Shame

This is the way I presented it to my therapist and should have made it this way.

Shame!
You are a terrible feeling,
You get in the way of my healing,
Shame!
Get on a slow boat to Chi...ya..na,
Then you can be bombed by a plane,
Shame!
I-don't-deserve, to feel this,
So, I think will throw you ahh-way.

I am still getting used to how the text renders in here when you submit a post.

HI,

Of all things, I heard an interview with a former WWE wrestler, Jake The Snake Roberts, about his battle with alcoholism and addiction. AT one point the interview said you're taking all this stuff to avoid the pain, and he said, "No man, the shame. The shame of who my father was."

That one was striking to me.

I don't know you at all. All I can say is that I've been through a bad marriage and now a bad separation. I've experienced a lot of guilt manipulation and a lot of inflicted shame. I'm starting to say, "It's OK to not get everything right. I'm human," and I've begun to look at people in the eye more, and to stand up for myself a little more, adn to treat myself in some way from time to time.

It helps.

I wish you peace of mind and self acceptance, truly.

@RDMercer

Thank you so much. Your input and well-wishes mean a lot.

I wish you well on your journey...

Thanks again

You know what???

There are a LOT of sucky people in the world. Like.... Really, really truly..... People that should be made to care for and carry a plant around to apologize to the world for the oxygen they use up.

If you are an OK human, you are way better than average!

There was a martial art instructor that told me one time, "Positive self talk is too big a step. Neutral self talk is the first step."

I'm not THAT bad.

I'm probably an OK person.

I'm probably as good as at least half the people I meet. Sure as heck I'm better than a couple of them.

Maybe I'm not doing great, but I'm smart enough to get a little bit better and I'm going to try to.

You know what? At least I'm aware that I want to do better. Some of these MFer's around me can't even see how much they suck.

I feel this shame because I think people can see my faults. I can't see their faults, and I mostly don't care about them.

Do you know who cares less about your issues than you? Everybody. So quit worrying about how you're doing and just keep doing.

My (former) SIL used to pick one superficial thing and focus on that in a positive way. "Maybe I'm not that smart, but I look hot today."


Gal.... Each one of these things is like one link or one plate in your armor to protect you.

I truly wish you some peace of mind. Maybe try armoring up with some of these things??


RDM

Word!
Well said RD!

Hey @TheGal,

Are you OK?

Hi @RDMercer

Thanks for following up with me...

I'm an OK person... but I need to put some armour on... going through a rough spot right now...

How are you doing?

I'm working on myself just as you are.

A friend of mine once said most things that happen in our lives are a combination of our actions and things outside our control, so never give yourself too much credit or blame.

I'm facing past mistakes and taking actions to make them right.

And I'm trying to move forward with my head up.

We're going to be ok.

Ok?

Thank you so much, RD.

As for taking credit or blame, a balanced approach as you point out sounds like the right approach.

I find with depression, things tend to register on the self-blame scale a lot more.

Gal

I feel intense shame in the eyes of God. I am in recovery too, and I feel unworthy enough even to pray. I feel my sins are so bad and I have done so much wrong I don't even deserve His Grace and all the blessings He has bestowed upon me.

Also, to be clear, this has nothing to do with religion just my feelings toward my own Higher Power. it comes from my childhood too.

Great post by the way, this applies to some of the stuff I am learning in CODA.

These days with the shame (feelings I've had for years) I observe it entering my mind (something probably triggered it) and just tell myself "don't go there brother. It's not yours, it's baggage. It's in the mind only" and just try to let it go and refocus attention on something more productive as opposed to accepting it as real and letting it carry me away. I much prefer to approach it that way.

Hey @Lady Shadow.

I so understand what you're saying here (above) but I wanted to tell you that I study certain things, peoples "unusual" experiences, and during an NDE (near death experience) this lady said God (I will use that term) told her that "love falls on all beings equally". And I firmly believe that. You're okay Lady Shadow, though I do obviously respect your feelings on the matter.

@LadyShadow ((((Hugs)))) I hear you... We must find a way to breathe and to remember that [we] "are a child of the universe, just like the trees and the stars you have a right to be here." ~ The Desiderata

@mote.of.soul Yes, I need to remember that the shame is baggage. A psychologist once told me that a lot of my shame comes from my "family of origin" and doesn't belong to me...

The only way out that I can think of is through transformation and self-compassion... sometimes these things are easier said than done.

Yup. And I believe that's the first place the psychologists will look generally when understanding shame = the family of origin. 'Let's all shame our children into compliance!' All too common unfortunately. Whatever the case shame is baggage, not needed or wanted. Yes, self compassion, essentially love, is a good approach, imo. The kind of love that ideally should've been present from the start. The antidote of sorts. Whatever methods you use I wish you all the best in addressing and hopefully overcoming the shame once and for all TheGal. Me, at this stage, I'm all about nipping it in the bud as it arises - or trying to. Hopefully it will just burn itself out one day, it has certainly weakened somewhat.

Hi, TheGal, as someone who used to experience a lot of shame, and now experiences a bit less but is still a work in progress, here is what I know:

I've heard that the way to overcome shame is to tell someone you feel safe with about it. Not everyone has this, and I'd advise not rushing yourself to tell someone if you don't yet know of anyone.

Self compassion helps. The way I practice this is through journaling and also putting myself around people and in environments I feel accepted by and comfortable in.

You could also try owning the things that make you feel embarrassed. Example: I used to be ashamed of certain things about myself. Then I started seeing these qualities being compassionately and kindly portrayed in the media and entertainment I liked. It was like a world opened up for me. The beginning of liking myself.

Thank you for sharing the links, I'll check them out!

Thank you, WovenGalaxy!!

I appreciate that you shared with me your approach.

There's another book I've been meaning to read... secondhand copies can be found on AbeBooks | Shop for Books, Art & Collectibles. It's called "On Shame and the Search for Identity" by Helen Merrell Lynd.