Coping in a Toxic Environment

As I've posted elsewhere, I am currently stuck with my narcissistic abusive father. Fortunately, I've become largely immune to the abusive side of his nature as I now recognize it when it's happening. One area that still gets to me is just how toxic he is to be around. Everything from an e-mail to a phone call to a letter is something that he expects me to talk him/calm him through. Catastrophe is his default for even simple setbacks. The world is out to get him at every turn. He runs down every ache and pain and is sure it's cancer or some other terminal illness.

I've realized that this has been my life since I was 13, but now that I'm getting healthier, I can't stand the crazy anymore. Talking to him is not an option as any hint of criticism results in a weepy, self-pitying threat of suicide followed by blaming me for anything I've ever done wrong.

Does anyone have any tips for coping/protecting my own health in this situation? Meditation and music help. Focusing on the future and getting out works as well, but some days it just drains me and I end up in bed all day. I really am working on getting out.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

There's a very good book called "Toxic Parents", by Susan Forward. Highly recommended.

You can look for it at the library or get a secondhand copy at abebooks.com .

I read that and found it insightful. Also Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Blaming others and making threats is childlike. The premise of the book is that these kinds of parents are children in adult bodies. They never grew up and acting like they are better than everyone else is definitely immature as well.

It is, it's a bizarre dynamic and weird to think how long it seemed normal to me. I'm the parent until it's something he doesn't want to do and then he's "in charge". I'm just trying to keep the peace until I can leave. The sad thing is, I would have done anything to help him in the past until he sabotaged my life/job/health with a smile on his face, but I know it's healthier for me this way. I'll see if I can find those books.

My parents have been deceased for years now, yet I'm just now finding out there was never anything wrong with me, it was THEM. But they would have been too arrogant to see it, if it was brought up to them.

We worship parents in this culture or there's this myth they know what's best for their kids, they know everything, etc. They don't know SQUAT most of them. My parents wanted me to be like them, to live like them, to think like them. It took me doing some digging to see that I'm more human than they ever could have hoped to be or thought they were. Plus I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.

Glad I don't have to hear their criticism anymore. They were helicopter parents, though that phrase wasn't in use then.

Good suggestion, owl...

Knickerbocker, you might also want to look into Eric Berne's work where he talks about the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states and Transactional Analysis.


This is a video that explains more in the notes: Transactional Analysis Ego States and Transactions - YouTube

Also look up "triangulation in psychology": the victim, the saviour (or rescuer), the persecutor triangle of abuse.

This will also help:

What is FOG?

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Thank you for all of the suggestions. It really has been amazing just finally understanding what's been going on my whole life. Recognizing it as it's happening really strips it of its power, but makes it hard to just ignore. I just have to keep playing along because I know how dangerous/volatile he can get when challenged. At least my brother and sister are on my side and supportive now and I have an amazing friend that says I can stay with her anytime I need to. I just have to focus on finding a new job.

Recognizing and understanding the dynamic is the first step in extricating yourself from it. Good on you!