Can We Talk About This? (It's the Season)

MuseumGhost · Dec 13, 2022 at 10:59 PM

Dear Willowtigger,

It's awesome that you take-on extra work hours, so that people can be with family. That's really wonderful.

I find I am having some surprisingly mixed feelings about doing the decorating, this year (and I have never done that). It appears I'm having some new, perhaps mildly resentful, relationship with all the fuss and all the trimmings. Husband rarely helps unless I prod him into it. And yet he knows full well what kind of physical problems I've been having. (There, I think I've nailed it, right there!) I am tired of being the only elf in the house.

And, yes, the Mariah Carey screechy song must finally go. I refuse to listen to the radio, this year---I'm only streaming music that I want to hear! (Yes, and earplugs have been a sanity saver for me, several times in the past.)

Sending (((hugggggs))).

MuseumGhost · Dec 13, 2022 at 11:07 PM

Dear *Beth*,

I do that, too----jump ahead in my thoughts, and focus on the next big GOOD thing that's going to happen. It can get us through an awful lot, looking forward to something else.

Your description of working in a cafe at this time of year sounds really fun and satisfying. I had a job like that, long ago, that I adored. It was a very simple little gourmet shop close to where we lived, in a genteel old neighborhood not far from the College. It, too, became a sparkly, friendly, warm little place to be at Christmas. We carried lines of beautiful imported items, like biscuits from England and sauces from France. It always smelled of great coffee, spices, and whatever was being prepared for the small deli, in the back. It was tiny, but it was festive.

Great memories. Thanks for the reminder!

nonightowl · Dec 14, 2022 at 01:26 PM

To those of you I’ve already talked to about this know my sentiments and situation. I see a few familiar members.

I will say that the stupid senior center is having this holiday movie showing and they had the GALL to say we can bring UP to 3 guests to ENJOY this event. Gosh I don’t even have one person to bring, yet can’t imagine having to pick out of my hypothetical 35 friends and family to choose 3 people. Why do they expect us to have all these people in our lives?? Or assume we do?! That was the final nail in the coffin.

The holidays start around Halloween here. The Christmas stuff is out next to the Halloween stuff and I’ve gotten Christmas catalogs as early as June or July!

I’ve posted in a similar thread, titled something like Most and least favorite holiday. Mostly it’s just myself and another member talking. If I figure out how to post a link I’ll do it later. I forgot and it’s harder on a phone.

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Dec 14, 2022 at 02:29 PM

Can the staff from here ban that mariah carey screechy song?

it was on the radio (again) earlier and i still have a headache from it

nonightowl · Dec 14, 2022 at 02:54 PM

I haven’t heard that screechy song but I don’t listen to stations that play holiday music or anything from her era or newer. In general I like her but don’t like screaming or screechy of any kind, whether from a singer or tires on the road!

And as soon as I do hear a holiday song I can’t change the station fast enough. Everybody throws in a holiday song sooner or later.

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*Beth* · Dec 14, 2022 at 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

Dear *Beth*,

I do that, too----jump ahead in my thoughts, and focus on the next big GOOD thing that's going to happen. It can get us through an awful lot, looking forward to something else.

Your description of working in a cafe at this time of year sounds really fun and satisfying. I had a job like that, long ago, that I adored. It was a very simple little gourmet shop close to where we lived, in a genteel old neighborhood not far from the College. It, too, became a sparkly, friendly, warm little place to be at Christmas. We carried lines of beautiful imported items, like biscuits from England and sauces from France. It always smelled of great coffee, spices, and whatever was being prepared for the small deli, in the back. It was tiny, but it was festive.

Great memories. Thanks for the reminder!

Yes! Your shop job sounds so similar. Genteel old neighborhood, one block from a college that is nearly 100 years old. That cafe was a gathering place for artists, musicians, poets, literaries...in fact, the cafe has found its way into a number of published novels.

The owner finally decided to retire after 40 years in business. An enormous loss to the infamous NorCal world of indie coffeehouses. Bit by bit, they have closed, then covid smashed them to bits - the very few that were left.

To my knowledge, which I believe is correct, only one original remains, the Cafe Trieste, located in San Francisco's fabulous North Beach district. Many a book of Beat literature was penned there, and a few successful screenplays, as well. I've had afternoons at the Trieste, sitting alone for hours at a tiny table, my back against a warm wall, squished on both sides by other cafe patrons, listening to the music of several languages being spoken, sneaking a few hungry gazes at the (quite!) gorgeous (they always are, somehow) Italian man working the espresso machine, basking in the steamy warmth of the place inside from the chill of the SF fog cupping my hands around my warm cappuccino mug...oh, I could live there. And a funny thing: in the center of the cafe stands a phone booth. With a quite-functioning telephone inside. The Madonna, herself.

nonightowl · Dec 14, 2022 at 04:31 PM

There’s a lot of holiday talk in this thread too, in case anyone is interested. It’s mostly just myself and Rdgrad:

Most and least favorite holiday

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*Beth* · Dec 14, 2022 at 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

To those of you I’ve already talked to about this know my sentiments and situation. I see a few familiar members.

