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Trig Dec 08, 2022 at 09:46 PM
  #1
I have a good friend from high school, a friendship which goes back about 41 years. His name is Mark. One of the sweetest guys ever, friendly to everyone who crosses his life's path. Mark was one of the first gay people I knew; he was open about it, and in the high school I attended the kids were admirable. Open and curious, not judgmental.

A couple of months after we graduated Mark moved to San Francisco. Our class president, who was also gay, had moved to SF, too. My friends and I were worried; it was 1981 and AIDS was on the rampage. There was absolutely no stopping it at that time - in fact, how people caught it was still a big mystery. You could get tested to find out if you were positive for AIDS, but it took 6 months to receive the test results. Kind of pointless.

Our class president caught AIDS and died less than 2 years after graduation. By some toss of the Miracle Dice, Mark didn't catch it. He eventually moved down to Southern California and after some years, opened an upscale restaurant in Santa Monica. He was doing well in life. He couldn't seem to find "that perfect partner," but he did date some good men, did some traveling, and enjoyed running his restaurant.

Then covid hit. Mark lost his restaurant. Little by little, he lost touch with friends. He'd never been at all close to his family, who hadn't ever accepted his "lifestyle choices."

Since Mark is almost 800 miles down south, I haven't seen him in many years. Fortunately, we have Facebook and we gratefully keep in touch there. I was surprised yesterday evening to receive a shockingly disturbing message from Mark. He's been terribly depressed and, after a lot of consideration and thought had decided to
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. As he put it, "I have 800 friends on Facebook, but not one of them have reached out to me during the holiday season now that I'm no longer one of the SoCal elite. I'm completely alone this season and I've gone crazy."

I know Mark and I know how intense Mark is. I know how determined he can be. I know how, when he makes up his mind to do something he usually goes for it. I've worked with high-crisis situations, including suicide prevention, I have the tools, and I also have the real feeling. Plus, I love Mark. I need him here. So I spent a couple of hours last night talking things out with him. He is crazy with loneliness, with isolation, there's no Happy Hallmark Holiday Season for Mark. And I get that, because there's none for me, either.

I'm not writing this post only about Mark, though. I'm writing it because I'm noticing many, many people in Mark's situation or similar. The loneliness, the cruel isolation, and the miserable shame of admitting being someone who isn't a part of the "Hallmark Holiday."

I'm aware of people on this forum who are going through this season holding on, white-knuckled, with their eyes scrinched shut, their hearts cracking and bleeding, waiting for the agonizing pain of this season to be over. There are so many reasons for why the days between mid-November and New Year's Day are extremely challenging for many of us.

Maybe there are some members here who feel comfortable sharing their stories.

We have the Loneliness board here on the forum, which is an excellent place to meet and talk with others who are feeling alone. But I'm starting this thread specifically with the holiday season in mind.

Whether you love this season, are so-so about it, or are having a rough time for any reason(s), I'm creating this thread for you to share your thoughts about how you're feeling during this year's holiday season.

Let's talk. No one should be alone at this time of the year.

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Last edited by FooZe; Dec 08, 2022 at 11:49 PM.. Reason: added trigger icon
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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 11:27 PM
  #2
Thanks for starting this thread Beth. It resonates with me. Going to come back to add my thoughts/feelings. I don't have the energy for it right now.
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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 11:55 AM
  #3
I was thinking of starting a thread for people having at tough time around the holidays, but since I saw your thread, it makes more sense to post here.

I am dreading the holiday season this year. Definitely feeling very "Bah Humbug". Relations with my family of origin are tense to non-existent, to put it nicely. I reached a breaking point earlier this year with them where I just could not deal with all their crap any more.


Similarly, my husband does not have a close relationship with his biological family. He was raised by his godmother, who passed away when he was 18 or 19.


I from the U.S. but live in South America. Christmas and New Year's Eve are always oppressively hot because it is summer, which I never seem to get fully used to.

Here Christmas, in particular, is very much a family holiday. So, in my case it is just me and my husband. The big meal is the evening of Christmas Eve. We usually cook something special and buy some good wine.

