Had a few good days!

Things have been better over the weekend. Such a relief.

Thursday night, I actually got home from work on time, and we were done with dinner by like 6:30. The weather was nice, the dog was begging to do something - so we went for a walk, the whole family. My little girl was running around, dad was chasing her, I had the dog. It was cute. Like the perfect little moment.

I finally got in to see a doctor on Friday. Huge relief, after all the crap I've gone thru just to get an appointment. This was just a family doc, not a psych, but at least it's something. He put me on Zoloft. We'll see what happens.

Then yesterday was my husband's birthday. He had the day off work, and I was home too. We just had a nice relaxing day. Took our daughter to the park, then drove over to a nearby city so we could use our Olive Garden giftcard for dinner. We took her to the mall before dinner and I did a little shopping, she was running around the whole mall. Had so much fun. And I was actually slightly happy for a few moments.

Earlier yesterday morning, when we were sitting at home, she was playing with her little stuffed puppy, wrapping it up in a blanket and putting it to sleep. It was sooo cute. I looked at her, and then looked at my husband - and before I even said anything, he said "not till the house is done". We were both thinking the same thing. She needs a little brother or sister.

We had the best day. He was nice to me, I was nice to him. We talked about some of our stuff, I apologized for my moodiness and told him I was trying to work on it all.

It's days like these that make me think, okay, this is great.

It's almost like there are two versions of my life. There's the life where I'm planning on building a house with him and having another baby and planning when we'll take them both to Disneyland. Then there's my second life...where I'm depressed, lonely, feeling like he doesn't love me, and I go and do such horrible things (cheating). I hate myself for what I do. My life is so great why would I throw it all away??!

I just need try and keep having more good days like these.

You should never "hate" yourself, its ok to feel guilty about some of the things you do, but unless you learn to either love yourself or become a person you want to love, you will always be sad inside.

I am glad to hear of your good weekend, may you have many more with your family.

TJ

I was going to post something...but then didn't know where I was headed with it lol.

Anyways...