Story: Getting traumatised by mom and what took place next

An interesting story:
My mom used to be my friend when I was young
She’d tell me stories and teach me to read or do stuff
As I got older I adored her
I wanted to be just like her
Looking back, that’s the last thing I wanna do.
Because of all the verbal and emotional hurt.
During the last year her mental health started crumbling because my dad retired and was in the house more often. She would scream every once in a while about the dirty house or my marks but now, the situation turned to our family.
When my dad was away, I had to get my covid vaccine. My mom had a hairline fracture in her right hand and she decided to drive but it infuriated her that my dad was absent. She took it all out by shouting at me. I gave her GPS directions, calmly. Unfortunately the clinic was wrong one, it was one hour’s drive away, instead of originally 20 mins. My mom realised my blunder and lost it. Speeding, she screamed and swerved and pulled my hair two or three times. For about 45 minutes, I continued as calmly as I could giving her directions, my voice trembling, trying hard not to cry, because that would set her off more. Finally my dad called me and canceled the vaccine. Then- I let it out. I sobbed like a child. She feels guilty for what she did but till date. I refrain from giving instructions on gps regardless of who it is. I am afraid to anger the driver.
I also fell into depression due to my marks going down. I dropped out of college. After I started therapy and started reading books I realised she was in a bad relationship with me. I may not have the vocabulary required for this but basically I had a trauma bond. Every time she shouted at me or called me horrible things she would feel guilty. That’s all great but it made me dependent on her over the years. She indirectly taught me that I need to make her happy only then I’ll be happy. After a few big fights I left the house with my dad. We go back but it pains my heart and my dad leaves because he needs to meet his parents. I find it difficult to stay in the same house with my mom and sister.
(Shout out to all those people going to therapy and those who are making progress. Lately I have been feeling anxious after leaving her because of the dependency I had with her. But I have decided to bear this discomfort till my therapy lasts, and I consider this pain as progress. If it pains, it means it’s working. Because when we’re codependent on someone it feels familiar and normal. After leaving that situation my heart rate rose occasionally. Leaving her has made me anxious coz I was so used to being her punching bag. The house where I live with my dad is safe. No shouting, no anger, just peace. My body sometimes anticipates some outburst but I soon learn it’s safe, nothing happens. The body becomes a powerful machine that protects us against the threatening person that we so love and fear at the Same time by releasing cortisol, raising our heart rate, breathing, sweating, preparing us for fight or flight. But we human beings are known to be very good at adapting and surviving. Which means In this particular situation, where even after leaving my mom my body thinks she’s lurking around, I’ll emerge from this pain to meet peace. Till then, I’ll continue my treatment.)
This is what has happened so far.
Right now I am at home trying to make some friends on msf and heal little by little
I clean the house and have a lot of freedom now that my mom is in a different place. I learnt to cook rice and tea and coffee. My dad loves me a lot and I love him a lot too.. If I drop something by mistake he feels anxious because the loud sound reminds him of my mom’s outbursts. I try to be as quiet as possible because I myself dislike loud noises due to all the shouting I endured. I hate using the mixer machine I use the mortar and pestle sometimes because I dislike sounds which remind me of her. He got threats of divorce from her but she never did it because in our family it is a big deal. My mom may not want everyone to know.
I too have some issues to deal with. She has left some scars and therapy will hopefully help me. I need to deal with shame and guilt. Sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t get the kind of mother I wanted. But I’m 19 now and childhood is over and my one chance to be parented by her has passed. A tough loss to mourn...

It is very hard to speak to that part of me that feels ashamed. This part of me makes me human. I am not a good innocent victim here and I feel sad that I wanted to be that way. I couldn’t be fully innocent, right? I hurt her too. I said the f word to her. I’d say she has hurt me more compared to how much I’ve hurt her. I’m in a dilemma here. In order to flee from other people’s criticisms, I have shown myself as a sad afflicted victim. I need to ask myself, is righteous indignation the way out? Is it okay if this makes people have pity on me and take my side? Maybe I am looking for support. I hope no one takes sides, not even me. Empathy’s the way out. Yes, I see a truly hurt and abused girl behind those eyes. Which is why in a nuanced way, I have shifted my own focus from hating her to feeling sorry for her. I may be right or wrong, justice is relative , but according to my values, it’s okay to feel angry at her, but that’s my job to heal. Which is why I don’t intend to expose her lies to her friends (she has lied that my father has abused her) I feel like why is she suffering… dear mom, seek therapy, it hurts to see you struggle so hard
Point to be noted, she is 55 years old. She still tries to fix her parent’s marriage and their problems. Poor mom, you didn’t get the childhood you deserved. Guys, everyone deserves a good childhood, sadly the world can be quite unfair, and we don’t always get what we want. Here’s a pro tip: if I’m ever mean to you, please don’t hate me. I might be functioning out of some deep-seated belief that I’m not worthy to be with you or something. Trust me- it’s my job to deal with that. We as a community can have compassion on those who hurt us. That’ll go a long way in healing me by being gentle with me, it’ll make me feel safe and less anxious to perform. (Why I said perform is because sometimes for me I feel like I need to “be” something or someone, you know, out of my limits.) when it’s okay to be wrong and imperfect, it will help me feel at peace with you. Aren’t we all just humans?

My sister told me that I was not feminine enough. “behave like a girl” was the message given by my mom as well. I did nothing wrong. I dislike makeup, except eye liner, I like sportswear but I like frocks too, why judge me for it?
In other posts I will talk about this issue.
Hang in there guys, group hug!
In conclusion, everything that had to happen has happened, I have escaped this never-ending drama at home. I don’t wish to be too close to her and have chosen to make friends online here on msf.
I will now work on the part of me that’s feeling alone and anxious. Don’t worry, I just need to let that feeling/part of me know that I’m here with her.
I need to start making friends, and studying.

I'm sorry you went through all that. You are heading in the right direction!