Building a Whole New Life

My life needs a complete overhaul. Like seriously. Can anyone relate to feeling this way?

I'm not sure if I am posting in the right forum with this entry. But here it goes...

I just got divorced from an abusive narc. I dealt with his abuse for the last five years. So, I find myself single again at the age of 52. I live alone, with my kitty cat. He moved out last Oct, and we divorced in March. We still have some contact by email periodically, which I need to stop doing. He mainly has initiated contact, and I need to seriously steer clear of him. The longer I go without speaking to him or running into him, the better off I am mentally and emotionally. He triggers me to unravel, re-experience the trauma of the abuse, and it triggers PTSD reactions in me.... so I have to cease ALL communications to protect myself and my mental health.

So, here I am single again, and with only a few close friendships. I need to expand my social circle, meet new friends and forge new friendships. I need to change and overhaul my social scene, which has been the music-loving community for about 30 or more years! I have been hanging out at music venues/bars and following favorites bands around, but the people I am meeting in these venues are sub par at best (a LOT of them, not all, but many). I am meeting a lot of toxic personalities, so I must change my scenery and try different avenues for meeting decent, good people. I love beer and I love music, but this scene is not serving me well anymore.

I want to join outdoor groups, since I love many different outdoor activities: hiking, kayaking, sailing, skiing and roller blading, to name a few. I am nervous and scared to branch out in a new direction though. It's scary to try something different and to venture into the unknown, especially when you're comfortable with doing the same ole same ole.

But I know I need to change; I need to change myself and the entire way that I approach my life. I want a healthier lifestyle and healthy-minded friends. I want to quit smoking cigs. It's very hard -- I've tried multiple times to quit. I quit for one year and started vaping, but then I developed a horrific cough and had to stop vaping. So I went right back to cigs, after a year without them.

I am starting a new job soon, after being laid off from my last and unemployed for the past six months. It's been an unbearably difficult time. I almost lost my home. Thank goodness I finally received a job offer. I am so very grateful. And my unemployment benefits almost ran out. I informed my ex husband that I finally got a job (via email) and he didn't reply. He cannot even congratulate me and is playing power games by now trying to give me the cold shoulder and silent treatment, as he typically has done in the past. His inability to say congratulations says it all to me. Not that I needed any further proof that he is a jackas*s.

I am still recovering from all the abuse I experienced in my marriage. And I am soured by it. I am wary of people now, whereas I never used to be.

My mother told me this should be an exciting time. Beginning a brand new chapter in my book, & starting a whole new life. But I am just honestly worn out and scared. I'm scared of failure, scared of being abused again, scared of getting hurt and scared of meeting more abusive and toxic types of people. There seems to be no shortage of them, and I feel like I have a magnet on my head attracting them.

I am learning better self care and boundaries. Slowly, but surely, I am making some progress. And I am learning how to love myself again, especially after putting up with so much abuse and disrespect.

I don't even know myself anymore. I got lost and buried in my marriage. I am trying to rediscover who I am and to love that person. I miss the old me. I used to be so full of life, enthusiasm and love. And now that's all tainted because of all the abuse.

I don't know where I am going with this thread/post, but I am hoping that perhaps some of you can relate to some of what I am putting out there.

I just need to work on myself and my own life. I should not date until I am healed and I am not healed yet. Far from it. I tried, but it didn't work out.

So, here's to starting a new life and to implementing an overhaul of your life. I hope I can be encouraged along the way. I will need it.

I can relate to most of what you said, the whole new life thing. But I wanted to say it's valid to feel scared by it. The unknown is scary to us; it's wired into our DNA.

I too have not problem attracting toxic types of people. I don't need them anymore either, nor to be ghosted again and again. It's happened to me on this site, on other sites, in real life. Sigh...

I hate how your mom said "should". I hate that word anyway, it has such negative connotations, like there's something wrong with you if it isn't "exciting" as it "should" be. Does she even know or understand what you went through? If anything like mine was, emotionally distant, then she'd have no clue. No awareness at all.

Like you I need a whole new life too. I'd like to get out of my place but don't know where to do. As far as quality people, it's getting harder to find them the older I get. I'm also worn out, emotionally and mentally. It's risky with new people because you don't know what you're getting. And right now I can't take any more shallow people.

Change scares the $hit out of me too. And with all the chaos and changes in this country/world, one needs stability or routine where one can get it. I guess what I do is start with small steps, one step at a time. But I'm not good at following my own thoughts of that.

Thanks for your post!

And I know what you mean about mom's saying "you should". My mother is a bit clueless. She is getting more educated on narcissism because she has had to deal with a few in her own life, but she is still clueless about abuse. She still believes that my ex husband is "not a bad person", when I think he is in fact, demonic and evil. There is something very evil about the way he operates in such a deliberate, hurtful manner. His intentions ARE to hurt me, to have power over me and to control me. That is NOT a good person - it's the opposite. So, yeah, while he may SHOW a nice side, it's all a facade and I know this now.

