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Unhappy Oct 17, 2021 at 08:52 AM
  #1
Do any of you have pandemic-related mental health issues?

Here's what my pandemic-related mental health issues include:

1. Frequently washing my hands. I also purchased individual-use washcloths to dry my hands. Once I dry my hand with the wash cloth, it goes in the hamper. I never use it twice. I learned this early on in the pandemic, and I've never stopped. I still wash my hands for about 20 seconds whenever I touch anything. Even though I know fomite transmissions is less likely, I live in an apartment complex with positive air pressure downwind in the hallways (as stated by the maintenance man why I feel air coming in whenever I open my front door). I worry about the 'Rona getting into my apartment. I also worry about the 'Rona sticking to my hands if I put lotion on them, so I don't really lotion them much. I have lotion, but I just haven't used them.

2. Using a reusable washcloth to open kitchen cupboards, to save on costs of antibacterial sprays and cleansers and wipes. In the early part of the pandemic, I wasn't able to purchase any antibacterial cleansers or bleach. They were all sold out, and no one delivered or shipped (unless price gouging was involved). So I went by the only available science at the time, which was knowing that it takes 3 to 5 days for the virus to weaken when on most surfaces, and to wash my hands after touching something. Well, I decided to spare my hands from the handwashing by using a reusable washcloth to open my kitchen cupboards, fridge, etc. I've kept that routine going ever since. I never touch anything with my bare hands, if I can help it. My kitchen is also closest to my front door, which is exposed to shared air space whenever I open it.

3. Never going out anywhere - not even for walks or to the grocery store. Avoiding my neighbors at all costs, especially the mean ones. I was yelled at earlier on in the pandemic by some harassing neighbor who demanded that I come out without a mask on to pick up my packages. I complained about her to the landlord when she threatened to throw my packages away if I didn't retrieve them. She also kept yelling at me on the other side of my door (I could see her through my peephole). Her dog also peed on my packages. She was definitely anti-mask, even though she's a caregiver. There was no vaccine at that time. I explained to the landlord (we've since had about 5 landlords) that I retrieve my packages in the middle of the night in order to avoid possible Covid-19 exposure, as well as to avoid harassing neighbors like her. She also might have disliked me because she knew I was part-Asian. I live in a red state, so I've experienced harassment in online zoom groups that I attempted to attend locally. I had to avoid those and many situations online and in person - ever since 2020. I've since started a new routine of being "agoraphobic." I only retrieve mail and packages in the middle of the night, after all the bar-goers are fast asleep or passed out from inebriation. I also dump trash in the trash compactor and dump recycling - both outside, since the trash chutes on our floors are locked during non-business hours. I always double-mask, double-glove, wear goggles, wear full clothing, and cover my head and hair whenever doing those tasks, in case I run into anyone on the elevator - which I did a few times, but not always. I always order online or for contactless door delivery. For the longest time, I avoided restaurant deliveries and fresh produce. I still do, but once in a while, I will have contactless produce and pizza deliveries (now that I'm vaccinated).

4. Experiencing Covid anxiety. I fear getting C19, spreading it, suffocating from it, experiencing medical trauma from it, experiencing a traumatic death, and experiencing medical malpractice. I also fear people purposely trying to cough in my face because I'm masked in public or because I'm part-Asian. This is why I don't go anywhere by myself. This is why I dump trash and retrieve mail in the middle of the night. This is why I have only seen my therapist online (twice a week) for the past 19 months.

5. Wearing two masks and two gloves (disposable under cloth) whenever opening my front door to my apartment, even if I'm just opening my front door for five minutes (due to shared air space in the hallway with neighbors) to retrieve perishables from a contactless delivery five minutes after the delivery person has left.

6. Securing items from contaminated air. Keeping many items in the kitchen and living room in bins or in the cupboards, with my bedroom and bathroom and closet doors shut, whenever I open my front door. (My front door opens to shared air space in the hallway.) Also storing my coffee maker in my bedroom, as my bedroom is safe from any shared air that comes in through my front door, since my bedroom doors are closed.

