Building a Whole New Life

Thank you… however, there is the fact that she became pushy and demanding of me when I couldn’t meet at times convenient for her. I don’t like that. I appreciate the different approach and ideas. However my issue is not being discerning enough with people and I end up befriending toxic people. This is precisely what I’m trying to change and avoid. And I don’t have difficulty forming friendships with females at all. I don’t know where that came from. I just need and want more friends that live locally. So my issue is discernment and boundaries. And honestly I felt this woman crossed my boundaries by being so pushy when I said I couldn’t walk at certain times. So I revert back to my original stance that this is not one I wish to befriend. Thank you both however for your ideas and input.

I can understand that. Same here. A pushy person isn't respectful of others; I wouldn't put up with that. I'm on your side here. This woman doesn't sound like someone I'd want either. Feline Angel is right in saying it's best to find out early if someone is flaky, and I trust my gut. This way I don't waste both time and an emotional investment in someone. Neither of those can be recovered.

Thank you so much for your understanding. My gut tells me to not pursue it.

Hey. Just catching up . I agree trust your gut - I'm sure going to in the future.

I've hardly met anyone that doesn't struggle to make friends after 40.

I hope you do find a good friend, Hope

i'm at the point where i may have to cut off a friendship myself cause the friend in question is getting too demanding and pulling at me in email too many times, despite being told i can't spend the amount of time and energy on her that she needs

Thank you.

I have made a a few new friends since my divorce. One is a couple, and especially the female. Another is a male, but I don't see him often. And a third I knew in college, so he may not really count, but we've since then gone to a concert together. I also have become closer to a male friend of mine as well, who used to be more of an acquaintance. So there's that, I guess.

It’s great. It’s not easy to make new friends at all. Especially as we age. Totally curious though that they mostly men again. Nothing wrong with that of course but just wonder of a pattern.

It's just the way it's unfolded.

It's now a year later, so I thought I would revive this thread and see where I am in comparison to a year ago this same time.

I am in a far different place. I re-read some of my posts on this thread, and I was having a hard time going places by myself after my marriage ended. And now? Now I go nearly everywhere by myself. Concerts, road trips, even a working vacation I did on my own to Vermont.

It's AMAZING to experience & feel tremendous growth happening within me. I feel different.

One big issue that arose late last Spring is that my ex abusive husband decided to move back into the town where we lived (I am still living in the same apartment that we shared), but only a mere few streets away from me. It's been a struggle, and at first I was livid. I had been feeling free and far happier up until that point, but once I learned he moved closer to me, I felt like he had stolen my newfound happiness and freedom.

It has taken a few months - well, the summer - for me to regain my happiness and sense freedom back. I do see him from time to time in the neighborhood, but we do avoid each other. I had threatened him with a restraining order the week he moved, and he's avoided me ever since! YAY! That helps!

I also have gained several new friends in the last year - another goal of mine. Several new female friends, and a few new male friends too.

Work has been a challenge though, since about early June. I am doing great in my job and am successful,. but the company culture is not a good fit for me so I am looking elsewhere. I found an AMAZING opportunity with an adventure travel company and am PRAYING I land an interview and a job offer with the company. I would be THRILLED! They organize and lead African Safaris - how COOL is that? I would love to be hired, and be asked to experience their organized trips - maybe once per year or something like that. Yes, I am dreaming but it's my Prayer and Hope and my fingers are crossed that it comes to fruition. It would be a DREAM COME TRUE for me.

So that's about it for now.... it's been so quiet on the forums this summer, but if anyone reads this and feels like chiming in and replying, please do.

Thank you so much for this update! It is great to hear how much progress you have made!

Congratulations!!

Thanks @Bill3!

Work is challenging me in many ways. Each week, I feel so burdened by all the challenges.

I have not worked for a large global company before. And that's difficult for me because it's highly matrixed, corporate and complex.

My boss micromanages ALL my communications - having come from small agency environments, she feels I must be monitored closely. I finally set a boundary last week on that though. I told her it's squelching my ability to include in emails to higher ups what I think is of value and it doesn't allow me to simply be myself.

