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Trig Jul 24, 2021 at 04:02 PM
  #1
This will be triggering for some, I apologize in advance.

I've really struggled the last few months. Over the last couple of weeks it's gotten even worse. I have 2 dogs that are keeping me alive and going, but a couple of days ago I contacted a friend to see if they would take them for a few days to get them out of harms way. They can't go into a kennel because their shots are overdue. I was ready to be done with life but I did not want to take them with me.

When the friend said they would take them, I then paused and began to think a little more clearly about what all this means. I've gotten to the point where the 2 most important things in my life are no longer able to keep me going. I'm honestly not sure why I am still here. I didn't tell my friend the real reason and I've since decided not to pursue that just yet.

And that's led me to the question, why am I so much more ready to quit than fight? Why am I OK hurting the people around me and the 2 most important things in my world, just to be free of my pain?

I rationalize it a bit, but I don't have a good answer. I get that this is about ending the suffering, but all I know is that it seems I'd rather hurt my people and my dogs, than to fight even a little to keep going. How did I get to this point? I am not actively thinking about this today, so not in critical danger.

I know I should go see a doctor and a therapist, but I just can't seem to find the strength to do that. I am clear headed enough to know that I should, but not enough to actually go. I can be responsible enough to take care of my dogs, but not enough to take care of me.

I know this place doesn't get a lot of traffic for the threads like this. But does anyone have any thoughts? Please, I do need some help here.
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 05:47 PM
  #2
Hi, AgentQ9A, I can relate to your post in a pretty strong way. I have cats that I stay around for. I have a wonderful son, too, although he's a grown man now.

You're not okay with hurting the people around you and you're not okay with hurting your dogs. If you were okay with it, you would have acted on your thoughts.

Your thoughts bring me to - yes - medication and therapy. You sound very bright and aware of yourself. That is such wisdom! But your depression is telling you a bunch of lies. Your depression has a loud voice right now. You are responsible to your dogs, that's obvious - but being totally there for them means giving yourself a life by getting on an antidepressant. Seriously. When you do that your depression will stop harassing you and your life will feel much stronger than it feels now.

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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 07:05 PM
  #3
Thank you @BethRags. I appreciate your response.

I know I don't want to hurt them or myself. It just seems like every time all of this gets a little worse. This is not the first time these thoughts and feelings have come up. I'm just getting really tired. This year has been hard because I'm 54 and my dad died at 54. It feels like my clock should just stop.

Thanks again. This isn't a breezy topic but I'm happy you responded. It did help.
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 09:24 PM
  #4
Have you ever got professional help? It sounds like you really need it. And if you're not safe, please go to the ER. I did that once and was able to see a psychiatrist and get on an anti-depressant that helped me a ton the next day. It's the fastest way to get help.
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Default Jul 24, 2021 at 09:59 PM
  #5
Thank you @downandlonely. I appreciate your thoughts.

I have seen a half dozen therapists in the last 10 years and been on and off as many antidepressants. They helped temporarily but I never got better long term. Most seem interested in prolonging sessions as long as possible. Exercise always works better than meds but I'm exhausted and can't seem to stick with it. I know I should go anyway I'm just afraid of never getting better. Like my life is over and I'm the only one who doesn't know.

Thanks again.
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 04:15 PM
  #6
I wanted to say thanks again to BethRags and downandlonely. You both really helped a lot! Over the last 24 hours or so, I have not had any thoughts of ending things. The thoughts that I have had are along the lines of "I can do this." It will continue to be a struggle but I feel much more up to it now.

Thank you both very much, again!
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 05:06 PM
  #7
So Sorry for your Losses! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about considering therapy if possible. i think it can be hard to keep going with depression especially if it's long-term so i don't think there's a surprise there but i also think it may require some work. Love. i'd suggest to try to work on yourself if that is possible. i am really happy that the other wise and wonderful posters were able to Help. Please do update us if you want to if possible. Stay Safe. Do what you can to improve if possible. Be Strong. i think you can handle. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @AgentQ9A, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Last edited by MickeyCheeky; Jul 25, 2021 at 05:08 PM.. Reason: no edits; originally posted and deleted at 00:05 i think
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 05:22 PM
  #8
So glad you're feeling better!

I'll share something that helps me when I'm depressed. I remind myself that I've been there before and the bad times will pass. It was hard when I was young and didn't know those feelings were temporary. But now that I know that, I am able to weather the storm much better.
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 05:31 PM
  #9
Grazie, @MickeyCheeky. Ciao. I appreciate your response.

Today things are better overall. Not great, but better. And I'll take better over the way things have been. I don't know about therapy, but I have an psych NP that I've seen a couple of times to get antidepressants. I may give her a call this week.

Thanks again.

Last edited by Anonymous40506; Jul 25, 2021 at 05:46 PM..
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 05:35 PM
  #10
Hey again, downandlonely!

I have that speech memorized but I forget it when things are bad. I watch Douglas Bloch videos on YT and he always reminds viewers, "this too shall pass." A good and simple phrase to keep handy for sure. I'm at the bottom of the happiness U curve, so it can only be up from here. I'm guessing getting older has the advantage of experiencing ups and downs and knowing you can survive. I'll live to fight another day. And another...

