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#1
Nov 22, 2023, 01:33 PM
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At the beginning of the month I got kicked out of my mom's. Then I found this place with some asshole we'll call him S, where I don't know how long ago because my memory is really bad but my face still hurts and I'm still bruised but I was asaulted (not by S). I'm dealing with hep C. My eating disorder is out of control and I do NOT know how to eat anymore. My case manager thinks my potassium is low again and on Monday she said I should just eat more bananas. I haven't eaten since then. I used to find a lot of comfort in music but now I'm so afraid of noises it's hard to find something that doesn't startle me. I'm a fking musician for Pete's sake this shouldn't be a thing. I can't even go for a walk because cars are scary af.
I'm trying so hard to find a more permanent place to live with my case manager, I'm waiting to hear bback from this one place that hopefully will accept me. I feel like I'm "unacceptable" though. I even got permanently kicked out of the voluntary IP unit here. I can't sleep either. Last night I Took 2 Belsomra, an Ativan, and 2 melatonin and got 4 broken hours of sleep. This is with supposedly good sleep hygiene. But I'm too activated to sleep. I don't remmeber anything either. I've been blacking out again, sometimes for a minute or two, sometimes all day. I'm about a month and a half clean, but I feel like I'm in worse shape now than when I was using. I know a lot of my problems are from not eating and not sleeping and from PAWS, but other than waiting out paws I don't know how to fix the other two.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
 Anonymous41319, Aurelius710, felineangel, Nammu, nonightowl, Samicat, Silent Echo, Tart Cherry Jam
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#2
Nov 22, 2023, 01:41 PM
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I’m really hoping that place you’re waiting on comes though.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
 lizardlady, MuddyBoots
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#3
Nov 24, 2023, 01:14 AM
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 I hope you get it. 
__________________
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -Litany Against Fear (Dune) |
| lizardlady
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#4
Nov 24, 2023, 09:41 AM
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Muddyboots, I have no words of wisdom or advice just want to offer hope and support.
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#5
Nov 24, 2023, 01:42 PM
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I keep falling and the med that aused that should be out of m y system by now but I just fell twice today. I talk to T in a bit and I don't know what to tell her because everything is just such a shyt show I'm overwhelmed and I just think I'm going to shut down.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| Tart Cherry Jam
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#6
Nov 24, 2023, 01:49 PM
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I still think the falling is from not getting enough proper nutrition. Even when you do eat you often purge so it doesn’t count. I don’t really think it was the medicine though it probably didn’t help.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| Samicat
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#7
Nov 25, 2023, 03:42 AM
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You're probably right. I think the med just pushed me over the edge because I'm falling even more now even though it's been almost a week since I stopped it.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| Nammu, Samicat
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#8
Nov 25, 2023, 09:57 AM
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Quote:
Why not tell T what you said here? "everything is just such a shyt show I'm overwhelmed and I just think I'm going to shut down." |
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#9
Dec 03, 2023, 12:51 PM
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I don't rememher therapy. I think it was a phone appointment. I was really fked up.
I know I need to get my shyt together to get better but how do I get my shyt together when all I knkow is "feel like shyt? Everyone's taught you you're shyt so treat yourself like shyt too because you are shyt."
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," |
| felineangel
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#10
Dec 05, 2023, 05:24 PM
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We all love our muddyboots
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| MuddyBoots, unaluna
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#11
Dec 20, 2023, 09:03 PM
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I hope things get better.
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#12
Dec 21, 2023, 09:16 AM
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Humans are very resilient. Tomorrow is a new day. Plan positive things for the future. Decide what you like/don't like, and live by that.
__________________
 https://imaginativefusion.wixsite.com/mysite/blogWinners are losers who got up and gave it one more try. - Dennis DeYoung "It is possible to turn poison into medicine." ~ Tina Turner Remember we're all in this alone. ~ Lily Tomlin |
| felineangel
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#13
Dec 21, 2023, 04:10 PM
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How are you today, muddy?
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#14
Dec 25, 2023, 06:36 PM
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I can only say that I hear you and hope things improve for you very soon
Sent from my SM-A146U using Tapatalk |
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