I feel like I have 10 different personalities

I don’t mean literally but metaphorically, internally I feel like this all the time and it stays in a way of me getting treatment or ever feel at peace with myself because all these parts of me seem always to be in conflict with each other. So for example, I get really depressed to the point of being suicidal so I decide to go therapy, I make an appointment but in a few days I feel better and foolish for making such a big deal of something that suddenly doesn’t feel important at all, so I cancel that appointment and decide that I should probably just exercise more to get some more endorphins. So I go for a run but then I am a sensitive artist, what if being happy ruins my artistic side? So then I actually decide that it would be much better for me to focus on my art, so I start working on it but then I hate what I create, call myself a fraud and decide that instead I should probably just focus on my regular job, so for quite some time I make it a point to work extra hard but then I get tired and kinda sad again, so I am thinking about therapy again but then I figure out I have no time for therapy anymore because I decided to take all those art lessons that I don’t even go to anymore and already wasted a lot of my money on something I don’t feel like doing anymore. And it’s like this my whole life. It is driving me so crazy, I don’t even know what to do anymore. I have this constant clutter in my mind that I can’t ever turn off and it makes my brain all foggy. The only thing that helps is constant daydreaming and making up scenarios in my mind that dissociate me from myself and the world around me even further, so then I try to stop but it’s an addiction and I can’t do it myself. I have these constant dialogues in my brain like watching a movie where I see different parts of myself arguing and disagreeing with each other and I can’t ever make them stop, making me second guess every single decision I finally make. And not second guess, obsess about every thought, idea, possibility over and over and over again until my whole world gets sucked in it and I lose touch with everything else. Like being obsessed with psychopathology, I have read the DSM-V manual 7 times to try diagnose my own self and I am going to read it for the 8th because it drives me nuts how much I can see myself in everything and nothing. I have been obsessively trying to figure myself out using Jung, Freud, I have read Jung’s psychologycal types 10 times, I don’t even think Jung himself read it that many times. And I obsess and obsess and obsess over everything until it becomes totally weird to everyone, no wonder I had no friends growing up. What’s wrong with me? How do I stop this finally?

First of all, how old are you? Not having a solid sense of who you are is incredibly common, I read it increases over the years and doesn't really stop until you're 50-60.

I relate to a bit of what you said being 27, but also being diagnosed with BPD (which one of the symptoms IS having a severely fractured identity, but several other traits must be present), dissociative PTSD (also involves lacking a sense of connection to a self), and bipolar (can cause shifting moods and lead to not being sure of who is the real you). There are other reasons, of course, but if it's causing a lot of distress, which it sounds like it is, do make a therapy appointment and follow up regardless of how you're feeling the days beforehand and tell her you'd like to discover more about yourself and how to do that.

I agree. Make a therapy appointment, find a therapist whose judgment you trust, and consistently go to therapy sessions. You need consistency and routine to build the core around which you would start organizing self. Do not read the DSM for the 8th time. If it did not help the first 7 times, there is no likelihood it would suddenly help the 8th time. Find a practitioner instead who would help you. Make therapy a priority. It sounds like you do have the resources for it, at least if you rearrange and deprioritize some other expenses.

I agree. I definitely suggest NOT reading that for the 8th time. I agree about therapy, a good therapist can be a ''life saver''

You'd have to see a doc first of course but mood stabilizing medication might be helpful as well. Or maybe some other medication/s. You'd need to be properly assessed by a psy doc and if it becomes apparent you might benefit from that direction, then at a tryout is worth the time and effort. May take a few months to adjust doses and such but a few months compared to a lifetime isn't much time lost. You're not obliged to take meds if they suggest them but they've helped change a lot of lives. That's a good thought to realize. They really have the potential to help.

In seeing a proper psychiatrist or psychologist, at least you'd have a professional opinion of what the problem/s could be and you could think about it all with a much more informed point of view. Some of your experience seems very familiar to me. I've felt like a zoo stuck on a roller coaster myself. A general practitioner will help you too but I think it's best to go with the pros if you can. It's their field and they're pretty familiar with it.

Hi again Erecura. Any family members you could speak to about what's going on? Has your doctor suggested any strategies so far?