I sometimes feel like I "shouldn't" be this way (possible triggers)

I keep reading a lot of posts on here, and a lot of stories in some books I have about the disorder I think I have.

Nearly everyone has suffered some type of abuse or trauma.

I have not.

I read people's stories about how their own parents molested them. Or they witnessed a murder. Or they were a victim of rape. Or Vietnam. So many traumatic events.

On one hand, I feel so incredibly sorry for these people and I want to do anything in my power to help them, and stop the cycle. I don't know how, but I want to try.

But then on the other hand...I almost feel like I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be ill. Nothing has ever happened to me that wasn't of my own doing.

My parents never laid a hand on me. I have never witnessed any kind of trauma.

My life is good. I have so much I should be grateful for. I have so much more than so many people.

I feel as if I don't belong here. Like I should be healthy. I should just snap out of it and quit whining....my problems are so inconsequential compared to so many others'.

The biggest problems in my life are my own fault. I have done so many horrible things, and it's like I just want to wallow in guilt.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Like your life is too "good" to be depressed? Like we are discounting other people's struggles when we whine about such inconsequential problems?

it seems of consequence to you... that is what is significant ino

I'm sure you would make yourself feel better if you knew how. You sure don't need any excuse to be here. We help when we can and then others help us. We need all our parts...everyone together makes this a healing place. Oh, and we've all made mistakes and suffered the consequences. I'm really glad you're here.

"..my problems are so inconsequential compared to so many others'...Like we are discounting other people's struggles when we whine about such inconsequential problems?"

Razzleberry....please don't EVER discount your own feelings as inconsequential coz you think others have been thru worse. You're NOT invalidating them when you do that...you're invalidating your OWN feelings which means your invalidating yourself! It doesn't matter WHERE your feelings come from right now...what matters right now is that you HAVE those feelings. I for one am glad you are here and I for one would be honoured if i were able to help you even just by being here to show you support. Hang in there and remember...you have JUST as much right as anybody else to be here and you're JUST as welcome as anybody else.

You know a few other people have posted things to this effect.

One theory (that I like quite well) is that external events really aren't as significant as ones experiences. And there can be a lot of experiential trauma quite independently of external events. Telling oneself that `it is all of my own making' can be quite experientially traumatic, for example. Though often we don't come up with those little phrases all by ourself, often we acquired them from some place (whether it be from TV or from ones parents or from ones friends or whatever). Doesn't really matter where we got them from in a way.

Some people live through events that most of us could never cope with - and they seem to cope with them and recover from them quite well. Other people are affected by them a great deal. Part of it can be about the quality of emotional intimacy that we experience with others. Thats the biggest thing that makes people resilient to stuff. A lot of people in the world don't have that quality of emotional connection (which of course takes two people) and so they are fairly vulnerable to emotional dysregulation (which is experienced as traumatic).

I guess I just mean to say that one need not have been sexually abused or physically abused or verbally abused or have suffered through natural disaster in order to have traumatic experiences. There is some controversy... But I personally think (and some theorists agree) that trauma should be located at the level of experience rather than at the level of external events. So... Hang in there. And try not to give yourself a hard time. Tends not to help

There is no should or shouldn't, things are the way they are. I have BPD and I've never been abused either.

I think maybe I was just a sensitive child, and the combination of my genes plus an environment that doesn't fit with my personality combined to bring out borderline personality in me.

I can relate to your feelings.......All my growing up life.....there was nothing out of the ordinary. No abuse, no traumas........so how could I get to the place where I was at? How could the stupid thing like loosing my career cause such a deep depression that is made me incapable of functioning? How could it cause me so many years of suicidal feelings? I shouldn't have reacted that way to something that wasn't life threatening or even that horrible of a situation......but I did.......it felt like I had lost everything in my life & because my marriage was not good (even though I was married to a very NICE guy)....it just wasn't the partnership that a marriage should have been & I felt like it really didn't exist.

Then there are the things we have done in our lives that we feel we shouldn't have done that haunt us & keep those horrible feelings continuing. For me, this has been going on since 1994.......there was no way to recover my career & that was my fault.

Over the years.....& honestly, therapy was of no help on this one.....I realized on my own that my life was what it was supposed to be. I had the experiences I had for one reason & that was to grow to be a stronger person & to get in touch with my spiritual side of my life. The things that I did wrong in my life & I was guilty for, I had to come to terms with & work out the forgiveness part of it & understand that I was forgiven & no longer guilty of those things....not that they didn't happen, but they were something I could then let go of & as you say....not have to continue wallowing in.

Since 1994, I have gone through several traumas that have left me with PTSD issues & those aren't going away any time soon, but I know that they were also in my life for a reason & I am able deal with my life much easier now that I am realizing the meanings & having a better insight into my life.

I have also moved by myself away from my marriage in California to my new farm in Kentucky.......with the divorce in the near future.....being all alone has given me insight & the abiliy to see what I was going through & to see things more clearly.......this is something we all need to be able to do. It doesn't cure the situation....but it can help us understand ourselves better & then hopefully be able to come to terms with what we are going through & get rid of the guilt that weighs us down.

Hope you can put the pieces together & know that it doesn't take a horrible childhood to cause problems as an adult.....I can completely understand your feelings,
Debbie

And sometimes the supposedly `little things' add up. A child who already feels highly valued and loved and cared for can cope with a little gentle teasing against that background. A child who feels insecure with their place in the world can experience a little gentle teasing as a major insult. I was like that. It wasn't so much what my parents did (acts of commission) but what they didn't do (acts of ommission). If I was feeling scared or insecure they either didn't notice, or they would engage in gentle teasing. Which resulted in my feeling psychotically insecure.

Some people are more emotionally sensitive than others. There is stuff by Alan Schore (in particular) on emotional connections in infants... And emotional disconnections... Seems like such a little thing... But those disconnections can add up. Bet you can't find me someone who didn't experience disconnections in their life... But that being said... Some people experience enough of that emotional connection such that they develop that basic security... Though the majority... Do not.

((((((((((((((Razzleberry))))))))))))))))

I read this earlier, and I'm sorry I didn't respond then but I couldn't think of something appropriate to say.

First though, your pain and your troubles and your life experiences are YOURS and are valid, and should NEVER be compared to anyone else's. Some people may seem to go through more stuff than you, but chances are that person thinks that you or someone else goes through more crap than them. Comparing just devalues who you are, and what you've gone through and hurts you more. That's not fair to you at all.

I seem to go through phases where I wonder why I'm depressed or why I self-injure, and I really can't think of any good reasons. Like my family isn't perfect, but they're far from being the worst people on the planet.

It's all a matter of perspective.

You came here for a reason, and that's good enough for me or anyone else. You don't need to prove yourself to be here, because we like you just the way you are.

Be well.

(((((razzleberry))))), I have been trying to write an answer but what I want to say doesn't come out right! Someone said to me that sometimes it is a chemical imbalance in our brains and that we have little choice over how we feel at times, and I agree with him. There are times when things on the outside are going really great, yet I feel so low and bad on the inside. I may have no reason to feel this way, I fight it yet the feeling still remains. I have had to accept that without my meds I struggle to cope; and that for me is the way it is for now...
I wish you luck.

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nowheretorun said:
it seems of consequence to you... that is what is significant imo

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your life will touch thousands of people today.. love...

I have all the traits of borderline personality disorder too, but none of the abuse during childhhod either, I remind myself borderline is 90% people who had an abusive childhood- AND 10% PEOPLE THAT DID NOT.........the 10% may be quite small compared to the 90% but, hey, there _IS_ that 10%!!!!