Feeling like past defines me

There's this thing that I've been thinking about lately and feeling I hate the holidays it's miserable to me and honestly I feel like I have anger and bitterness towards so many people. I feel like I want to delete so many people from my social media so many people I feel are fake and judging me. Especially one of the people there that suggested years ago in a freaking shop to my mother and me that I was autistic. News flash person my mental health is not your concern and not like you care anyway. I just hate people honestly. Like I had doctors feed me ******** labels to a point that I believed it. Well anyway my point is I don't feel like anyone is truly my friend and I just want to delete everyone from my life. Go to a place where no one knows me. Coz right now all I can think and see is I'm defined as that troubled girl from a bad family. Honestly I think to myself I don't know when I got that belief but that being on Centrelink in a violent home it left me with a belief that I was broken and needed saving because I was too ruined to be loved. To be honest I feel that empty girl with all promise snuffed out of her, I still feel she's there. When I think I can trust anyone I just think wait until they turn. I don't know how my mother says she had no idea that this environment wouldn't traumatize kids. I don't understand that logic. However when I think of it I always feel like I'm that's low class girl from a violent crazy family that is seeking refuge in a Lucy saw centre. That's my legacy that's my history and it ****ing hurts when I think I could be anymore I just ****ing remember and my eyes burn and stinge last yesterday. They say time heals all wounds but for some reason I took that messed up damage of my family and went this is who I am. I'm worthless and it's confusing knowing now that I'm not and everything I was taught is a lie. I feel like my identity is being burnt to the ground and they'd dare tell me i had borderline personality disorder. When they didn't even bother trying to help my freaking mum. Just ******** I just think they shove labels so they can excuse drugging us lovely people with that poison of Seroquel. They say borderline but like to be honest coz nobody is that stupid. How could I freaking have an identity when I was meant to survive how could I possibly have a freaking brain of my own when I was meant to manage ********. Now tell me doctor because you truly don't know nothing about a child that survived domestic violence. What a freaking identity is. So yeah Im ****ing confused because I'm still freaking learning what a freaking relationship is because like I had to unlearn ******** behaviour. Then tell me all these labels if it makes you feel any better than you treated my mother like ****. When she was probably just as damaged. So yeah I don't trust anyone how could I.. My family would of known what was happening at home was there uncles for me and daniela no freaking foster care. So yes if I am angry it doesn't need a bleeding heart to know why!!!

I am sorry for your pain and your anger. I know from my experience that anger can be harder to endure than pain, but maybe that's just me. And maybe you're just going "piss off, I don't need your advice or kindness or whatever you think you are doing answering to my post". And as I've had that reaction in the past, I feel I could relate to it if I weren't just projecting, which granted, I may very well be.

When I was this angry, really the only thing that helped me was work. Work forced me to concentrate and that gave me relieve from my constantly spinning thoughts and feelings. And as I was actually good at it it even gave my ego a boost. For a while it worked, anyway. Until I got bored. But they were a few good years and it's good to know one is capable of having those.

I'm sorry if you came here to vent and I gave unwanted advice you have no need or care for. You don't need to go to therapy if you ask me. If it helps you, go. If it doesn't, don't go. It's up to you. And I think labels are ok to gain perspective and to ask Dr Google what might be wrong or help or such. But one should not define oneself via a label. That is in essence inflexible and counter to anything therapy ought, in my opinion, strive to achieve.

I'm sorry you're angry or hurt. Just wanted to validate those feelings.

I just feel caught in a cycle of anxiety and just memories suck. Just obsess so much and it's like good. I think I'm more angry at myself for letting the world let me define. I just wish I didn't feel like I was so malleable to my surroundings that I feel like I lose my identity if you understand. I'm just sick of anxiety.

I often feel we are generally undefinable. You know, like heisenberg said about particles, that you can either define their velocity or their position, never both. Likewise, we as people can either know who we are (position) or where we are going (velocity). Mere existence ought to be enough and thinking too much about our position in life and in the world might cause us to loose motivation (velocity) to move forward.

Anxiety sucks

I also often feel we are generally undefinable... (good post above)

ETA ''One should not define oneself via a label. That is in essence inflexible and counter to anything therapy is supposed to provide'' .. My thoughts too. (changed wording slightly)

I think at these times, one should take some time and analyse the situation before letting the situation get into your head. Today the situation might seem a bit difficult but as the time will pass everything will fall as it is supposed to. Time is a great healer, and sometimes we just have to trust the time..

There are certain events that occur in our lifetime and are hard to be forgotten. But it is important that “we live on our past and not in our past.”

This feeling makes us feel unworthy of love, kindness or compassion. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Love yourself and be compassionate to yourself. It is very important that you feel good about yourself before everything. Don’t let the past define you or your future.

Your anger and anxiety is genuine in this situation. But, it is very harmful for your health both psychologically and physically. Sometimes moving on with time is very important for your evolution in a positive way.