Building a Whole New Life

Thanks @Bill3!

Work is challenging me in many ways. Each week, I feel so burdened by all the challenges.

I have not worked for a large global company before. And that's difficult for me because it's highly matrixed, corporate and complex.

My boss micromanages ALL my communications - having come from small agency environments, she feels I must be monitored closely. I finally set a boundary last week on that though. I told her it's squelching my ability to include in emails to higher ups what I think is of value and it doesn't allow me to simply be myself.

And, I think my boss might be undermining me or envious of me. She seems to not want me to share certain successes or my knowledge with higher ups.

Another challenge is my boss was/is new to my industry and field, so I've had to coach and train her for the last year. What an odd situation. She is in charge, yet I have to mentor her all about the work I do so that she can support and advocate for me throughout the company. It's a really uncomfortable working relationship dynamic. Then add to the fact that I am 3-4 years older than she is!

I also find that people gossip. I stay out of it and just do my work.

We've had the luxury of being out of the office for 3 weeks. This week, we must return to the office, and I am dreading it. I find it's so much easier to work from home, away from the office culture. The office culture is very intense, serious, and fast-paced. We do get to work from home Mondays and Fridays, but Tue-Thurs feels like sheer torture.

I wish I would hear back on my job application. I have followed up once already and nothing back. UGH.

In the meantime, I am planting seeds at my current job for a promotion to a global director role. Fingers crossed that can happen. I would love to get out from under my boss's thumb. I am starting to feel like it's fairly toxic working under her. I have caught her in several lies, and she misinforms and gives the wrong information to higher ups, so I've had to correct her. She talks out of both sides of her mouth! She will say how she really feels about an issue to ME, but then when we get on a conference call with others, she butters people up, kisses butt, and says the exact opposite. It's rather sickening.

OYE. Life is never easy, is it?

The title of this thread: building a whole new life. Well, in building a brand new life for myself, I am severing ties with all toxic people, new and old, so I cut off a 35-year toxic friendship last week.

This so-called "friend" has been domineering in every conversation we've had, she adopts an air of superiority over me and treats me like I am 5 years old, needing to be taught the ways of the world, and she has said some incredibly cutting, mean, and insensitive things to me over the years.

I held onto the friendship because of a long history. We've had many good times together, we've gone to concerts together, and have had many good laughs while talking for hours on the phone. We went on a week-long camping trip in California together years ago. And long ago, we used to coach each other through our meandering career paths. We've remained in relatively close touch over the years. But now? It's totally different. We have not physically seen each other since 2009. We've maintained only a long-distance friendship, talking by phone or via texting. We talk once every few months or so. We've basically grown apart and have very little in common.

So, just recently, I had been trying to get a hold of her for the last 6 weeks. God knows why. I must have been lonely and simply wanted to touch base. After I sent a text to follow up on several phone calls, she only just wrote in reply, "I'm busy". I had tried to reach her at least 3-4 times, and that's the only reply I received. And that was it for me. I knew she didn't really care about me.

The final straw may have actually occurred last summer when she kept telling me how happy she was to have a wonderful husband and to NOT be single, just as I was facing all the abuse from my ex husband and just as I was going through a nasty divorce. Could she have been any more insensitive or cruel?

Even several years back, I had thought that she was likely a narcissist. Now, I am convinced she is after all the behavior patterns I have witnessed in her for the last 35 years, and after having married a narcissist.

Last week in our text exchange, I told her that a comment she made was mean and wrote that this is what she does to me. In reply, all she wrote was, "sorry you feel that way", which is a gaslighting type of response. That statement deflects all responsibility away from her, and places all the blame on ME for feeling hurt by her comments to me, and is a non-apology.

I told her she was gaslighting me, so she suddenly went on the attack, just like a true narcissist. She wrote "waaahhh waaahhhhhh wahhhhhh", in the most derogatory and demeaning way. What is she, 6 years old???? Then she accused ME of gaslighting HER, just like a narcissist would.

Whenever challenged or called out on poor behaviors, narcissists go on the attack and deflect all responsibility. Well, that's exactly what she did to me.

After her "waaahhhh waaahhh" comment over text, I told her she was being a biatch, that she is totally toxic, and blocked her. Next, I carefully composed an email, calling her out on ALL narcissistic behaviors, I ended the friendship, and told her I was blocking her everywhere, including email. And that was the end.

That night when I went out to see a band at a music venue, I felt incredibly liberated, as though some kind of a hefty burden was finally lifted off my shoulders. Something I had been carrying around for YEARS.

Over the next coming days, that feeling subsided and I started questioning whether I had been too harsh. Then, I re-read her nasty text to me and determined, no, I wasn't being too harsh and that I was simply and finally drawing the line and creating firm boundaries for myself.

