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StephenT
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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 12:37 PM
  #1
I was very close to my grandmother, but I was unable to show her the love that I wanted to. I didn't know how to enjoy spending time with her.

I couldn't even share these things with myself, as I was too busy hiding emotionally from things in my life I couldn't control, and shouldn't have happened. I was partly dead inside and I kept much of this repressed as I grew up, not for want of trying, I just didn't understand.

One day when I was young, my grandmother said to me, 'don't leave it too long to love me and appreciate me, until one day it will be too late to do anything about it'.

One day came.. and I told her on her deathbed how I feel.

I could barely feel it, but deep down it's strong. I have a lot of unprocessed anger about it. This shouldn't have happened.
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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 01:02 PM
  #2
Something similar happened to me with my father. My heart goes out to you!
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Default Dec 18, 2021 at 03:47 PM
  #3
I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't express your feelings. Sometimes I think society tells men that showing emotion makes them "weak" when nothing could be further from the truth. I hope with time you will find it easier to show the people you love how you feel.
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Default Dec 24, 2021 at 10:16 PM
  #4
It's frustrating to watch the people you look up to, the people you wan't to learn from but they are dead inside too because they were abused.

Then when I want to express positivity and get their approval, either they don't see it, or they do see it and are jealous and try to bring me down.

Then they'd go on to try to 'teach' me how to be a better person when it's really about them.
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Heart Dec 24, 2021 at 10:33 PM
  #5


Grief is really tough, but it is even tougher sometimes by the things people say or the ways in which we can't live up to others' expectations or our own.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's hard for some people, myself included, to express emotions, even though I feel them strongly inside. I can write about my emotions more so than express them. I feel and express anger more easily than tears, even though I'm a cisgendered woman (born a woman, identify as a woman). I don't know much about how men struggle in this area, but I feel odd for being a woman and having difficulty expressing my emotion. I feel it, and I have dissociative identity disorder with alternate personalities that can feel and express, but I, being the main person, cannot.

I worry that my lack of emotional expression has impacted my relationships - especially to the point of my being unable to get close or bonded with anyone.

No amount of expectations from others or myself could create the close relationships I crave. I simply have difficulty getting close to people.

I sometimes get angry about it - wishing I could do more or be more, but then I realize that this is my disability, and that there's only so much I can do. I can't expect everyone to be a certain way with me, and I certainly wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure or guilt on anyone else. We can only do what we can to live the life we are living.

Unfortunately, those dear to us pass away. The timing almost always seems off, but we never know when people will go. We also never know how much time we should be spending with other people, too. By the time we can speak with them, it's either too late (it seems) or it's just in time to say good-bye.

I had a friend who got murdered at the age of 15. I lost her abruptly. We had an argument just weeks before she died. I never got to say good-bye. It's not the same, and in no way am I comparing my situation to yours. But I do understand "survivor's guilt." I've never truly had therapy or treatment for that, as my parents didn't really believe in psychologists, and I was only about 13 or 14 at the time - too young to feel safe enough to express the need for help. I didn't even know what to ask for because I was so neglected and abused myself. But I wished someone had told me about survivor's guilt, and how it was NOT MY FAULT for not being there for my best friend, or for just being myself in life at the time without realizing that her life would be gone weeks later. There's no way I could have known. And even if I did know, I was still dealing with a bunch of stuff.

It's hard when the guilt inside feels real, but the reality is that you were struggling in life to just live life, and that's hard enough with putting more pressure on ourselves for wishing that we could have done more or said more before someone passes. I think that's important to acknowledge as part of the grieving process, and it helps us to evaluate how precious life is. But when we're struggling with so many stressors, including mental illnesses, it's hard to even put that kind of pressure on ourselves. It hard to make time to engage, no matter how much we want to. For that, I don't think people truly understand the depths of mental illness on top of the grieving process.

Any kind of childhood trauma seemed to strip away my ability to express emotion. I think that's because I got in trouble for just expressing anything as a kid.

I hope you find some comfort and peace in your grief. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are kind to yourself and not so pressured to do this or that. I know it's easier said than done though.
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