[SprinkL3]

I'm trying to get better at online groups and forums. I get triggered once in a while, and then my mental illness kicks in big time. So then, I don't do well with online groups. I wish I could censor myself when I feel the trigger coming on, but many times I don't even know what triggers me until afterward.

I sometimes try to reply to help others, but I really don't know what to say sometimes. I'm socially awkward even online, LOL.

There are times when I know what to say, but many times I kind of go on a tangent and write what pops into my mind at the moment. And sometimes I misread things.

This pandemic has me on edge, so I can easily misread some things.

I'm doing what I can to catch myself, but it's hard.

I would rather try to stay and improve on the online forums thing here.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

[InkyTinks]

I like reading your posts and you always answer mine.


I struggle with 'live chats' and thinking what to say in the moment, but where I've got more time to think I do ok if I'm in the right mood and feeling like I want to 'chat'.


I think it depends who it is too and what they want to chat about!

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by InkyTinks

I like reading your posts and you always answer mine.

I struggle with 'live chats' and thinking what to say in the moment, but where I've got more time to think I do ok if I'm in the right mood and feeling like I want to 'chat'.

I think it depends who it is too and what they want to chat about!

Thank you!

My mind is strange. Not only do I struggle with DID and PTSD and sometimes OCD, I also struggle with this unnamed thought process issue. It's like I'm thinking a bunch of different thoughts at the same time and trying to figure out the origins, cause, and projections of things, and even their associations. I swear I have a thought disorder of some kind, but it felt like it just got worse around 2016. I can't explain it, but something about graduating as an undergrad crippled me. I felt super depressed after graduating. It was as though I knew there was no future for me, that my disability held me back, and that I had literally no support system to propel me forward. I was also retraumatized many different times toward the end of undergrad and during my post-bacc. I quit my post-bacc, but not before my mind kind of went crazy with all sorts of things. I wasn't treated kindly either.

I look around at all those I knew or worked with, and they are all super professionals - one even working at Harvard now, and another treating patients as a PA. I can't seem to face them or anyone. They knew me 10 years ago, when I was much thinner and smarter and quick to think. I can barely recall what I read or seen within a day. My summa cum laude and awards meant literally nothing.

I can barely function on an online support forum among other people with mental illnesses. I can speak - yes, but I'm all over the place. I can feel many of my alternate personalities, which is changing me. I'm scared of feeling these changes, and then going through many thought processes.

My T helps me to focus on safety, which really, really, REALLY helps me! I've never been able to feel safe before now. I've been able to ground myself, but not be safe. I'm still not feeling 100% safe, but at least I know how to redirect my thinking to safety things, when all my mind wants to do is hone in on all the dangers and threats in the world and around me.

I wish I could be the person I was 10 years ago. I had peers who said I truly helped them. The problem is, an alter helped them - not me. A few alters did the college work - not me. I can't remember much of what I learned as an undergrad anymore. I can't even remember the paper I published. I wasn't the one to do it. I sobbed on the phone with the professor who oversaw the department, and he even said for me to just focus on healing. I think I tried to contact him a few more times to tell him my laments, but then I was told not to contact him again - in kind of a stern yet polite way. He knew I was suffering from some sort of mental illnesses. I just couldn't do post-bacc work anymore. They allowed me to initially, but I quit and said I don't want my name on anything, and whatever work I did was minimal anyway, but someone else could take over and take credit. I remember just leaving.

I don't know what happened to me, or what is happening to me.

I feel like I'm not the same person.

I've changed during this pandemic, and I feel 1000 times more disabled than pre-pandemic times. And I was already deemed disabled by two governmental institutions - no appeals, no hardships - just for some reason I was deemed disabled. SSDI only took six months for me to get approved. Most people have to appeal and hire lawyers to win within 1 to 2 years or so. I didn't think I was that "far gone," but I'm realizing more than ever that I am.

[InkyTinks]

I've changed a lot over the last few years..about the last 5..but mostly the last 2 when I've been in isolation due to shielding. (This March will be 2 years shielding when our gov't first put the country into lockdown due to covid).


