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RoxanneToto
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 03:40 AM
  #1
I’m not sure, but over the past few months I’ve experienced some waves of (suppressed?) anger towards my parents, partly my mum but mostly my dad. I felt very ragey yesterday over things he used to do if we were having dinner at the table, including stealing food (he pretended to ask, but he’d already basically taken what he wanted when asking), dipping his already used fork in the sides and condiments when there were already spoons in the tubs for us to use. He claimed “I didn’t think…” but even after being told off for doing it, would do it again sometime later. I was often tempted to ask if he’d still eat something after watching someone spit on it.
Last time I was really angry it was more over his drinking, the cover ups of that and
Possible trigger:

I feel like he knew what he was doing, but tried to make excuses in such a way that we couldn’t always directly challenge him. Gaslighting, of a sort.
Generally my life has been a lot more peaceful since he passed, so I should be able to finally let go of the resentment and anger I had towards him, right? I’m not sure if it keeps coming up because I’m not ‘done’ or if I’m just bitter… maybe it’s both? do you think writing a letter to him then destroying it would help? T has suggested it but I kept putting it off. I’m a champion procrastinator
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 05:51 AM
  #2
I have always liked the idea of a letter of restorative justice....restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 05:51 AM
  #3
Roxanne,

Sorry you are dealing with these memories/feelings.
I'm no expert, can only speak from my own personal experiences.
I know I tend to push feelings down, especially hurtful feelings. I hide them within.
I also know that if something is bugging me and I write a letter, as you mentioned, it is an outlet for those feelings.
It is amazing what ends up on paper.
It helps me bring those feelings to light.
For me, that is good. I can better deal with them then.

BOM
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 06:20 AM
  #4
The behavior you described your father engaging in toward your family and you is behavior that affects us. It has an impact. I'm sorry your dad was like that, btw. It made me angry to read. I'm glad your life got better since he passed however your anger makes complete sense.

What is your goal? To not feel angry? To be at peace with this? To forgive? To just not be ruminating on it? To process it?

Writing a letter might help. Don't write it quickly though just to get rid of your anger bc that may not help. Honor your anger. Give this patience and the time it needs. Give it some space and time. A full week maybe, then reassess. Maybe take 30 min per day to process / write / etc, then go about your business even if thoughts still come up.

Writing has helped me let go of my anger, too. Sometimes letting go is a process. We feel better sometimes and go for stretches without thinking about it, then other times we're back in that place of rage and its on our minds more often.

I'm glad you brought this up.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 06:38 AM
  #5
I still have a lot of anger towards my dead father for similar bad behavior. I find that I just don't want to think about it. The thought of writing a letter bothers me because it would involve sitting and thinking about it. I would rather just forget or block it out, you know? It's interesting to read that people have had good experiences with letters. I wonder, does the anger go away? Does it help with not thinking about it? For me, it's like the thought flashes in my head. It's usually brief and they do seem to come in waves. I wonder if identifying what triggers them could help. Maybe it's a sign that there's something going on in our lives currently that we need to pay attention to?
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 07:59 AM
  #6
Wow. I feel like i would never have enough paper. And i have a lot of paper in this house. Maybe thats why i kinda hoard paper.

I have seen a progression in my dreams of my mother. IIRC, i started talking back to her in my dreams when she was still alive and i went no-contact. When i dreamed about her this week, i remember us going back and forth, me: "but i TOLD you the right thing to do, all you had to do was listen to me, why wouldnt you?" she still had no answer, she just kinda blew me off. But it feels like the conversation goes a little further each dream.
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 10:34 AM
  #7
Thank you very much for all your replies, it’s been very helpful reading through them. I think my aim is to ultimately let go; I think if I write a letter it will end up being a blow out of epic proportions, which wouldn’t be a bad thing in my case. I had been suppressing feelings until I got into counselling, which ironically was because, while I prefer being single, I have always struggled to relax etc in relationships and my last one was especially awful in that way. I never wanted to feel as bad as that again, if I happened to meet someone else. My T has helped with a lot of stuff, and now I realise a lot of that had to do with my upbringing and other things.
I didn’t think of it as being restorative justice, but that’s a great way to frame it!
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Default Oct 16, 2021 at 04:06 PM
  #8
I had a dad who would make nasty comments about my mannerisms or speech and just make fun of me in order to teach me a lesson. So it took me almost a year to get over some bad memories with my dad. You're not alone.
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