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Old 09-12-2021, 10:05 AM   #1
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Trig Made it. Want to stop.

Well, I've made it to 55. I'm a year older than my father when he died. I have worried about living this long for a decade or more, but here I am. Take that universe!

Five weeks ago, I went to see the doctor because I had gotten into a pretty dark state, both mentally and somewhat physically. The physical issue has subsided as the doctor suggested it would with time. He also prescribed Prozac for the overwhelming anxiety I was feeling. I took 20mg for 2 weeks and then 40mg for the last 3.

The strange thing is, I'm even more ready now for it all to be over. Not necessarily more suicidal, just much less interested in the future. Any future. I'm just ready, even looking forward to it being over. And weirdly, I'm not even sad or disappointed. I'm not happy about it, as I don't "want" to die, I just don't have the energy or zest required to keep going.

I know the correct answer is to give the meds more time and maybe even adjust them. So, I will do that for a little while longer. As I said I'm not any more suicidal than I have been, just more resigned to the end.

Anyway, I made it and now I'm ready to stop.
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Old 09-12-2021, 11:35 AM   #2
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Well the sad thing is we don't truly decide the end. We can decide to enjoy the time we have. My mom is 72 she's ready to go but lives her life until she's called home. She's trying to live her best life. Healthy, fit, takes care of herself. She wants to be healthy until the end. My dad was like that too. He died at 64. He still wanted to live but it was his time to go. We all have our time.
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Old 09-12-2021, 01:28 PM   #3
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I'm sorry you feel that way @AgentQ9A

I think you're still pretty young. You could live over 20 years more.

Can you make a bucket list? Things you want to do before you kick the bucket? Then start working on them. I'm sure there's still a lot you haven't experienced.
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Old 09-12-2021, 06:12 PM   #4
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Thank you @downandlonely.

I just think I'm done trying to keep going. Even with the meds it's just continuing to get worse. And my dogs aren't enough now. I'll give it a little while longer but I think this is it.

Edit: And now having a bad panic attack.

Last edited by AgentQ9A; 09-12-2021 at 06:37 PM..
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Old 09-12-2021, 06:46 PM   #5
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Sorry you're having a panic attack. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
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Old 09-12-2021, 07:35 PM   #6
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I understand how you feel. I do. I still believe it's depression talking to you, though. 55 is still middle aged, even if Denney's says you're eligible for the Senior Menu
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Old 09-12-2021, 08:13 PM   #7
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Thanks @BethRags. An early bird dinner sounds good.

It might be. The anxiety subsided fairly well until this afternoon, but the depression seemed to come back strong. I'm just tired of the roller coaster.

I took the dogs out already for the final walk and am turning in early. Hopefully it's better tomorrow or I die in my sleep. I'm good either way.
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Old 09-12-2021, 08:17 PM   #8
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I don't think it has anything to do with age actually.

I felt the exact same way at 20. I was young, but so depressed that I felt my life was over and everything was pointless. That feeling can hit us at any age.
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Old 09-13-2021, 12:27 PM   #9
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

For me some of it was about age. I'd been depressed for a long time, but being the same age as my father when he died was frightening. Now having lived longer, the fear should have subsided a little but it hasn't. I don't know if that's because of the meds or something else. The meds this time around are acting differently than the last couple of times.

I went to bed last night at 7pm and didn't get out of bed this morning until 7am. I didn't sleep all of that, but a lot more than I have been sleeping. I walked the dogs and got them fed this morning and then went back to bed for a couple of hours. I'm feeling a little bit better now but I am feeling pretty tired. We had our second walk and I had a little lunch and now I'm trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day. Might just crawl back in bed.