So, developing and enforcing stronger boundaries is the name of the game for me in building a brand new life, which is the whole point of this story. I am learning how to enforce my boundaries much better than I ever have.

I have a history of abusive and toxic relationships, and I've allowed far too many people to cross boundaries with me. And this is something I've decided I will no longer tolerate or allow.

So, I am done with all toxic people. I have removed 5 toxic women from my life in the last year. A few were newer friendships and a couple were older friendships that needed to be severed. 3 of the 5 women are narcissists.

I am empathic and I've read that narcissists and empaths are naturally drawn to each other. I've had so many narcissists in my life, it's a pattern. So, I need to learn how to sidestep these people and steer clear. I should have an anti-narc spray to carry around with me! LOL LOL.

I've read that to keep narcs away, an empath needs to have stronger boundaries and to care much more for themselves. I've cared so very much about the welfare, needs, and happiness of everyone else, that I've completely neglected myself in the process. So it's time now in my life to finally turn all attention to caring about ME....

It's a healthy selfishness. I am turning all my attention, love, care, and compassion to MYSELF. Right now is MY TIME. I am healing, I am forgiving myself, I am caring for myself and what I need, and I am learning how to quiet my harsh inner critic. No more masochism. I have been masochistic ALL of my life. My inner critic is SO VERY LOUD... well, I am finally listening and I will shut that critic up once and for all. NO MORE.

I am done being masochistic. And I am done with being a codependent. This feels healthy, so I am running with it.

On the work front, a VP of Marketing walked by me while I was in a meeting with my boss. He commented to me., "you're killing it! You should come up to global!" I was SO happy that he said this right in front of my boss! So, I replied "sure!!!!"

I am planting the seeds for a promotion to Global Marketing Director... maybe VP

It will happen... I am fully believing and sending out energy to the Universe.

Do you have any advice for someone in the same situation?

I find it very hard to socialize as a single person. I have a few single friends, but most of the people in my life are in really solid marriages.

I would find it hard to go to a concert or out as you are describing.

And, I too have someone who pokes are the edges of my bubble and tests boundaries, and I'm living in our former shared address.

I'm really happy for you. It's inspiring.

RDMercer

Thank you @RDMercer!

My advice would be to stick with your few single friends, even if it's just a few people. Being a third wheel with a couple is never fun, unless it's a larger group including at least a couple of single people.

I don't really know what else - I just started doing things by myself, and over time, I became far more comfortable doing so. I don't go to larger music venues alone - only the smaller music venues. Doing that on my own over the last year enabled me to meet many new friends, which has really opened up my social circle quite a bit, to include being invited to smaller social gatherings and parties.

What about joining social activity groups, doing activities you enjoy? My greatest passion is live music, so that was easiest for me to do on my own. I have yet to join any social meetups, but still plan on it at some point. For now, I am happy doing what I am doing.

I hope that helps you some?

Thank you

I’m happy for you.

I’m finding it hard to change my thinking

I’m quite emotionally focused I think and that tends to make it hard to change.

Start doing then - take action and get out of your head.

One area of my life I am successful in is my career. Work is going very well lately, and I am succeeding and am gaining recognition at work for my achievements.

My love life has been a disaster, on the other hand. It's been years since I had a healthy relationship. Years. And there were a few - not all have been awful, but it's been some time since then.

At least I have success in one area of life. That makes me feel a little better. I've given up on love for now. I don't want to date and I have no interest in men at this stage. Funny too, since I dated quite a bit during the year following my divorce, and now in year two, I've decided to not date at all and focus on ME.

I am in a transitional spot in my life. My old self is transforming into a new self, but it's taking time.... that's OK. I am in no rush. I have a home, my beloved cat, my health, my close friends, an extended social circle, a social life of sorts, and my family. Life is pretty good, considering.

I'm so happy to hear! It's been rough, but things are looking up! Congratulations!

Thanks so much @Bill3!

I am learning to be grateful for all that I DO have, versus focusing on anything lacking. It helps me to feel much happier and at peace in my life, each and every day.

Ok, that being said, I just found out my ex husband has a girlfriend and it's throwing me off. Emotions are irrational. I know that tigers don't change their stripes and it's only a matter of time before he pulls the same power and control crap with her. But still, it's hitting me hard. He was supposed to suffer for the rest of his life without me, in my mind. That was the deal I made in my own mind. But he's moved on and it's gnawing at me right now. Possibly mainly because I don't have anyone myself.

I met a handsome guy last night. We talked for a while and have some things in common. He gave me his business card and told me to text him when I was leaving.

I drove home floating on cloud 9. I felt a new romance potentially in the air and got excited. I said I wouldn’t date so it would take a very special man to coax me into it.

He told me he is an extreme snowboarder. I like that. I think it’s cool. I’ve been athletic in my life too. Not much lately but I have an excuse. My hip is really bad. Anyways we talked about skiing and snowboarding, in Colorado specifically. We both have lived there, a commonality, but in different years. We did not overlap.

