How to figure out yourself?

My therapist asked me today if I had any sense of who I was and I said "no" and she said "I didn't think so."

So how do you fix that?

When I was inpatient the dr was "impressed by how well I know myself" but in reality I was ********ting/making up stuff/grasping at straws just to please them. Truth is every hobby I've started, every trait I've actively tried developing or further developed was because I wanted to attract someone else. I took up running because I was obsessed with a person on the XC/track team and I still run because my sex partners say it does a lot of good for my body/their pleasure. I wasn't interested at all in writing until my English teacher told me I was good at it. I wouldn't have considered myself creative until I met someone who was very creative and I wanted to impress them so I tried to develop the trait of creativity. I don't really like it, but I still write because it's a source of income and it makes my therapist happy. I do like hiking and being out in nature. That's about all I got. And maybe that's just because my on again/ off again partner is into it too and I'm trying to rack up points with him.

My therapist says this is because of growing up in "survival mode" rather than "developmental mode." We're going to work on self esteem. Will that help?

I think I understand what your therapist is getting at, but I don't know if there are many people who could answer the question that was asked of you. Maybe I am wrong.

I've studied philosophy as a philosophy teacher for over 50 years and to be quite honest with you, I would have trouble answering that question. It is kind of vague, don't you think? Specific questions would be, what are your goals, what things are you proud of, what prevents you from sleeping all day, what things seem interesting to you, even if just a little?

I myself have often taken up hobbies or activities initiated by other people for various reasons. That's certainly not the worst things in the world.

I guess I would not be upset that your therapist posed this question but that it might be making you feel bad.

There are various schools of psychology that therapists subscribe too. Some see self-worth as something that one achieves. It is goal oriented. But there are other schools that see self-worth not dependent on achievements but based on one being a unique human being. Self-esteem takes on different meaning depending on what one things human worth is based on.

When people are younger, they have trouble with questions like the one your therapist posed. I have met people from many countries who have trouble with the question, because I have asked them.

People will sometimes tell me that they live for their children, they live for life's pleasures, they live for a cause and some say they have no clue. So I hope you will not be too hard on yourself.

Hopefully I'm not confusing you with all this. Sorry if I am.

I always had a sense of who I was & where I was going & what my goals were more in general than specific. The specifics developed with time. I always enjoyed music & performing from when I was in grade school.....but then I knew I needed a real career to earn money to take care of myself. That degree & career became my identity & when that field crashed in the 1990's it was like I lost who I was even though I still had music & loved to do crafts.

Fast forward 13 years after losing my career I finally bought a small farm & was out of the bad marriage I had been in & fighting for what I knew was right all the time. It was only then (at 54+) that I finally had the peace in my life to figure out myself & what I believed & what I really thought about everything instead of fighting against or apeasing someone else. Now I am busy with my farm & animal care including the wild animals around when needed. I do farm sitting for people. My interests moved from computer engineering to animal care & feel so much peace internally I know I am in the right place for me. I know my values & I don't compromise for anyone. It they don't like it then leave. When someone causes a lack of peace in my life, I analyze the situation & can easily end that relationship. I don't have to be what I am not for anyone & knowing my own values, beliefs & boundaries I will tolerate has given me a real good knowledge of myself. Hobbies are just a part of what I do but they do not define who I am. I took up painting, something I hated all my life & when I have time in my life I do it. My farm & a new puppy keeps me really busy right now. Have some major foundation repairs that need done around my garage & then really want to set up a chicken coop just for enough eggs for me & my friends. I am very self sufficient with many repairs & maintenance things around my farm & I basically try everything & accept things I can't do or don't have the tools for.....all part of accepting my own limitations while holding onto my values & knowing what I like & don't like which helps me be in better control over things others try to get me to do. I know the kind of socializing I like & know what I don't like & that is what I base what I do on. I am involved in groups I know I can make a difference through given the experiences I have lived through. I have to set priorities in my life & they do help define how much time I have for outside activities & I never feel guilty when I have to say "no" to something. All these aspects to life are about figuring your own self out & not basing who you are or what you like on anyone else. Lol....I did such a happy dance in my kitchen of my farm when I went to the grocery store & filled it with ONLY foods that I liked. I love my life & feel totally at peace with myself even when dealing with tough situations. I personally (for me) believe that this was what knowing myself was all about. It took about 10 years of Good therapy to figure it out & process all the crap I went through before moving here & integrating my past into my new present but for the first time in my life I am truly happy

Hey Muddy Boots.

I agree with your therapist saying it's because of growing up in the survival mode. It's an insightful way to look at it.

