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Old 10-13-2021, 08:22 AM   #1
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Default Don't Know What to Do

Hi. I'm not sure where to start, but I could try explaining things first.

So I take short online assessments to see if I might have a mental issue I'm unaware of at first. Some might call me a hypochondriac for doing that, but whatever. In any case, I take these tests and I know I shouldn't go on results alone and should bring them up with a therapist. But, I haven't seen one in over a year, since I turned 26 last year and was cut from my step-father's insurance and put on Medicaid. I also moved in an apartment by myself in Feb of this year.

I mentioned before in a different subforum about DID and it's possible there are other conditions that I might have that I don't know about.

For context, I live in an apartment building where it's mostly old people. I do have a friend that lives there and she and other friends have been very supportive.

Lately, I feel like I'm getting worse in mental health. Because of my anxiety and dissociating while driving, I don't have a license or car, so usually I depend on my friend or mother to drive me when needed. There's food places, but no fun places within walking distance.

Ever since I've moved out with my cat, it's been very lonely and while I have one friend that lives in the same building, the rest are in different states and unable to see me unless they drive a lot or go on a plane. (Although petting and interacting with my cat helps me greatly) Recently, I've been telling them more about my dark thoughts and possible hallucinations, all of whom have been kind and understanding.

But my mother, on the other hand, doesn't believe that there could be more issues under the surface.

Aside from the DID, there might be BPD and schizophrenia. I don't want to confirm anything yet without seeing a therapist, hopefully I'll be able to find one soon who isn't busy and will take my insurance. Back to my mother, she used to work in mental health as well. However, she usually doesn't (or refuses) believe that I've had problems and could have more. I'm not a therapist, psychiatrist, professional whatever in any sense. But, she acts like I WANT these illnesses. I don't, I'm just concerned and wondering what's going on internally.

She didn't believe me about the depression, anxiety, even the autism. She doesn't think that I could be getting worse. It's only when I get a diagnosis does she believe me. I just want her to be more supportive and just think about the feelings I've expressed to her.

Speaking of feelings, here's what I've been experiencing. Loneliness, anger, empty and hollow, all sorts of stuff. I don't feel very competent in my abilities or mind. I feel stupid all the time when it takes me a moment to register what someone just said. I will see and hear things (the seeing doesnt happen a lot, usually it's a flicker of a shadow or seeing the walls or floor ripple) that aren't there. I never feel like a person anymore. My paranoia about things has skyrocketed and I'm always afraid that things will go wrong or I'll hurt myself and die full of regrets.

I hear gibberish now instead of coherent voices. And there's also this feeling of not being a narcissist (because I hate myself), but yet I might have a bit of a god complex? I dunno, that part always feels weird to think about. The lack of motivation always kicks my butt and I never enjoy things anymore. And the few times where I truly feel happy never last once I'm back home.

I feel extremely lost, confused, lonely, all sorts of feelings. I'm disgusted with myself and don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I have a name that fits me, but not the body.

Everything's been exploding all at once and I hate it. I don't feel in control of my life. Internally, it's all falling apart. And my mom will ALWAYS say "There's someone out there that has it worse than you". Like, I get that, but does she have to remind me of it? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Cause it doesn't, it makes me feel worse. I never feel good anymore. I just feel all over the place.

At least today, she'll help me find a good therapist. I just wished she was more open minded and thought about what I've said. I still love her, of course, I just get easily frustrated when she doesn't believe me and feel like she's invalidating my feelings.

I just wanted to vent about all of this and hope no one minds. All I really want at the moment is to be reassured that everything will be alright. Thank you for reading.
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Old 10-13-2021, 08:09 PM   #2
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Default Re: Don't Know What to Do

Hi and welcome @FrozenHeart21

I have also found that my family is not always that supportive of my mental health issues. That's why I like sites like this where I can find people who understand what I'm going through.

Curious about the DID: I think it's a pretty rare diagnosis and usually caused by intense childhood trauma. Is that something you experienced?
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Old 10-13-2021, 09:11 PM   #3
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Default Re: Don't Know What to Do

well I've improved over time which is rare but possible. I started out with one diagnosis it has lessened and changed to a different diagnosis cause I did too well after meds. you need a good psychiatrist and the right meds. you'll get better, stable. I'm so clear headed now it's great. I was given a compliment today at how put together I look. it's a great compliment for a mental health patient. I'm put together now people wouldn't even guess I have a diagnosis and I work with people who have diagnoses. it has expanded my brain. serving others.
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