Where we used to live, we would get together with our neighbor friends for New Year's Eve. Unfortunately we are kind of far to go into the city now because we had to move to be able to purchase a home. Driving on New Year's Eve is never the greatest idea and the security situation in this country is such that driving late at night is not particularly safe. Staying somewhere in the city isn't a great option either, because the dogs would be alone for a long time. So, I guess it will just be us at home too.

All the imagery of these happy families celebrating this time of year definitely grates on my nerves.

At least we gave ourselves a little treat and bought a new grill as our Christmas present. I am sure we will grill something tasty on it for Christmas Eve.

Hugs to everyone that is having a rough time during the holidays!
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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 02:38 PM
  #4
Thank you for sharing your story @rechu. I know it can be difficult to open up about what we're going through during the holiday season.

So have you opted to stay away from your families for Christmas, or are they just too far away? It sounds sad that of all the cruddy people, you husband's godmother, the good person, had to be the one who passed.

Ugh, a hot Christmas doesn't sound enticing. I've been in SoCal during the holidays and while not exactly hot, it was certainly quite warm, with the white-white sun-bleached sidewalks, palm trees strung with Christmas lights, and swim-suit clad people on the beach.

It does sound like you and your husband will be creating a pleasant holiday for yourselves. Happy Christmas

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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 03:03 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by rechu View Post
I was thinking of starting a thread for people having at tough time around the holidays, but since I saw your thread, it makes more sense to post here.

I am dreading the holiday season this year. Definitely feeling very "Bah Humbug". Relations with my family of origin are tense to non-existent, to put it nicely. I reached a breaking point earlier this year with them where I just could not deal with all their crap any more.

Similarly, my husband does not have a close relationship with his biological family. He was raised by his godmother, who passed away when he was 18 or 19.

I from the U.S. but live in South America. Christmas and New Year's Eve are always oppressively hot because it is summer, which I never seem to get fully used to.

Here Christmas, in particular, is very much a family holiday. So, in my case it is just me and my husband. The big meal is the evening of Christmas Eve. We usually cook something special and buy some good wine.

Where we used to live, we would get together with our neighbor friends for New Year's Eve. Unfortunately we are kind of far to go into the city now because we had to move to be able to purchase a home. Driving on New Year's Eve is never the greatest idea and the security situation in this country is such that driving late at night is not particularly safe. Staying somewhere in the city isn't a great option either, because the dogs would be alone for a long time. So, I guess it will just be us at home too.

All the imagery of these happy families celebrating this time of year definitely grates on my nerves.

At least we gave ourselves a little treat and bought a new grill as our Christmas present. I am sure we will grill something tasty on it for Christmas Eve.

Hugs to everyone that is having a rough time during the holidays!
Exact same thing! We moved away from friends and haven't made any new ones here in KY. It's going to be just me and my husband and the dog having a small dinner with some mixed drinks and movies all night.

-------
I don't know why families can't just accept each other as they are and not try to force traditional gender roles on everyone. That's what makes holidays so rough and if people who "dance to their own tune" (in whatever way) aren't allowed in it...why do we keep celebrating it? Next year, I'm not doing it.
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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 07:39 PM
  #6
I don't know why families can't just accept each other as they are and not try to force traditional gender roles on everyone. That's what makes holidays so rough and if people who "dance to their own tune" (in whatever way) aren't allowed in it...why do we keep celebrating it? Next year, I'm not doing it.

There were several guys in my high school who were gay @TheEbonyEwe. But that was way back in the late '70's and most families were mortified at the thought of having a boy in the family who wasn't *whisper*whisper* "normal." As for a girl who was lesbian, forget it. Most likely , no one would even take her seriously. Sure, there were very liberal families, but they were very much the exception.

My friend Mark spent our high school years sleeping on friends couches, hanging out and sleeping in parks, and sleeping in friends' cars. Anything to stay out of his parents' home as much as possible. What's really pathetic and bizarrely ironic is that most of the time (in my experience) the family's religious beliefs are why they are hateful against their own children's gender identities. Very damaging.

