[pachyderm]

Is the Culture of Mother's Day Changing? | Psychology Today

On Mother’s Day, a commercialised, saccharine day in which we are sold an image of maternal perfection, many people will feel less-than. There will be those whose mothers failed to live up to this idealistic image of selfless dedication, and mothers who violated it entirely. There will be mothers who won’t receive a card, gifts, or phone calls, just as there will be those who receive gestures that feel empty or rushed. Like many commercialised holidays, feelings of bitterness, resentment, and sadness can linger: It is all too easy to feel like everyone else is having a better, “normal” experience: that everyone else is having the kind of day you should be having.

And yet, Mother’s Day is changing too.

[Fuzzybear]

Idealistic image of selfless dedication.. mothers who violated it entirely.....

[downandlonely]

My mom never wanted to be a mother, and told me this early on. It makes Mothers Day challenging for me. But I remember one year, both my brothers kept bugging me until I called her. It seems ridiculous and artificial to thank someone for doing something she never wanted to do.

I'm grateful that I (and other women in my generation) feel more empowered to choose not to have children rather than have them even though we don't want them.

Also, I hear it is Mother's Day tomorrow in the UK, but it won't come to the US until May.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Mother's Day tomorrow will be a terrible day for me.

[eskielover]

I didn't want to be a mom, but I managed a way to be mom, get my BS degree & hold down a computer engineering career. Though it was actually done with the help of my own mom. She was a much better grandma than she was a mom. I didn't want to be a mom because I didn't want to be like her... but so thankful she was a good grandma who was there for my daughter when I couldn't be. I however was the one my daughter always came to to help solve problems that were beyond what she could deal with. Our relationship isn't close like some but we get along & she understands exactly why I left her dad while I leave her own opinion of him alone. Sometimes a balanced relationship doesn't mean a close one & sometimes we just need to be satisfied with what it is rather than fighting to change it

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I didn't want to be a mom, but I managed a way to be mom, get my BS degree & hold down a computer engineering career. Though it was actually done with the help of my own mom. She was a much better grandma than she was a mom. I didn't want to be a mom because I didn't want to be like her... but so thankful she was a good grandma who was there for my daughter when I couldn't be. I however was the one my daughter always came to to help solve problems that were beyond what she could deal with. Our relationship isn't close like some but we get along & she understands exactly why I left her dad while I leave her own opinion of him alone. Sometimes a balanced relationship doesn't mean a close one & sometimes we just need to be satisfied with what it is rather than fighting to change it

So true. I'm trying to lower my expectations of my mom. She's not going to suddenly decide she loves being a mom. I try to see her more of a friend at this point.

[Marie123]

I made a vow to never be like my mother, and then I realized......I was nothing like her, and stopped the cycle of violence

[downandlonely]

Glad to here that @Marie123!

[ArtleyWilkins]

I was very blessed with a wonderful mom; she wasn't perfect, but she was worthy of honoring each and every day - not just one day a year. I credit her and my dad with making me the parent that I am, and I am a pretty good parent.

I know of several people who honor the women in their life who are their "moms" because their own weren't good parents. Fortunately, they have found people in their life that feel nurturing and loving to them, like they would want a mother to be.

But my mom passed 5 years ago, and last Mother's Day here in the U.S., my husband died from Covid. I don't think Mother's Day will ever really feel like Mother's Day again for me. Even though the date moves slightly each year, having that association in my mind probably will never quite go away.

[downandlonely]

Well we got through the UK Mother's Day!

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

So true. I'm trying to lower my expectations of my mom. She's not going to suddenly decide she loves being a mom. I try to see her more of a friend at this point.

I no longer have a mom or a dad. Do I miss them?....yes. Is my life less stressful without them?....yes.
Sometimes we don't feel that trade-off until after they are gone

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by Marie123

I made a vow to never be like my mother, and then I realized......I was nothing like her, and stopped the cycle of violence

Good for you!

My mom was never physically violent. She does have a tendency to say whatever she's thinking (hence why she told me that she didn't want kids).

Unfortunately, I think I am somewhat like her in that way. I don't have children, but I often don't think before I speak and say hurtful things. This is a pattern I am working on breaking.

[MuseumGhost]

My Mother's Days have been tough for the last 38 years. I lost my Mom when I was 24. We'd had a sandpaper-y relationship. She wasn't abusive; just rather distant.

She DID try very hard, when she knew she only had so many months to live, to fix what had been missing for so long. And, in large part, she succeeded.

So, Mother's Day for me is bittersweet: a powerful mixture of sorrow and loneliness.

I've never had children of my own, but I love them and they seem to really like me. So there is that aspect to it, as well---wondering, "What if? Would I have been a good Mom?".

[downandlonely]

I fear I would resent children I had. I do like children, but not full time.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I fear I would resent children I had. I do like children, but not full time.

I am not a kid person either. Some people swarm around babies....I am usually OK looking at them from a distance.....but give me a kitten, puppy, or foal, I am right there. Looking back I do feel bad for my daughter cause I was not one of those moms that was attracted so uncontrollably to my baby. But I was getting my degree & aiming for a computer engineering career so she wasn't a full focus of my life. That was just the opposite of my mom, but I worked hard not to be like my mom cause I didn't like how she was. Think as moms, we are always learning & making mistakes but trying to be good at the way we perceive we want to be (which is lacking) & that perpetuates our kids doing the same when/if they have kids. My daughter was actually good with kids but never had any of her own

[Nammu]

My grandmother was very strict and very German. My mom was anxious, nervous and focused on cleaning, I was good the first three years then got too sick and was absent, my daughter is a wonderful mother but maybe to lenient. Interesting 🤔

…also my grandma had 8 kids, my mum 3, me 1, my daughter 2. My grandma was 19, mum 19, me 24, daughter 31. I think that makes a huge difference.

[downandlonely]

I can't imagine having a child as a teenager, but that used to be common. My grandmother was married at 17 and had her first child at 18. She had seven children. My mom was 26 and had three.