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Old 11-21-2021, 11:54 AM   #1
SarahSweden
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Default My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I´m 40+ and I have nothing in life that makes it meaningful. I have no job, no IRL friends and I have never been in a relationship. I have searched for help and psychotherapy for several years and I´ve seen several counselors and also therapists over shorter periods of time. But as I can´t pay for therapy out of my own pocket the treatments haven´t been successful, seeing those counselors and therapists has been supportive in that moment but not making any changes in the long run.

I live on welfare and because of my anxiety and depression I can´t work and as there is no proper treatment I´m stuck at where I am.

As I´m very lonely and have been since I was little this isn´t a situation where the solution is just "go out and meet people" or "join a club".

I don´t have any relatives close by either and we don´t have any closer connection between us so they´re not that much of a support to me.

I don´t look for friends as I always end up disappointed and let down. Also, in my situation I don´t want to meet with new people and when they ask me what I do, just answer "I live on welfare, I have depression and anxiety". I can´t pretend my life is like everybody else´s either. A man in his 40s wouldn´t see me as a potential partner if I don´t work and there isn´t much chance I´ll get a job in the future either.

I see no way out of this, I just see that my life is ruined and it started early, already in school when I often spent time alone, not playing with other kids and so on.
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Old 11-21-2021, 12:34 PM   #2
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I felt that way too in depressive episodes.

You mentioned that therapy didn't work out for you. I have found the same is true for me unless I'm taking anti-depressants that work. If not, I have no energy to do anything to make positive changes in my life.

Have you talked to a medical doctor about medication?
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Old 11-21-2021, 02:58 PM   #3
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Thanks. I have tried antidepressants and they didn´t work for me. It´s my overall situation that affects me, not only the fact that I can´t get access to psychotherapy.

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I felt that way too in depressive episodes.

You mentioned that therapy didn't work out for you. I have found the same is true for me unless I'm taking anti-depressants that work. If not, I have no energy to do anything to make positive changes in my life.

Have you talked to a medical doctor about medication?
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Old 11-21-2021, 05:30 PM   #4
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I actually found peer support groups (run by people who have their own history with mental illness) to be far more helpful to me than therapy with a trained counselor. Many of these are also free and available online to people from all over the world.

I also joined Overeaters Anonymous and I really find the 12 steps helpful regardless of whether or not you have an addiction. They have Emotions Anonymous for people with mental health issues to do the 12 steps.

The pandemic actually opened up more avenues of support to me, because I can attend meetings hosted all over the world.
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Old 11-21-2021, 06:01 PM   #5
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Thanks. I know the Emotions Anonymous group, we have one here in Sweden as well. I though found their rules way too strict and I couldn´t fit into such a group as one of their rules is that you´re not allowed to talk about any treatments, like psychotherapy.

As my main language isn´t English I´m not fluent enough when speaking English and by that I don´t look for groups where you have to speak English.

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I actually found peer support groups (run by people who have their own history with mental illness) to be far more helpful to me than therapy with a trained counselor. Many of these are also free and available online to people from all over the world.

I also joined Overeaters Anonymous and I really find the 12 steps helpful regardless of whether or not you have an addiction. They have Emotions Anonymous for people with mental health issues to do the 12 steps.

The pandemic actually opened up more avenues of support to me, because I can attend meetings hosted all over the world.
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Old 11-22-2021, 04:18 AM   #6
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Hey @SarahSweden i forget if you have shared this but do you have a diagnosis?
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Old 11-22-2021, 10:04 PM   #7
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I don't think we have that rule about not talking about treatments in the 12 step groups here, but am not sure. That's too bad.

Sorry you don't feel comfortable in English speaking groups. I'm not sure what's available in Swedish.
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Old 11-23-2021, 03:57 AM   #8
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

What about things that interest you @SarahSweden? Hobbies, interests, pass times? Does reading or maybe learning about specific subjects stimulate you in some way, friend? For me, (I'm very much in a similar situation to you) those things are important. If I find anything interesting or fascinating, then for those moments I just forget I'm alone really. But finding aspects of life to be interesting and fascinating (which includes nature too) is, to me, meaningful. Plus I do my little bit for nature and our planet in my own way, as well. My life isn't like the so-called "normal" people - I accept that, and just take it easy now. You have to play your cards right to survive mental illness.
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Old 11-23-2021, 07:12 PM   #9
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I feel the same way. I've tried living through that feeling for almost 30 years. There's no way to correct it. I've prayed, I've taken risks. My mental health has ruined my life. I don't think it'll ever be what I dreamed. life is just one big disappointment.

Today my daughter said my thanksgiving wouldn't be spoiled if I stayed married to her dad. She'd be able to see me. Anyway I ruined my life and there's no going back. just have to live with the consequences.
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Old 11-23-2021, 07:37 PM   #10
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I'm sorry your daughter said that. I doubt you are entirely to blame for the divorce.
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Old 11-23-2021, 09:49 PM   #11
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I am sorry you are struggling.