I will say that the stupid senior center is having this holiday movie showing and they had the GALL to say we can bring UP to 3 guests to ENJOY this event. Gosh I don’t even have one person to bring, yet can’t imagine having to pick out of my hypothetical 35 friends and family to choose 3 people. Why do they expect us to have all these people in our lives?? Or assume we do?! That was the final nail in the coffin.

The holidays start around Halloween here. The Christmas stuff is out next to the Halloween stuff and I’ve gotten Christmas catalogs as early as June or July!

I’ve posted in a similar thread, titled something like Most and least favorite holiday. Mostly it’s just myself and another member talking. If I figure out how to post a link I’ll do it later. I forgot and it’s harder on a phone.

I understand, owl. I do. The hurt and the absurdity. The bitterness that seeps in. I'm struggling with those feelings a lot this season. Frankly, it's scaring me. I do not want my life to spiral down into being a withdrawn, bitter old woman, filled with regrets, rotten at the core.

I don't want my last thoughts and my last breath to be that way.

Comparison. When we compare "me" to "you" we have immediately bought trouble. Example: The second you mentioned "phone" given the crap state I've been in this season, my thought was, "What's she complaining about?! I don't even own a decent cell phone! The only thing I can use my old pos phone for is a roadside emergency! Not only can't I afford one, I wouldn't know how to use it if I could afford one! Boy, how I'd love to be able to take pictures like everyone else does with a phone. But no! I can't, because I don't have a phone! And it's so embarrassing, too. Sheesh, that owl sure doesn't count her blessings!"

See how fast comparisons can get really, really ugly? Envy just bursts forth and bang! I'm all bitter and nasty and my night is ruined and just forget it all because who cares, I might as well die, it all stinks.

And I sit here feeling awful. This is most definitely not how I want to feel.

Am I making sense at all?

*Beth* · Dec 14, 2022 at 08:05 PM

I used to enjoy holiday music very much, but only pre...I don't know exactly which year. Older holiday music. I guess around WWII and back to classical. As much as I absolutely love, love my magnificent rock I can't tolerate contemporary holiday music. The Eagles music sends me over the moon with joy, but their Christmas stuff...rubbish. Fabricated. Even they likely hate it, poor dears.

Thankfully Led Zeppelin never cut a Christmas album.

rdgrad15 · Dec 15, 2022 at 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rechu

I was thinking of starting a thread for people having at tough time around the holidays, but since I saw your thread, it makes more sense to post here.

I am dreading the holiday season this year. Definitely feeling very "Bah Humbug". Relations with my family of origin are tense to non-existent, to put it nicely. I reached a breaking point earlier this year with them where I just could not deal with all their crap any more.

Similarly, my husband does not have a close relationship with his biological family. He was raised by his godmother, who passed away when he was 18 or 19.

I from the U.S. but live in South America. Christmas and New Year's Eve are always oppressively hot because it is summer, which I never seem to get fully used to.

Here Christmas, in particular, is very much a family holiday. So, in my case it is just me and my husband. The big meal is the evening of Christmas Eve. We usually cook something special and buy some good wine.

Where we used to live, we would get together with our neighbor friends for New Year's Eve. Unfortunately we are kind of far to go into the city now because we had to move to be able to purchase a home. Driving on New Year's Eve is never the greatest idea and the security situation in this country is such that driving late at night is not particularly safe. Staying somewhere in the city isn't a great option either, because the dogs would be alone for a long time. So, I guess it will just be us at home too.

All the imagery of these happy families celebrating this time of year definitely grates on my nerves.

At least we gave ourselves a little treat and bought a new grill as our Christmas present. I am sure we will grill something tasty on it for Christmas Eve.

Hugs to everyone that is having a rough time during the holidays!

I agree with you, I'm not a big fan of the holidays and I've talked about that in some threads I created as well. The feelings of loneliness some people may feel due to not having family or friends may be too much to bear and feels like a slap in the face, others may just not like feeling obligated. No one likes forced family interactions, it doesn't even come off as genuine and I've frequently heard adults outright admit they can't wait for the holidays to be over. In fact when January comes, I've always noticed people's moods seem increase and there seems to be a silent collective sigh of relief and like I said many adults will come right out and say they are so glad it's over and things are back to normal which is how I feel too.

rechu · Dec 15, 2022 at 07:25 AM

Thanks RDGrad. You definitely understand.