Anyway, your Christmas plans sound really fun!

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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 07:42 PM
  #7
I'm very interesed @lizardlady, wondering what your input on this subject is. I certainly don't want to push you, but when you do have the energy, please join in.

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Default Dec 10, 2022 at 09:31 AM
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When I was younger, my entire extended family (and quite a few of their plus ones) would come down to my grandparent's home and have a big get-together, gift exchange, potluck, etc. I found it fun in that a small chunk of the extended family would remember me in the gift exchange and there was always food to spare, but in retrospect, it felt inauthentic. I realized why when after my grandfather died, the big Christmas get-togethers tapered off after about a year. Grandpa kept the family "tradition": going by sheer force of will, which included A LOT of cajoling, and threats of being disowned (or at least being made persona non grata) by the rest of the family. When he died, everyone went to their own "corners" and just did their own thing. Even the Christmas season can't seem to escape family politics.

There have been years I've been alone for Christmas, but I was perfectly content. When I think on those get-togethers of my childhood, I appreciate the silence much more.

I guess I've had the opposite problem. The holiday season has always been stifling for me with unwanted obligations courtesy of mercurial patriarchs so, even though I have a tree up, it's kind of nice to go "Bah, humbug!" to Christmas.

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Default Dec 10, 2022 at 11:07 AM
  #9
I've been alone on Christmas most of my adult life. I don't have family close to me, and I'm not really close with any family members anyway. My friends and I usually do a preholiday get together which is a potluck. We're reviving the tradition this year, our first since Covid hit, so that will be lovely.

'm actually scheduled to work, on the telephone support line on the 23rd, 24'th and 25th. I'm glad about that because it will give me something to do, and callers on those nights are so really grateful to have someone to talk to.

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Default Dec 10, 2022 at 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Aurelius710 View Post
When I was younger, my entire extended family (and quite a few of their plus ones) would come down to my grandparent's home and have a big get-together, gift exchange, potluck, etc. I found it fun in that a small chunk of the extended family would remember me in the gift exchange and there was always food to spare, but in retrospect, it felt inauthentic. I realized why when after my grandfather died, the big Christmas get-togethers tapered off after about a year. Grandpa kept the family "tradition": going by sheer force of will, which included A LOT of cajoling, and threats of being disowned (or at least being made persona non grata) by the rest of the family. When he died, everyone went to their own "corners" and just did their own thing. Even the Christmas season can't seem to escape family politics.

There have been years I've been alone for Christmas, but I was perfectly content. When I think on those get-togethers of my childhood, I appreciate the silence much more.

I guess I've had the opposite problem. The holiday season has always been stifling for me with unwanted obligations courtesy of mercurial patriarchs so, even though I have a tree up, it's kind of nice to go "Bah, humbug!" to Christmas.
Aurelius, I've admired many times how you follow the words in your signature. You face life head-on.

You have developed a solid insight into those Christmases of past. That's a gift, alright.

Seems to me that the holiday season is - far from being happy-happy joy-joy - stifling with obligation to many. Even to a point at which people become clinically depressed, physically sick, substance abuse, get into other types of abuse and exploitation, terrible family arguments, etc. You name it.

How will you be celebrating this year? Spending the day by yourself, or will you be with your mom?

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Default Dec 10, 2022 at 03:25 PM
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I've been alone on Christmas most of my adult life. I don't have family close to me, and I'm not really close with any family members anyway. My friends and I usually do a preholiday get together which is a potluck. We're reviving the tradition this year, our first since Covid hit, so that will be lovely.

I'm actually scheduled to work, on the telephone support line on the 23rd, 24'th and 25th. I'm glad about that because it will give me something to do, and callers on those nights are so really grateful to have someone to talk to.

I love that, splitimage. Love it! Working the support line on the most needed nights of the year, can you hear me cheering, clapping, and saying YES!! That is one of the most top helpful ways I can come up with, both for yourself and for others, to spend the holiday. Bright blessings to you!

The potluck also sounds like just the thing. What a fun holiday season you've created. Well, not only fun, but truly meaningful. Yours is a holiday I'd like to use as a model for one I want to have myself some day. Thank you so much for sharing.