Thanks again!
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Default Jul 25, 2021 at 05:36 PM
  #11
I don't do individual therapy anymore, but I find peer support groups helpful. There are a number of virtual ones out there. Let me know if you would like links.
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 12:11 PM
  #12
Edit: I'm once again posting too much. Sorry.

Last edited by Anonymous40506; Jul 26, 2021 at 01:27 PM..
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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 04:54 PM
  #13
No need to apologize. Post as often as you need to. It's better than keeping things inside.

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Default Jul 26, 2021 at 05:45 PM
  #14
Thanks @TerryL. I've had a couple days of slightly better mood, but it's all swinging back today and I'm thinking about ending it again. Not right now, but soon. I'm very afraid.

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Default Jul 27, 2021 at 08:30 AM
  #15
OK, I guess I'll just write for myself. I spent most of yesterday doing things to poop myself out, so that I could sleep better. Lots of exercise, which made me feel pretty good most of the day. But by evening when I was winding down, my anxiety came on strong like it does. Like literally EVERY evening. And I ended up not sleeping well, if at all. I stayed up until midnight trying to let my body fall asleep on it's own rather than rely on melatonin. I don't know that taking more melatonin would have helped, my mind was just running full bore and would not stop. Just when I felt like I had calmed down enough, a very dark negative thought would pop up and my heart would race and I could not sleep. I'd also treated myself to a decaf coffee in the early afternoon. I don't know if there was enough caffeine to make a difference in my sleep, but I don't generally drink caffeinated beverages, so it could have.

As noted in my previous post, I was back to feeling suicidal yesterday afternoon and evening. Having no one to talk to didn't help. I have the suicide hotline programmed into my phone, so it's a push of a button, but I don't really want to go that route because I don't want the police at my door for just feeling suicidal.

Yesterday afternoon just as my anxiety was starting to take off I snuggled with one of my dogs for 30 minutes or so. She just seems to know when I need it and I love her for it. I'm going to hate leaving her behind, but I know she'll be OK. Hopefully with my brother. He said he'd take them, but I have no faith that he'll keep them or even keep them together. But I could be hit by a bus or a plane could drop on top of my place and my life could end at any moment, so any plans are subject to change anyway. I have to become comfortable with uncertainty and just make the best of each day I do get.

I learned a few things yesterday, that I hope will help me further today. Journaling should focus on the positives and as much as I don't want to do it too close to bed, I haven't been doing it past about 4pm, so I think doing it around 7pm will help get some of the last of the worries out of my head before bedtime. Exercise helps me feel good in the moment, but doesn't seem to have longer lasting effects. That may come with time though. I know it gets mentioned a LOT, but my crazy mind can override the benefits in a moment, so I need to focus my energies on my mind first. I've also been very lax on deep breathing, muscle relaxation and mindfulness, so I need to refocus on those.

Sorry to ramble on. This is about all I have left for support.
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Default Jul 28, 2021 at 02:25 AM
  #16
i don't think journaling is just for positive things. writing about your pain would be even more helpful, anything to get it out of your mind. life can be hard. you said you saw a few therapists but none seem to have really helped. sometimes, it takes a while to find the right one, and sometimes you can find happiness from a different route. what about talking out loud to yourself? that way you don't have to wait for a therapy session to vent. or even try punch a pillow or scream into it for whatever happened to you.

i struggled for years with depression and never thought i would ever feel better, but i finally do. i looked into my past and sorted things out myself. you must want to live if you have the suicide hotline on speed dial. i hope you will keep giving life a chance.

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Default Jul 28, 2021 at 08:35 AM
  #17
Thanks again @TerryL. I appreciate your thoughts.

I had finally had enough yesterday and called the doctor. I go in next week. I chose to fight for myself one more time. Almost as soon as I hung up, my anxiety had dropped a LOT. I'm still worried about seeing the doctor but I was going to be worried anyway, at least I'm doing something about it. Hopefully I can try meds again both for anxiety/depression and for sleep.

I will try to add more positives to my journaling. It's generally all about my feelings and thoughts, but I know some good things happen in my day and I want to acknowledge them as well. I probably have enough writing the last 2-3 weeks to be a book. I can be wordy.

Thanks again!
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Default Aug 04, 2021 at 04:18 PM
  #18
I agree with the others except I think you should see a psychiatrist first. See if you have any psychiatric issues first and then begin a tratment regiment. In such cases the therapist becomes the adjunct to the doctor.
My depression isn't helped by any pills. I take ketamine infusions to control it.

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Default Aug 04, 2021 at 04:43 PM
  #19
Thanks Werewoman! I see the doctor tomorrow and I'll see how it goes. If I can get started on some meds, great. If not I will go see someone else. Need to address this anxiety and the bad sleep that goes with it.

Thanks again, I appreciate your suggestion.
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Default Aug 05, 2021 at 05:57 PM
  #20
I saw in your other thread that you have started on an anti-depressant. Really hope it helps.
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