7. I have strict hygiene and door safety protocols. I not only clean my hands after I open the front door to my apartment for any reason, but I also shower and change afterward, just in case my clothing was contaminated from the shared air space in the hallway that enters my apartment whenever I open the front door; and if I've been outside such as to get my vaccine and return immediately home. There are too many antivaxxers and anti-maskers in my apartment complex and general area. I also live blocks from our state's capital building, where many protestors go. Many tenants where I live have either died or moved out already; I remember hearing the ambulance or neighbors cry loudly in the hallways during the beginning of the pandemic. So, I've kept myself safe by keeping strict hygiene protocols while also limiting the days for which I open my front door (about twice to upwards of four times per week - never more). Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome on top of all the other issues, and because I live alone, and because I'm limited to self-defense, and because I'm part-Asian, I play it super safe during this pandemic. When I return from dumping trash or getting mail or packages, I always lock the door, ensure that the door is locked, strip, wash my hands, quickly open and close the bathroom door to shower, and then quickly open and close the bathroom and bedroom doors after I shower. Because I know that the virus can stay in the air for about 3 hours, I used to wait 3 hours before I came out of my bedroom to enter the living room and kitchen area, where the front door allows shared air from the apartment's hallways in. After getting fully vaccinated, however, I wait only 1 hour instead of 3. Whenever I have maintenance men working on something in my living room or laundry area within my apartment, I shut myself in my bedroom and have signs telling them to wear masks at all times, to keep all the cupboards and doors shut, to not touch my air purifiers, and to lock the front door when they leave. I would wait for a definite 3 hours after they've left before I left my bedroom. I would shower afterward, just in case. I've kept my bedroom and bathroom, for the most part, virus-free and clean. They are the rooms that are mostly protected whenever I open my front door and allow shared air to come into my apartment.

8. I only check mail or dump trash two to four times per week. This reduces the exposure to share air space in the hallways whenever I open my front door, as well as in the elevators and package rooms or trash rooms whenever I am doing what I call "external chores" outside of my apartment.

9. I experience racial trauma. I am part-Asian. I have experienced direct and indirect racial traumas during this pandemic. This brings up past racial traumas for me, in addition the the present-day threats against persons like me. For this reason, I limit my time reading news, and I never go out by myself. I never walk anywhere. I never leave my apartment to do anything other than dump trash and check for mail or packages.

10. Whenever I've had to ask for a ride from one of two trusted people - the only people - I know in my area (who are both vaccinated and masked whenever they meet me), I only do so to ask them for a ride to get vaccinated.

11. I'm not yet able to make an in-person medical or mental health appointment yet, out of fear that the MST I had experienced in the military will happen again at the VA, or out of fear that I will be harmed because I'm Asian. I fear the VA. I fear the Vet Center. I fear many things because people may see Asians like me as sex objects to toy with, to harass, to harm, etc. I've had these horrible thoughts about that. I also fear being harmed by DAV drivers or Uber or Lyft. I fear being a target. I fear anyone with me being a target for being with me, an Asian. I fear that is the reason why my father, my uncle, and those other abusers harmed me - was because of my Asianness. I think about it every day whenever I read news about another Asian beaten, murdered, raped, molested, spat on, discriminated against, blamed for the pandemic, etc. My worst fears and nightmares have revisited me over and over again - but this time, it's not just past traumas revisiting me. It's real threats playing out over and over again.

12. Although I limit news reading, I am constantly interested in pandemic-related news (Covid-19 case counts and vaccine info) as well as anti-Asian hate news. I'm on high alert as to what harms may come to me.

13. When the vaccines came out, everyone was happy for a short while and going outside to socialize. I remained indoors, as I didn't trust the vaccines working fully. I was partially right.

14. When the vaccines came out and everyone was out having a good time, I felt like I was still unsafe because my Asianness meant constant threats for years to come. I felt a sense of huge betrayal as well as fear. I felt very outnumbered and alone. What was safe for all other persons was not safe to me. I still was at risk of being injured or dying from hate crimes. I could not enjoy freedom the way everyone else enjoyed freedom from being vaccinated.

15. When I asked for support for racial trauma, I was told that there aren't many minorities here. I was also told by some online support groups that my asking for support for racial trauma was "divisive," and that I should not bring up racism at all. I was also told that I was too sensitive, and that I should respect white culture more or leave this state and go to a blue state.