My husband's work just announced a Christmas get-together at a restaurant at a mall on December 22nd. He tried to suggest they move it into January because going to a mall a few days before Christmas is chaos. Just finding a parking space is a challenge. No one else wants to change it, so he is considering not going. It just sounds too stressful. We try to avoid most malls/stores that time of year.

rdgrad15 · Dec 15, 2022 at 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rechu

Thanks RDGrad. You definitely understand.

My husband's work just announced a Christmas get-together at a restaurant at a mall on December 22nd. He tried to suggest they move it into January because going to a mall a few days before Christmas is chaos. Just finding a parking space is a challenge. No one else wants to change it, so he is considering not going. It just sounds too stressful. We try to avoid most malls/stores that time of year.

Yeah I hate going to to stores during the holidays, that's why I do most shopping online and I already finished buying stuff so I don't have to worry about the crowds. January would be the perfect time to have a holiday get together, some people are very stuck in their ways and don't want to move it no matter what. Even though it may be sort of late, I know one place that actually had a holiday related get together in February once things really died down. January and February are known for being very boring and dull so that time frame is perfect for any kind of get togethers and shopping, in fact January is actually considered the best time to buy stuff since there happens to be lots of sales right after the holidays but naturally most people don't want to be bothered because by that point people have moved on and are probably either looking forward to Valentine's Day or Spring.

lizardlady · Dec 15, 2022 at 10:29 AM

Quote:

Thankfully Led Zeppelin never cut a Christmas album.

Oh Beth just imagining this cracks me up!

Nammu · Dec 15, 2022 at 10:50 AM

On my mum’s side of the family the family get to gather was the weekend after Christmas. Everyone bought their gifts at the half off after Christmas bargains. But that was back in the 60’s and 70’s it didn’t seem like the mad house it is today. Black Friday wasn’t such a huge mess either. After the 80’s things tapered off. Now there no big family get to get hers as everyone is stretched out across the states. I look at photos of those times amazed. The smoking! The dangers!

*Beth* · Dec 15, 2022 at 10:54 AM

My pain is that I used to love this season. I won't go into it before I was an adult with my own family because that gets long. So, I'm referring to the time before older family members hadn't died and my husband and children were together. My mother, daughter, and son would visit the crowded mall, or only my daughter and I would shop together. It was so exciting! We'd go many times during the season and it was a great, big party. Even the challenge of parking was fun. We'd listen to music on the car radio while cruising around the lot searching for a parking space - I had a no-fail method. When my mom was with us she'd take us to lunch at a nice restaurant in an upscale store in the mall. The kids behaved so nicely, everybody felt fancy for the holiday season.

My family and I celebrated Hanukkah, which was absolutely delightful. I kept Hanukkah toward spirituality, not nearly as materialistic as Christmas. But I also made sure it was fun. Lighting the menorahs together, reading stories, singing, and small gifts. 7 nights of little "necessaries," a few pairs of socks, some gelt (token amount of money; in those days a $5 or $10 bill), a pack of batteries needed for toys. On the 8th and last night of Hanukkah there would be a somewhat larger, special gift...a small coveted toy or fashion accessory, but nothing major.

Christmas was meh for me; I looked upon it as a holiday for the children to spend with David's family, so that was good.

Anyway, all in all, I loved the hustle and bustle and joy, music, and lights of the holidays. I took great pleasure in decorating our porch every year.

My problem came when the children grew up, David and I haven't lived together for many years, and I spend the holidays alone. Most of my family, and David's have died. I don't dare enter a store (except a grocery) because to do so would bring up memories that remind me again of how isolated I am...the grief, how things have changed. So all I can think of doing is withdrawing and waiting until the agony of the season is over. I do light my menorah because it brings me a sense of spirituality and beauty. I hang a strand of Christmas lights in my apartment because they are cheery; I'll probably leave them up for months. I do my best to have gratitude for what I had. The saddest and, it seems to me, most unfair part of it all, is that it looks like I won't be having a grandchild to share a holiday with, a child to stand by my side, eyes wide, as we light the menorah together. I spend the season crying about that, it feels like a curse.

Fuzzybear · Dec 15, 2022 at 11:17 AM

I haven't read all this thread (in fact I've hardly read any of it yet, have not been around much... so please forgive the reply ''only'' sending hugs. Those who know me know I often have plenty to say

I do not fit into the box the Foul Family of Origin (and probably some foul others) tried to put me into

'very quiet person and a bad person''

NOPE NO NO NO

Much love to Beth and to all

Fuzzybear · Dec 15, 2022 at 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I used to enjoy holiday music very much, but only pre...I don't know exactly which year. Older holiday music. I guess around WWII and back to classical. As much as I absolutely love, love my magnificent rock I can't tolerate contemporary holiday music. The Eagles music sends me over the moon with joy, but their Christmas stuff...rubbish. Fabricated. Even they likely hate it, poor dears.

Thankfully Led Zeppelin never cut a Christmas album.