Before that I did enjoy going for an occasional shopping trip or meal out but of course since covid have been unable to, seeing only my sibling and their partner and only going walking my dog when no-one else is about (not even getting chance to talk to neighbours or call in the local shops).


Going through the peri-menopause has been a big change too for me..the severe mood swings and at some times paranoia (probably made 10x worse by the isolation).


I hope I'm near the end! (of Peri I mean) I'll be 53 this year...the average is meant to be 51 and in general somewhere between 45-55 years old.


At least I can save on the heating bills with the hot flushes!!!...just put a fleece oodie on and can guarantee in 5 mins I'll be boiling hot again!!!

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by InkyTinks

I've changed a lot over the last few years..about the last 5..but mostly the last 2 when I've been in isolation due to shielding. (This March will be 2 years shielding when our gov't first put the country into lockdown due to covid).

Before that I did enjoy going for an occasional shopping trip or meal out but of course since covid have been unable to, seeing only my sibling and their partner and only going walking my dog when no-one else is about (not even getting chance to talk to neighbours or call in the local shops).

Going through the peri-menopause has been a big change too for me..the severe mood swings and at some times paranoia (probably made 10x worse by the isolation).

I hope I'm near the end! (of Peri I mean) I'll be 53 this year...the average is meant to be 51 and in general somewhere between 45-55 years old.

At least I can save on the heating bills with the hot flushes!!!...just put a fleece oodie on and can guarantee in 5 mins I'll be boiling hot again!!!

For the most part, online forums have been a lifeline for me, even before COVID. That being said, sometimes I'm more in a mood to view than post, and people can rub each other the wrong way. Emojis aren't always enough or people don't use them at all, so you don't know the "tone" of their comments.

I don't post if I feel vulnerable, like my skin isn't "tough" enough to view any possible comments. I haven't started threads or discussions online in YEARS since I don't want to risk being ignored. This happens way too much in real life, people not responding to my email, text, or voicemail. It's exhausting to have to keep following up and leaving a SECOND message. This can even happen with doctor's offices, long before COVID so COVID isn't always the reason or excuse (?).

Chat rooms move too fast for me. I type pretty fast but not enough to keep up with posting in it. Someone will reply while I'm still typing MY reply!

I get it on perimenopause and later, menopause.

I remember those hot flashes. No fun.

[SprinkL3]

I'm not there yet with the perimenopause. But I am noticing my menses getting shorter and lighter. They don't start off heavy, but they rather start off like spotting for a day and get somewhat heavy on Day 2. By Day 4, it's back to spotting again for another couple of days. I'm emotional this week and last because I'm currently on my menses. I wonder how worse I'll be when I get to the perimenopause and then menopause states. I feel like I'd be locked away in an insane asylum. I'm dealing with enough as it is.

I think anyone who survives menopause is a superwoman. I hope it doesn't last that long.

[will19]

I feel like I'm not good at it myself. I prefer and feel like I do better with live people than online. But having live people in my life isn't feasible right now. Even in having a disagreement, I feel that I can resolve it better in person than online and over the phone. I feel like I'm not great on the phone, either.

I have started some threads on here and did not receive many replies. So that made me feel bad and fearful to try again. And then I worry if someone is going to be upset with me with what I had to say. And I'm hesitant to reply to someone whom I don't agree with because I prefer not to have a confrontation; in which we'd volley back and fourth to each other.

It's fortunate for me that this is a good and safe place to go. I've been on other forums and they were bad. They were judgmental and patronizing. And then there would be the trolls to deal with. There doesn't seem to be trolls on here.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by InkyTinks

I've changed a lot over the last few years..about the last 5..but mostly the last 2 when I've been in isolation due to shielding. (This March will be 2 years shielding when our gov't first put the country into lockdown due to covid).

Before that I did enjoy going for an occasional shopping trip or meal out but of course since covid have been unable to, seeing only my sibling and their partner and only going walking my dog when no-one else is about (not even getting chance to talk to neighbours or call in the local shops).

I had some thoughts about the above I forgot to post. I've changed in the last 2 years too, one of them being I don't want to invest time, effort, and emotions in sub-standard or one-way "friendships". It took COVID to magnify what I already felt deep down: These "friends" are really just casual friends or acquaintances. There's no real connection, no reciprocity, and no empathy. Their idea of friendship is worlds away from mine.