Life isn’t particularly fair. No one’s life plays out the way they hoped, something always go sideways. The most we can really do is do our best with what we’ve got. Is it easy, no, but what else is there.

Honestly there is always someone worse off than us. I understand it might not be helpful for you at the moment but imagine how much worse your life could be. There’s s lot to be grateful for.

You are on welfare but what if you lived in places where there was no welfare. You don’t live on the street and I assume you aren’t starving. You can physically walk, see, hear, type, you have access to technology, I assume you aren’t fearing for your life on a daily basis. You aren’t prohibited from walking on the street without male companion. You aren’t thrown to jail for no reason. This makes your life much better than many people’s. There is a lot to appreciate even if it doesn’t feel so.

In terms of your particular condition I believe you are not properly diagnosed/misdiagnosed or there was no follow up. If you were properly diagnosed maybe you’d have a better understanding of what’s happening in your life and possibly even get proper treatment. What you described sounds more than depression and anxiety to me. Why aren’t your doctors looking into something deeper than that is beyond me.

When was the last time you tried to get a job? Like part time? Something very simple? What was the outcome? When you say you “can’t” work, do you mean when you get s job you can’t handle it? Perhaps those were wrong jobs? What happened to your last employment?
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Old 11-24-2021, 03:49 PM   #12
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

I´m sorry you´re feeling this way. I don´t know anything about your history but it seems you haven´t gotten proper treatment or help from health care or the social services. I know it´s often hard to get access to proper care so I understand if you haven´t been able to get the care you need. It sounds harsh what your daughter told you, it´s not easy to feel blamed for everything that happend in the past as it´s not only you who made choices, they did as well.

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I feel the same way. I've tried living through that feeling for almost 30 years. There's no way to correct it. I've prayed, I've taken risks. My mental health has ruined my life. I don't think it'll ever be what I dreamed. life is just one big disappointment.

Today my daughter said my thanksgiving wouldn't be spoiled if I stayed married to her dad. She'd be able to see me. Anyway I ruined my life and there's no going back. just have to live with the consequences.
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Old 11-24-2021, 04:10 PM   #13
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Thanks. I agree that many people has a far more severe situation than I do. When it comes to diagnosing, I have been evaluated within all those bigger subgroups of mental health diagnosis - affective disorders, personality syndroms and neuropsychiatric conditions.

I meet the criteria only when it comes to anxiety and depression. The problem is that many of my problems isn´t seen as a diagnosis but they are still leading up to symptoms like depression and anxiety. Swedish health care isn´t trauma informed and only those with very severe trauma are seeing trauma therapists.

If I could see a private therapist he/she would look into "all" of my problems without having to put them into a specific diagnosis to be able to talk about them, to help me process them, to help me find solutions. But within public health care they don´t let patients talk about their whole complex of problems but they ask patients to choose ONE specific problem and then form the whole treatment around this problem or question. Often during a short period of time like 10 sessions or so.

I've had several trainee jobs and I didn´t like them much because I had to spend a lot of time on my own with tasks I didn´t share with anyone else. I don´t like sitting inside in front of a computer all day and I could never stand the noisy and bright environments in shops, cafés and similar places. Also, even if I knew what could fit me, I can´t compete with those who have had work from when they were young. Noone would hire me.

I see I need to in some way relate to my alienation from society and not accept it but at the same time not expect any changes in my life.

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I am sorry you are struggling.

Life isn’t particularly fair. No one’s life plays out the way they hoped, something always go sideways. The most we can really do is do our best with what we’ve got. Is it easy, no, but what else is there.

Honestly there is always someone worse off than us. I understand it might not be helpful for you at the moment but imagine how much worse your life could be. There’s s lot to be grateful for.

You are on welfare but what if you lived in places where there was no welfare. You don’t live on the street and I assume you aren’t starving. You can physically walk, see, hear, type, you have access to technology, I assume you aren’t fearing for your life on a daily basis. You aren’t prohibited from walking on the street without male companion. You aren’t thrown to jail for no reason. This makes your life much better than many people’s. There is a lot to appreciate even if it doesn’t feel so.

In terms of your particular condition I believe you are not properly diagnosed/misdiagnosed or there was no follow up. If you were properly diagnosed maybe you’d have a better understanding of what’s happening in your life and possibly even get proper treatment. What you described sounds more than depression and anxiety to me. Why aren’t your doctors looking into something deeper than that is beyond me.

When was the last time you tried to get a job? Like part time? Something very simple? What was the outcome? When you say you “can’t” work, do you mean when you get s job you can’t handle it? Perhaps those were wrong jobs? What happened to your last employment?
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Old 11-24-2021, 10:33 PM   #14
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

How do you know if no one will hire you? Have you applied? Here we have such shortage everywhere that they hire anyone. You are in your 40s not 90s.
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Old 11-24-2021, 11:17 PM   #15
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Quote:
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How do you know if no one will hire you? Have you applied? Here we have such shortage everywhere that they hire anyone. You are in your 40s not 90s.
Divine, you callin' me old?!