I don't like the Eagles Christmas stuff. I love most of their music though

Led Zeppelin Christmas album?

(rofl)

Fuzzybear · Dec 15, 2022 at 11:51 AM

I loved the season when Papa bear and I were first married.

Before that.... long story.

I don't think I'll be having a grandchild to share the holiday with (in fact I'm pretty sure I won't...) It does hurt (and few get it).

I could write much more but my words stink right now.

I do my best to have gratitude for what I have

Sorry Beth my post is so carp I feel like deleting it

(I'll leave it though)

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

My pain is that I used to love this season. I won't go into it before I was an adult with my own family because that gets long. So, I'm referring to the time before older family members hadn't died and my husband and children were together. My mother, daughter, and son would visit the crowded mall, or only my daughter and I would shop together. It was so exciting! We'd go many times during the season and it was a great, big party. Even the challenge of parking was fun. We'd listen to music on the car radio while cruising around the lot searching for a parking space - I had a no-fail method. When my mom was with us she'd take us to lunch at a nice restaurant in an upscale store in the mall. The kids behaved so nicely, everybody felt fancy for the holiday season.

My family and I celebrated Hanukkah, which was absolutely delightful. I kept Hanukkah toward spirituality, not nearly as materialistic as Christmas. But I also made sure it was fun. Lighting the menorahs together, reading stories, singing, and small gifts. 7 nights of little "necessaries," a few pairs of socks, some gelt (token amount of money; in those days a $5 or $10 bill), a pack of batteries needed for toys. On the 8th and last night of Hanukkah there would be a somewhat larger, special gift...a small coveted toy or fashion accessory, but nothing major.

Christmas was meh for me; I looked upon it as a holiday for the children to spend with David's family, so that was good.

Anyway, all in all, I loved the hustle and bustle and joy, music, and lights of the holidays. I took great pleasure in decorating our porch every year.

My problem came when the children grew up, David and I haven't lived together for many years, and I spend the holidays alone. Most of my family, and David's have died. I don't dare enter a store (except a grocery) because to do so would bring up memories that remind me again of how isolated I am...the grief, how things have changed. So all I can think of doing is withdrawing and waiting until the agony of the season is over. I do light my menorah because it brings me a sense of spirituality and beauty. I hang a strand of Christmas lights in my apartment because they are cheery; I'll probably leave them up for months. I do my best to have gratitude for what I had. The saddest and, it seems to me, most unfair part of it all, is that it looks like I won't be having a grandchild to share a holiday with, a child to stand by my side, eyes wide, as we light the menorah together. I spend the season crying about that, it feels like a curse.

nonightowl · Dec 15, 2022 at 01:37 PM

I just got my hair cut and was waiting for her to ask about my family and holiday plans. Thankfully she didn’t but I was ready for her and was planning to be honest. I wanted to see what kind of reaction I got. Christmas music was playing though and Jingle Bell Rock came on. I hate that song. It butchered a classic.

The US has got to be the most insensitive or clueless culture in the world. We’ve had a lot of loss, as gun violence, hate crimes, and Covid continues to kill. The media barely mentions it now as if it’s over. Yesterday was the anniversary of Sandy Hook. 10 years and we still have these shootings. There’s a malaise in this country yet when October hits, we are supposed to flip a switch, like a light switch, and be cheerful. It’s the holidays! And there’s still war in Ukraine, high prices, people being let go like objects and not human beings, parents don’t get paid parental leave like in other wealthy countries but let’s forget all that and get in the holiday spirit folks!

A lot of our holiday greetings start with “Happy” except Labor Day and Memorial Day, which is supposed to be a somber day honoring veterans. But it’s turned into another commercialized day. Anyway it’s Happy New Year, Happy Easter, happy happy happy.

I’d like to hear from people outside the US and if the hype is there as well.

Bottom line I think we live in a sick culture. Suicides are highest at this time and it’s the busiest time for therapy all thanks to the holidays.

On a related note I plan to read Bright Sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America by Barbara Ehrenreich soon. It’s related in my opinion, since we are supposed to be happy during the holidays and positive just because we are starting a new year. For me it’s the same crap year after year.

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nonightowl · Dec 15, 2022 at 02:29 PM

A few neighbors have decorations up and one couple puts them up in October. I can’t help wondering if any of them are doing it because it’s what you do or they truly enjoy the holidays…

Regarding the media, more balanced reporting would help me and others alone. I mean if they interviewed dysfunctional or estranged families or showed people celebrating in a non traditional way or something. Or show people struggling just to make ends meet, there’s no money for trips and stuff like that.

Geez if not for this site I’d lose my mind, thinking it’s just me.

That’s my rants for the day and I feel better as a result.

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Anonymous32448 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 14, 2022 at 02:29 PM #44 Can the staff from here ban that mariah carey screechy song? it was on the radio (again) earlier and i still have a headache from it
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