2020 was so brutal, I'll never forget how cut off I felt when they closed down the libraries on March 14th. Back then that was my only way to get online. I now have a smartphone, which I'm still learning to use. But at least I can get online with it. Right now I'm using a laptop checked out from them, which is due in a few days.

But stupid libraries didn't implement this until they reopened anyway. They just give one hour on public computers now, so it's good they offer this. But a long queue.

So in 2020 talking to these women just wasn't supportive enough. They have families and spouses, and they didn't seem to show the concern for me I thought they would, as they KNOW I live alone. Yet I had to call THEM for the most part.

And I don't feel "safe" talking to them, like I can say what I really feel. Both downplay it, and one always gives advice even though I repeatedly have told her in the past that I'm not asking for it.

On here I'm saying what I would say if I were face to face with someone or with everyone viewing this thread or posting in it. It's the real me, and it feels good to do this.

Just before Thanksgiving of this year, it got to the unbearable point---the isolation. I was scared to install Tapatalk, thinking somebody is tracking me. Then I decided the **** with it. I don't care. So somebody sees I don't have real friends. SO what? This pandemic has made me crave real connections even more, like when you're hungry and you eat something, then feel better.

But with friendships, I'm still hungry. Always searching, always on the look out. Since I've been burned so many times by "friends", I don't trust people right away. They have to earn the trust.

Just got off the phone with one of the volunteers from this non-profit that makes friendly calls to seniors. And I can talk to her way more easily than any "friend". She's way more objective and accepting.

Online I get this more than in real life too.

I don't have any friends to do anything with, neither of those women are people to do that with anymore. Pre-COVID I'd play board games with them, but now I don't even want to do that anymore. One of them is trying to get me to play even though I told her no. She wants what she wants, but I'm fed up with going along with what SHE wants. I guess nobody ever told her growing up you can't always get your way.

I don't want to "relive" those days, as there's no going back now. I don't feel any connection to them, they aren't worth the effort or time anymore. I won't cut them out, but I don't miss them. I don't miss seeing them or talking to them, cause there's not much there to begin with. And this is after years of "knowing" them, of which I feel I don't know them really at all. Neither has opened up much about anything, so it's so superficial.

I didn't grow up with this tech, so I don't know what I would have done without it. That being said, if I were in school when this happened, nobody would be in class. No remote learning in those days, so all grades would be stuck at home.....for 2 years.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by will19

I feel like I'm not good at it myself. I prefer and feel like I do better with live people than online. But having live people in my life isn't feasible right now. Even in having a disagreement, I feel that I can resolve it better in person than online and over the phone. I feel like I'm not great on the phone, either.

I have started some threads on here and did not receive many replies. So that made me feel bad and fearful to try again. And then I worry if someone is going to be upset with me with what I had to say. And I'm hesitant to reply to someone whom I don't agree with because I prefer not to have a confrontation; in which we'd volley back and fourth to each other.

It's fortunate for me that this is a good and safe place to go. I've been on other forums and they were bad. They were judgmental and patronizing. And then there would be the trolls to deal with. There doesn't seem to be trolls on here.

I see you posted while I was just ranting below.

Like you I prefer face to face friends or phone calls. But I just don't have anyone like that now. Before it was flimsy at best.

And I don't start discussions anymore. I tried to do a "buddy read" on a site for bookworms, but nobody responded. (Buddy reading is reading a book with someone, then discussing it afterwards) That was years ago. I also stopped writing reviews because I got so few "likes". I don't even know why that feature is necessary. It isn't good for one's self-esteem. Why do some people get 157 likes and I don't even get ONE? Why spend time writing? I could be reading.

I've seen there's a lot of unanswered threads. I'm NOT undermining you by any means, as it happened to me too. I see it on other sites too.

I avoid sites where one can put a "dislike" or "thumbs down" under one's post. I don't need that. But there's a site where I write reviews of cosmetics. And it has that feature. Some have given me a thumbs down. Not fun, but writing about a lipstick is not like spilling my guts about something.

I've had people respond to me once then never again, on sites. Why reply at all if you're going to not reply anymore? Why act like you want to talk to me, then stop??? I've had that happen in real life, I don't need it on here too.

