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KublaKhan
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Default Feb 24, 2023 at 11:03 PM
  #1
I'm trying to solve the mysteries of why most of my interpersonal relationships are somewhat frictious. I think it comes down to empathy and a lack of it on my part. There's one way in which I'm really an oddity: When I have a problem, I want a solution as quickly as possible, and I really couldn't care less if other people recognize and empathize with the problem I'm having. In my little world, "I'm depressed" is no different than "the sink is leaking" or "the car is making a weird noise". My number one priority is to fix whatever is wrong so that I can get back to what I enjoy in life. I might discuss it later once I've solved it, but in the moment, I'm not interested in "venting" or making sure that others can validate my feelings. I want it solved.

I've learned the hard way that most people do not function like this. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how they do function, but I gather that empathy is part of it. They want assurance that their feelings are valid (whatever that means) and to know that others care. Say someone's mother died. I understand that's painful, and I have no problem being your shoulder to cry on and listen to your thoughts and feelings about it without forcing you to listen to my opinion. But is there a point where empathy is not really the best thing?

Imagine different situations. What if someone is positively enraged that, say, another car got in front of them and went 5mph slower than their desired speed? What if someone persistently engages in self-deprecating thinking that is destroying their ability to function? What if someone has an irrational fear that is paralyzing their personal lives? Obviously, in these last few examples, the people would do better for themselves if they would work on fixing those issues (and I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, so I'm not saying this from a standpoint of "why can't everyone just be perfect like me and solve all their problems"). What worries me is that unlimited empathy in these situations could lead these people to put off actually working on the root of the problem. I've known people who suffer from issues like these and never show any desire to move past the issue and get on with life. It's just hard for me to continue giving unconditional empathy when I notice this.

Most of us have probably heard of the concept of "enablers" with regards to alcohol/drug addiction - we are told that we have to avoid doing things that protect the addicted individual from the consequences of their actions. Isn't it possible that such a dynamic might be in play with other emotional issues as well? That's what I worry about. The thing that seems compassionate is not always the best thing in the long run. There are times when my own thoughts/actions were causing problems in my life, and people had to point it out to me. I'm grateful for those who did, because it pushed me to actually resolve those deeper issues and live a better life, even though it may have been painful to hear such a thing the first time around.

A lot of people think I'm a cold, selfish person, but I don't see it that way. I want everyone to have true, lasting inner peace and joy. But I've laid out the difficulty I'm having in telling the difference between empathy and enabling self-harming thoughts, and this is what makes it challenging for me to tell what it means to do "the right thing" for someone.

I know I'm very different than others, and my main preoccupation these days is trying to figure out if that's something I can and should change (read a lot of neuroscience about personality and the degree to which we're born with it) or if a big circle of close relationships is just incompatible with my nature. This is part of my attempt to find the answers.

I appreciate everyone's input, and as always, may you be happy, peaceful, and free of suffering.
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Default Feb 25, 2023 at 12:04 AM
  #2
If a lot of people think you are a cold, selfish person, then I think the problem may extend beyond your ability to tell the difference between having empathy and enabling self-harming thoughts. It's really not up to us to judge someone else's reason for seeking emotional support, or to measure their pain. It's not our place to diagnose. For me the line is if someone is using or abusing me - then I lose empathy. But there are a lot of factors. You might want to talk to a professional if this is affecting your relationships, which it sounds like it is.
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Default Feb 25, 2023 at 09:14 AM
  #3
For me empathy can be part of the solution, I see it as walking beside someone, trying to understand their experience, reflecting and helping them work towards a solution. That’s my perspective.

Have people actually told you they find you cold and selfish?
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Default Feb 25, 2023 at 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Discombobulated View Post
For me empathy can be part of the solution, I see it as walking beside someone, trying to understand their experience, reflecting and helping them work towards a solution. That’s my perspective.
True. I understand empathy in most situations. It's just that I have a hard time with people who seem to ONLY complain to others about their problems and not do anything to fix it.

