Building a Whole New Life

Thank you so much, my dear.

A hug for a Have Hope

So, I had met a woman by chance because we were both sitting alone at separate tables next to each other at a restaurant. She began talking to me, we had a good conversation, and I thought she seemed cool. She gave me her number and I gave her mine, since we decided to start walking together in the early mornings. We live relatively nearby one another. Well, the first time we were supposed to walk, I had blisters on my heels and had to cancel. The second time we tried to schedule, she had to cancel. We had decided to walk on a Sunday at 1 PM. She asked if I could walk in the morning, and I couldn't because I had a house guest. We had decided on 1 PM, but she canceled the day of.

Then, for the third attempt, she became very pushy with me and I was taken aback.

I had told her that I couldn't walk until the following Friday morning, a week away. She didn't like that and asked why I couldn't walk sooner. I repeated to her again that Mondays and Fridays are the best mornings for me to walk because I work from home on those days. I also told her that on this particular Monday, I wasn't free. So we scheduled for Friday.

I sent her a Thurs. night to confirm and received no reply. I sent a second text at 6 am this morning again to confirm, and no reply.

Geez. I am so sick of flaky people!

I am also very turned off by her pushiness.

She didn't like my lack of availability or schedule, and now she's blowing me off.

Well, screw it then. There goes a potential newly budding friendship in my newly budding life.

Seemingly little things--such as not getting one's way on scheduling--can be very revealing of character. Her rudeness and pushiness don't bode well for any possible friendship. Good to know!

Agreed, and thank you!!

Best to know as early as possible if someone's going to be a good friend or not

Oh no this woman sounds just like this one woman I befriended years ago.

She convinced me to sign up for this expensive gym with her so we can go together but when I did, she became very agitated with me that I could not go the only time she said she could go: 6 or 7am on Saturdays. When we signed up, she never told me that’s the only time she could go

That was the only time her awful husband allowed her to go to gym as she had to be home by breakfast time to feed him and their kid breakfast.

And she refused to accept that I couldn’t leave the house that early because I had a kid at home and I was single mom and I worked all week two jobs (this woman didn’t work). She argued with me that I had to get a baby sitter. 6am on Saturday????

She argued every week about me not going 6am on Saturday until eventually I just cut the ties with her. Unbelievable.

What’s wrong with some people???

WOW @divine1966. Some people are way too demanding and unreasonable!

The woman did finally text me later in the morning to tell me she had fallen asleep the night before. At 6:30 PM? I wrote her a text at 6:30 PM on Thurs eve and another one at 6 AM on Friday morning, so she is trying to tel me she was in bed from 6:30 PM until 10 or 11 AM the next day when she finally wrote back to me? Yeah, right. I do not believe it.

Does she drink? Sadly that’s the experience I had with alcoholic. They were too drunk and then too hungover to go anywhere so they had to come up with a story

I have NO idea. It’s also highly unlikely she didn’t see my texts like she claims. I mean who falls asleep for the entire night at 6:30 pm? She’s unreliable. I think I’ll just tell her it’s not working out, if she even bothers to ask me to walk again.

I've been exhausted enough to sleep for 12 hours straight. I've also been too overwhelmed to manage even looking at my phone to see who texted or called or emailed me. I don't drink, smoke or self medicate so they aren't factors in my level of exhaustion. I'm offering you this perspective because you don't know this woman very well yet and are assuming her behavior is a reflection on how she percieves you. It seems like you re considering pushing her away from you. I understand that her behavior and circumstances surrounding both your efforts to get to know each other haven't aligned. You have an opportunity to try something new here... accept her limitations and keep trying to find time to walk together. Be willing to compromise and with some time, you may know her well enough and her to know you well enough to be willing to make an effort when things do align.
That's meaningful friendship from my perspective.

You've asked for suggestions in the past. I'm offering that suggestion because you also have said you struggle to make female friends. My opinion is you are reacting too quickly by discarding this person now. Try something different from your normal pattern.

My intention is to be supportive of your other efforts to change. I hope this doesn't come accrossed as demanding or telling you what to do.

I agree with roller coaster that giving her another chance might be a good idea. It’s difficult to schedule things with strangers as we have no idea what’s going on in their lives. Of course eventually you would have to give up if she acts this way repeatedly. But you don’t want to go from one extreme of attaching to wrong people to extremes of cutting it off quick. I’d try one more time. Make one more mutually agreeable plan and then if that falls through, end it

No it doesn’t come across the wrong way and thank you for being sensitive to that possibility. And thank you for offering this other perspective. Maybe I am bouncing too quickly. I’ve given people too many chances in the past and now I’m doing the opposite. I’m trying to protect myself much better than I have. I’m not reaching out to her. The ball is in her court since she canceled twice now.

