I'm defective

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't remember anything. I can't finish anything I start. I can't maintain a relationship without ruining the other person.

Therapy and meds? Pshhh.. how tf is that going to help when you can't focus and meds don't really help with what you need?

Is there any fixing me or should I just disappear?

I'm sure if I were not eating and not sleeping I'd be in poor shape!

It says something about "drowned in adrenaline" under your avatar. Are you under the care of a good endocrinologist?

+It's ok i face planned into a candle i feel better now

i literally do Not know hw to sleep or eat though.
Like. Impossible.
The drowned in adrenaline thing is just a quote for a song.
"I feel the pain in my reflection, I
I wanna get away, so I just step inside
I feel more alone when I have extra eyes
****ing staring at me, I wanna feel numb
Give me Novocain for everyone else
Sick of staying in a house, I need a home for myself
To be alone, I can tell that you don't know how I felt
I had to let go of you just to get a hold of myself because

All my life I've drowned in adrenaline..."

I found that a good therapist & DBT taught me mindfulness & learned new skills to function in life along with reinforcing the few I had that were working.

I wasn't eating or sleeping but I did completely remove myself from the situation that was helping cause that reaction in me.

No meds worked because in my case it was a situation that meds couldn't change.

It took about 10 years of good therapy & being 2100 miles away from the situation & I did start healing almost immediately.....but it took those years for all that new learning to become a functional part of my life.

We are never so defective that we can't heal but most time it does take help & someone we feel ok being accountable to. It takes lots of work on our part but so well worth it. I even tested the healing out a few years ago when I went back due to some legal issues & I did not revert back to the previous reactions. Totally possible & I sure never thoughtbit would be the 13 years before I left & found the outstanding therapy

Your not defective, muddyboots

I remember seeing somewhere and I forget where, a thing that said "be yourself, as everyone else is already taken" something along those lines

Quote:

Originally Posted by felineangel Your not defective, muddyboots I remember seeing somewhere and I forget where, a thing that said "be yourself, as everyone else is already taken" something along those lines

I think the term "dysfunctional" is more appropriate than "defective". The thing is we can be ourselves & still learn how to be more functional. Learning skills to be more functional helps us get along better in life & it helps us get along better with others. That is a "win/win".

If we just "be ourselves" without caring how we function with others we tend to hurt them with our dysfunction & that is not good. I grew up with the hurts of my dysfunctional parents "being themselves" & I lived way too long in a marriage with a dysfunctional husband that left many hurts I am still having to legally deal with.

We need to be ourselves within a functional framework & sometimes that is hard because when we grow up & live around dysfunction, it becomes what we preceive as normal when in reality it isn't. The wonderful thing is that there is therapy that
exists that can help us work on these issues.

Another saying is "Normal is just a dryer setting."

I just wanna be able to walk down the street or in the kitchen without bbreaking down. I guess I need therapy for that but i cant think in therapy without food or sleep, but I. can't. do. that.

"Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain
Breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline"

I just feel stuck. not gonna get better until I'm safe, and I don't think I can feel safe until my case manager says "Okay, Sam, you can take a breather here.", and maybe not even then. and who nose whoe long thats going to take and I just want to not be slammed into floors by strangers in places where I'm living

I want to be normal as in "can walk into kitchen and grab cup of milk without crying, dumping it out, screaming, or getting into a fight with whoever bought the milk."

There could be a combination of things that causes you to be so unwell.

Would doctor consider some type of meds to help you sleep? Something non addictive?

Are you currently sober? Various substances such as alcohol and drugs (current or past use) would affect your ability to eat, sleep and remember things.

Have you done full physical? Blood test?

Do you have any diagnosis and are you on any meds for any of it?

Have you considered going inpatient? What does your doctor suggest?

I've been trying all sorts of meds for months and nothing will bring me down. My friend says I need uppers because no sedative, besides like propofol and midazolam, is sedating to me haha. Now if only I could get my hands on some midazolam...jk Doc just rx'd belsomra and I got four broken hours last night (2nd night, first night I got 5 broke nhours) which is on the upper end of norm for me. I've tried like a dozen other things over the past few years.

I have been sober about a month and a week (from alcohol, meth, and weed, slightly longer for opiates, and much longer for anything else). So yes, that's probablys till affecting my sleep some. Haven't had a physical in a year or two i dont really remember but i have one next month. Did some blood work recently and had really low potassium but I had a drip to fix it and a lot of my other levels were borderline/due to rapid weight loss + refusal to eat they tubed me.

I'm a couple weeks into Hep C treatment, have an eating disorder (bulimia but it might be considered ANBP now), various other psych stuff (they keep changing the dx's and don't really know but psychosis, mood instability, substance use, self harm, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, executive dysfunction, insecure attachment/relationship difficulties, etc.), dealing with a mild tbi right now. Taking aripiprazole, lamotrigine, pantoprazole, zepatier, and just started iloperidone about 4 or 5 days ago for tactile hallucinations that I don't really think are caused by my "schizoaffective" (BS theory, since starting abilify I have had NO psychotic symptoms other than the tactile stuff, and I've only been swinging between HYPOmanic and mildly depressed/kinda mixed) and took two doses of Belsomra.

Last time I saw a medical dr he chalked it all up to the hep c and started the zepatier (that was weeks ago), but the eating disorder is definitely at play too and together it's like napalm. I haven't seen my psychiatrist in person in over a month (we had a phone call though, but I just said I didn't have an appetite that came with the racing thoughts that I always have, but have been worse lately; it was a 15 min appointment I wanted to get to the bottom of my tactile hallucinations not spend 10 minutes talking about my restriction).

I really don't want to go inpatient. I've spent too much time in hospitals this year for both physical and mental stuff and never have I come out feeling better.

I hope you can find something to help you feel better, muddy

Yes, what felineangel wrote goes for me, too

All you can ever do is your best, muddyboots, we all want you to find happiness

Good luck with everything, Muddyboots. I hope you can find the care that you need to recover from everything.

Quote:

I have been sober about a month and a week (from alcohol, meth, and weed, slightly longer for opiates,

That crap you put in your body is still half-lifing it around inside of you & messing you up. It takes a lot longer (about a year) for a body to stabalize after using junk like that & abusing your body. I took a med that made me unable to walk or feed myself & it was FDA approved. It took well over a month after stopping that med to be able to start walking again... every drug of any kind has a half life & it takes a long time to work through it & chemically get out of your body.

If you truly want to feel better, you will have to make that month into years. No one can make us feel better with a magic pill. We ourselves must be the ones doing the hard work. It is so worth the hard work but it takes REAL PERSONAL DESIRE to change & not give up in the process. There is no quick fix only hard work. I have done it. I wasn't addicted to the narcotics I was on for my continual migrains but I took a year to get off the high dose I was on & had no after effects.....but staying off that crap is the key to your feeling better & not giving up

Loads of loves in here for a muddyboots if virtual loves will be a help

Thanks for all the loves guys

I just hate it when people say I'm going to have to feel like shyt for a year because I can barely envision myself living for another month, let alone a year. So whenever I hear that it's like "fk it, if it's going to take that long to get better might as well go get drunk/high right now so I can feel okay until I die." I know the realities of acute/post acute withdrawals I don't need them shoved in my face every time I struggle.

I don't think I'll get out of this mindset until I get into long term resi/sober living. I just wish the application/admission process didn't take so long.