Here hospitals always accept volunteers.
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Old 11-25-2021, 05:31 AM   #16
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Life has a way of being terrible. I'm not even talking about it in a profound way–sometimes it's just bad. No further justification. Sometimes people tend to romanticize hardships like it'll make you a better person, it'll help you this and do that–but in the end, it just feels like you'd be better of not experiencing it at all (at least, in my opinion).

This is why I won't downplay what you're feeling as "normal". I empathize with you. The situation you are in is nowhere ideal and I can only hope for things to become better on your end.

We're all strangers on this forum fighting our own individual battles–this is cliche but know you're not alone.

I was in a somewhat similar state you are in and what really helped me was finding something to live for aka my pets. I go to work and earn money to feed them. I pay the rent so that they can live in a comfortable space. I go through daily panic attacks and social anxiety to come home to them alive and healthy.

You can start small. Get a plant, talk to the plant, and share your thoughts with the plant. I could never commit to it–but for some people, journals really help.

I wish you well Sarah. Lots of hugs and love.
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Old 11-26-2021, 11:27 AM   #17
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Most employers want younger people and as I my work experiences are rather old now, as I've been living om welfare for several years, I don´t have much to show a potential employer. I can´t take whatever job and many of those jobs available would be impossible due to my mental health.

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How do you know if no one will hire you? Have you applied? Here we have such shortage everywhere that they hire anyone. You are in your 40s not 90s.
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Old 11-26-2021, 11:35 AM   #18
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Thanks for this, it warmed my heart to read.

I hear you´ve struggled and struggles as well and I´m glad you found a way to a better life. It sounds nice having pets and to see the meaning in life by caring for them.

I feel a lot of my motivation was lost when I faced a lot of hardships and even if I really tried finding healthcare and psychotherapy, that wasn't possible. I think everyone needs someone for support and I´ve seen a large amount of different people both within health care and within the employment agency but noone could really help me.

I do little things in my everyday life but all those important things in or aspects of life is missing. I wouldn´t date someone like me who don´t have any money and no job and by that I´m stuck in my loneliness. As I´ve never had a romantic relationship, that would also be seen as odd by many people even if I tried to find a new friend or a partner.

Sending you hugs and love back!

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Life has a way of being terrible. I'm not even talking about it in a profound way–sometimes it's just bad. No further justification. Sometimes people tend to romanticize hardships like it'll make you a better person, it'll help you this and do that–but in the end, it just feels like you'd be better of not experiencing it at all (at least, in my opinion).

This is why I won't downplay what you're feeling as "normal". I empathize with you. The situation you are in is nowhere ideal and I can only hope for things to become better on your end.

We're all strangers on this forum fighting our own individual battles–this is cliche but know you're not alone.

I was in a somewhat similar state you are in and what really helped me was finding something to live for aka my pets. I go to work and earn money to feed them. I pay the rent so that they can live in a comfortable space. I go through daily panic attacks and social anxiety to come home to them alive and healthy.

You can start small. Get a plant, talk to the plant, and share your thoughts with the plant. I could never commit to it–but for some people, journals really help.

I wish you well Sarah. Lots of hugs and love.
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Old 11-26-2021, 11:52 AM   #19
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

For me, mindfulness has been about the only thing that has worked. People have different ideas as to what mindfulness is -- for some it seems to be some kind of nirvana, some kind of dreamy condition, but not the way I see it. Instead, it is being mindful about EVERY thought and feeling I have, even, or especially, the "bad" ones. I try to be a scientist to examine thoughts and feelings as a (n ideal) doctor or scientist would, to try to find out what they mean. I sometimes let my thoughts just go and see where they lead. I think I have figured out a lot in the process, though it takes time and is not easy. Often quite frightening. I try to stick with it.

It has worked for me. Doesn't mean it will work for you. Maybe you could examine this area of inquiry.

(I also have cats.)
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Old 11-26-2021, 01:52 PM   #20
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Default Re: My life is ruined and I see no way out.

Quote:
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Most employers want younger people and as I my work experiences are rather old now, as I've been living om welfare for several years, I don´t have much to show a potential employer. I can´t take whatever job and many of those jobs available would be impossible due to my mental health.
Well it’s not 100% accurate. People of all ages get jobs.
But you won’t know unless you try.

There must be vocational agencies that help people finding jobs. Sure not every job would work for you . But again you won’t know unless you try. I know people with every disability imaginable due to the nature of my job and many find something suitable and appropriate. Of course maybe there’s nothing suitable. But again you won’t know unless you try

I am not saying you must work but if you feel your life is ruined and you aren’t happy about it, then you might want to try something
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