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Default Dec 11, 2022 at 06:48 PM
  #12
I will be alone on Christmas and aside from a phone chat with my son and probably one with my husband, this forum will be my only connection to people. I've been alone for the past seven Christmases. Every year I feel anxious about it, and awfully sad. More than sad; I wish I could fall asleep on December 24th and awaken on December 26th. Different than sad, I guess the more accurate word is "pain."

Will anyone else here be alone on Christmas?

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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 12:42 AM
  #13
In the last three years I have faced four deaths, both my parents and my mother in law and earlier this year my father in law. Every one was “special” to me. I was close with my mother in law, she was like a second mom and a wonderful person. My father in law was also very good to me and a very nice man and passed only a few months ago.

What I experienced the last few years of my parents lives was just so horrible that it deeply traumatized me and I am not the same person. I feel very damaged. Too many losses too close together, too many empty chairs and I am too broken hearted to do Christmas. I miss being able to pick up the phone and being able to talk to them.

It’s only been about two weeks now since the long toxic battle with my older sister finally finished. I feel like it took so much out of me that I am exhausted in ways that I sleep a lot. My long battle with my sister was toxic til the very end, she is by far the most toxic person I have dealt with in my life. And, that’s another death because what she showed me was not at all the person I had in my mind of her. I loved her and she turned out to be such a horrible cruel person. This is a very different kind of grief and I’m not sure how that grieve it.

It’s all to raw and painful right now, I don’t want to do Christmas, I can barely do a day without feeling exhausted. 😪
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 11:00 AM
  #14
I never feel alone & I am alone on my little farm in a state where I knew no-one 15 years ago when I moved here from 2100 miles away.

Part of the reason is that for those 15 years I have always had a fur baby I have a heart connect with. Also, even though I live in the country, I have connected with the people around me. Busy all year being involved in the community but not to the point where my own self & farm is neglected. I may not celebrate Christmas on Christmas day with anyone but my fur baby kitty but have had enough activities I am involved in to make a quiet at home day enjoying my farm & the nature surrounding me, a very welcome blessing & with a pause of thankfulness that I am no longer in that bad marriage I left 15 years ago

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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 11:51 AM
  #15
I’m no longer alone but some of my favorite Christmas eves were in Texas. I’d clean the apartment from top to bottom. Put my angels out and a tree up. Take a very long hot soak in the tub get my dress up silk pj on throw the last of the stuff into the washer. And put on my favorite DVDs. It was just me and Sir. I have a hard time saying no and most of my Christmas days were spent with various friends. Because I’m a good cook I was often the main cook. I’d say the most awful holidays were the ones where I was homeless or hospitalized. Nothing worse than institutionalized cheer.

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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 12:19 PM
  #16
Beth - I really do not want to visit. It is a lot of time and expense to have a bad time.

For years I have suspected that my mother has had an undiagnosed personality disorder. She also has a lot of issues from her upbringing. Instead of working on herself or seeking psychiatric help, she just carried on the dysfunction to a new generation. That consisted of favoring my siblings and making me the bad guy. She would never think she needed help, everyone else was always the problem.

Since I have moved far away, we have had two visits. Neither was enjoyable. My family came here one time and once I met up with them and my siblings where they live in the U.S. After that she would plan family trips with everyone else, not asking for my input. She would inform me soon before the trip. If I said it didn't work for us, she would get upset. She always tried to guilt trip me into visiting them but would not consider coming here. She controlled all of that. My dad never stands up to her. No one does except me, to be honest. It seems pretty clear she did not want to see me. If she did, she would have involved me in trip planning.

Now she has dementia. For a while I participated in Zoom calls my sister arranged, even though I wasn't feeling it. I told myself it was only 45 minutes or so, maybe 3-4 times a year. However the dread started to build up days before a call. She had this habit for over a decade, way before the diagnosis, of scowling at me whenever I spoke on video calls. With the dementia it is worse. Any filter she may have had to control her worst behavior is gone. Whenever I spoke on the calls, I got the scowl. She would find the stupidest things to criticize, like my dogs appearing on camera or the shirt I was wearing. My husband doesn't speak English and even he felt the hostility coming from her. He was very supportive when, this year, I decided not to participate any more.

