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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 09:37 PM
  #21
You did not kill Ebony honey. You held her as she slipped away so the last thing she knew was your love
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 09:44 PM
  #22
Just read this article and thought it fit here.

I’ve Been Skipping Christmas For Over A Decade. Here’s Why It Brings Me Comfort And Joy.
I’ve Been Skipping Christmas For Over A Decade. Here’s Why It Brings Me Comfort And Joy. | HuffPost HuffPost Personal
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 11:23 PM
  #23
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In the last three years I have faced four deaths, both my parents and my mother in law and earlier this year my father in law. Every one was “special” to me. I was close with my mother in law, she was like a second mom and a wonderful person. My father in law was also very good to me and a very nice man and passed only a few months ago.

What I experienced the last few years of my parents lives was just so horrible that it deeply traumatized me and I am not the same person. I feel very damaged. Too many losses too close together, too many empty chairs and I am too broken hearted to do Christmas. I miss being able to pick up the phone and being able to talk to them.

It’s only been about two weeks now since the long toxic battle with my older sister finally finished. I feel like it took so much out of me that I am exhausted in ways that I sleep a lot. My long battle with my sister was toxic til the very end, she is by far the most toxic person I have dealt with in my life. And, that’s another death because what she showed me was not at all the person I had in my mind of her. I loved her and she turned out to be such a horrible cruel person. This is a very different kind of grief and I’m not sure how that grieve it.

It’s all to raw and painful right now, I don’t want to do Christmas, I can barely do a day without feeling exhausted. 😪

I'm so, so sorry for your losses, OE. Perhaps the loss of your relationship with your sister is the worst loss of all, in a certain way.

I had a decade of my life in my 40's in which I was walloped by death. My parents, in-laws, all of my aunts and uncles, all of my husband's aunts and uncles, my last remaining grandparent, several suicides, cousins that died far too young, the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy, and a list of beloved pets. I literally felt like I was cursed; in fact, I'm still not at all sure I wasn't, to be honest. I've never recovered from it all.

Do you have ways of healing, of recovering?

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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 11:46 PM
  #24
There is a song in Yiddish, @eskielover, and a line of it sang through my mind as I finished reading your post. In English it translates to a blessing on your head, mazel tov, mazel tov...

(mazel tov meaning "congratulations").

It's difficult to explain exactly but, essentially, the idea is that you have had a blessing fall upon you and are to be congratulated.

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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 11:52 PM
  #25
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I’m no longer alone but some of my favorite Christmas eves were in Texas. I’d clean the apartment from top to bottom. Put my angels out and a tree up. Take a very long hot soak in the tub get my dress up silk pj on throw the last of the stuff into the washer. And put on my favorite DVDs. It was just me and Sir. I have a hard time saying no and most of my Christmas days were spent with various friends. Because I’m a good cook I was often the main cook. I’d say the most awful holidays were the ones where I was homeless or hospitalized. Nothing worse than institutionalized cheer.

It sounds like you've had quite a range of Christmas experiences, Nammu. I used to like cleaning on Christmas, it was a terrific way to bring in the new year, a sparkling clean home!

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 12:11 AM
  #26
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Thank you so much, *Beth*, for opening up the conversation. You have a gift for making people feel they're really being heard, and understood.

You're welcome, MG. I believe it is absolutely essential that no one ever, for any reason, about anything, thinks "I am the only one." Because no one ever is.

I feel for you and for your friend, Mark. He has endured an awfully lonely existence, and battled against it for a long time. He must feel exhausted, and is despairing. He is very lucky to have you in his corner!

Yes. Mark was lonely in a crowd when we were kids. I was touched that he turned to me, yes - but more than that, I was relieved that he turned to me. He sounded frightening that night, as close to stepping off as I've ever heard anyone sound. He wasn't making much sense. I've lost a scary number of high school friends that way.

Sometimes, just a smile can make all the difference to someone's day.

That is so true. And sometimes, just a smile or a kind word can turn a day around and save a life. Yes, we are that powerful.