If I'm understanding you right, another way of saying it is 'How do I find out "who I am"'? If so, then, one thing I learned in my journey which instantly resonated with me in so many ways (because no one had ever said this to me) was essentially 'You are valid. Your views and opinions your voice is valid' meaning it's absolutely okay to express them, if you so wish. It may take practice and effort and that is ok. It was a big step in the path of self discovery for me. I was 29 then. And another thing was: Using great self honesty and introspection, 'what do you really like (you touched on this), what do you really like and dislike especially regarding things in life and the world? Again, that coupled with my understanding of being a valid individual was very very important. Later on as time went by I began to refine those things more with ethics and morality very much in mind, as a guide to courses of action, behaviours let's say.

That's essentially it for me in terms of figuring myself out. It does take time obviously (which I have) but as Lao Tzu the Taoist philosopher said many centuries ago (and you may have heard this quote) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". It's an important journey, life. It is.

Here are two potentially helpful questions in figuring ourselves out:

--are there talents/skills/activities that we rejoice to use or do?
--are there talents/skills/activities that cause us to lose all sense of time when we use/do them?

I found these in "How to Find Your Mission in Life" by Richard N. Bolles.

Some might be put off by this book's overtly religious orientation, but, to me, the two questions above seem potentially pertinent and helpful regardless of whether one is religious or not.

It sounds like you're saying there must be something you're presently not aware of, that you need to become aware of "or else". What's always worked for me has been starting from where I am, not where I'm "supposed" to be -- so the last thing I'd want to do would be to start struggling to experience a "sense of who I was".

I might start by noticing exactly how (or even if) I experienced it as a problem, that I didn't seem to be experiencing anything like what my therapist had asked about.

If, when you look, you find that you don't actually experience it as a problem, would you still want to work very hard at "fixing" it? If, on the other hand, you find you do experience something as a problem (and not just because you think you should, or because someone is suggesting you should), then simply continuing to notice just what you're experiencing will almost inevitably be your best guide through that particular experience.*

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* Spoiler alert
And the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that...

I just feel so ******* empty all the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I just feel so ******* empty all the time.

Can you (yourself not what others suggest) determine the REAL root cause of that "feeling". Feelings are not fact so good to know where it is coming from inside yourself

My experience is that who you truly are develops and becomes clear through time.

You sound young, is this so? If so I think finding out who you are is entirely usual. Even then, there’s developments and adjustments along the way, and we might find ourselves not who we were initially, mid life is often one such adjustment.

So say you did take up running in order to please others, right now that might mean you are the kind of person who cares deeply about others perception of them. But it could be you are currently evolving, questioning your previous needs to be accepted/admired. You could be finding out that you prefer to seek fulfilment in other ways which may or may not involve running.

I may be offbeat here but the above are my own thoughts about self identity.

When I am having trouble figuring myself out there are some routine things I do...

Im on all kinds of meds for my mental and physical health issues. Icheck to see if they have the side effects that I am experiencing - emptiness, foggy, numbness whatever, if so I contact my prescribing doctors to talk about medication adjustments.

once I know the feelings I am having are not related to my medications I read my journals and online posting activities. for example I see that I have 9096 posts. so obviously I know myself and my mental health issues very well in order to make so many posts. just saying, if I didnt know anything about myself, my life and my mental disorders I wouldnt have that many posts right. so a good place for me to start looking for myself is in my own written words about myself and my problems.

I also keep a therapy journal of my sessions. I can at any time see what happened in past sessions and how I have talked about myself and my problems in the past. this also leads me to getting a sense of who I am.

maybe you can do those things too..

if you are on any medications check to see if they are causing your problems with this..

you can look back on your 3135 number of posts and see in your own words what you have wrote about yourself and your problems.

look back at any journals / writings you have done and you can ask your therapist for copies of your mental health records that will document how you have described yourself and your problem areas.

It sounds like there are several different sexual partners involved. Are you trying to rack up points with each individual man separately?

"Hello there

I sincerely appreciate you sharing your ideas and feelings because it sounds like you're struggling. People frequently feel confused or uncertain about who they are, especially when their past experiences have complicatedly influenced who they are. I realize that many of your pursuits have been driven by outside forces, such as striving to please others or living up to expectations. It could not be easy to connect with your true self. It's fantastic that you're aware of and acting to fix this. Anxiety therapy may be the key in this situation.[/URL] On your journey to understand things, it's like having a guide. They can assist you in navigating the chaos and sifting through the noise to discover your true self."