[East17]

I can relate to being socially awkward online, I also read more than post and only tend to reply if something really resonates with me. I avoid chatrooms because even though I type fast, they still move too quickly for me to keep up. Once the post I wanted to respond to is several pages away, my reply seems irrelevant somehow.

The last two years have been like nothing we've experienced before. I'm guessing that's the same for most people, except perhaps for those who suffer with agoraphobia. I always thought as an introvert, that not going out wouldn't worry me. But I guess it's different when it's imposed upon you and you don't have a choice in the matter.

Forums I think, are best used for one's own purposes. By that I mean don't expect a response (then you can never feel disappointed if you don't get one). Use them as a means to put one's thoughts into some semblance of order. To get thoughts and feelings out of your head and into the written form, where you can re-read and make sense, see things you didn't see before. If someone else responds and offers a different perspective, that's a bonus.

Communicating via zoom on the other hand, is a totally new experience for me, especially doing therapy in that format. I hate 'being seen' in real life, on the screen even more so. Even though we may actually be miles apart, talking to someone via a computer screen seems even more up close and personal than meeting with them in person does.

Like many people, I long for a return to the way things were pre-pandemic, but fear that the way things are is now the 'new normal'. I suppose as a species we will adapt and survive. I don't know if that will be possible for everyone though, myself included.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by will19

I feel like I'm not good at it myself. I prefer and feel like I do better with live people than online. But having live people in my life isn't feasible right now. Even in having a disagreement, I feel that I can resolve it better in person than online and over the phone. I feel like I'm not great on the phone, either.

I have started some threads on here and did not receive many replies. So that made me feel bad and fearful to try again. And then I worry if someone is going to be upset with me with what I had to say. And I'm hesitant to reply to someone whom I don't agree with because I prefer not to have a confrontation; in which we'd volley back and fourth to each other.

It's fortunate for me that this is a good and safe place to go. I've been on other forums and they were bad. They were judgmental and patronizing. And then there would be the trolls to deal with. There doesn't seem to be trolls on here.

I've been on both the receiving and giving end of judgments. I am trying to work on that though. I'm glad you're here and posting what you can! I, too, do better in person than by phone, email, text, or online. There's something more with the nonverbal gesture communication that is less threatening to others whenever we have disagreements than when seeing my words or hearing my phone voice, for some reason.

I've been on those kinds of groups before where they were very judgmental and patronizing. I had to quickly leave such groups. Decades ago, I used to be an admin on one of those groups, but I left. The arguments that some of the admins can get into behind the scenes was pretty narly and hostile.

[SprinkL3]

You all said such wonderful things! I'm going in order that they were posted, or at least trying to, LOL. I'll need to eat something before I return here to reply to each and every one of your responses. You all had such awesome and insightful things to say! I can relate so much to what all of you have said, but I want to re-read your posts/replies to soak it all in - once I curb my hunger, LOL. I feel less alone in this online struggle.

[sarahsweets]

I love this forum and used to mod another defunct one. I try and respond when I feel I have something to add but a lot of times I am blunt or direct and that can put people off. I am exactly the way I am here in real life. I am a talker and friendly and have "friends " all over. By that I mean around town, not someone I would call in the middle of the night.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I love this forum and used to mod another defunct one. I try and respond when I feel I have something to add but a lot of times I am blunt or direct and that can put people off. I am exactly the way I am here in real life. I am a talker and friendly and have "friends " all over. By that I mean around town, not someone I would call in the middle of the night.

I love how real you are, @sarahsweets. I am like a cross-breed between being real and then trying to be politically correct, though I have had epic fail moments when I've accidentally offended someone. I try to learn, but then there are times when I have to express my feelings and set boundaries, which may clash with differing opinions, etc.

It's hard to deal with trauma triggers, too.

For example, there are times I'm totally okay with even subtle religious hints here and there, and there are times when those same things will trigger me so much that it causes me to dissociate or (over)react. I'm not sure how to identify triggers all the time since my triggers change at times, and so I am barely trying to learn now how to deal with triggers after they catch me off guard. I'm also learning more and more about what my triggers are through psychotherapy and tools specifically for dissociative identity disorder. They seem to help, but it's a long journey to recovery and dissociation management.