16. I've felt hated, rejected, blamed, isolated, lonely, ashamed, afraid, panicked, dissociative, depressed, suicidal, angry, enraged, confused, obsessed, paranoid, exhausted, fatigued, hopeless, and worthless throughout this entire pandemic. Every little bit of support helps, but all these feelings remain. These feelings are on top of the mental and medical conditions I've already experienced throughout my life.
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 09:14 AM
  #2
Also, here's what I've observed others going through during this pandemic:

1. The BIPOC community has also experienced an uptick in racism and hate crimes.
2. Many people have lost their jobs, careers, or businesses due to the economics involved with the pandemic.
3. Many people have lost relationships because of the politicization of this pandemic, and how belief systems have threatened opposing parties' views.
4. Many people have experienced increased grief from those that died from Covid.
5. Many people have experienced increased grief from someone who has ended their own life, due to some stressor during this pandemic.
6. Many people have experienced increased medical traumas.
7. Many people have experienced increased disabilities.
8. Many people have experienced lowered quality of life.
9. Many people have experienced family dysfunction.
10. Many parents have become overwhelmed by school closures.
11. Many orphans or displaced children have experienced the paradoxical nature of child welfare because of losing their parents to (a) Covid-19, (b) domestic-violence related murder or consequences such as incarceration, (c) substance-abusing parents warranting children's removal from the home, (d) other extenuating circumstances warranting children's removal from the home due to stressors from this pandemic.
12. Many children experiencing bullying in schools for wearing masks, for being Asian, for being a BIPOC member, etc.
13. Many children experiencing trauma from neighborhood violence, including picketing and stalking outside of or within schools.
14. Many people becoming depressed from isolation - whether mandated or self-chosen.
15. Many people experiencing ICU-related trauma.
16. Many people experiencing long-haul Covid symptoms that have affected their overall well-being.
17. Many people who have experienced ageism.
18. Many people who have experienced ableism.
19. Many people who have experienced weight-based blaming and shaming.
20. Many people who have experienced smoking addiction shaming.
21. Many people who have experienced cult-based abuses (whether acknowledged or not).
22. Many people who are experiencing additional, unseen abuses (such as child maltreatment and elder abuse), during this very isolating pandemic.
23. Many people experiencing increases in intimate partner violence and domestic violence during this very isolating pandemic.
24. Many people experiencing institutional betrayal traumas due to the stressors from this pandemic.
25. Many people who fear needles, vaccines, and masks for whatever reason experiencing a lack of understanding and support for their fears, which are not based on religion or politics whatsoever.
26. Many people who are experiencing increases in behavioral problems of all kinds - whether pandemic-related or not - based on the stressors of this pandemic.

There are probably many other areas that people have struggled with during this pandemic that I've not addressed, either due to my own personal experiences or (admittedly) my own biases. That said, I do try to understand. I just can only do what is best for me at this point. I don't have energy to debate or argue. But I do have enough compassion to think about people's pain, well-being, safety, and health.

Last edited by SprinkL3; Oct 17, 2021 at 09:15 AM.. Reason: wrong words; changed them
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 09:53 AM
  #3
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through all that.

I would say that my experience has not been as bad as yours. I live alone, so felt lonely at first working from home and not going anywhere. But once I started online support groups, I felt much better, and I have been relying on them.

Now that I am vaccinated, I do go to work and other places, but always wear a mask. I am also in a red state, so many people refuse to get vaccinated or wear masks. I felt a lot of anger, mainly because the refusal to wear masks, resulted in many children under 12 catching Covid. My coworker has two children who got Covid when they were too young to be vaccinated. They are still experiencing chronic fatigue months later.

My parents are from Indian, but most people think I'm Latina, so I haven't really experienced any overt racism. Also, I am light-skinned, which makes a big differenc. I feel for you, because the anti-Asian sentiment is pretty bad.
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Trig Oct 17, 2021 at 10:16 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through all that.

I would say that my experience has not been as bad as yours. I live alone, so felt lonely at first working from home and not going anywhere. But once I started online support groups, I felt much better, and I have been relying on them.

Now that I am vaccinated, I do go to work and other places, but always wear a mask. I am also in a red state, so many people refuse to get vaccinated or wear masks. I felt a lot of anger, mainly because the refusal to wear masks, resulted in many children under 12 catching Covid. My coworker has two children who got Covid when they were too young to be vaccinated. They are still experiencing chronic fatigue months later.

My parents are from Indian, but most people think I'm Latina, so I haven't really experienced any overt racism. Also, I am light-skinned, which makes a big differenc. I feel for you, because the anti-Asian sentiment is pretty bad.
Thank you so much for your reply! I was so scared I would get negative backlash. That's all I've experienced so far, but I do have very few supportive friends who do understand.