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Originally Posted by Discombobulated View Post
Have people actually told you they find you cold and selfish?
People have. What confuses me though is that some people throw around the word "selfish" at others, but they're actually the ones who expect the entire world to revolve around them. One example I know of is a person who walks out of every job at the first sign of difficulty, drags their feet on getting another one, and then begs to borrow money from literally everyone they know, never pays it back, then calls everyone else "selfish and greedy" for not giving them any more money (all the while, they're spending money on cigarettes, alcohol, and vacations). Who's really the selfish one in that situation?

People sometimes tell me that I'm "overthinking" and being "too logical" on matters of personal relationships. But I'm trying to consider all the sides of an issue, and I'm not sure how else to do that but by thinking logically. I mean, my immediate un-logical, emotional reation was "I'm right, everyone else in my life is just overly dependent and too lazy to solve their own problems". But I had to logically think that through, and when I did, I realized that was a thought derived from anger, and when I examined things I saw that it really wasn't true, and I had to figure out the real root of these problems since that obviously wasn't it. I'm not sure how being less logical or thinking less would improve anything about this.
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Default Mar 12, 2023 at 02:07 PM
  #5
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...What confuses me though is that some people throw around the word "selfish" at others, but they're actually the ones who expect the entire world to revolve around them....

That can be gaslighting. I mean the other person gaslighting you.

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Last edited by *Beth*; Mar 12, 2023 at 04:37 PM..
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Default Mar 12, 2023 at 02:32 PM
  #6
If you jump right into solving the problem at hand with out saying anything. How is that a problem to anybody?I see your trait as a desirable one.A lot of issues in this world arise out of not fixing an existing problem,I think.Nevermind the judgement of others.
I was a chronic people pleaser,and given time,energy and a lot of other resources to many people. With out even expecting anything in return,and in fact I never got anything in return.After exhausting myself to the point of insanity I paused and reflected.Now I have boundaries in place,I only maintain reciprocal relationships.I have stopped being useful to manipulative users and abusers.I heard recently some of them are smearing me as being cold,selfish and arrogant.Do I care?No.I chuckle to myself.Look who is talking?They are projecting their own bad traits onto me.Stay strong .You know yourself.don't you?
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Default Jun 03, 2023 at 10:36 AM
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That can be gaslighting. I mean the other person gaslighting you.


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Default Jun 06, 2023 at 11:34 AM
  #8
@KublaKhan I am like you. Empathy/sympathy at the APPROPRIATE time but not constantly with someone who continually whines about their situation & does nothing to change it.

I was stuck in depression/anxiety/ sui attempts & anorexia for 13 years. I wished that therapy would have helped ME solve the whole situational issue instead just throwing empathy & drugs at me.

By the end of those 13 years I kinda figured it out on my own & I took the action necessary while I was being blamed for being wrong. Lol....joke was on all of them because I left them all, moved across the country, found quality therapy & quality people to surround myself with & life totally changed & I healed & empathy was NOT what I needed.....it was solution for the problem & defining the REAL PROBLEM.

From my personal experience I see that too many T's & clients don't want to do the WORK. Empathy is easier to desire & easier for others to throw at the situation because it doesn't require a solution.

I was an aerospace computer design engineer & if we all had just done a "gee we have a problem with the program I'm really sorry" that military jet using our program would have crashed into the ocean. Solutions are NECESSARY no matter how much work they take.

I have seen way too often in my 70 years of life that empathy (outside of appropriate situations) does become enabling & actually harmful with a negative effect on healing.

I have to say for me, while right in the middle of the situation causing my mental health problems I sure could have used someone with an analytical mind helping me.....but then there is the risk of them putting thoughts into your mind & them not actually being yours. But it is difficult seeing the forest for the trees when lost in the middle of the forest & that is what most need help achieving rather than a "gee I am really sorry you are lost"

Lol....my 2 cents for the day

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Default Jun 09, 2023 at 09:26 AM
  #9
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, providing support and understanding. It involves compassion and a genuine desire to help. On the other hand, encouraging a self-destructive mindset involves promoting or reinforcing negative thoughts and behaviors that harm oneself. It lacks understanding and fails to address the underlying issues. While empathy seeks to uplift and empower, encouraging a self-destructive mindset can perpetuate harmful patterns and hinder personal growth.
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