Building a Whole New Life

My life needs a complete overhaul. Like seriously. Can anyone relate to feeling this way?

I'm not sure if I am posting in the right forum with this entry. But here it goes...

I just got divorced from an abusive narc. I dealt with his abuse for the last five years. So, I find myself single again at the age of 52. I live alone, with my kitty cat. He moved out last Oct, and we divorced in March. We still have some contact by email periodically, which I need to stop doing. He mainly has initiated contact, and I need to seriously steer clear of him. The longer I go without speaking to him or running into him, the better off I am mentally and emotionally. He triggers me to unravel, re-experience the trauma of the abuse, and it triggers PTSD reactions in me.... so I have to cease ALL communications to protect myself and my mental health.

So, here I am single again, and with only a few close friendships. I need to expand my social circle, meet new friends and forge new friendships. I need to change and overhaul my social scene, which has been the music-loving community for about 30 or more years! I have been hanging out at music venues/bars and following favorites bands around, but the people I am meeting in these venues are sub par at best (a LOT of them, not all, but many). I am meeting a lot of toxic personalities, so I must change my scenery and try different avenues for meeting decent, good people. I love beer and I love music, but this scene is not serving me well anymore.

I want to join outdoor groups, since I love many different outdoor activities: hiking, kayaking, sailing, skiing and roller blading, to name a few. I am nervous and scared to branch out in a new direction though. It's scary to try something different and to venture into the unknown, especially when you're comfortable with doing the same ole same ole.

But I know I need to change; I need to change myself and the entire way that I approach my life. I want a healthier lifestyle and healthy-minded friends. I want to quit smoking cigs. It's very hard -- I've tried multiple times to quit. I quit for one year and started vaping, but then I developed a horrific cough and had to stop vaping. So I went right back to cigs, after a year without them.

I am starting a new job soon, after being laid off from my last and unemployed for the past six months. It's been an unbearably difficult time. I almost lost my home. Thank goodness I finally received a job offer. I am so very grateful. And my unemployment benefits almost ran out. I informed my ex husband that I finally got a job (via email) and he didn't reply. He cannot even congratulate me and is playing power games by now trying to give me the cold shoulder and silent treatment, as he typically has done in the past. His inability to say congratulations says it all to me. Not that I needed any further proof that he is a jackas*s.

I am still recovering from all the abuse I experienced in my marriage. And I am soured by it. I am wary of people now, whereas I never used to be.

My mother told me this should be an exciting time. Beginning a brand new chapter in my book, & starting a whole new life. But I am just honestly worn out and scared. I'm scared of failure, scared of being abused again, scared of getting hurt and scared of meeting more abusive and toxic types of people. There seems to be no shortage of them, and I feel like I have a magnet on my head attracting them.

I am learning better self care and boundaries. Slowly, but surely, I am making some progress. And I am learning how to love myself again, especially after putting up with so much abuse and disrespect.

I don't even know myself anymore. I got lost and buried in my marriage. I am trying to rediscover who I am and to love that person. I miss the old me. I used to be so full of life, enthusiasm and love. And now that's all tainted because of all the abuse.

I don't know where I am going with this thread/post, but I am hoping that perhaps some of you can relate to some of what I am putting out there.

I just need to work on myself and my own life. I should not date until I am healed and I am not healed yet. Far from it. I tried, but it didn't work out.

So, here's to starting a new life and to implementing an overhaul of your life. I hope I can be encouraged along the way. I will need it.