I feel really bad for the children. They are truly vulnerable in all this.

Oh, and one thing I forgot to add to the above is this new term "pangry" - where the "p" stands for pandemic angry. It's what you described with feeling angry about the mask refusals, etc. I get angry from all the above because I honestly think that many deaths, illnesses, disabilities, childhood traumas, medical traumas, and even overt racism could have been prevented. I get angry because I feel like this prolonged pandemic and the surges could have also been prevented. I get even more angry that we have all this money and technology, and countries are begging for vaccines, whereas ours is looking to destroy them. And our country's numbers are nearly the worst per capita (for cases and deaths) when compared with other countries who have fewer resources, etc. That's another mental health thing that I've experienced.

But yeah, I'm struggling a lot.

I do know that other people have really worse experiences than I do though.

When I read about the stories in Haiti, Afghanistan, or Ethiopia, I cannot imagine the torture people are experiencing out there.

There's also this (trigger warning):

Possible trigger:
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 10:22 AM
  #5
That is truly awful.

Sometimes I feel guilty for all the advantages I have that others do not (and through no fault of their own).
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 10:34 AM
  #6
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That is truly awful.

Sometimes I feel guilty for all the advantages I have that others do not (and through no fault of their own).
I, too, feel guilty for many advantages that I've had with all of my entitlements (my disability payments). While many people were struggling with job loss, evictions, and otherwise, I have been relatively stable (unless the debt ceiling debates in December change that for us disabled persons, etc.). So, for now, I've been blessed with having a roof over my head.

What I did during the pandemic was contactless donations. I would post through the online mutual aid groups about my giving away furniture, clothing, food, and many household items to those in need. I would get confirmations and then leave them outside my door with a note for the person or persons picking them up. They would call me so that I could buzz them in, and then they'd retrieve the donated items. I eventually replenished a lot of those items with cheaper items, but I kept my apartment pretty empty, just so that I'd have fewer things to clean. I put a lot of my things in storage, too. The storage is down the hall from my apartment. I had no idea how bad this pandemic would get in 2020, so I literally gave away thousands of dollars worth of stuff. My therapist was concerned because I was suicidal and also wanting to survive at the same time. It was a really tough time for me. But I managed to refurnish my apartment with cheap stuff. I called the crisis line once or twice a day for many months at the beginning of the pandemic. It was that bad for me.

But the good thing is, I felt like so many people were helped by me giving away a ton of stuff. I mean, a family had no table to eat off of during the pandemic, and so I gave them my dining table. I didn't need a dining table for myself. I only had it for guests, but nowadays, I have no guests at all, LOL. So they felt safer eating at a dining table.

I also gave away my expensive desk and matching bookcase to a neighbor who had to close her business in another state and have everything relocated here. She was happy about that. I think she moved though.

There were so many people struggling back then, and nowadays, there are many additional struggles going on.

I try to deal with my guilt through paying it forward, I guess.
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 11:14 AM
  #7
Yes, I do the same. Not so much with donations but by volunteering. I taught English to immigrants for 9 years. During the pandemic it was on Zoom. I have a couple other of volunteer positions on Zoom this year.
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Smile Oct 28, 2021 at 03:23 AM
  #8
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Yes, I do the same. Not so much with donations but by volunteering. I taught English to immigrants for 9 years. During the pandemic it was on Zoom. I have a couple other of volunteer positions on Zoom this year.
That was kind of you to teach English to immigrants. I got some certificate a while back to help teach 0-level and 1-level ESL learners (also immigrants), but I tired easily, so that only lasted a few months. I never experienced teaching/tutoring before, and the students (a married couple) were so grateful to me. They kept calling me "teacher," which I wasn't used to. It's amazing what you feel when you help someone learn. I never felt that before. I've tutored peers, but there was a reciprocal exchange of them tutoring me, too, during our study groups. It wasn't where I was in a teaching position.

It takes so much energy to teach though! I was standing for two hours at a time, and very animated with different lesson plans to help them learn. I'd ask them to come to the white erase board to write down the ABCs in both uppercase and lowercase. I really didn't know what I was doing. I had no one to instruct me on how to instruct. But, when they took a placement test toward the end, my supervisor told me that they elevated to the next level, which made me feel proud.