(((Huggggs)))

(*(*(MG)*)*)
~~~~~~~~~

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 12:18 AM
  #27
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@*Beth* thank you for starting this thread, you have been an amazing host and are gifted at making others feel welcome and safe to share.

I really needed to talk about how I am struggling without being told not to feel.

I believe that the Universe has blessed each one of us with feelings. It is a sickness when we are told by someone that we cannot communicate our feelings.

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 12:28 AM
  #28
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I tend to work every christmas

That way, if bosses allowed, anyone with young kids could spend more of christmas day with their little ones

Christmas day itself is a depressing time for me when i not at work, gives my brain the opening he needs, to start trying to make more traumas cause he loves accusing me of killing sweetpea Ebony cause i held her as she was dying, march 2018

My heart and soul hurt for you sooo much, wt. I can't talk about it, but can only say, "I know." And mostly You are not, not, not alone. Never alone.

My favorite Christmases ever were the ones when I worked in the cafe. I worked very hard, everyone was merry, laughing, singing. It truly was like a pretty greeting card that sparkled with glitter. I made lots of tips Outside was cold and grey, but inside, the cafe was steamy and warm and filled with happy people. I know, wt...when we work on Christmas it takes our minds off of things we'd rather not dwell upon

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 04:36 AM
  #29
I wish something good could of come out of Ebonys death, i not sure if giving Willow a home cause she was long term in rescue, was enough to cancel out the bad

Something that crops up every winter

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 04:37 AM
  #30
@lizardlady thanks for the article. I think it’s an important message saying it’s ok to create ones own way of celebrating the holiday without some kind of guilt if one doesn’t have a traditional romanticized ideal that the holiday was expected to be.

The truth is the holiday has been taken over and used for marketing and consumption rather than creating a way of celebrating in what ever way someone chooses.
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 05:36 PM
  #31
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I wish something good could of come out of Ebonys death, i not sure if giving Willow a home cause she was long term in rescue, was enough to cancel out the bad

Something that crops up every winter

Sighs

I wish I had answers for you. I ask the same questions about mine. All I can say is that deep in my very soul I have the strongest feeling that it's all the way it should be

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 05:44 PM
  #32
I'm also not sure if it's "normal" to feel bad when christmas lights are on, as a kid I found the whole Christmas thing exciting but as a adult the christmas lights etc have caused me to feel bad and i don't know why
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:02 PM
  #33
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..
The truth is the holiday has been taken over and used for marketing and consumption rather than creating a way of celebrating in what ever way someone chooses.

How true. And who turned it into marketing and consumption? Greedy people selling the Hallmark greeting card 'perfect holiday family' image, pushing it, advertising it, until it had permeated society to the point at which anyone who believed they didn't fit "the image" felt like a loser. Alone, ashamed, withdrawn, depressed. It's become a sickness. I'm struggling with it myself.

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:08 PM
  #34
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I'm also not sure if it's "normal" to feel bad when christmas lights are on, as a kid I found the whole Christmas thing exciting but as a adult the christmas lights etc have caused me to feel bad and i don't know why
It seems that (for whatever reason) not everyone cares for the usual holiday displays, music, etc. I will neither confirm nor deny that I had anything to do with creating the attached image.

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File Type: jpg HumbugSmall.jpg (38.6 KB, 6 views)
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:12 PM
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I'm also not sure if it's "normal" to feel bad when christmas lights are on, as a kid I found the whole Christmas thing exciting but as a adult the christmas lights etc have caused me to feel bad and i don't know why

As a kid I loved the whole season, now the depression is so severe I'm maxed out on several medications. I do like the lights, but every single bit of the rest of it is torture. All I can think of is spring. Maybe you're having seasonal depression wt?

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:15 PM
  #36
What is it with that mariah carey (spelling) song this year anyways? Everyone round here seems obsessed with playing it "all i want for Christmas is youuuuuu" all i want for christmas is earplugs .....

Call me Scrooge
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:16 PM
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As a kid I loved the whole season, now the depression is so severe I'm maxed out on several medications. I do like the lights, but every single bit of the rest of it is torture. All I can think of is spring. Maybe you're having seasonal depression wt?
Possibly seasonal depression, the song i said doesnt help .....
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:19 PM
  #38
According to someone on the radio, only bats can make a higher pitched noise than mariah carey
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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 08:38 PM
  #39
This thread has me right now.....

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 09:15 PM
  #40
I was always on the look out for unique Christmas decorations and one year I found this absolutely gorgeous banister evergreen with different birds on it. The birds tweeted three Christmas songs. Not having a banister I hung it over my large picture window. BUT, I couldn’t play the birds because it drove Sir absolutely wild. The birds looked real and when they tweeted he kept trying to jump up and attack them. That was one wild 5 minutes until I turned off the sound! never mix cat and birds at Christmas!

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…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
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