[Razzleberry]

Here is the article.

This could be me, about 10 years ago. Almost exactly.

See, my parents were never abusive. They just never showed any love, and never praised my accomplishments - only told me I should do better. Even when I won the state math contest - well, your brother won it 3 years in a row, so what. Even when I won a national competition thing for business, whoop-de-doo, they didn't care, now go clean your room and work in the yard.

Anyway....I don't want to "blame" my parents for my problems - I know that it is my own self that makes me feel the way I do. I guess I just want to say that I know what it's like to have parents like this! And it sucks!

My daughter's babysitter is very close with her own daughter - she comes over to assist every now and then at the daycare (it's an in-home daycare). I see how close they are - even as adults - and I am just so insanely jealous. My mother and I never got along. And even to this day, she will never show affection. She never praises accomplishments, she only passes judgement and criticism. When I got this new job, it was not "congratulations on your new job" it was "oh, so who will be watching your daugther?"

I just hope I can be a good mom to my daughter so she has someone to talk to when she needs it...without any judgement. Just love.

Your there already with the offer of love .....

[TaintedGoth1]

I"m reading the book Toxic Parents, and they actually included this type of behavior as being abusive.

My parents were like that too. Mine didn't validate anything or praised us for anything at all...so I can say that it was extremely hurtful.

[Razzleberry]

Well...for me personally, I don't like to call it "abusive" because I think that almost cheapens the word "abuse" for people who have really suffered so much from physical or sexual abuse. That doesn't mean it wasn't..."hurtful"...but it's all emotional, not necessarily intentional. I just don't want to take away from the pain that so many others face since mine was nothing compared to that.

[sunrise]

Razzleberry, my mother was exactly as it said in this article, always complaining that what I did wasn't good enough, being negative, never affectionate, etc. My mother has never told me she loved me a single time in my life or touched me in an affectionate way, such as a hug, hand on shoulder, kiss, etc. (Although she hit me plenty of times.) I got straight As in school, I did not have a drug or drinking or promiscuous sex problem while in school, I had many extracurricular activities--the girl in that article is me. I continued to achieve in college, grad school... When I was still in school, mostly I remember my mother making lists of chores for me to do and yelling at me when they weren't done to her satisfaction. I remember her telling me she didn't hang my school artwork on the refrigerator like other parents because it really wasn't very good and it wouldn't do me any favors to be misled about my abilities. What is it with parents like that? It does not help the kids at all. I would have traded a drawing displayed on the fridge or a loving word or a hug from time to time for any of my achievements.

I try not to repeat these mistakes with my own girls. When one experiences bad parenting, it can be a positive thing in the future, as it can drive you to try to do better with your own kids. I hope I am doing better.

[Razzleberry]

Exactly.

And yes - as far as drinking, drugs, all that - I have *never* in my life touched any kind of drugs or cigarettes, I didn't start drinking until about age 22 - and even then, only a little. And I never even dated in high school! Let alone...anything more.

But none of that was good enough for my mom. Nothing ever is.

I kind of get to the point where I just give up. If I'm never going to please her, I may as well dis-please her. If that makes any sense...

Kind of like my notion that hey, if I'm going to he-- for a minor offense...may as well have some fun with other stuff if that's where I"ll end up anyway. Just how I think sometimes. Not good.

[TaintedGoth1]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Razzleberry said:
I don't like to call it "abusive" because I think that almost cheapens the word "abuse" for people who have really suffered so much from physical or sexual abuse.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You don't think emotional or verbal abuse can't scar a person as badly???

I'm both a survivor of domestic violence and several forms of sexual abuse and I think it's just as bad. Emotional and verbal abuse can give you the same effects that the other forms of abuse can cause in my experience...including the flashbacks.