And, I think my boss might be undermining me or envious of me. She seems to not want me to share certain successes or my knowledge with higher ups.

Another challenge is my boss was/is new to my industry and field, so I've had to coach and train her for the last year. What an odd situation. She is in charge, yet I have to mentor her all about the work I do so that she can support and advocate for me throughout the company. It's a really uncomfortable working relationship dynamic. Then add to the fact that I am 3-4 years older than she is!

I also find that people gossip. I stay out of it and just do my work.

We've had the luxury of being out of the office for 3 weeks. This week, we must return to the office, and I am dreading it. I find it's so much easier to work from home, away from the office culture. The office culture is very intense, serious, and fast-paced. We do get to work from home Mondays and Fridays, but Tue-Thurs feels like sheer torture.

I wish I would hear back on my job application. I have followed up once already and nothing back. UGH.

In the meantime, I am planting seeds at my current job for a promotion to a global director role. Fingers crossed that can happen. I would love to get out from under my boss's thumb. I am starting to feel like it's fairly toxic working under her. I have caught her in several lies, and she misinforms and gives the wrong information to higher ups, so I've had to correct her. She talks out of both sides of her mouth! She will say how she really feels about an issue to ME, but then when we get on a conference call with others, she butters people up, kisses butt, and says the exact opposite. It's rather sickening.

OYE. Life is never easy, is it?

The title of this thread: building a whole new life. Well, in building a brand new life for myself, I am severing ties with all toxic people, new and old, so I cut off a 35-year toxic friendship last week.

This so-called "friend" has been domineering in every conversation we've had, she adopts an air of superiority over me and treats me like I am 5 years old, needing to be taught the ways of the world, and she has said some incredibly cutting, mean, and insensitive things to me over the years.

I held onto the friendship because of a long history. We've had many good times together, we've gone to concerts together, and have had many good laughs while talking for hours on the phone. We went on a week-long camping trip in California together years ago. And long ago, we used to coach each other through our meandering career paths. We've remained in relatively close touch over the years. But now? It's totally different. We have not physically seen each other since 2009. We've maintained only a long-distance friendship, talking by phone or via texting. We talk once every few months or so. We've basically grown apart and have very little in common.

So, just recently, I had been trying to get a hold of her for the last 6 weeks. God knows why. I must have been lonely and simply wanted to touch base. After I sent a text to follow up on several phone calls, she only just wrote in reply, "I'm busy". I had tried to reach her at least 3-4 times, and that's the only reply I received. And that was it for me. I knew she didn't really care about me.

The final straw may have actually occurred last summer when she kept telling me how happy she was to have a wonderful husband and to NOT be single, just as I was facing all the abuse from my ex husband and just as I was going through a nasty divorce. Could she have been any more insensitive or cruel?

Even several years back, I had thought that she was likely a narcissist. Now, I am convinced she is after all the behavior patterns I have witnessed in her for the last 35 years, and after having married a narcissist.

Last week in our text exchange, I told her that a comment she made was mean and wrote that this is what she does to me. In reply, all she wrote was, "sorry you feel that way", which is a gaslighting type of response. That statement deflects all responsibility away from her, and places all the blame on ME for feeling hurt by her comments to me, and is a non-apology.

I told her she was gaslighting me, so she suddenly went on the attack, just like a true narcissist. She wrote "waaahhh waaahhhhhh wahhhhhh", in the most derogatory and demeaning way. What is she, 6 years old???? Then she accused ME of gaslighting HER, just like a narcissist would.

Whenever challenged or called out on poor behaviors, narcissists go on the attack and deflect all responsibility. Well, that's exactly what she did to me.

After her "waaahhhh waaahhh" comment over text, I told her she was being a biatch, that she is totally toxic, and blocked her. Next, I carefully composed an email, calling her out on ALL narcissistic behaviors, I ended the friendship, and told her I was blocking her everywhere, including email. And that was the end.

That night when I went out to see a band at a music venue, I felt incredibly liberated, as though some kind of a hefty burden was finally lifted off my shoulders. Something I had been carrying around for YEARS.