Thanks for all the thoughts and input, it really does help a lot.
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Old 09-13-2021, 09:00 PM   #10
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

So Sorry you're feeling so bad! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that you're still relatively young. Life isn't over for you so i'd suggest to make the most out of it. M. Please be kind to yourself and do try to make yourself happy also. M. Of course be kind to others also. Remember that you are important. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Be Good. Love. Stay Safe and Be Good. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @AgentQ9A, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Last edited by MickeyCheeky; 09-13-2021 at 09:05 PM.. Reason: originally deleted and sent at 03:47 or 03:48, originally edited at 04:00 not 04:01 or 04:02 i believe
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Old 09-14-2021, 10:53 AM   #11
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

After this last couple of days of really terrible mood, I took a day off from the Prozac. I felt tremendously better yesterday afternoon and evening. I then took the meds last night before bed, as I find that it makes me sleepy and is better taken at bedtime. Today my mood is down a little from last night, but not as bad as the day before. I know that the meds take time to become stable, but I'm wondering if not taking anything would be better. I'll keep going for another week or two, but if things don't improve I will need to talk to the doctor about changing things or just simply stop taking meds altogether. I've been on Prozac a couple of times before and it's been more difficult this time. I've read that if you've taken it before it takes longer each time to get back to stable, so maybe that's all this is.

He also has me on Hydroxyzine that I'm taking for sleep. That's new, so maybe that's the problem as well. I would normally do a little experimentation, but he prescribed capsules instead of tablets, so I can't really divide the doses. And the pharmacy won't just make the switch without talking to him, so I'll see how things go. He also suggested some supplements, so maybe all of them together are causing the issue. My guts are certainly churning more now which isn't pleasant.

Anyway.
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Old 09-14-2021, 11:04 AM   #12
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I hope you can get the meds sorted out soon.
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Old 09-15-2021, 01:05 PM   #13
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I decided to do a little experiment based on my recent experience. So, I'm going to take my 40mg of Prozac every other day rather than every day. I didn't take any last night and I feel a bit better today. I'll keep at that for a bit.

An interesting thought went through my head during our mid morning walk. Should I take the better feelings as a blessing and enjoy the day, or should I just assume they will go away and to not get too attached? Then the thought, should I just continue to assume I'm going to die at any moment, so that I will focus on living the day as best as I can, or will that just cause me to continue to be depressed and NOT live a good day? Feeling kinda philosophical today. I have no answers but these are good questions.
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Old 09-15-2021, 05:01 PM   #14
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I try and take it one day at a time. Looking too far into the future causes me anxiety.
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Old 09-16-2021, 05:42 PM   #15
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

I'm having a really bad time at the moment. I just don't want to do this anymore. I was ready for my life to be over a week ago. Why is the universe screwing with me like this?
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Old 09-17-2021, 02:51 PM   #16
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Today has been a day off from the Prozac and I'm feeling way better than yesterday. This morning was up and down, but this afternoon has been pretty good. Per my own experimental schedule, I should be taking my next dose tonight, but I think I'm going to skip another day and see what happens.
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Old 09-18-2021, 06:03 PM   #17
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Today was a second day off from Prozac and I felt pretty good overall. Rather than tempt fate too much, I took my dose just now with dinner. I'll try 1 on, 2 off again and then maybe 1 on, 3 off after that. I did sense a slight uptick in anxiety this afternoon, so maybe it was wearing off. Anyway, I'm not sure yet if the meds are helping or not, as it seems to me I feel bad taking it daily and better taking it every few days. When I get more evidence I'll talk to the doctor. Might be time to get back to all of the self-care techniques I've kind of let slip after starting the meds.
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Old 09-18-2021, 08:35 PM   #18
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Getting back to self care sounds good. Maybe you need a lower dose of the Prozac? Might want to ask your doctor.
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Old 09-18-2021, 08:50 PM   #19
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

Thanks @downandlonely, I need to do something differently. It's been 2 hours since taking my dose and I'm already feeling pretty down. Had a long talk with the universe, asking it to let me die in my sleep. That drop in mood is too soon after taking the dose. On the plus side it's almost bedtime.
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Old 09-18-2021, 08:56 PM   #20
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Default Re: Made it. Want to stop.

It's possible it's not the right med for you if it's making you feel worse. Hope you can talk to your doctor soon.
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