Then there are the practicalities and costs of plane tickets and getting my home country passport renewed, which I need to travel there. I obtained citizenship where I live now and I can get my passport at the civil registry in town. They even have an appointment system, which worked very well when I renewed my ID. I can travel anywhere but my home country with that and in our region, I only need my ID card. For my home country passport, it's about a two hour trip each way to the Embassy by public transit and I would have to do two trips. At one point you could renew by mail, but not any more.

It is very sad that my husband's godmother passed and I never got to meet her. It sounds like she was a very interesting and independent for her time. She was older when she took him in, so it wasn't too surprising she passed. He is very low contact with his biological mother and half siblings. They only see the relationship as what they can get from him, sadly.

The Ebony Ewe - Yes, it sounds like our situations are similar. It can be really hard to make friends as an adult. Your plans sound like fun to me. I hope you and your husband can enjoy it.

Aurelius 710 - Yes, those big family get-togethers can come with their own stress and problems. My mother's side of the family used to do those every year because most of the family was in a few hours of each other by car. Some years were okay. Others, not so much. I realize I don't really miss them. I had more fun during the five years we moved farther away and we would spend the holiday with my best friend and her family.


Open Eyes, I am sorry you are dealing with so much recent loss. It makes sense you would not feel like celebrating.
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 12:20 PM
  #17
Thank you so much, *Beth*, for opening up the conversation. You have a gift for making people feel they're really being heard, and understood.

I feel for you and for your friend, Mark. He has endured an awfully lonely existence, and battled against it for a long time. He must feel exhausted, and is despairing. He is very lucky to have you in his corner!

Dear wonderful Open Eyes, I am reading your post, and thinking how much we have in common. I have lost many important and amazing people in a relatively short period of time, and it was like taking hits from a professional boxer, over and over again. Add to that the fact that through my sister's (and my stepmonster's) machinations, I am separated from what remains of my small family by the mistrust they sowed on my behalf. They engaged in a long game of character assassination, and it appears to have worked. I only have three blood relatives who will even speak to me, and I think they do so with a lot of trepidation. I have been made a monster in people's eyes, the eyes I love so much. The Holidays are a minefield, with the possibility for disappointment, loneliness, and misery around every turn.

I was reminded this morning of how close we all are to potential upset (meaning I'm feeling the effects, myself): From one mis-reading of a simple Facebook comment, I was sent off into a spiral; the likes of which I haven't had in a very long time. There are just some things that can make us feel we are right up-close to the edge. I felt sick to my stomach, and very triggered. My mind started racing. Suddenly, I felt like a forlorn 15 year old, again. Thankfully, on reflection, and review, I was able to confront and sort out what it was that was getting to me, so suddenly. My stomach acid stopped churning and my brain stopped spinning.

It was a powerful reminder: We ALL have our wounds, and this time of year can make us all pretty vulnerable.

Practice kindness, wherever it's possible. Endeavor to understand. Hold doors, stay polite and patient. Sometimes, just a smile can make all the difference to someone's day.

(((Huggggs)))
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 04:42 PM
  #18
@*Beth* thank you for starting this thread, you have been an amazing host and are gifted at making others feel welcome and safe to share.

I really needed to talk about how I am struggling without being told not to feel.
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 07:09 PM
  #19
Beth, I haven't forgotten I said I would come back and post. Matter of fact you got me thinking a lot about this. I promise I will come back and contribute as I process all the stuff that's coming up for me. Add to that I am so tired tonight I feel drunk.
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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 08:51 PM
  #20
I tend to work every christmas

That way, if bosses allowed, anyone with young kids could spend more of christmas day with their little ones

Christmas day itself is a depressing time for me when i not at work, gives my brain the opening he needs, to start trying to make more traumas cause he loves accusing me of killing sweetpea Ebony cause i held her as she was dying, march 2018
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