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Default Aug 09, 2021 at 12:03 PM
  #1
I saw a doctor 4 days ago and after some hoops to get my prescriptions filled, I've been taking Prozac and Hydroxyzine. He gave me some other pain stuff for my back (the reason I went in) but it all but stopped hurting, or at least stopped catching my attention. Weird how I spent months worrying about it and as soon as I see the doctor and he said it's just going to take time at my age, the pain diminished.

I'm sure it's probably the flux created by the meds, but I still feel pretty anxious about my health and almost feel like I'm just waiting for the universe to get it's final revenge on me. Part of me feels like I wish the universe would hurry up and take me, and part of me wants to at least live another month until my next birthday, just to spite the universe. I've spent the last decade worrying about dying at the same age as my father and now we're in the final month before I outlive him in years. I've already outlived him in days.

Anyway, again I think it's probably just the weird adaptation period of starting Prozac, but I almost felt better before starting. Also now, every other ache and pain is getting my attention as the next thing that will likely kill me, after dozens of others have failed to do so. I hate that my brain can switch threats the minute one seems to have been dealt with. When will this ever end? Will I have this anxiety for the rest of my life?

Edit: My sleep was better the first 2 nights after starting the meds, but last night was just like it was before. That might also be part of the problem today.

Last edited by Anonymous40506; Aug 09, 2021 at 03:23 PM..
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Default Aug 09, 2021 at 02:19 PM
  #2
So Sorry for your Losses and for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i think anxiety can be pretty hard to deal with so please don't feel too discouraged about that. It is good that you're taking mecs but perhaps helong with a therapist may be be able to help even more perhaps? If you aren't already seeing one obviously. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, hugs to BOTH you, @AgentQ9A, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Aug 09, 2021 at 06:44 PM
  #3
Sorry you're so anxious. I find that talking to other people helps to distract me from those thoughts and get me out of my own head. I also try to keep busy every day, so there's less time to ruminate.
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Default Aug 10, 2021 at 08:51 AM
  #4
Thanks downandlonely! I think it's mostly just starting AD and feeling weird about how my chemistry is changing. I am around here often during the day, but rarely interact any more, as I don't always have much to offer. But I do know you're correct that I need to distract myself and being around or talking to others does help.

Yesterday afternoon and evening went quite a bit better. Two things happened that might have played a role in that. First, I realized that I have been assuming the worst case scenario for so long, it's now just ingrained in my thinking, but I could just as easily decide to either view things with a best case scenario OR view things with a neutral view. Why do I need to view things negatively, if ultimately it's my choice? The negativity is not being forced on me, it's me choosing to be that way. Second, I took a Benadryl tablet and split it into thirds and took a third every 3-4 hours. I've always used Benadryl for sleep, but I guess it does have some anti-anxiety properties. Hydroxyzine that I was prescribed is in the same drug class and Benadryl, so I guess that makes sense.

So, not sure if it was trying to actively change my view or the meds, but late yesterday was better.
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Default Aug 10, 2021 at 08:29 PM
  #5
It does help a lot to look at things in a positive light. I try and do that as well.
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 08:57 AM
  #6
I've noticed over the last couple of days that my mood actually improves in the late afternoon and evening. Maybe it's the Prozac, that I take in the morning, just taking that long to even out. Evenings have always been the worst part of the day for me, because my mind was more free to do it's terrorizing. Not so much lately.

But another thing I've noticed, is that as I'm getting ready for bed my mind picks up it's attack by telling me I should feel bad for not worrying. Like, "hey, you're supposed to listen to me and worry about this stuff, why are you feeling good, that's not how things are supposed to be, stop being so cheerful and seriously contemplate your impending mortality." I've been able to not engage with that fairly well, but it is interesting that it pops up just before bed.

Things feel a little like they're moving in a better direction. I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up, because I know the universe has a few more things for me to deal with. Still, better than the last few weeks.

Edit: I also take my dogs in for their second shots today. Then in 10 days they can be kenneled. I had always used that as a life insurance policy, assuming that if I couldn't kennel them, that I'd have to keep living. I'm not necessarily any more or less suicidal at the moment, but it is a relief to know that they would have a safe place to be.

Last edited by Anonymous40506; Aug 11, 2021 at 09:11 AM..
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 01:57 PM
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This describes my current thinking pretty well. I didn't even recognize the specific date that I was the exact same age as my dad, but I've been aware of 54 being a milestone. This passage is me to a T.

Quote:
MH: I found other folks who had literally put their lives on hold. They didn’t find a partner, they didn’t have children, they didn’t settle into a job they liked because they really assumed that they would have a shortened life.
Happy Thanaversary: The Day of Passage | Psychology Today
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 04:10 PM
  #8
Do you still feel like your life is on hold?
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 04:33 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
Do you still feel like your life is on hold?

Oh, yeah. I guess dying at 54 had always been my plan A, that I never really thought about what might happen next if I made it past that. I don't know what I want out of life. I try to brainstorm but only come up with a very short bucket list, but nothing substantial. Second career? No idea. Relationship? No idea. I'm not even sure about getting other dogs when these 2 pass on. I just literally never thought that I'd get this far. I get that my options and world are wide open and I could do anything I wanted, I just don't want anything, because I've never contemplated it. The only thing I know concretely is that I don't want to live the same life anymore. That's not a terrible starting point but won't get me very far until I know what I do want. With a month to go where the universe can still catch me, I'm just marking time. I don't feel the sense of freedom that the article suggests might happen.

Edit: On the plus side, the pups are now fully vaccinated and can be kenneled in 10 days.

Last edited by Anonymous40506; Aug 11, 2021 at 04:56 PM..
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Default Aug 11, 2021 at 09:32 PM
  #10
Well you did mention wanting to move closer to your brother. Maybe you can start with that.
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Default Aug 19, 2021 at 01:23 PM
  #11
A quick update. When I saw the doctor they took blood for routine testing. I have been really worried about that since and even had the Do-Not-Disturb turned on my phone, so I didn't have to deal with them directly and could call back when I was prepared. Today, 2 weeks later, they left a VM saying everything was normal and that I could call if I have questions.

I've been so very worried about those for the entire 2 weeks. I have health anxiety and the paperwork I filled out gave me some pretty serious things to worry about that I hadn't even considered. Once he said that my back would just take some time to heal at my age, the pain almost disappeared, but then my anxiety shifted to worrying full time about these other things. I hate that my anxiety can shift tactics on me so quickly. But, so far, it's been wrong about health issues every time. I know that's not always going to be the case, but for today I am very relieved.

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Default Aug 19, 2021 at 03:56 PM
  #12
Glad your results were good!
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Default Aug 19, 2021 at 09:53 PM
  #13
I so relate to this thread. AgentQ9A, you are by no means alone.

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Default Aug 31, 2021 at 06:41 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
Glad your results were good!
Ditto!!!
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