Smart not reaching out since she us the one to blow it last time. So ball is in her court

I think letting her control making a plan again is ok. I also think that a simple thing to do is let her it's up to her. She may not know that is your expectation, but at the same time she may be expecting you to respond to her. It's reasonable to think that's her unspoken expectation... I think in her shoes you may expect a response or at least an acknowledgement, yes? Healthy friendships are a dynamic, not a game of who's in control or who's giving more, taking more. Everyone and everything has a balancing point.

I think a simple response back like "these things happen. I hope we can take a walk soon. Let me know when you're free." Is needed. It keeps things light, let's her know you expect her to get in touch with you and that you want to make time to be more than a casual passing acquaintance.

Hoping to give you helpful ideas and perspectives in support of doing things in a new way. Stretching my own comfort zone has been really valuable. I'm so far away now from old patterns and behaviors. I've outgrown them ... or maybe I've moved my comfort zone in a way that makes those old patterns less conformable now. Wishing you the best.

Thank you… however, there is the fact that she became pushy and demanding of me when I couldn’t meet at times convenient for her. I don’t like that. I appreciate the different approach and ideas. However my issue is not being discerning enough with people and I end up befriending toxic people. This is precisely what I’m trying to change and avoid. And I don’t have difficulty forming friendships with females at all. I don’t know where that came from. I just need and want more friends that live locally. So my issue is discernment and boundaries. And honestly I felt this woman crossed my boundaries by being so pushy when I said I couldn’t walk at certain times. So I revert back to my original stance that this is not one I wish to befriend. Thank you both however for your ideas and input.

I can understand that. Same here. A pushy person isn't respectful of others; I wouldn't put up with that. I'm on your side here. This woman doesn't sound like someone I'd want either. Feline Angel is right in saying it's best to find out early if someone is flaky, and I trust my gut. This way I don't waste both time and an emotional investment in someone. Neither of those can be recovered.

Thank you so much for your understanding. My gut tells me to not pursue it.

Hey. Just catching up . I agree trust your gut - I'm sure going to in the future.

I've hardly met anyone that doesn't struggle to make friends after 40.

I hope you do find a good friend, Hope

i'm at the point where i may have to cut off a friendship myself cause the friend in question is getting too demanding and pulling at me in email too many times, despite being told i can't spend the amount of time and energy on her that she needs

Thank you.

I have made a a few new friends since my divorce. One is a couple, and especially the female. Another is a male, but I don't see him often. And a third I knew in college, so he may not really count, but we've since then gone to a concert together. I also have become closer to a male friend of mine as well, who used to be more of an acquaintance. So there's that, I guess.

It’s great. It’s not easy to make new friends at all. Especially as we age. Totally curious though that they mostly men again. Nothing wrong with that of course but just wonder of a pattern.

It's just the way it's unfolded.

It's now a year later, so I thought I would revive this thread and see where I am in comparison to a year ago this same time.

I am in a far different place. I re-read some of my posts on this thread, and I was having a hard time going places by myself after my marriage ended. And now? Now I go nearly everywhere by myself. Concerts, road trips, even a working vacation I did on my own to Vermont.

It's AMAZING to experience & feel tremendous growth happening within me. I feel different.

One big issue that arose late last Spring is that my ex abusive husband decided to move back into the town where we lived (I am still living in the same apartment that we shared), but only a mere few streets away from me. It's been a struggle, and at first I was livid. I had been feeling free and far happier up until that point, but once I learned he moved closer to me, I felt like he had stolen my newfound happiness and freedom.

It has taken a few months - well, the summer - for me to regain my happiness and sense freedom back. I do see him from time to time in the neighborhood, but we do avoid each other. I had threatened him with a restraining order the week he moved, and he's avoided me ever since! YAY! That helps!

I also have gained several new friends in the last year - another goal of mine. Several new female friends, and a few new male friends too.

Work has been a challenge though, since about early June. I am doing great in my job and am successful,. but the company culture is not a good fit for me so I am looking elsewhere. I found an AMAZING opportunity with an adventure travel company and am PRAYING I land an interview and a job offer with the company. I would be THRILLED! They organize and lead African Safaris - how COOL is that? I would love to be hired, and be asked to experience their organized trips - maybe once per year or something like that. Yes, I am dreaming but it's my Prayer and Hope and my fingers are crossed that it comes to fruition. It would be a DREAM COME TRUE for me.

So that's about it for now.... it's been so quiet on the forums this summer, but if anyone reads this and feels like chiming in and replying, please do.

Thank you so much for this update! It is great to hear how much progress you have made!

Congratulations!!