[InkyTinks]

I find it easier to communicate in writing/typing when I've had time to process what the other person has said and to construct my response.



But as with facial expressions I struggle to pick up the 'tone' unless it's really obvious and tend to only use the really obvious ones as I'm unsure what emotion some of them are meant to be portraying!


By definition Autism is about social skills, relationships and communication...people often assume you can only have it if you have severe learning difficulties too, but thats usually seperate because a child was born with brain damage not because of the effects of autism itself.

Despite making it to university the way the autism has impacted my ability to relate to people and follow social rules has been severe. Without the 'social' masks and daily contact with others at college or work to copy and create a rough 'social template' I really struggle.

But also on some forums and chats if I feel people are wanting to meet in real life it panics me or even chat on phone or video as I lose the ability to speak under pressure. I realise I don't come across as 'as able' face to face as I struggle to walk, speak and eat in front of others.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by InkyTinks

I find it easier to communicate in writing/typing when I've had time to process what the other person has said and to construct my response.

But as with facial expressions I struggle to pick up the 'tone' unless it's really obvious and tend to only use the really obvious ones as I'm unsure what emotion some of them are meant to be portraying!

By definition Autism is about social skills, relationships and communication...people often assume you can only have it if you have severe learning difficulties too, but thats usually seperate because a child was born with brain damage not because of the effects of autism itself.

Despite making it to university the way the autism has impacted my ability to relate to people and follow social rules has been severe. Without the masks and daily contact with others at college or work to copy and create a rough 'social template' I really struggle.

I'm sorry you struggle with the social distancing thing affecting your ability to socialize. Being isolated and masked and distanced all the time, I struggle to socialize properly - online and esp. in person. I tend to be awkward when socially distanced outside with a friend. I don't know what to say because my mind is on all the potential dangers when I'm outside of my apartment. But online is not the same thing as real life, and so there's only so much you can read into words. The Zoom and Facetime and video health features help a little more, but the screen lighting is really tough on eyes and makes socializing like workplace meetings - somewhat more high-maintenance than what we are accustomed to. You also don't know if anyone is recording their time with you, which is unlike having more private conversations in person. All of that makes it more tough to socialize.

Having mental illnesses also makes it a challenge. For you it is autism, for me it is a bunch of things ranging from my DID to my PTSD to my OCD and more. I also struggle with energy, as I fatigue easily, so I can't stand or sit for too long, nor can I deal with lengthy conversations in real life. I deal better with reading, but not always. And I'm somewhat of a hypocrite because I tend to be very verbose online but more succinct in person.

[downandlonely]

In some ways communicating online is easier for me, because offline I tend to speak without thinking and can say things that end up unintentionally hurting others. Online, it takes a bit longer to type, so sometimes I reflect and decide not to post what I was originally planning too.

Of course, it's harder in other ways because we don't have the nonverbal cues. I find it almost impossible to detect sarcasm through text alone (without tone of voice and facial expressions).

I really enjoy zoom groups because I can get the auditory and visual communication without having to drive anywhere or wear a mask.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @SprinkL3 I think you are great on this forum and you and I have become friends and I am glad.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @SprinkL3 I think you are great on this forum and you and I have become friends and I am glad.

*I'm blushing*

Thank you, @sarahsweets

[InkyTinks]

years ago I knew a young girl from South Africa..I met her in a support group for a condition I had been diagnosed with (incorrectly it seems many years later!) ..but we chatted every night..she was mostly bedbound and dependant on elderly parents... and one sibling who didn't have the same genetic condition (sadly her eldest brother also had it and was also in a wheelchair)..we had the best chats entirely by typing ..sometimes very deep and meaningful stuff you'd never talk about in 'everyday chit chat' ..I do miss her ..as sadly she passed away as their condition was progressive (her brother did too..before she did).

I've never felt that level of connection since. Everyone these days wants video chats face-to-face or phone calls and between the autism, SM and social phobia's it leaves me unable to express myself properly so no-one gets to see 'the real me' which I feel comes out better in written language as it seems to be 'my special ability' or something!