Taking small manageable steps is a good idea. The notion of an entire life overhaul is overwhelming. I also can relate when you say it's getting harder to meet quality people the older you get. I am running into the same issue.

Ghosting someone is an act of cruelty, in my mind, unless you're ghosting someone who has crossed lines and the boundaries of respect. Or if you have to ghost someone who has been abusive. But otherwise, I think it's cruel. Sorry you had to experience that - I have too, and it always hurts.

I hope we can both find constructive ways to move forward, to put aside our fears and to step into the unknown. It takes courage. So, here's to mustering up our courage!!!

My life blew up in a huge way due to issues with mental health and addiction, and I wound up losing what was my great job, and my housing. That led to a long and slow process of totally rebuilding my life in new and healthier ways. It was a slow process and painful at times, but I'm actually happy now. I've returned to work, in a completely different field, unfortunately for much lower money, and I'm living in a boarding house for people with mental illness. But it's a good place and it's affordable. I've been sober for a bit over 4.5 years and I love my new sober life. It's hard but it is possible to completely rebuild.

Thank you for sharing your story! You are very courageous and strong to have turned your life around in such a positive way! Your story is very inspiring. Good for you for sticking to sobriety - congrats!!!

I'm even reluctant to try that Meet Up stuff that's so hyped up. I just feel the odds are 50%, no better, that I'll meet quality people. I was thinking of trying to find a book club that spends the whole time on the BOOK and not other nonsense like the one I go to at the senior center. It's a lot to go through for something that's more risky than meeting people by chance, such as in the library as an example.

And I don't want to create ANOTHER username/password; I have dozens. And doing all that technology, dealing with emails, whatnot. Like you I'm afraid I'll get ghosted again, after ALL that. Or that I'll end up with another group just like the one I'm in now: 1 or 2 long-winded people dominate the conversation for the whole hour, no facilitation either.

I agree that ghosting is only okay in extreme cases, such as really crossing lines or inflicting intentional harm. Otherwise, it's cowardly. It's supposed to be about people not having the courage to be straight with you. I guess I don't want anyone like that in my life anyway. Still, I won't seek out confrontation per se but I'm not afraid of it either.

People suck.

Forgot to say that I feel especially emotionally vulnerable, after some ugly truths about my dysfunctional family raised its ugly head, long after their deaths. Just can't take anyone else thinking my feelings don't matter. They do and so do I. Effing people.

I have a thread on here called "People Suck"... I think it's in the relationship forum. Here it is:

People Suck

And, I know what you mean. It seems you feel soured on people because of your experiences. And I know I have been lately. But I also know I have to believe that there are still good people out there, kindred spirits, to be found, even as we age. I think it's more a matter of placing yourself in the right groups to find those people.

I have the same thing going on in my extended family right now.

Your feelings DO matter. Keep telling yourself this, and keep sidestepping around those people who don't respect your boundaries or your feelings. That's what I am doing.

I don't have much to add, but I feel like your Mom is a bit wrong - I think especially at an older age, starting a new job is very intimidating. I had a lot of different jobs when I was younger and I found it takes 3 months to adapt to a new job. I know not everyone will take that long, but for me that's how long it took to feel comfortable. I was also very careful to get the "lay of the land" for a few weeks before clicking with anyone socially. Not always easy as I am naturally talkative!

I think it’s a matter of perspective. I see your point which is very valid. I also can think of it from my mother’s perspective - to be excited for a new leg of the journey in my life. And to view a life overhaul as something new and exciting. I can see that. I just don’t feel that way right now. I feel burdened by my recent divorce and other family issues going on. And that’s effecting my perspective.

@nonightowl,

I listen to this favorite song, Reinvent Yourself, every time I am going through a major life transition or change. It gives me hope, it uplifts me, and makes me excited about creating a brand new life and future. Maybe it will help uplift you too:

It’s hard to break old patterns. I drove an hour to go to a music venue by myself for a band I absolutely love. I had nothing to do today, no one to hang out with, and a friend told me about it. So I decided to go. I’m doing a lot of things solo, including going to music venues. It’s gotten easier but still I wish I had a buddy.

I've had more than my share of going solo.

Yeah I didn't mean to imply that it's not exciting, but I just found that dealing with the reality of it, it's best to not have super high expectations. It's a job. But definitely good especially after you went through so much. It's a start of a new chapter.

Have Hope you deserve happiness

THANK YOU!!!

Can you tell us more about the old you?

I was willing to try and do almost anything. Now I am full of fear. Now I have fears of failing, of getting rejected, and of finding more toxic people. People had told me in the past that I was "effervescent" and "passionate". I feel I've lost that passion and spark for life that I used to have. Multiple abusive relationships at work and in my love life in addition to running into lots of toxic people have soured me on life. I feel more reclusive and like I want to recoil from people. I want safety, solitude, and comfort now. It's just very different now vs then. Life has beaten me down quite a bit.