Catastrophic turns

It’ll be hard to write my past 3.5 day saga, let alone capture it, so I’ll just keep spare as I can.

Tuesday AM: I woke feeling very bad, dissociative and ‘off’ in a bad way for me, thinking I might need a hospital. Tried to carry on: AM routine, kids to school, went to work, crying/shakey off and on.

Got to work, incapacitated, told supervisor/friend, can’t drive, called friend.
Brain dysfunction, arms and legs feel off, not in sync, can’t use ATM machine without freezing, multiple errors. Dropped off at hospital and couldn’t find way in, multiple errors. Thought “okay I’m finally gonna be psych hospitalized.” Never have been yet. I work in one though. Groups therapist.

ER Attending’s decision: Don’t get sectioned, no psychiatric evaluation, refer to trauma-focused partial hospitalization at McLean, and clear all medical.
Outcome: I have dissociation, depersonalization (new vocabulary word), and brain tumor, rare type, stuck as fk near brain stem. Benign type but hard to remove without facial paralysis (and assoc disfigurement), ataxia and/or total deafness, or, less likely (4 in 48 in one study), death. Discharged ER midnight and took taxi.

Told work Weds AM.

Thursday AM: While in Uber to get car at workplace they ask to meet, like now. Go in to: Boss, supervisor/friend, director HR. Fired on the spot due to “unreliable attendance and incomplete note writing”. Not one mention of my daunting diagnosis they heard about 30 hours prior. Not one well wish, any kind. Worked there 2.5 yrs, all through pandemic with my kids failing school in quarantine. I gave my whole heart to patients, unfailingly open, creative and real.

Friday AM, my family MD called while reading ER reports, “concerned” where my kids were during all this. I say: “at home, contact by phone, Ubereats supper, friend on standby.” Not good enough. Words from her like: “unsafe, danger, what-if, custody, DCFS,” and references to my, traumatic, horrifying 5-yr divorce from 2nd abusive spouse: physician covert narcissist (where I fought off allegations of hacking, stalking, corporate theft, neglect, extortion and insanity with fbi, police, dcfs, restraining order against me, 3 visits to state Supreme Court, and finally left penniless, in debt, in a 1-bed flat, me and 2 kids). So, terrorstruck, I just toe the line with MD: “yes, of course, you’re right, I see, I promise”. My kids are 13 and 15 years old. (Adult kid w autism lives separately nearby).

Last night: I hear from coworker that supervisor/friend(/backstabber) who’ve I’ve done innumerable kindnesses for, rides to PT for her injury, rides home due to weather, hugs and texts through her cancer scare, concussion, consoled tears, and encouragement to pursue administration. Built her up, spoke well of her to higher ups, etc. She’s tossed out / given away my extensive stuff without sentiment, barred my coworkers from connecting with me, forbade them to meet me for drinks to say goodbye. I believe she doesn’t want them to know about brain tumor hours before firing. They don’t. So I’m shunned. Cancelled.

I will pursue no legal recourse anywhere. Legal abuse trauma history. So nope.

And now I’m semi here. Very, very small. Very very stunned. Semi-tending house, surrounded by ruin. 55 y.o.. All in 3.5 days. How…. Why….

That is horrific. I am not sure how to respond.

Seems clear that your work fired you because of the tumor (maybe because they don't want to deal with missed days or paying for treatment).

Also, a 13 and 15 year old are perfectly capable of staying home by themselves. I was doing that when I was 10 and nothing happened (that was in the 90s, which was a less paranoid era though).

I have no children, so no experience with custody battles, but I just can't imagine all the anxiety you must be dealing with.

I just want you to know I'm reading along, and you have my compassion.

Thank you so very much. Your compassion is greatly received and your validating reality, well, validating. 🙏💛

That's horrible I'm not sure how to respond but I noticed that you (so far) only have one reply. You have my compassion. Thanks for being here, your presence is appreciated

Kindest thanks! 🌷🌈💛🙏💖

I guess it’s a lot to unpack and I’ve wanted to update.

Regarding work, I’ve spoken to my children about seeing setbacks as opportunities to assess, and that actually there have been ways in which this job wasn’t matching who and how I am. I struggled before the brain tumor, obviously. I’m coming to terms that the psych challenges I experience make the job a lot harder for me and it ends up taking too much. I’ve been fired before for poor reliability and the fact I forget stuff. I’m so tired. I’m forming new goals based on balance, and prioritizing my daughters and relationships. I need a work that works with me. I don’t think I’ll do professional work anymore. I’m going to try a new plan. That hurts in a lot of ways bc I’ll be abandoning goals perhaps, like buying a property. But better to be who I am so I can work well and love well.

My kids know little about the tumor, just I have a thing that might need a surgery. And honestly I don’t even know enough, except it’s causing some of my symptoms like tinnitus and hearing loss and headaches, and it’s hard to get out. The upside to facing your mortality is deciding what’s most important and I want to open my whole heart to that.

The friend I wrote off. Unfortunately she didn’t really exist. I’m getting a new MD, who’s more low-key and sees my mom. I decided the job needed to end, and while my disability insurance might be nice right now I’m unable to litigate that so I’ve let it go. I feel hopeful the right solutions will appear and that I can turn this for good.

I’m grateful for every person in my life, and that they found the tumor, and that I got onto this site right before my life crumbled again. It’s so hard. Life is so hard. But I’m in it. I want to stay in this comedy tragedy as long as I can, and love the people and world around me as much as I can. That’s all any of us want in the end.

Your taking a moment to share your compassion, and watching you do that daily Fuzzybear, means a great deal to me and to many more than me. 👏💛🙏🌷🌈💖

And I bought life insurance during the pandemic, 500k worth. Given I’m uninsurable now, I’m pretty damn grateful for that too. I can’t express the pain and worry I’d be feeling now. All single parents with abusive ex-partners need life insurance. That’s a huge safety net for my kids now.