Over the next coming days, that feeling subsided and I started questioning whether I had been too harsh. Then, I re-read her nasty text to me and determined, no, I wasn't being too harsh and that I was simply and finally drawing the line and creating firm boundaries for myself.

So, developing and enforcing stronger boundaries is the name of the game for me in building a brand new life, which is the whole point of this story. I am learning how to enforce my boundaries much better than I ever have.

I have a history of abusive and toxic relationships, and I've allowed far too many people to cross boundaries with me. And this is something I've decided I will no longer tolerate or allow.

So, I am done with all toxic people. I have removed 5 toxic women from my life in the last year. A few were newer friendships and a couple were older friendships that needed to be severed. 3 of the 5 women are narcissists.

I am empathic and I've read that narcissists and empaths are naturally drawn to each other. I've had so many narcissists in my life, it's a pattern. So, I need to learn how to sidestep these people and steer clear. I should have an anti-narc spray to carry around with me! LOL LOL.

I've read that to keep narcs away, an empath needs to have stronger boundaries and to care much more for themselves. I've cared so very much about the welfare, needs, and happiness of everyone else, that I've completely neglected myself in the process. So it's time now in my life to finally turn all attention to caring about ME....

It's a healthy selfishness. I am turning all my attention, love, care, and compassion to MYSELF. Right now is MY TIME. I am healing, I am forgiving myself, I am caring for myself and what I need, and I am learning how to quiet my harsh inner critic. No more masochism. I have been masochistic ALL of my life. My inner critic is SO VERY LOUD... well, I am finally listening and I will shut that critic up once and for all. NO MORE.

I am done being masochistic. And I am done with being a codependent. This feels healthy, so I am running with it.

On the work front, a VP of Marketing walked by me while I was in a meeting with my boss. He commented to me., "you're killing it! You should come up to global!" I was SO happy that he said this right in front of my boss! So, I replied "sure!!!!"

I am planting the seeds for a promotion to Global Marketing Director... maybe VP

It will happen... I am fully believing and sending out energy to the Universe.

Do you have any advice for someone in the same situation?

I find it very hard to socialize as a single person. I have a few single friends, but most of the people in my life are in really solid marriages.

I would find it hard to go to a concert or out as you are describing.

And, I too have someone who pokes are the edges of my bubble and tests boundaries, and I'm living in our former shared address.

I'm really happy for you. It's inspiring.

RDMercer

Thank you @RDMercer!

My advice would be to stick with your few single friends, even if it's just a few people. Being a third wheel with a couple is never fun, unless it's a larger group including at least a couple of single people.

I don't really know what else - I just started doing things by myself, and over time, I became far more comfortable doing so. I don't go to larger music venues alone - only the smaller music venues. Doing that on my own over the last year enabled me to meet many new friends, which has really opened up my social circle quite a bit, to include being invited to smaller social gatherings and parties.

What about joining social activity groups, doing activities you enjoy? My greatest passion is live music, so that was easiest for me to do on my own. I have yet to join any social meetups, but still plan on it at some point. For now, I am happy doing what I am doing.

I hope that helps you some?

Thank you

I’m happy for you.

I’m finding it hard to change my thinking

I’m quite emotionally focused I think and that tends to make it hard to change.

Start doing then - take action and get out of your head.

One area of my life I am successful in is my career. Work is going very well lately, and I am succeeding and am gaining recognition at work for my achievements.

My love life has been a disaster, on the other hand. It's been years since I had a healthy relationship. Years. And there were a few - not all have been awful, but it's been some time since then.

At least I have success in one area of life. That makes me feel a little better. I've given up on love for now. I don't want to date and I have no interest in men at this stage. Funny too, since I dated quite a bit during the year following my divorce, and now in year two, I've decided to not date at all and focus on ME.

I am in a transitional spot in my life. My old self is transforming into a new self, but it's taking time.... that's OK. I am in no rush. I have a home, my beloved cat, my health, my close friends, an extended social circle, a social life of sorts, and my family. Life is pretty good, considering.

I'm so happy to hear! It's been rough, but things are looking up! Congratulations!