I taught them other things, besides the basic ABCs, such as how to tell time and how to write a complete sentence. They were Vietnamese speakers, and neither of us knew one another's language. It was completely emersion.

I felt they needed someone more skilled than me. I only volunteered because there was a shortage in the area I lived. I've since moved from that area.

Kudos to you for teaching! I'd like to know how you teach!

It's so fascinating to teach another language when you don't know the other language. I had to do so much "sign language," as in pointing to a specific color in the room to show them what color it was or what the object was called. Like pointing at a blue ball and saying the sentence, "I see a blue ball." I would ask them what they saw, and they would answer the question. I think that's how one of the lesson plans went. I had way more energy back then.

Anyway, I can't sleep and so I found this old post of mine that I must have missed responding to. Sorry for my delayed response. I'm kind of half awake here.
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Default Oct 28, 2021 at 03:32 AM
  #9
Another pandemic-related mental health issue is pandemic fatigue.

I believe in wearing masks and getting vaccinated, but I'm exhausted from wearing masks and other PPE. I'm exhausted from being extra cautious whenever I leave my apartment for anything. I'm exhausted from having to get these vaccinations. I'm exhausted from reading the news about vaccines and other policies. I'm exhausted from washing my hands, and having my poor hands frequently get wrinkled and tough. I'm exhausted from cleaning and disinfecting any household purchases. I'm exhausted from doing laundry every day. I'm exhausted from being locked up in my apartment like I'm on house arrest, but it's the safest for me when I'm surrounded by people who disregard mask and vaccine recommendations. I'm exhausted by the politics involved in our healthcare and public safety. I'm exhausted of being hypervigilant with all things, including racism. I'm exhausted of having to fight all the time. I'm exhausted about the enemies wanting me to tire out so that I could bow down to their supremacy/extremist ways of life, which means I'm just a slave, a less-than, a person who isn't healthy enough to survive any of their Social Darwinism (eugenic) threats. I'm tired of constantly being on the defensive - with everything - with cleaning, disinfecting, vaccines, masking, social distancing, isolating, being watchful, being mindful, being everything that reduces my freedoms to pure survival mode. I'm exhausted from surviving, as opposed to living. I'm exhausted from hiding. I'm exhausted from asking for help. I'm exhausted from the monotony of my days in isolation. I'm exhausted from having to figure out whether or not "of" or "from" should be used after "I'm exhausted..." (is it "I'm exhausted of..."? or "I'm exhausted from..."?), and then wondering why my insomnia keeps me up late at night worried about my exhaustion and whether or not my grammar is correct. I have no idea. I lack the consistency I used to have. I constantly have to look up grammatical rules, if I'm not lazy or exhausted. But I'm so exhausted that I'm now ruminating and venting about my exhaustion, even though it's exhausting writing this.

I'm sure it is exhausting reading this, too.
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Default Oct 28, 2021 at 02:28 PM
  #10
The only thing that really happened to me was that telehealth therapy sessions severely impacted my mental health in 2020. Suddenly going from seeing her in person to seeing her through a screen, I mean, it ****ed with me so badly. But I felt so guilty because nothing bad was actually happening to me. Like no one I knew had even gotten Covid yet alone died from it. I had my SSI and Medicare so I was able to quit my job and stay at home safely. But like these telesessions just screwed with my mind so much I ended up in virtual IOP because of it late last year. Of course I was also transitioning and having changes in hormones and I was in the process of my move. So I was under a lot of stress. But at times I felt like I was just acting like an entitled asshole because I couldn’t do therapy in person when it was really very unsafe to do it.

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Default Oct 28, 2021 at 06:12 PM
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I haven't experienced an increase in anxiety over cleanliness. But I am Asian and I feel the heightened anxiety around my race. As you said, it brings up past traumas and my shame has tripled. I still go out as I used to, but can't imagine what I'd do if I lived in a red state.
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Default Oct 28, 2021 at 07:42 PM
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I don't disinfect stuff or wash my hands more often than normal anymore. Main things I do are wear masks in public and avoid places where there are likely to be children under 12 (unvaccinated and maskless). I don't want to infect a child.
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Default Oct 29, 2021 at 06:31 PM
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I've washed my hands regularly before and still do. I've been working the whole time. not worried about covid anymore since vaccinated. really didn't worry a lot back than about myself as much as Infecting my neighbors they are seniors. but I didn't. tested several times always negative. last test was this week. I've been sick several times never covid. my immune system is working.

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