Conflict between...

WANTS
WISHES
THOUGHTS
NEEDS
FEELINGS

I have a hard time making them match and go together.
how is it possible and why? and how can i solve this conflict?

my main problem is another one, but hoping not to trigger anyone i'll make an example:

i WANT to want to have kids. but i dont want them.
i WISH i had kids. but im glad i dont.
i THINK it would be nice to have kids, but concrete thinking tells me not to have them
as a 40yo woman i feel some need to have kids, but i dont
FEELINGS are the ones telling me its better i dont have kids

my mind, my body, my feelings are all in conflict and i dont know how is that possible, why and what to do about it?

but i know usually FEELINGS win, so im listening to them. but what about the rest?

am i doomed to be unhappy my whole life because these things dont match?

PLEASE, HAS ANYONE AN ANSWER? OR SIMILAR PROBLEMS?

I am so sorry you are conflicted although I can definitely identify with you since I am often torn between different courses of action and paralyzed by confusion and indecision over them. It can be such a brutal experience.

Sometimes two things help me. First I take paper and pencil and actually write out the choices. I heard that writing actually activates a different part of the brain concerned with certain problem solving activities. I list the choices and then as honestly as I can I list the pros and cons of each possible choice. Sometimes this helps all by itself to give me some clarity and peace of mind.

If that doesn't work I take out another piece of paper and pencil and write out what my priorities are in life. What is most important to me really? What is secondarily important? What is even less important? Listing pros and cons sometimes doesn't help unless I have really nailed down my priorities in life.

Sometimes it helps me to set aside these papers, go to sleep and look at them the next day with fresh eyes.

Patience, when possible is also helpful to me. The passing of time can sometimes bring clarity. For one thing, it can take away the sense of urgency. It is like saying: "I am very conflicted and that is okay. It is normal in situation to be conflicted. That is very human thing. I am not going to beat myself up over being conflicted since this will probably only make things worse. When the time is right I will decide.

It there is real urgency in making a decision I will often go with my moral values. It is easy to skip this step sometimes and it often leads to life long regrets. What is my conscience telling me? This is often very helpful to me in making a decision.

What decision will allow me to live themself for the rest of my life? What decision will allow me to look myself in eye when I look into a mirror and not feel bad?

Since I am not a mental health professional or doctor, I cannot offer any of this as "advice." I am eminently UNQUALIFIED to offer advice that anyone could or should rely upon. I can only share what helps me personally knowing full well that we are all different and that what works for one person might not work for someone else.

I hope you will reach the best decision you can in your situation. I am rooting for you!

Thank you Yaowen,

this is the absolutely best answer i have ever got or i could ever hope for.

it is wise, it simple, it is clear and doable in every situation.

i will never thank you enough for this answer.

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

i'll keep all this in mind and will try tomorrow (as its late here now)

Like Yaowen said, throw the LOGIC in to create all the pro's & con's. If you are single, talk to single mothers going through having kids alone.

From personal experience, having even one kid like I had (even being married) I had an engineering career, making the time to actually be there for my daughter & her school issues, her basketball games & support her the way parents really need to be there for their kids is not easy & leaves one exhausted much o45pm f the time. Love my daughter & glad I had her..but you need to assess capabilities, health & all the things that can mess with being able to care for a kid cause it is an even longer lifetime commitment than a pet & pets get less messed up by dysfunctional parents than kids do.

All things to factor in.....REALITY needs to be top of the list in considering otherwise regrets hit & we can't just rehome a child like we can a pet without messing them up in a major way. Reality is far more important to the child than OUR OWN wants, wishes, thoughts, needs or feelings because having a child is all about RESPONSIBILITY.

Analyze your own situation logic & feelings. I am sure you will come up with the appropriate answer for your own life & take time to think through what you do come up with & take time to process the answer.

Hugs sinking (good replies)

Make sure that this need you feel to have kids isn't a need that evolved from shame, fear or guilt caused from an external source. Family, religious institutions and mainstream society love to make women feel like we have no worth or have accomplished anything unless we've had children and it's time we stop that horrible, discriminating behavior.

I understand I feel the same way about things.