[WastingAsparagus]

Hi all,

I thought I'd post here about a tricky problem I have been having for a few years now.

I can't "make up my mind" about things.

I put it in quotation marks because technically, I don't know what making up my mind means.

For example, in college, I dropped out of a few classes. The sentiment then by the mental health professionals I was seeing was that I was being "impulsive."

However, I am having trouble drawing the line between what is impulsive behavior and what is just me having trouble making up my mind about things.

An example of something I can't seem to make my mind up about is which psychiatrist to see. I know it's a problem that many don't have, as they may only have one psychiatrist available or through their insurance or however one comes across finding a psychiatirst.

But it just seems to plague me - this problem. It seems to be a bad thing no matter how many times I "make up my mind." I always "change" my mind about things. Then I end up feeling bad about myself for having changed my mind "yet again." So, does anyone have any thoughts on this? I have personally thought for a long time that it's just a lack of trust on my part. Like either I don't trust myself or I don't trust others enough. Or sometimes I've thought I just want others to make decisions for me (yet this is kind of a chilling prospect)...

Any insight would be much appreciated.

[Yaowen]

I wish I could help, but unfortunately I don't have enough insight and wisdom to offer advice that you could really rely upon.

Like you, I also change my mind a lot and have trouble making up my mind about things. But in my case, [NOT suggesting this is what is going on in your case!] my problem stems from a perfectionist attitude.

For whatever reason, I grew up strongly believing that the only really good solution would be a perfect or ideal solution. For that reason, I never really developed a sense of "good enough." For me, "good enough" is only to be found in the perfect or near perfect solution.

Perfectionism can paralyze me. In weighing the pros and cons of options I hesitate for fear of not making the perfect or near perfect choice. It is like I regard failing to make the perfect choice as proof that I am a bad person or defective.

This leads to me to procrastinate and second-guess myself and have regrets about decisions I made that were not perfect or nearly perfect. It leads me to having a real fear, anxiety and dread of making decisions sometimes.

A psychiatrist once shared this quotation with me: "The perfect is the enemy of the good." When I asked her to explain this, she said: "Sometimes people wait so long to do something that they miss out on doing anything that might improve their lives. Waiting for conditions where one can be sure of making the ideal choice often is the worse choice since one ends up paralyzed by indecision. So it becomes like a trap. One is afraid of making the wrong choice and hates oneself for it or one dares to choose in the face of uncertainty and sometimes makes the wrong choice and then hates oneself for doing that. Feeling trapped tends to be a recipe for depression."

So this psychiatrist dared me to be average. Weight pros and cons and make a decision. If the decision is good, congratulate yourself, if it is bad treat it as a learning experience and move on.
Failure doesn't mean you are a failure she told me. None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, perfect beings. In the quest to better ourselves we are bound to make mistakes. The trick is to learn from them and not be demoralized by them.
Good judgement, she said is the result of experience, but unfortunately experience is often the result of bad judgement. I think there is a Mark Twain quote about this.

Please do not think that I am describing your situation. I am absolutely NOT in your shoes. There are probably many possible causes for what you are experiencing and I am NOT saying you are a perfectionist!!!

Since I am not a medical professional, I am totally unqualified to offer you advice. Totally. I can only share my situation and what has helped me.

One thing about this site is that many people read the posts here and not just the person who posted it. So maybe my situation is totally irrelevant to your situation, but perhaps someone else might be helped in some way if they share my problem.

So my deepest apologies to you if what I have written has been a total waste of time for you! Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really helpful to you personally.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[downandlonely]

I have a lot of trouble with impulsivity and also being paralyzed with indecision. I like @Yaowen's post. I think perfectionism could be at the root of it for me too.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with the psychiatrist in this context. ''The perfect is the enemy of the good''....

[eskielover]

Learned to weigh out my options, pros, cons, think something through, talk to the people involved if necessary, make my choice & go with it. Sit on my decision for a day or so & if I still feel at peace with it I go with my decision.

I am a lower level perfectionist. I always felt if I did my best & came up short of perfect, I was still doing a lot better than those who aimed at mediocrity & fell short of that. Graduating with a 3.25 GPA was a lot better than some & not as good as others but I had my career job offer before I graduated with my BS degree. That was the success I wanted.

When I came to KY for 2 weeks, I knew if I didn't buy a farm when I was here, I would go back to CA & end up staying trapped in my bad marriage & lose all the money I had. Only choices were the farms in my price range that were on the RE market at the time. I bought the one I liked even if not as practical as the others....I liked the location. Decided, made the offer & bought my farm. That was 15 years ago & best quick decision I ever made in my life.

Many things I do talk over with my trusted friends just to get input I might have overlooked. I know who I can trust now & years of making big decisions on my own have built up my own confidence in myself.