I want to feel this out but slowly. The last guy I gave my number to I ended up having to block. Ugh. I don’t need yet another sour experience. Hence my wariness.

I’m kind of happy about it though too - it gives me a little boost and confidence. To know I still got it at the age of 54! Yay. He could be younger, not sure. But handsome. He owns his own business. He’s an arborist. We shall see -

Ok I just found his Facebook profile. It says he likes to chase women. When I read that I hear womanizer.

Why do I attract the wrong types of men? The handsome man I spoke of just now? He did walk right up to me at the bar and told me I was pretty. He probably does that with every pretty woman he sees, trying to see if he can "catch" her since he loves to chase women.

I was so turned of by that comment on his Facebook page. I will not be texting him. Right off the bat, I wouldn't trust him.

WTF is wrong with me?

I think in order to date, I would have to go on a dating site like eHarmony.

But still, I don't feel quite ready to take that leap into full on dating world. I am not ready.

Well, I won't date - I am right back to that conclusion. I have thoughts of joining a singing group and an outdoor activities group and volunteering. I haven't taken any steps in that direction yet - I am thinking about it. I want to fill my life up with more to do. I have far too much down time alone. I need a more fulfilling life that just going to work and to concerts with friends. I love dancing, I love music, and I love seeing friends. But I want more in life. During the work week, I barely go out except maybe to run an errand. I am in bed before 8 PM and up at 4 AM. I need more of a life than that during the week. And on some weekends when there isn't any music, I've stayed in all weekend by myself. So, I am thinking of these different activities that may help round my life.

That guy was just another example of why I shouldn't date right now.

I did write him a text and confronted him about the chasing women part being on his facebook profile. He wrote a lame text back, saying he hasn't updated it in 15 years! Yeah, right!!! LOL. He never replied again. So I was correct - he's a womanizing jerk.

The above is good news! You stayed completely away because you paused and looked for you leaped. Good work!

You are looking for something to do. Would you consider online volunteer tutoring for underprivileged kids, grades K-12? Check out learntobe.org! 🙂

Thanks @Bill3! I do feel good about it.

No, I wouldn't be interested in tutoring. I would rather work outdoors with horses and kids or at an animal shelter. Those are 2 I am currently thinking of.

Those two sound really good. I hope one or both work out! 😃

Thanks @Bill3

I haven't taken any steps yet, but I hope to get something in place soon!

So, last night for some reason I remembered that I have a wedding website alive somewhere, so I dug out the link I had shared with family when we got married.

I found our site and poured over the pics of me and my ex husband displayed on our site. Two things struck me: one was that in every photo of us, he leaned his head into mine so that our heads are touching together, in every single photo. This struck me as quite odd - and probably is a part of his narc manipulation games, to make me feel like we're close when we're not at all. Then I saw one photo where his mask clearly is off and his eyes look like pure evil. I can see the evil in his eyes in that photo. There's another photo of him too where I can see that same evil glare in his eyes, but that's on his facebook profile.

I can't delete the website. - it will forever be in existence. I saved the link just because.

The whole thing is weird.

But I think I am starting to come out of my two-week funk that I've been in, ever since I learned he is dating someone. And I think that relationship ended because she removed all pics of them together from her facebook profile last week. Yep, I've been snooping!

But it helps me, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get me out of my funk.

I put my engagement ring up for sale - a major step forward! I may be asking way too much for it, given that it's used and therefore its value has greatly depreciated. I will see what I can get - I've already reduced it by $500 so far. It's for sale on Facebook marketplace - I am not sure if that's the best place to sell it. So far I've only gotten spam responses. Ugh. I am asking $3000. The insurance appraisal amount is $7500, so that's less than half. Retail cost was less than the appraisal. I may have to reduce it to just $1000. I don't know. But I am happy that I am getting rid of it. Slowly, over time, everything left of him in my home is either being thrown out, sold, or given away. LOL. Or broken.... Hahahaa. I found a gemstone necklace and I ripped it apart. I was angry in the moment about him moving into my neighborhood. I had a reaction, so I broke his necklace. Whatever. I don't care. There is nothing sentimental to hold onto. I have a few jewelry pieces from him, but I do wear these from time to time and I feel that's OK. I don't wear them often.

Good job telling me "no" rather than equivocating!!

Ahh, as I was reading your previous post, I wondered if you would do a search for him.

So, no matter if this doesn't lead anywhere. It's practice, experience and provides confidence building, right?

If the guy was there with his friends, they might be "competing" to see who can be the first one to take home a woman.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. If I were in that situation (having a pretty woman give me a complement) I'd be following her home like a drooling puppy. Then I'd find myself in a room full of .

I'm so glad I'm not a pretty woman like you!