughters advocate and run her around to therapies, cooking, drive lessons, speech therapy and social connections group.

Can you tell me if I should be concerned with jungian therapy. I have no idea.

I appreciate your insights. Thankyou

I donít want to imply that there is something directly wrong with that sort of theory Iím just saying in certain cases with sensitive people it is good to undertake that sort of thing under the guide of the therapist. Iím not saying courses or that woman is wrong or bad itís just the subject matter and trauma emotions are so strong that some patients frankly suffer without extra help. The reason I asked about what therapies your daughter receives is because over the course of many years since my sister was first diagnosed 30 years ago with Aspergerís(now ASD) there was a prominent group or company that really started the awareness of autism and the service is needed for autistic persons. I do not know if it is limited only to New Jersey but my understanding is they are much bigger now. My sister started out a lot like her daughter and it took many years but she is now 32 years old and living a fairly normal and independent life. I donít want to promote or plug the name of this place but if you were interested in looking them up send me a private message. Iím not saying I can pull any strings Iím not involved anymore itís just that my experience has been very very good with them and they do a lot of nonprofit and fundraising scholarship work.

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Old 07-22-2021, 06:21 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post


I donít want to imply that there is something directly wrong with that sort of theory Iím just saying in certain cases with sensitive people it is good to undertake that sort of thing under the guide of the therapist. Iím not saying courses or that woman is wrong or bad itís just the subject matter and trauma emotions are so strong that some patients frankly suffer without extra help. The reason I asked about what therapies your daughter receives is because over the course of many years since my sister was first diagnosed 30 years ago with Aspergerís(now ASD) there was a prominent group or company that really started the awareness of autism and the service is needed for autistic persons. I do not know if it is limited only to New Jersey but my understanding is they are much bigger now. My sister started out a lot like her daughter and it took many years but she is now 32 years old and living a fairly normal and independent life. I donít want to promote or plug the name of this place but if you were interested in looking them up send me a private message. Iím not saying I can pull any strings Iím not involved anymore itís just that my experience has been very very good with them and they do a lot of nonprofit and fundraising scholarship work.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I get what you are saying. I'm ok and I will be more gently with myself. I live in Australia. I doubt the treatments and new interventions to assist people with ASD would be available in Australia, but you never know. They could have them all over the globe. I dream of the day my daughter can live independant, but each person with ASD are different from each other. As long as I have breath I will keep supporting and assisting her to independence . Thankyou, have a beautiful day.
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Old 07-22-2021, 06:28 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
Jungís ideas are mostly (?) out of date, now, which isnít surprising since he was around so long ago. The problem is, weíve moved on in leaps and bounds since his time, and weíre still learning about human psychology and coming up with better ways of helping people with psychotherapy and counselling. I would strongly suggest you find someone who does update their knowledge, because it doesnít sound like your therapist has much insight into your specific issues.
Also, there is an autism spectrum sub forum here you might find useful, in a tangential sort of way? You sound like a caring parent, which absolutely can make a big difference to autistic people.
What your father said to you was disgusting, and (in my opinion) smacks of his own insecurity, among other things. Comments like that are designed to keep someone in a certain ďplaceĒ, possibly so the other person doesnít have to confront their own shortcomings or lack of success.
Both parents have deceased and I have not given them saint status because they are not living. They were toxic and emotionally neglectful. Alcoholism and naricissism. Do you have any links to the latest and promising trauma healing. No therapist is doing face to face. Our FaceTime is terrible and delayed. I would rather attempt my own inner wounds healing online, somehow with better streaming than FaceTime / zoom.
Thankyou, have a beautiful day
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Old 07-22-2021, 11:01 AM   #10
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So Sorry for your Losses! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that you all deserve to be Loved and to contact a therapist whom is practicing some modern methods. Love. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Please do update us if you want if that is possible. From what you wrote you seem like a wonderful parent. Stay Safe. Be Strong. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Jelzig65, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Old 07-28-2021, 09:48 AM   #11
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Default Re: Please, I have poured my painful struggle and hope so much for support

I definitely have a fear of rejection and abandonment too. Avoidant Personality Disorder, etc.
Sorry about what your dad said. My mother had said some pretty cruel things to me too. God rest her soul.
You'll get through this one way or another.
We all will.
I've found someone who I'm almost 100% positive could never reject me, nor I her.
We've been communicating for over two and a half years now.
Buying a train ticket this Friday from Louisiana to Pennsylvania to go meet her for the first time.
I can be very good with online communication.
Taking meds now I hope will help.
But I fear I will be very withdrawn, quiet and nervous around her.
That's ruined many relationships for me in the past.

Social anxiety that doesn't diminish with familiarity is one of my main problems.

Wish me luck.
I wish the best for you.
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Old 07-29-2021, 06:03 AM   #12
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I definitely have a fear of rejection and abandonment too. Avoidant Personality Disorder, etc.
Sorry about what your dad said. My mother had said some pretty cruel things to me too. God rest her soul.
You'll get through this one way or another.
We all will.
I've found someone who I'm almost 100% positive could never reject me, nor I her.
We've been communicating for over two and a half years now.
Buying a train ticket this Friday from Louisiana to Pennsylvania to go meet her for the first time.
I can be very good with online communication.
Taking meds now I hope will help.
But I fear I will be very withdrawn, quiet and nervous around her.
That's ruined many relationships for me in the past.

Social anxiety that doesn't diminish with familiarity is one of my main problems.

Wish me luck.
I wish the best for you.
Thankyou for sharing some of yourself here, I appreciate it. I think its normal to be nervous with a first meet. It might feel a bit easier as you have the familiarity of talking online, you will have things to fall back on that you have talked about together. I want so much for my daughter to have that someone in life. Her social anxiety and with having Aspergers leaves her very withdrawn. I know you will be fine and if you are like me and many others, you might go over things in your mind. It will be fine and I wish you luck and all the best.
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