[pachyderm]

Some time ago I came across this; it is an excerpt from an Amazon reader (George F. Simons) review of a book on "Non-Violent Communication":

"Being positive is the sine-qua-non of today's US culture. Put another way, the quickest route to becoming a pariah in both work and social contexts is to fail to show the obligatory positive attitude. Negative judgments, failure to look on the bright side, criticism, mourning failures and losses head a list of US capital sins. The result sounds good on the surface-positive feedback, lots of encouragement, and a steady diet of "atta' boy/atta' girl" language. Negativity is bad, violent, and destructive, while "Blessed are the positive!" is beatitude in US civil religion.

"Plenty of non-USians had been telling me that they felt attacked and aggressed upon by US "positivity." My initial temptation was to dismiss their complaint as negativity or pessimism. However, listening to what they felt, I learned that having a positive attitude was not itself the problem. They felt that they were being judged, that their US interlocutor was taking a one-up or arrogant stance toward them. I had overlooked the fact that both positive and negative evaluations can be violent communication forms. Both play into the our addiction to judgment and dichotomous thinking. We fail to observe that the messages, "Great job," and "You screwed up," are [I would say "can be"] identical acts of violence, the subtext being, "I judge you," whether the judgment be positive or negative.

"Also often missed is that the injunction to be positive can be a power play used to neutralize opposition to one's ideas and plans. Criticize me, or look on the negative side of what I am doing or saying, and you are no longer my friend. We experience this on a daily basis, and recently saw it writ large, in US policy toward those countries that refused to support the US invasion of Iraq. While Rosenberg's book does not address the cultural phenomenon of US "positivity" directly, reading it that gave me the impetus to look for the feelings and the needs in people's reaction to the aggressive use of the "be positive" principle."

It seems to be characteristic of dictatorial political regimes (and sometimes other, closer ones) that they want to deny the existence of problems in their societies. Think of the Soviets or China, at least at some periods of their dominance.

I sometimes think that my mother would have killed us if we presented to her or to "outsiders" emotions that she did not want to contemplate. She could be at times saccharin sweet and lauded the value of us being so also, and at other times she enjoyed inflicting pain and humiliation on us children. So maybe it is no wonder that I sometimes have a hard time with "being pleasant."

[sabby]

Hmmm....I'm not so sure I agree with pleasantness and positive support being a specific issue, especially here at PC.

I, for one am not about to change how I support folks here unless I get a whole load of pm's from people telling me I am too nice or too supportive or too positive. Please folks, if that is the case, let me know and I will gladly review the errors of my ways.

I suppose, that any time there is a false pleasantness, such as the saccharin sweetness, sure, it could be considered condescending....I truly hope that I have never shown that kind of support here.

I don't think that validation has anything to do with pleasantness. But why validate in a negative way? There are always positive ways of getting points across to individuals even if they are in disagreement with things....it doesn't have to hurt to learn that somebody disagrees with them.

Something to think about......


sabby

[nothemama8]

my responses are usually made with the attttude of, if I can do better , you can do better, if I come across too strong it's because I know we are capable of anything ( Empowerment Through Support ) is my motto

[KathyM]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pachyderm said:
"Plenty of non-USians had been telling me that they felt attacked and aggressed upon by US "positivity." My initial temptation was to dismiss their complaint as negativity or pessimism.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I can relate to this. I'm often shut out because there isn't much left of my life that is positive. Therefore, I have to be careful when speaking my thoughts because it usually leads to "Enough of that, let's talk about something positive." In other words, they want me to shut up and go away.

I have nothing against being "positive," but I'd also like to have my words acknowledged because I'm seeking positivity and hope too. Instead, I'm blamed for being too pessimistic and told to get a life.

My problems in life are very heavy and carry a lot of negative energy. I only know a few people who have the strength to keep from turning away from me.

Like it or not, this world is full of positive and negative energy. If we spend all our time focusing only on the positives, we'll never be able to achieve the balance we desire.

[Mouse_]

Kathy, Yes I identify with your post. ..I am always looking for that person that will not be "destroyed" by my negative energy, and only then when they surive me do I feel I can be safe with them.

[Perna]

I like the feedback/bumper sticker to the "Have a Nice Day" comment:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
DON'T TELL ME WHAT KIND OF DAY TO HAVE!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
and recently saw it writ large, in US policy toward those countries that refused to support the US invasion of Iraq.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think it's important to realize that there is usually a quid pro quo involved, certainly when it comes to politics.
It's played out here somewhat at PC also... in that if a member gives positive regard to another, they expect the same in return.

It's the more seasoned - and perhaps better healed- member who realizes that not everyone is in a good place to be able to give back positive words at that time when they are in the throes of a disorder, and thus does not take offense at an off-kilter response to their positive one.

Being "overly" nice is only an issue if others don't feel it's genuine. The only way, imo, to combat that is to prove them otherwise.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It seems to be characteristic of dictatorial political regimes

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think what we see in the above is quite different than a personal positive outlook. As stated, the regimes are in denial and possibly implementing a type of brainwashing. For those of us who find a positive outlook and spirit is just plain healthy and a better way to live, it isn't denial but a goal for living.

[Timgt5]

I find this post both provacative and well thought. In many respects I agree, i think it is foolish to run arround with nothing but a positive attitude and not acknowledge negative things. We are all a balance of both energies and we need both to live full lives.

There is an episode of the old Star Trek series where Captain Kirk is somehow seperated into two people, one embodies his hate, anger, fear, and sadness, the other his compassion, love, synpathy. Neither of the two entities could function. The "Good" Kirk was weak, indecisive, passive, the "bad" Kirk was dangerous and ultimately self destructive.

America by innate nature was always a can-do optimistic kinda of place. We are a young country and lack the more innate cynisim of Western Europe, So I think the folks there perceive us as pollyannas and we perceive Western Europe as a bunch of grouses, each must learn from the other.

[TaintedGoth1]

I disagree that my optimism or positivity is a bad thing. And quite honestly when you're around someone who is negative all the time it really drains the life out of you and you find yourself not wanting to be around that person.

Sure, there are differences in culture, but I don't think that someone's optimism about something specific should be to blame. I'm sure my opinions about life in general are different from someone else's...but I'm not unrealistic about it. If I find something to be absolutely beautiful I'm surely gonna sound positive about it. It's usually people that I tend to be negative about. But everything else can be seen in an optimistic view...or at least it is to me.